I am a survivor of parental abuse

@nonew3 (1941)
United States
July 26, 2007 9:37pm CST
I am a survivor of both domestic violence and parental abuse. I left my father's very severe verbal abuse, and went to live on my own, but mother still sometimes tells me all about my father's verbal screaming, verbally violent, fits that he still keeps having. I never know ahead of time when she will tell me about it in all its gory details, so I have no way to prepare for it. Every time mother tells me about it, I get very upset, and it is very triggering to my PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). It is like hitting me with a sort of stun gun. I go into crying fits, get numb, and am literally physically and mentally unable to do a lot of even the most basic things such as taking the bus to my physical therapy appointments for my very injured and very painful back. It is seriously interfering with my life. It is such that I am afraid of calling mother because she might tell me about his verbal tirades, or I might call when he is having those screaming fits. Also, my physical therapist told me that I have to go to my physical therapy appointments regardless, even if I am unable to do so, because other people are trying to schedule. In other words, I would have to cancel and give up all my physical therapy treatments if I suddenly have to miss another appointment ever again. I am considering calling the manager of the medical facility, the one that has the medical clinic and physical therapy clinic about this, although I do see her point. I know. I am just a number to be processed. Mother says that I should not get upset about my father's abusive yelling fits. I keep telling her that I can't help it; it really upset me, and to please don't tell me any more about this, at least until I am done with physical therapy. I also left a couple long messages with my mother's counselor, who also is a friend of mine, about this. I was hoping that when I left the parental violence, that I really LEFT it, but no...I am physically away, but it's like it has never really gone at all. I can't just cease all telephone contact with my mother. She is my mother, for Pete's sake! But, I can't have this either. Oh, I found out today that the police in her city now know about his verbal tirades, and one time a few months ago they gave my father a stern lecture that it is against the law. After that he was nice for a while, but now he has backslidden back into his very loud and very verbally abusive ways.
2 people like this
3 responses
@spyjob (214)
• Philippines
27 Jul 07
I'm saddened by your story, im a mother and being a parent would do all the best i can to protect my children from anxiety and any form of abuse. Your mother have a very long patience that she bear all of these. Life must go on and it's important that you must take care of yourself now, maybe ignore those things about your father for the meantime and move on. It's your life, nobody can draw your priorities and goals but you. Time will come when all the abuses will stop..you must strive to be a better person. Good luck to you and i'll pray for your peace of mind.
1 person likes this
@nonew3 (1941)
• United States
27 Jul 07
All my life I wished that mother would divorce her man. I am often very angry that she still lives with that jerk. And, no, I can't just ignore those things about my father. It really upsets me. I wish he would stop abusing her. It really angers and upsets me that all the abuse that he put her and me through, is still going on. I hope the police get him good, and put his *** behind bars.
@Jennifer21 (2476)
• United States
28 Jul 07
I don't really know what you are asking, but all I can say is, I know, sort of, how you feel. I too went through damaging verbal and mental abuse by both my stepfather, not to mention, sexually abused as well (pysically by my biological father). I had to get away from the abuse, and I moved out as soon as I turned 17. My mother though, did nothing, and still will never admit to the fact that I have PTSD and bipolar because of her husbands abuse, and her negligence to do NOTHING! She doesn't call me to tell me how awful he is to her, like your mother does to you. But instead, she will tell me that I am a terrible child, because of my attitude towards her. This can affect someone just as much as you are affected. I go to therapy to help me deal with my problems, and it really has helped. Although I have a problem with both of my parents, I am able to forget them and move on with my life, knowing I am better without them. I don't know if knowing you are not alone dealing with problems will help you to cope, but, hey, at least I tried. Just KNOW, you are NOT alone, and there are people to help you. Maybe you should tell your mother that the calls she is giving you is really bothering you and triggering the PTSD that you have. If she loves you, she will not try to trouble you. Good luck to you, and know, you are NOT alone.
• United States
28 Jul 07
Oh, and I forgot to mention, there are many ways to cope with your problems of PTSD. For one, like I said, therapy. But also, there are medications out there that can help. I don't think the combo I am taking would help you because they are aimed at both my PTSD and bipolar, but you should really talk to your doctor. Your doctor will be able to find you a medication that can really help you cope. And, I sure hope you can deal with your problems better, good luck to you.
@nonew3 (1941)
• United States
29 Jul 07
I wonder, once the pain becomes more and more dimished, how my reactions might be toward stresses such as hearing about my parents abuse, and other stresses as well? I think it is right that when one is in pain, it's a lot harder to handle much at all. I find that on my days when the pain is horrific, I get very moody and snappy at people for things that don't really bother me all that much when the pain isn't so bad. Also, when I take painkillers, it puts my brain into somewhere in outer space, so even then I am not able to tolerate or cope with much. Severe pain and abuse are a horrific combination.
@RosieS57 (889)
• United States
28 Jul 07
Hi! I'm also a survivor of physical and verbal abuse and a chronic painer, too. First, you must accept that your mother is co-dependent and an enabler. My enabler mother is the verbally abusive one -- I deserved the beatings my father dished out. Yeah, right. This was before the 70's and 80's when it became illegal to beat your children so I had no way to escape. You can't change her. That's all there is to that part. You instinctively respond with the fight or flight response and you can't help that. You can fight each time you are triggered or you can flee. What you will eventually need to do to deal with your PTSD is desensitise yourself to the yelling and fighting so that it no longer sets you off. If the Behavioral Center has someone who can help you learn desensitization techniques to get you out of the fight or flight response that's what you want to do. I agree that doing this yourself and not relying on medicines to desensitize you are the way to go in this respect. Good luck! You can do this and the sooner the better!
@g3n3j0rd (720)
• Philippines
27 Jul 07
I'm sorry that you have to go through all these. I just want you to thank you for sharing your experience. I'm a father and I tend to say nasty things to my kids especially when they do things that are not right. With what you have shared here, I realized that I don't want this to happen to my kids. I love them and I don't want them to be traumatized. Thanks for making me realize these things.
@nonew3 (1941)
• United States
27 Jul 07
I am glad that my posting all this has made a difference. A lot of people either don't know, or else forget, that the trauma of severe parental verbal abuse often continues even into adulthood, and the recovery from it is very difficult.