why do I fear marriage? and you?

China
March 27, 2007 4:01am CST
many times when my girlfriend talk about marriage, I try to avoid that. I think it is a burden and cages one forever. I fear whether i am free after marriage. sometimes marrige is what I dreamed but my friends often told me that signle is much better and you can do what you like but all will change after you marry. in fact, I think marriage means responsibility which I do not want to take early. just like one famous writer said that, marriage is like a hidden city, the people outside want to go in and the ones inside want go out.
7 people like this
40 responses
@Xuenylom (84)
• Ethiopia
27 Mar 07
I agree with Denhod . Marriage is an adventure, with its ups and downs. It is far from being easy, but it is definitely worth it. But you sound like you are not ready. No one is ever ready, in fact, but one can be 'willing to'. It's true, there always are a lot of questions about marriage. is She/he the right one? will it work? will we be happy? what if? and if? and what about? of course there are a lot of 'if', lots of questions. But life is that way. What if I get run over by a truck while going to the grocery store? what if I fall in the bathtub and break my hip? what if I loose my job tomorrow? what if... life is full of surprise. good ones and bad ones. You never know what will happen. But you can choose to ask yourself this kind of questions all your life, or you can choose to give it a try. You will never be sure about the outcome of a relationship. Who can tell if he'll still be loving the other in 10 years? For me, when you are ready to make the leap, you will know. Don't wait for some sign that all lights are green. Marriage is not about making sure everything will be fine beforehand. Marriage is about making sure everything is and stays fine. Marriage is about keeping the candle burning. Marriage is about giving and receiving. Marriage is a lot of things... that you only can take care of when they happen. Marriage is a life commitment.. Yes marriage is a responsibility, but not only yours, but the other's too. You commit your life for her, and she commits hers for you. If you feel like marriage is a burden and cages you, you are not ready I think. Marriage is a burden only if you undergo it, if you are passive. I never saw it as a burden so far. And I am far from feeling in a cage. On the contrary, I feel free. Getting married with the woman I love has been the best thing that has happened in my life until now. Everyone has his views and ideas about marriage. I have mine, you have yours. Marriage can indeed be a burden as it can be something incredible, depending on how you see it. But when you are ready, you will no longer see it as a potential burden (it's like the glass half full/half empty). You will see it like the oppotunity to achieve great things together, rather than the opportunity to waste your time and crash your relation together...
1 person likes this
• China
27 Mar 07
you said to the point and made me clear about marriage. Thanks for all your wonderful and thought-invoking comment. I never wanted to cheat especially to my girlfriend. The question is I really meet my true love. People often say that true love needs waiting. But how long should I wait? Maybe I can meet the one at the age of 60. So I do not choose to wait, but continue dating and see whether she is the one. I know the result will hurt someone, sometimes me, sometimes her. But I have no alternative. Until now, I am gradually tired. Two things matters in my life, one is love, and the other my job.
• United States
27 Mar 07
If you keep communication open with your spouse and make time to do things both together and appart from each other with your own friends, then marriage won't seem like such a trap. You have to respect each others desire to be appart and pursue your own interests. If you don't talk to your wife and she doesn't talk to you about the things that you enjoy doing together and separately then you could create a feeling of being trapped or resentment. I hope that you are with someone who understands your needs and interests and encourages you to pursue them if they are that important to you. A marriage should be about two people growing together and supporting each other; however, these feelings of being trapped arise when one member wants to control or force his / her will on the other. Communication and respect are the keys to a successful marriage. You have to be responsible in a marriage for more than just yourself, but if you truly love someone it doesn't feel like a burden, but a privilege. However, if you have doubts, you shouldn't rush yourself. A marriage is give and take (a partnership) and if you aren't ready you will only be cheating yourself and your partner.
@smacksman (6074)
27 Mar 07
Well you are basically cheating on your girlfriend. If you are not wanting to get married then release her so that she can find another man who will. All girls hope that they can change their boyfriends views after marriage but few manage it. This poor girl is trying to change you before hand. I presume you are taking all your perks of marriage now already?
1 person likes this
@chiquitita (1227)
• Indonesia
27 Mar 07
I agree with xuenylom, very well said! I am in a relationship, and I do want to get married. I am willing to commit my life for the man whom I love that loves me. I want to be a wife and a mother.Yes, this life is full of "what ifs" but if you keep them in mind then you certainly will do nothing to avoid the risks. Even when eating you have the risk to choke!
1 person likes this
• Uganda
27 Mar 07
because u a affraid of responsibility grow up and b a man
1 person likes this
@winterose (39922)
• Canada
27 Mar 07
how old are you do you think it is right what you are doing to your girlfriend. She wants marriage you do not, why are you with her? She deserves to be with a man that wants to marry her, and if you do not you should tell her, and if you are not ready you should tell her. Marriage can be the most beautiful experience in your life, when you know within yourself that you want to spend the rest of your life with this woman, to love and cherish and protect and to go hand and hand through life, taking the good with the bad.
1 person likes this
@Denhod (36)
27 Mar 07
If you fear marriage and think of it as a trap in which you will loose your freedom, then you obviously either not ready to make the commitment or you havn't met the right person. Marriage is an adventure that you embark on together with excitement, hope and anticipation - its not a chore.
• Philippines
27 Mar 07
I'm scared of marriage because there's no guarantee that the person you're getting married to is THE ONE. I am the one to decide who THE ONE is going to be. What if I make the wrong decision? I will definitely leave the guy if I realize later on in my marriage that I made a mistake and I don't want that to happen because marriage, for me, is sacred. Marriage is a risk I'm not willing to take. I also don't want to get married because I don't need a husband to have kids LOL Now I have two kids, no husband and I'm living a happy life.
1 person likes this
@lilaclady (28245)
• Australia
27 Mar 07
I can understand why you are scared, it is a big step in ones life to make, there is no guarantee it will work out, people change, no wonder you are scared, you are being realistic and not a dreamer....
• Canada
28 Mar 07
I read in another post that you were with another girlfriend just a couple of months ago so if you have a new girlfriend talking about mariage, I can fully understand why you are so fearful of marriage. I was married my first time when I was about your age. We were too young and it was a bad marriage. It only lasted a few years. I dated off and on for several years after that until, quite frankly, I just got tired of the whole dating scene and decided to remain on my own. Lo and behold, when I wasn't looking, my present husband appeared. He had also been married before when he was too young. We had both matured and were ready for marriage when we actually got married. We have now been married 5 years and we are both in our fifties. It is much better this time around for both of us. No one can predict when you will be ready. That will be up to you. My best advice though is not to let someone push you into it, because then you are working on that person's schedule and not yours. And yes, a bad marriage is a cage but a good marriage is a beautiful sharing of two souls, minds and bodies.
• China
28 Mar 07
thank you, my friend. My parents once warned me to be serious about marriage and to come into reality. I often thought deeply about the puzzling question. Couples of the last two generations like my parents and grandparents hold completely different belief about marriage. You can't imagine they never met before marriages, but only by the help of introduction. My parents love each other deeply and so are the others. I wonder why the " rule" of them can not fall on me. God help them? Maybe every generation has its own fashion. I may be an ideal marriage dreamer, but I never give up the pursuit for true love.
1 person likes this
• Canada
28 Mar 07
When I was looking, I made very bad choices. When I wasn't looking, God rewarded my patience with the perfect man for me.
@njoycjoy (28)
• India
28 Mar 07
I do not agree with your point of view.My thought of life is that life is full of challanges and one needs to take life a day.If you are trying to shy away from marraige then either what you feel as love is just a passing phase with your girl friend or you feel you love her but at the back of mind you know the truth.Why then you wish to have a chance to go for another affair?I belong to Indian strong values generation and beleive that one should get married to understand the worst nightmares and best nights as well. What you guys have to say?
• China
28 Mar 07
I am sorry I can not understand your last sentece. Do you mean that we have to understand the best and the worst side of marriage at the price of marriage. If so, I feel it is fit for me. In my mind, I fear marriage not because I don't want to marry, but I don't want to marry early. I am not defenitely sure whether she is the one and our love is true love. In fact, I have a strong feeling that it is not true love, so I had to say bye to her. In China, divorce, though, can be seen often, I dare say, no one want to. It is true that whoever had once divorced will receive doubtful eyes. That is to say, you can't be trusted. Believe it or not. So this is why my friends never choose divorce though they know they are not happy at all.
@angela2006 (1846)
• China
28 Mar 07
I think marriage means more to a girl.In our tradional idea,woman always depends on man.however to say,our society is reserved,we must observe the custom which handed down by our ancestor.this is one hand,on the other hand,marriage means a new home which belongs to her and her lover to a girl,and which is all girls' dream.
• China
28 Mar 07
I completely understand you.What you said is our tradition in China, and we can't escape from the tradition however much we don't like.
@hoghoney (3749)
• United States
28 Mar 07
Life can be lonely sometimes but it is not marriage you should fear. it is the fear that when you meet someone that you find you love so much and you are will to spend the rest of your life with them and then you find out that the person is not who you think they are. if you are thinking about marriage make sure that who you are with has a real love for you, and not just with you so that they can say they are with someone that they love. do you understand what I am trying to say, love you for you and not just love for show. good luck on what ever you decied.
• China
28 Mar 07
I see what you said. thank you. on the other hand , I doubt whether the pure love exists especially in this marerial world. I met many girls like that they often ask about what my parents do and whether I can afford a house and so on. At first, I don't like these questions, but later I feel strange if one of them suddenly does not ask these.
• United States
28 Mar 07
I think the reason why most people are afraid of marriage is because today most arnt working out. Society almost forces people to be married, as if its an unwriten rull to get married when you can. So because of this urge we must get married and arnt ready for it, most dont last long. I think part of the problem is, if you feel you will be caged up my marriage then you probably arnt ready yet. When you do find someone who you will want to spend the rest of your life with, you wont feel caged anymore. As far as getting married to late and early in life I think that depends upon the couple getting married.
• China
28 Mar 07
In some sense, I agree with you. Originally, I plan to marry after the age of 30, but the culture here does not allow me to, or I become an oddity.
• Philippines
27 Mar 07
maybe your not prepared for having a lifetime commitment. and you want to enjoy yourself first..or want to meet other girls there..well i dont like to judge you.but i just give you an idea that why your scared about marriage
• China
27 Mar 07
not as what you said. In fact, meeting other girls seldom excites me, and often I fear thinking of that but for my parents mentioning the subject. I often doubt whether I will be alone all life if the one does not appear. In my deep soul, love is the purest jade.
@ralf_jay (213)
• Sweden
27 Mar 07
to be frank you are not yet ready to get married.this happens because you want something else in your life may be an acheivement which you can settle with that.so check out that thing and am telling you marriage is totally a different part of life so you have to be prepared for everyhting.one should be responsible for that.any ways take care and have a nice time.
• China
28 Mar 07
thanks. you see what I want. Before marriage, I do want to achieve something, something I have been struggling for all the time. However, it is not so easy as I had thought. It will take a long time and much effort. I often ask myself which matters the most for marriage and course ( I do not want to say job, maybe dream is more exat).I ache for love and then marriage, and I also put my heart on it. though it did not pay off, I believe God will bless me.
@tess1960 (2387)
• United States
27 Mar 07
There are a lot of good responses here. I too believe you are not ready. You should NOT marry untill you are absolutely sure that you are willing to Share your life with another person. You will get the odd looks and odd questions about your singlehood even more so as you age. Some people are cruel and some just don't understand why a person could not or is not looking for a mate. Do what your heart/mind tells you to do and if it says stay single then by all means stay single. Be honest with your girlfriend, tell her you are not ready for marriage and are not sure if you ever will be. You may lose her but you amy be surprised in that she may feel the same way. If you are always honest with your girlfriends about how you feel then you will feel better about yourself and maybe be able to clear your mind of some of the fears and just be yourself. Being yourself will be a truely freeing experience and it may help you to know that you have made the right choice. If and when you meet the right person for you, you will know immediatley as many of the fears you have expressed will seem trivial compared to your desire to be with her always.
• China
27 Mar 07
your comment will be my foever reminder. thank you, my friend.
28 Mar 07
u may fear marriage coz u like bein free to choose different girls like a lot of men do or u just dont like to be in the centre of attention u mite not want someone to no ur secrets persoally i look forward to gettin married i just need to find the right man tht i lovei like the fact how u can love the man so much u no hell neva leave u
• Philippines
28 Mar 07
u've already said the reasons....well...me..im afraid too..coz it may end up wrong..and regret everything...i really want to be sure at evrything....
@20031969 (934)
• India
28 Mar 07
first of all i am married person. it is said " marriage is a laddoo who takes it repent and who does not take it repent also. and many people want to have it to repent. (please try to understand my word definately you will laugh). we should not fled away from our responsibilities. it is seen that those who have burdens grow more and more. my opinion if you are honest towards your partner, you will get freedom also. thanks.