Am I protecting my sons?  

Your niece sounds alot like my mom when she was younger and still going throough the phase but not as bad as she used to be. Whats being childish and unfair is your niece to her babies. If she wanted anything to do with them she shouldva stopped her partying and took care of them babies. Every child deserves to know their biolocial parents when they straighten their act up. If I were in this postion I might let her come over to my house when shes sober and not hungover to visit them babies. If she can do this a few times a month I might allow them to visit each other longer when shes over and when she proves to me that she can stay sober long enough to visit them babies then she might be able to take them to spend the night with her. But before the night spending shes going to have to prove that she can do it and its not gonna happen in a month or even 6 month period see what Im saying.

I think that you are doing the right thing keeping these boys away from the birth mother. When they are old enough to decide if they want to associate with her or get to know her better this is when it will happen. I wouldn't give into others pressures if I were you. You are thinking about the well being of your children as you should be.

If your niece wants a relationship with her boys (and you), then she needs to prove herself first. She needs to be clean for several months before she is allowed exposure to the boys. Then you should start with supervised visits (you being there when she's with the boys) and if that goes well, then you can allow her short unsupervised visits, and build up from there. Do not let your family judge you on your actions. These are your children (adopted or not) and you need to protect them. They are going to be exposed to a lot of bad things as they grow up, and they need to be able to feel safe within their family. If your niece refuses to agree to your terms, then her access to the children should be limited. Supervised visits may be okay under these condintions, as long as you are in control of the situation. This should be left to your discretion--you know your niece and how safe your children would be.

It is easy for outsiders to be judgemental and feel that they have a right to critisize your decisions. Do not let your family do this. They do not have the right to try and guilt you into anything. I come from a family where people have recovered from drug and alcohol abuse--and I'm currently reaping the consequences of a father who wasn't able to give up his drugs. Believe me, your children are better off not having a relationship with their mother than to grow up dealing with her mistakes. Remember that ultimately, this is your decision. If you decide to limit the boys' exposure to their mother, then when they get older (in their mid to late teens) you can let them decide if they want to get in touch with her. But for now, it is your decision. And remember that they are not being denied a mother--you seem to be doing a great job. If you weren't, then you wouldn't be concerned with this. You have my thoughts and prayers as you deal with this. This isn't an easy situation to deal with, but I'm sure that you'll do great. :)

At this point, I think you are doing the right thing. While your niece still has a problem with drugs and alcohol, it would not be advisable to allow her to influence her own children in her condition. Relatives and family members sometimes cannot understand the situation you are in. It is difficult enough to be in your position, raising 2 boys who already know that you are not their biological mother. Much more difficult to ensure that they will not be influenced into doing drugs and alcohol too, like their own mother. You have to explain to your family members and to your niece that in the future, if ever she (your niece) becomes completely well again, you may allow her to see and be with the children. But she has to make the decision to quit drugs and alcohol completely. It is not yet the end of the world. She has time to change. It is inevitable. Whether you like it or not, your sons will look for their mother in the future. As of now, I think you are doing the best to raise them the right way. Keep it up. Someday your boys will look back at all your efforts and realize that you made the right decision for the good of their future.

Oh, this is a very tough situation. On the one hand she IS their birth mother and the kids have the right to see her, but on the other hand she was into drugs. If I was you, I would let her see them but on MY terms. Meaning if she does ANYTHING that you see isn't quite right, the visit with the kids will end then and there. And of course this means YOU must be present during this visit. This is the only way you will know if things go poorly.

I wish you the best of luck!

I think you have it right. She is obviously not mature or even trying to be if she is telling them not to follow the rules you have set up for them and for their well being and safety. I wouldn't let her see the boys if I were in your situation. They need stability and it doesn't seem like she's going to be providing any, so why put them thru that? Your doing a great job, kudos for you.

She lost her parental rights, correct? You are now their legal gardian/mother and you have every right to refuse her from seeing those boys. She isn't their mother, you are. That is how I see it anyway. She had plenty of chances to fix her life up, she chose not to.

Don't worry what others say, you are the mother and you know what is best. In some cases keeping them apart might work out better, it's healthier for the kids. She shouldn't be allowed to come and go as she pleases, that could confuse the kids.

If you want her to have any part in the boys life, maybe set some guidlines with her and make it to where she just can't come over when she wants. She has to call a week before time or something.

But that is only if you really want her in the picture, if not, then that is your choice and only yours.

How old are the boys now? Have you asked them if they want to see their biological mom or are they still to young?

I would also never leave her alone with the boys and monitor everything, that is if you do give her a chance to be in their life, but she also has to understand that you are their mother now.

Before I can give you my answer. I need a little more on the sityation.If you can answer these questions for me it will help.
1) does she have any other children?
2) If so, do they live with her?
3) If they don't, then why not?
Let me know the answer to these questions please.

Kiss, my friend....I do not want to appear cruel or heartless and you know me, that is not my way...

BUT, she was given every opportunity to show that these children were important to her...and she CHOSE not to do any of it....just because NOW it is convenient for her to come into your home and disrupt these children's lives....no, I do not think that she has earned the right to do this to you....or the children..."The one time I did allow her to see the boys she made a point to encaourage the boys not to follow the rules. Which is very bad for the one because he has ADHD."

She should be ashamed of herself...for even asking....You have provided these boys with a stable, happy home life...something she was not even willing to try to do...

I think that the family members who are giving you a hard time..need to get over it...where were they when all of this was going on....they were not "jumping through each hoop that they ask me to like a trained dog. I am going to parenting classes, changed jobs so that my hours fit around their schedule. I made sure that the state would have no reasons to complain about anything I did. I ended up adopting both boys."

She by law has no right to these children!! By law of nature even less, in my opinion...you have told them that they are adopted...you have told them who their biological birth doner is....when they are old enough...if she is still clean...then I MIGHT allow them to develop a relationship...if I saw no adverse reaction from the addition of her in their lives...but these children are still young...I think she can only do more harm at this point...

She has already shown her appreciation for all that you have done for HER family..."The one time I did allow her to see the boys she made a point to encourage the boys not to follow the rules. Which is very bad for the one because he has ADHD."

Ultimately this is a decision that you will have to make...but I, for one, feel that it is your responsibility to protect these boys....a job which God blessed her with and she snubbed her nose at....

I realize that someone will be unhappy with you no matter whbat you decide to do...which is not fair....but that is just the way some people will be...you can not change it...you have earned the right to be these innocent boy's mother and I would not let anyone tell me how to raise my children...

If you feel that you can begin a "friendship" with your neice and not have the children around for a while...I could understand....but I would not feel obligated...I just would not allow her or anyone else in the family to pressure you..... However, I bet that she will not want to do this...in that manner....i get the feeling that she is trying to undermine your position with these boys....and she has no right to do that!!! Not now....Not ever!!!!

I will pray for you.....and for the boys....and your neice..

I hope that I did not offend you, Kiss, my friend...I am concerned for you....and I truly wish you the very best in trying to deal with this situation...I also want you to feel free to PM me if you need to talk....I will be here for you!

Tina

If these are your boys, you adopted them, then you can do what you want. You don't have to allow anything. She flubbed up. Parental rights were apparently severed for you to adopt them. It's sad, but the kids have probably been through hell and back. It might just be better to go forward and not backward. They are your kids. Anyone can have a child, but not everyone can be a mom. Kudos to you for being their mom.