My wife loves younger son too much but not my elder son

India
March 28, 2007 4:10am CST
I have two sons ,one 5 years old and the other is 12 years old. Though their age difference is quite large ,they continuously fight for petty things. They seldom play together. Now whenever there is a fight their mother will always protect the younger and would not say anything to him but will scold the elder son severely. This has resulted in creating a feeling in the elder son that his mother does not love him.Though I do some balancing act whenever I am present, the situation in my house is very tense. I do try to make my wife understand the fact that parenting should be without bias to any of the children. Can my member friends suggest me how to tackle My wife,my both sons so that some permanent peace prevails in my house.
5 people like this
18 responses
• Australia
28 Mar 07
I am sure she loves them both equally but feels differently towards them.I have a 1 year old and a 9 year old and I know I would come across the same as you are saying because I do show more affection towards my younger son and am very strict on my older son yet i love them both equally,I feel as though my older son should be more responsible and be a better child but thats just it he is a kid and sometimes I resent him for being just that.I feel bad for being so strict with him and expecting so much from him but it doesnt mean i dont love him or love him any less.Honestly what i would suggest is give her a break,when you can take the boys one at a time if you can so she can have some quality time with each of them by them selves,also she needs time by herself,its tough being a mum and with a big gap like that its hard to divide your time equally without being bias and I honestly think having a big gap like that is more tiring than having 2 close together.You somehow need to make your older son aware that she loves him too because at 12 kids start to detacth themselves from their parents and thats when things can go wrong,just be there for both of them and hopefully things will smooth out.I wish you the best.
• India
28 Mar 07
Thanks a lot.I liked your suggestion of taking one child out at a time so that she spends quality time with the other.I will surely implement this. Thanks again.
• Australia
29 Mar 07
No problems at all.Best of luck.
@angelmae (351)
• Philippines
29 Mar 07
I think you should insist the equality between your sons. You should scold your wife whenever he does it. But not in front of your kids of course. Your wife needs more than reminding. Or your elder son might take a grudge until they're old. And that won't be healthy for your family.
@denden (803)
• Philippines
29 Mar 07
Dont tolerate you wife,i think you must talk first to your wife and tackle about being bias to the children and let her understand the situation and let her know the consequences if she will continue to make bias between your two sons.and after talking to your wife then talk to your son also the elder one and explain to him whats wron and let him understand it. then its the time that all the family will talk and open up.
• Philippines
29 Mar 07
I'm sorry but I think how your wife treats your kids are unreasonable. We also have kids ages 5 and 2 and we truly love them equally. It could be that your wife tends to give more attention to your younger son because he needs more of the guidance and caring because he is just starting to learn things on his own. And it could be that your wife feels the she is more needed by him than your other son. Try to talk to your wife about how you feel on this matter. Explain to her the negative effects of how she is acting towards your children. Communicate sincerely to her and tell her how important your family is to you and that's why you want best things to happen to this family.
@love923yr (195)
• China
29 Mar 07
in the most time , parents will protect the younger , because the younger one look like weaker. but who know the heart of your parents. to be a parent, you must exchange to your children often. so that some mistake will dismise
• Philippines
29 Mar 07
Maybe your wife has a reason why she do that. It doesnt mean that she does not love your elder son. She just thinking that the younger should need more attention that the elder one..You have to help explain in to your elder son so that he can understand the situation and he does not feel the feelings that his mother dont love him.
• United States
28 Mar 07
I'm a mom. I have a 4 year old and a 6 year old and they both get in trouble equally. I don't place blame on the older one anymore than I do the younger one. In my experience, if they are both fighting, that they have both done something wrong. AND more often than not, the younger ones are the more devious...lol. If they are fighting, I just yell at them both ;-) Seriously, she may think the younger one is more needy than the 12 year old. Which he is BUT she is sending a bad message across to the older one. If he gets too much bad attention from her, he could do something really bad when he isn't with you and he may not care and he may justify it by saying mom is always mean to me anyways so what did it matter. My husband and I spend equal one on one time with each child. It is important to us to have that time and let them know they are special. One on one time may be want you need or if the older son does feel that way, let him know he can tell his mom. Sometimes it takes hearing it from our kids to realize how wrong we are!
@ejayjae (38)
• Philippines
28 Mar 07
What she's doing is good for the elder child. It'll make the elder child be stronger emotionally. She's just preparing him to be like a parent to his younger brother if ever there'll be something bad that'll happen with you and your wife. Though she doesn't expect something like that to happen, she's just preparing her elder son to face the future properly and also guide his younger brother.
• United States
28 Mar 07
In response to your wife showing favoritism towards your younger child may be due to the difference in the two sons ages. With seven years between your two sons your wife is probaly feeling as though she needs to protect your youngest due to him being the baby. If there seems to be any other reasons I would suggest seeking a family therapist so an outside influence could maybe recognize and speak with your wife on ways to correct what she may not even know that she is doing wrong. Sometimes to hear things from someone outside of a situation can be more helpful.
@dbeast (1499)
• India
28 Mar 07
there is no way a mother can love one son more and the other less man.this is always an issue.parents always do tend to scold the elder one.being a younger one myself i know how these things work out.you dont have to worry about it,things will settle down with time.as you said you do the balancing act and change the mood.change it something jovial.thins will definitely brighten up.
• India
28 Mar 07
well this is a problem that i think is quite common in every house today.but after reading yours,it seems that its really a big problem.i dont think that there would be any mom on this earth who doesnt love her child.its just that she doesnt express it well.your wife maybe upbraid your elder child more than the younger one but that doesnt mean that she dont love the elder one.i would suggest you that speak to speak to your wife and try to make her understand that your elder one is minding the things.if she really loves the elder one,then she would really look forward to stop the bias.or else you should also talk to your son and make him understand that what he is thinking is wrong.make him realise some of the memories when her mother has really cared for him.i think if this works then your wife and your son would well with each other from then. i hope this works and everything for you goes ok from now. all the best!!!!!!!!!!!!
• India
28 Mar 07
First of all teach your wife about love, love is not sharing. Just say her to give equal feelings to both of your kids.
• China
28 Mar 07
In my country,mothers usually like the younger child too.I don't think it is sensible.I consider you shuold do some balancing act but not do it whenever the bias happens.It is not good for your younger child,he will think you love his brother more.So the children's relasionship will get worse.If you can not change your wife's mind,why don't change your children's.You can tell them to compromise with each other and you can let them do some hard work which they must depend on the other.
@inovator (603)
• Philippines
28 Mar 07
yah,,,its normal maybe your wife thought that your elder son can understand so many things than to your younger son,,,so she protect a lot him....yoy know yoy have to talked in a nice way for you to understand what is your problem....
@Gemmygirl1 (2870)
• Australia
28 Mar 07
I'm sure your wife loves your sons equally but in a case like this, the younger one cant stick up for himself like the older one can! My partner is the oldest of 4 & even now, the youngest one is always protected & has her parents still defending her against her older siblings - she's 17! I think it's just something mothers do, it doesn't mean they're playing favourites, it just means they know who needs the help more during the fights!
@saheli (79)
• India
28 Mar 07
I don't think that your wife is bised to any child, may be she thinks that younger son needs protection, and elder son should behave responsibly. But little minds can't think that way, and this is important to understand for your wife. Sibling has fights at home this is normal, I think parents should not take active participation or being judgement in their fights, (if the fights are on small things) don't pay much attention to their fights, let them handle disputes by their own. you can play impotant role here, may be your elder son is feeling neglected. talk to your elder son in you free time make him realise, that he is big brother. Tell him that his younger brither is small, so mamma has to give him more time.
@jsae29 (1122)
• Philippines
28 Mar 07
oh..sounds familiar. Just like your wife, I'm a mother of two boys, 7 and 3 and my husband often accused me of favoritism. God knows how I love both my son, and I do not favor one over the other. It may look like that I'm always protecting the younger one but I do not mean to do it. It is just mother instinct to look after the younger child for he is weaker and cannot defend himself. On the other hand, I easily get mad on my first child because I feel he should by now understand that his brother looks up to him and that he should take care of him.
@subathra (3519)
• India
28 Mar 07
Its quite not right on your wifes part to shower love only to the younger.even my elder brother is 7 years older than me but my parents have not differenciated with us till now.As your elder son is only 12 still he is small kid and you can advise him to keep going understanding.Its only your wife who has to change herself .pls tel her that this will bring enemity between the children and there can also circumstance arise which will lead to frustration of your elder one.he needs total care at this stage bcoz he has started realising the fact that mom is much caring to his brother.Try to advise her and if she still keep this going take her to counselling as it can get a better solution.