Random Ramblings from someone who should be sleeping....

@foxyfire33 (10009)
United States
March 26, 2007 4:06am CST
It's late and I should be asleep. I can't seem to turn off my thoughts though. I also can't seem to put any of it together into complete discussions. So I'll just put it all in one. Feel free to comment on any or all of my thoughts or add some of your own. It could be very interesting to see what thoughts can be in one person's mind all at the same time. I'm wearing my bright pink Breast Cancer Awareness bandanna. The dampness is making my hair unruly. I got the bandanna at Wal-Mart for $0.50. My s/o's mom is a survivor...4 years now. I'm so glad she's around to watch our boys grow. I also have on my green t-shirt. It says "I'm grumpy because you're dopey" and has a picture of the two dwarfs from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. I think it's funny and my 4 year old loves it. That book is one of his favorites. I just found out I'll be going to town tomorrow. We have to go to the bank and do a little shopping. It will be the first time I've seen s/o since Friday. I actually miss him despite the problems we've been having. My myspace song right now is James Taylor's "Fire and Rain". I've always liked that song and thought it was appropriate for me- Fire. I won't share how I got that name though but I will say it was partly because of my reddish hair and my temper. I think our service men and women are heroes but I want them to come home. They deserve better than to be in a war that was supposed to be over 4 years ago. My family has never understood me. I haven't talk to my sisters in a very long time. They don't like me. It's alright though, I'm not sure I like them much either. We were never close. My mom tends to be condescending and a little controlling. Mostly I think she is jealous. She may not understand me but she knows there is something special about me that she will never have. Knowing this makes it hard for me to stay angry with her. I am my father's child. He knows. I know. We don't have to speak to share our feelings. I quit having regrets when I realized it didn't help to hold on to the "should haves". I know things could be very different for me right now but they aren't. They are how they are and I'm sure there is a good reason for that. I also decided to forgive everybody that had ever hurt me. Forgiveness was the only way to heal. My favorite color is blue. It always has been...except for that short time in Jr. High when I changed it to purple because the boy I liked also liked purple. I married my childhood sweetheart when we were 18. We divorced 3 1/2 years later. I still miss him sometimes but not really. I miss who he was 10 years ago. I don't even know who he is now even though we talk to each other quite often. I have to tell myself a story in my head to fall asleep. Otherwise I tend to have nightmares. I started doing this as a child and it still holds true today. I have a genius level IQ yet I still haven't figured out what I'm good at. I have a good memory for numbers though especially phone numbers. My next goal is to see if I'm musical at all. I'm thinking a guitar might be nice to play. I'm also slightly dyslexic. It was never officially diagnosed though because I somehow taught myself to compensate so no one ever saw my mistakes. I didn't know what it was until after I was done with school, I'd always thought it was just strange quirk I had with letters. I used to wonder why they called it school bus yellow when they all looked orange to me. And what does a mirror look like if there's nothing in it to reflect? All my children's names and/or shortened names end with the letter y. Why? (haha) I have no idea, it just happened that way. I also unintentionally gave them each one of my initials in a repeating pattern. I'm very much into finding patterns in everything. I even figured out one night the pattern of the screen saver of my DVD player...14 hits that rotate to the left slightly and repeat 9 times before starting the cycle over again. I had to watch it for an hour to figure that out. And finally, because I actually feel a little sleepy now, I still wish on stars, birthday candles, eyelashes, wishbones and rainbows.
1 person likes this
1 response
@tinamwhite (3255)
• United States
27 Mar 07
Oh my gosh, Foxyfire, you certainly had alot on your mind--I had to read it three times just to catch most of it. I think that there are some people (like you and me) who seem to have great difficulty "shutting down" our minds. And I am not sure that the seemingly random thought patterns that seem to swirl around in my mind are not even the things that I need to be thinking about but maybe....it is the brains way of putting things in our way to help us "grow". More than one time, I have resolved a "problem" area of my life (past or present experiences) while lying in bed trying to get to sleep because I have to go to work the next day....yet somewhere there is an issue that needs to be completed in some fashion. Like you, I completely believe that forgiveness, can be such a weight off of your shoulders. Anger usually ends up hurting you more than the one/thing that you are mad at...plus it is very exhausting to stay "mad"! I think your mind holds onto things in our past that we have not dealt with or did not know what the "life lesson" was to help us mature and grow into the person we have become or will be. I have always loved blue as well and the vast variety of shades possible. Plus with my red hair and blue eyes--it really lights my eyes up. As I have grown older I have also begun to appreciate colors that, in my youth, I did not "like" such as browns, yellows, and greens. That reminds me....since you also have red hair--if you have blue eyes -- do you find that the shade of your eyes seem to change with colors like shades of blue or green??? Just wonered. I am sorry to hear about your family realtionships but sometimes you are better off...after all we do not get to pick who are family is...but we do get to choose who we spend our time, love and affection with. The people who are there to support you when times are good and bad; who do not judge you at every turn...but accept; and well, you know the ones I mean-who you call when something really good or really bad happens because you know they care and will listen or help or whatever you need....those are your family in this life. Blood is thicker than water but water washes the blood away!! I really thought that I was the only person in the world that would dwell on something until I figured it out --even if it is unimportant (like the screensaver);it seems once it has peaked my interest...I just HAVE to know; so I really laughed when I read that part. Also, sorry about the nightmare thing, I often relax by flexing all of the muscles in my body (in sections)and releasing them --beginning at the bottom of my feet and working my way up- flex and relax- with deep breaths, closing my eyes and trying to get my eyelids to go completely "black". Come to think of it, not sure if I finally get my body totally relaxed or if I just wear myself out trying to do so...LOL! Maybe you should take up the practice (if allowed where you live) of picking numbers for the lottery--you said yourself that you have a talent for them. I am not preaching gambling to you though, so do not misunderstand me. I just think that if you have a talent, it may be a hidden blessing in disguise and you just have not run into the situation where it will all line up and work for you yet. Well, I have rambled on a bit myself....maybe I need a nap as well. FYI-I also wish on stars, birthday candles, eyelashes, wishbones, and rainbows. Hope you ended up getting some rest.