My married life is in danger and I need help and suggestions .

@samrat16 (2442)
India
April 8, 2007 1:58pm CST
I am finding difficulty in adjusting with my wife. We have been married for 7 years. We thought we were made for each other. Since last year things are changed. She is an MSc and a house wife. Most of the times we get into arguments because of in laws. I don’t like her parents and family due to some un favorable incidents that took place in the near past. Not living together is not the solution, it will have more problems than what we have now. I want to support my parents and family. She doesn’t like it. She has “tit for tat kind of attitude” . Is there any one in Mylot group who can reply for my specific problem. It is an arranged marriage. Now i think that I have chosen a wrong partner. There is not guarantee that wife /husband will have the same attitude which he/she has at the time of marriage. In the case of a job we can change the job and apply the learnings in the new job. Is this the life...........? Is there any solution ...........? ( friends this is not my problem but problem of a close friend , I think you have suggestion for him )
7 people like this
29 responses
• Israel
8 Apr 07
Well, a tough one... People change. That is a fact - which I think is a happy one... One should be in peace with everyone. I don't know what her family has done to your friend, but he should certainly make up with them. There is no way out of it. Unless, of course, your friend doesn't love his wife... and that is another story. I think, that if there is love between them, they should talk like grown ups, and share what bothers them. I think the cause would not be in their relationship, but some outside source. Maby something financial, or her family poisoning her mind against him, a lousy boss in his work that makes him unbearable in his home... There must be a reason. But first, your friends must look into himself, for there must be something he can do by himself in order to make things better. He is responsible for his destiny, and there is no way he has no effect over it - so he must sit down, and think - what do I do wrong, and how do I fix it? If it is the obvious - his relationship with her family, it is quite easy, I think. Otherwise, act to fix what's wrong. After he is whole inside, and knows he can aome to her with his concious clear, he should now fix things they are both responsible of.
2 people like this
@jshekar (86)
• India
8 Apr 07
Its common problem in most of the families my friend. It occurs both in Love marriege and arranged marriege. You need to have patience and be good with ur wife and in laws. Make sure that you do not have unnecessary arguments with ur wife or with her family. It is better to stay apart from both families and provide support for both of them if it is necessary. Make ur wife feel like u r caring her very much and her family as well. Do provide support to ur family as well. Do not discuss or argue with the topics which she does not like. U make her to feel like u r giving most preference to her only. woman are more possesive abt their parents and family after marriege and they cannot tolerate if u ignore them.
• India
9 Apr 07
see if u decide to divorse her and marry again u will never be happy again.so try to adjust with her.thats the only way.everyone wants to lead a happy and peaceful life.so this is the only way
1 person likes this
• United States
9 Apr 07
I had this problem with a boyfriend and we were together at Christmas and he left me alone to go to his mother's and I spent the whole day all by myself. I wasn't even invited. That really hurt my feelings. He had promised to give me a better Christmas than I'd ever had, but he ignored me and only bought me a cheap necklace that he asked for when we broke up. If you want her to be happy, just make sure that she's first in your life. You're supposed to leave your father and mother and cleave to your wife. But nothing is said about the wife leaving her family. So I believe that means the man is supposed to be the man and stand on his own feet and support the wife.
1 person likes this
• New Zealand
9 Apr 07
Wow, thats complicated. I don't know much about arranged marriages but I guess its good that you felt like you were made for each other to start with. Attitudes are always a problem, you can be in the deepest love ever but if you disagree on the main things like children etc then it might not work. Has he talked to his wife about how she feels? If this problem is so big that it can't be worked through?
1 person likes this
@mayenskie (1308)
• Philippines
9 Apr 07
I am exposed to communities in my country with arranged marriages. Many of these marriages work out well because of the joint efforts of both parties. In fact, I appreciate this paractice since they tend to have stronger families and less cases of divorce or separation happened. I think that to make your marriage work, it will be a joint effort by you and your wife or your friend and his wife to build their family strong especially if they have children. Since both of you are adults now (that's how I call it once persons get married) you just need to heartily communicate with each other. No problem in relationships could ever occur if communications are open between you and your wife. Then if an agreement is reached by you regarding your respective families of origin, you need to stick to it and adjust and evaluate your action as couple. You really have to face your own marriages. Many couples now a days are broken because of in law problems or interference. However, if you love your wife and children, you need to find ways to secure their future since your future happiness and success in life is anchored on them. You know better what to do with your problem. What you need is only an affirmation of what you think is right. I just hope that your family will last for a lifetime . Good luck for what ever decision you will take. God bless you in this endeavor.
@xainge (14)
• Philippines
9 Apr 07
i dont agree with arranged marriages firstly... and i dont think anyone can give you a good enough response to your problem cause no one knows you or your wife! the best person to get an opinion from would be someone whos not bias to one of you but knows you both very well... all i can really comment on is, youve been together 6 good years... is one bad year gonna break you up?
1 person likes this
@bindishah (2063)
• India
9 Apr 07
If your wife and you are having problems then the best thing to do is try and talk it out first. You said she is an Msc and a housewife. Maybe she is dissatisfied because she is at home all day. maybe she cana ctually go out and work and see if that brings about a change in her attitude.
1 person likes this
• India
9 Apr 07
Am not grow up and only 10 months before i have got married! and mine is a love marriage!!!! but in this ten months of marriage i have learnt lots ... definatily attitude of husband and wife changes after marriage! as you have more responsiblity... and there are fights too between them,its normal! but here your friends wifes attitude is not right! it is sons duty to take care and support his parents! and this he should explain his wife in bold letters! he should take her for a weekend or a day! may be they need little freh air or time just by thenselfs!same routine in life make you boring and so your life! they should see they keep some spicial time for each other! love can change anything! even an unexpected compliment can make her really happy... so ask your friend to change her with love fighting is no solution!
1 person likes this
@maddysmommy (16243)
• United States
9 Apr 07
Well if your concerned about your parents and family and are all in for helping them, then you need to be able to do the same for her parents and family too (even if you don't like them!). Besides, there is only so much you can do to help your parents and family - your wife and children come first and they are your priority. Your family and extended family come second (well thats how I see it anyways). Sometimes you need to say NO if you are not able to help out financially and it shouldnt be based on the fact that you dont like them either - if you can afford to help them then great, if not, then suggest another way that wont cost you lots of $$ or lead to arguements with each other. You both need to start refocussing back on your own marriage instead of getting into arguements about each others inlaws. Find some common ground when you do discuss your inlaws and come to an agreement on how much you will help out with each family, and stick to it. It would be very sad if you gave up on your marriage because of your inlaws. :) best of luck!
@renagades (342)
• India
9 Apr 07
first pray to god that ur wife want to be perfect and see that ur obidient & do yoga daily
1 person likes this
@hoghoney (3749)
• United States
9 Apr 07
I am not sure if I can deal with an arranged marriage but I understand that some countrys do that. I would rather choose who I want to spend my life with. there is a thing called the 7 year itch as we put it here me and my 2nd husband was like that we had nothing in common and when we hit the 7 year mark all hell broke lose and he started running around on me and now we are divorced and it was the best thing that happened to me because I have found someone that we really have alot in common with and my life is so much better now. good luck in what ever you choose to do my friend.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
8 Apr 07
If you want to make the marriage work...move to a different location...as far away as possible from your in laws.
@kathy77 (7488)
• Australia
8 Apr 07
Oh yes don't you hate it when in laws get involved in your martial affairs, as for us we always stayed out of them but were there to help if needed. Oh well we don't have these kind of marriages in our country but they do where my husband comes from and he does not like it that is why he came to my country to find a wife. You say that you want to help and support your family but what about hers. In regards to a working life that is up to the individual.
@judyt00 (3504)
• Canada
8 Apr 07
Its commendable that you waqnt to support your family, but you mustfirst think about your wife! She should never go without because of yourfamily's wants. Her wants must come first! And as to not liking her family, I'n sure she feels the same about your family. its time you grew up and stopped depending on in-laws to help disolve your fights and time you stopped joining yourfamily in an arguement with her. A good husband always supports hiswife in an arguement with his parents. She is now his first family! I suggest you move a few miles away from both sets of in-laws, and let your wife help pick the house you are living in. Set aside a specific, small amount every pay check, no more than 1/4 of your income to help BOTH families if they need help, if they demand more, simply tell them you cannot afford any more. She will be happier if you are also helping her family out. If she works outside the home, You should help with the housework, since she works just as hard as you do outside the home, simple things like washing the dishes, sweeping the kitchen floor, or making the bed every morning only takes a few minutes fron your day, but will be greatly appreciated by your wife. Buy your wife gifts or flowers, as if she was just your girlfriend, and she will start to appreciate you more. And make sure she always has enough money to be able to go out for a coffee, or icecream with her sisters or friends. Simple little things like this make for a happy marriage
1 person likes this
• India
11 Apr 07
hey samrat thanks soooooo much!!!!! i mean for the best responses!
• India
11 Apr 07
and you know some one marked my respnse negative!!!! its ok now! thanks again and ya i was just wondering that can we find out who has given us negative???? take care!
@subha12 (18462)
• India
11 Apr 07
If she likes to fight, i think there is little way to solve this problem. I have seen many people who are adaMNET and think what they are doing are right. They don't think that it may do harm to others. If talking don't help, then i think counsalling is required.
@mtdewgurl74 (18122)
• United States
11 Apr 07
To your close friend My hubby doesn't really like my parents either to much he barely tolerates them. I think also have that fair is only fair atitude I think everyone would. I am like this what is good for the goose is good for the gander type of person you shouldn't just be helping your family when hers may be in need also maybe helping each a little and that will help matters alot her seeing that you are being fair. So what if she is a house wife should that be changing anyhting? No, my husband has an atitude also he is thinking it is his money he can do what he wants and he rarely gives me any and my family helps me out all the time they are people I can rely on his I can not. So you both need to set down and settle things and don't let this come between you why ruin a marriage over it? I would write the pros and cons of the situation out. You know your feelings you are having wanting to help your family? She is having these same feelings and feels bad when you say things and disregard her family. Me an my hubby fight over the same things family and money. So take her feelings into concideration. She has a right to her own feelings. maybe there is a way to help both..
@shila07 (515)
• Bhutan
11 Apr 07
Hunsband and wife relation is the best relation and its the most memorable relation. YOur friend have been married for seven years and i donot think that there is a big problem. You know what, its just a simple problem with them. Tell your friend that he should not live with the past memories( incidents).He should treat his wife parents as his own. In this situation his wife is right because, for every one of us, parents are the most improtant in our life. NO one tolerates if someone talk bad about our parents. For me also, i cannot tolerate the insult about my parents. Your problem will be solved if you treat her parent very well, love them, atleast pretend to love them, and iam sure your wife will also love your parents( to tell your friend)
@whyaskq (7553)
• Singapore
10 Apr 07
Your friend seem to be at the mercy of the 7-year itch :P And most problems it seems to be with the in-laws. If I am not wrong, the crash is with the mother-in-law. Now the problem seems to escalate to the wife unhappy that the husband is taking care of his family. In such a case, may I suggest that the couple stay away from both parents. They could arrange a day to visit the wife's family and a day to visit the husband's family, and one day for each alone. The rest of the 4 days, the couple should take the opportunity to have some quiet momemts together, to share and talk and rekindle their love. To survive an arranged marriage for 7 years, I would say it is already a feat and achievement. They should be happy as they started off as 2 strangers and managed to live together for 7 years. It is a shame to ignore the problem and let it escalate beyond repair.
@ayushi (224)
• India
9 Apr 07
sir i think you are wrong at thinking that you have chosen a wrong life partner..if she argues then you should think why does she do so...??may be its some one else who is at fault...and you urself said that it is because of certain incidents that took place in near past.. you will have to be patient nad sort it out with your wife...and the best solutions is to talk to her everyhting about what you can do and what you can not...tell her clearly but softly that you can not leave your parents...also try to make ypur parents understand not to do what she argues upon and try adjustiing a bit ...as you say getting apart is no solution..and you have definitely not made any mistake choosing her as your life partner..