If someone so close to your heart lied would you give chance to forgive?
@angel_of_charm (4133)
Philippines
August 16, 2007 7:00am CST
say for example, your significant other lied to you for purpose..he/she had stayed on his/her ex place temporarily because things in his/her life got complicated and he/she did not tell you about it because he/she knew you will not want her/him to do it..and this ex is helping him/her to straighten up his/her life specially if she/he is entitled with a huge responsibility she/he must fulfill a role..nothing is happening just but pure friendship till one day you found out from other people about it..you ask explanation and he/she said he/she did it for his/her family because at the time he/she needs full support that you cannot give..he/she asks for forgiveness for the lies..and ask for another chance to work things out..
now the question is..is there a hope that you can forgive with regards to his/her reason? or you would just walk away when you know he/she needs you so bad beside him/her?
4 people like this
10 responses
@zaichn (319)
• Philippines
16 Aug 07
Definitely ! yes.. I will give someone close to my heart a chance even though she had lied to me about some things regarding her ex. One essential factor in a relationship is trust.. Yes, she is seeing her ex.. but you already know that it is over between the two of them. And that someone you love is just giving his/her ex a helping hand.. I think that is a very good gesture. Even though people may tell you things, gossips or chit-chats, there is still no proof to it.. unless you really see something going on between you loved one and his/her ex.. You just have to confront or talk to your loved one about it first.. Remember, don't accuse. Just ask. :)
2 people like this
@angel_of_charm (4133)
• Philippines
16 Aug 07
i salute you for being so open minded about it..others may have assume all they wanna assume and believe and can even insult you..somehow only rare people can be so open minded over things.
1 person likes this
@lucky_witch (2707)
• Philippines
17 Aug 07
Well that would be very painful. I would gladly accept it if one of my enemy lied to me... but from someone I trusted that would be really painful.
But the point is...we all makes mistakes so I think its better if you would find forgiveness in your heart. Try to wrk things out if you still love him and if you feel that he is really sorry for what he did.
@sukumar794 (5040)
• Thiruvananthapuram, India
17 Aug 07
I am great to the point of allowing forgiveness to whomsoever I have close contacts with . Since living life is uncertain these days , a point of lying is negligigible . after all, to err is human and to forgive is divine.
@puchapox (579)
• Philippines
16 Aug 07
"The most hurtful kind of lies are the ones delivered by the people you care about the most. It makes you doubt everything you know and makes you wonder why you care so much and worst of all, it puts you in the position of deciding whether to tell them you know they're lying or act like you're too dull to even know the difference. Keep this in mind the next time you lie to someone who cares about you, more often than not, they know it and it hurts a lot."
This was a text message I received from my friend. Wala lang. I thought its related to your topic. If I was in this person's place, I think if i truly love the guy, i will find it in my heart to forgive him, but since the trust was broken, i will forever doubt that he's being honest with me all the time. Its hard to put the trust back once its gone, and since he needs help I would help him with the problems, and once its resolved he needs to work hard to put trust back into the relationship.
@angel_of_charm (4133)
• Philippines
16 Aug 07
actually it wasn't my situation..i was just putting a situation :)
but if you really love someone then i think you must give them the benefit of the doubt and give chance to prove it can be fixed to work it out and do things that will make it work out again..
1 person likes this
@mikecrush (163)
• Malaysia
16 Aug 07
It's about trust and deep sense of love coz we all make mistakes and sometimes do stupid things in trying times.
Personally i will give her a chance and i would take a step back and see what my loop hole was until to lose her confidence in me .. the main person that was supposed to care for her.
2 people like this
@Perspectives (7131)
• Canada
17 Aug 07
I have had people I loved lie to me...and it hurts. You feel like a fool and want to just end things rather than give them another chance. In some cases I have severed the ties because I knew they would probably do it again because they showed no remorse and did not appologise or explain their actions. I tried to talk it through..but there would or could not. So they are pretty much out of my life.
In another case someone very close to me lied and even mismanaged something financial we were involved in. When I found out that he was ill and under mental duress..we were able to talk things through. He is seeking counselling and I have great respect for how forthcoming he was and that helped me accept and work through the betrayal I felt. He is someone I want in my life...and as long as he gets help, heals his life and does not break trust again..I will put the whole thing behind me and move on.
So I think each case is different...and it all depends on the person and what you are willing to risk. To me creating emotional safety is the key for all of us.
@Perspectives (7131)
• Canada
18 Aug 07
As a life couch my approach to assiting people is to encourage them to become responsible for their own lives by taking a long hard look at what is and is not working. Sometimes there are people that fall under the 'energy vampire' catagory. That may sound harsh..but they are people who feel so victimized that they want everyone in their sphere to 'rescue' them and fix things rather than assuming responsibility for who there are and where they want to go.
Those who continually rush in and rescure without finding the victim professional help are placing themselves in the role of enabler and a vicious cycle of co-dependency often develops. The rescuer rescues the victim...and when they can not longer do it or choose not to the victim ups the drama in order to keep them there.
It is far too complicated a process to ever do it justice in a forum like this. My question to you and the other parties involved is how long will you put up with repetitive acts without creating safe emotional boundaries from what sounds like a very troubled person? Even though it is a little difficult for me to fully decipher what is going on through the 'he said/she said' presentation it does sound like this has other dynamics at play and is not just about whether to forgive or not.
In all human relations it is possible to love someone and still not like the way they act. Each person in whatever role needs to create safe emotional boundaries and figure out what they are and are not prepared to do. Forgiveness comes with clarity, wisdom and understanding. From the sound of your posts...there are people in the middle of a muddle. Good luck with sorting it out!
1 person likes this
@angel_of_charm (4133)
• Philippines
17 Aug 07
it really sounds like there is hope to everything..well in this case the reason was explained but the party who had been lied would not believe on the matter..the main reason of the other party was because she/he needs help from this friend to settle his/her life..his/her life is full of mess and she/he has a family who needs him/her to support..experience a lot of sufferings in life and only this friend had lend a helping hand to help him/her..she/he has nowhere to go when she/he is in trouble because no friend had want to help out..would it be forgivable?
2 people like this
@faith210 (11224)
• Philippines
16 Aug 07
Hi angel_of_charm! Oh that is a toughie because in order to forgive you have to go beyond your emotions. However, if that happened to me, I will probably forgive him if the main reason is I was not able to give him the kind of understanding that he needed from me...maybe I will accept my fault of not being there for him completely...but he has to mend his ways too and if we give it another chance, he has to really make me trust him again because the fact remains that he lied to me. Moreover, I do believe that love can always outweigh the faults and flaws of us all. Have a nice day and take care.
@rima0013 (441)
• Iran
16 Aug 07
it deponds on how i love and trust her . and ofcours i can't answer exactly becuase i have not been in the same situiation.
i try to tell my partner how do i hate lieing before starting relationships...in this way i can control and prevent these situations.
@anonymili (3138)
•
16 Aug 07
I would feel very hurt if my man went to his ex to stay and get support that I could not provide. I would be somewhat suspicious and would actually want to speak with her to hear from her mouth that nothing went on. I would want to speak with her alone and say to her that he told me everything but I want to hear it from her too. If their stories did not match then I would have to do some serious thinking. As it is, my hubby lives with me so I can't envisage his ex coming into his life, he hasn't seen or heard of her in about 8 or more years and has no idea where she is and has said he wouldn't even acknowledge her if he saw her in the street (which is likely as she lives on another continent LOL).
This is a very difficult question to answer as it falls in the "what if?" category and it's so difficult to know what you'd actually do until you were in that actual situation yourself :)
1 person likes this
@EvanHunter (4026)
• United States
18 Aug 07
Thats alot of He/she's. I get the feeling this is the "I know this friend" conversation. I am not too sure I would wlcome them back with open arms. Forgiving is one thing it takes alot more to forget. I would say its ok to be friends but more than that would take time and the person just might have to prove that they arent going to make the same mistakes before the other person should get involved with them.
1 person likes this
@delladidit (466)
• United States
16 Aug 07
...There has been so much distrust in my marriage, I couldn't take anymore. I filed for divorce 1st of Feb. He lied, cheated and stole from us, all for hedonistic reasons.
...End of April, I started chatting with an online business associate. We have become painfully honest with each other. He is moving here end of September.
...If he ever lied to me, it would crush me. We have gone out of our way to make sure there is nothing the other need worry about. It hasn't been easy. It has been worth it. I have never felt so connected to anyone.
...We are going to live apart for one year before we decide if we can make it as a couple. We both need time to heal from past hurts and we both need time with our children. They need time before we transition together.
...What I do know is that if you do not have trust and honesty between you, you have nothing! If S.O. lies to get you to a surprise party, that is one thing. If S.O. lies to protect your feelings, they are not honest and it opens the door for more lies down the road all done for wrong reason.
...There will be no lies between my new man and I. Knowing what I had to say would hurt him, I still told him. He asked his questions and now feels better knowing. It cost me to tell and it cost him to hear. It made our relationship stronger, so it was a good investment.
...Thanks for asking. Peace be with you. =(^;^)= Della
