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Should I open the beesnest email this discussion to a friend?

myLot reputation of 82/100. Bunsdk (229)   ranked 2,992 out of 5,472 in family12 months ago

I have all my life lived in a rather weird family, and have found in later years that this has had a pronounced bad effect on my personal life how I work inside.

Two years ago it spread into a severe depression, and professional advice was to take the discussion with my family to air the past problems.

Im not sure I am able to.

A little background to help you understand why.
I have a father, a stepmother (who has been my mom since I was 3, so I call her mom, and cant even remember any other), 1 bigsister, 1 bigbrother (who never lived with us, so in effect wasnt anymore than a cousin) and 1 smaller brother.
My sister is my full sister, my small brother my half brother, and my bigger brother not related by blood.

My father is a very very conservative person. I always jested that he only once had a new idea, leaving his moms womb, and even regretted that idea. Ofc never when he hears it:D
He is very emotionally detached. His life is like this every day: He wakes up, eats goes to work, comes home, eats, reads the paper, watches the news, a little more tv and then off to bed. Basicly no interactions with anyone in the family.
My stepmom, never ever hid the fact that neither my sister nor I was her not her real children, and favored her own son (lill'bro) openly.
Since my bro learned to walk, my mom seems to have had the idea that I learned how to trip him. Everything that went wrong was my fault even if I wasnt in the room, and my brother wasnt slow to make full use of this either.
I knew before I was 10 that I would get kicked out of the house by the time I hit 18. I was told that I was a necessety for having a normal life for my mom.
Me and my sister was pretty much not allowed anywhere in the house but our rooms, and the kitchen only when we were eating.
Just scetching out the plotline there, wont go any closer as that stings a lot still.

Life was very hard, couldnt get to talk to my dad since I knew the repricautions would be severe, and I knew that his actions would be in vain since he didnt believe anything we told him.

To my parents outward appearances mattered more than anything. I remember once being beaten up, I got scolded that me being in a fight gave a bad reflection on my dad and mom. No mention of me being blue and green, just how it reflected on them.

On the outside the family "looks" normal. Most people even within the near family have no clue what have happend. Both my sister and I have problems these days and talk about it alot, but both fear ever having to talk about it with our parents.

I know that I have been developing a depression since I was about 12. All the signs when looked back upon begin there, and I have a hard time coming to terms with half of what happend. Mostly just trying to ignore them as mere fiction as I doubt a family could have been that detached to reality.
But the more I am delving into my past the worse I feel about it all.
I have professional guidings in this and as mentioned have been asked to confront the past with my parents.

Im not sure I can, or even how to, and I ask for a little help here where I am happily a little anonymous

 
 
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zoesden (344) response was accepted on 9/21/2007.
denotes best response.
tags:  family, abuse, stepmother, survivor
 
1. myLot reputation of 74/100. zoesden (344)   ranked 5,336 out of 5,472 in family   12 months ago

I grew up in a very abusive family, didn't know my father, ended up in foster homes, etc. I brought stuff up with my mother when I was about 19 and she denied things, said that the past is the past. I think bringing things up from the past can bring up even worse situations. I have learned to move on, not let the past affect who I am now. Have my own family and friends now, and live with the type of atmosphere I want in my life. If you confront your family, why? What are you wanting out of it? An apology, them to tell you they love you, you to say I didn't like this or that? Not worth the headache to me. If your family wanted to talk about things with you they would on their own. Learn from you past, leave it there, know who you are now, become who you want to be, surround yourself people you want in your life that give you the love and respect that you want. That's what I do. I wish I would have had the happy family growing up, but I didn't and that's that. But I do have my husband 7 children and friends and very happy now. You create your own happiness, sadness, and purpose in life. Don't let the past create them for you.


myLot reputation of 82/100. Bunsdk (229)   ranked 2,992 out of 5,472 in family  12 months ago

THanks for your reply Zoesden.
I dont personally want to bring it up as mentioned. I was adviced to.

I didnt get why I had to and I feel pretty much like you, let it be. Work myself out of it in time and just hope that I dont have to go down that road.

Affordable Family Trips Take a Summer Vacation to Biltmore. Incredible Deals Kids Get in Free. www.Biltmore.com
 
2. nightbird (4)   ranked 5,334 out of 5,472 in family   12 months ago

Perhaps your therapist believes that if you confront your family you will experience some personal healing. Although in an ideal world, where everyone magically saw the mistakes they've made and after being confronted, changed into loving beings who then gave you all of the support, comfort and love you needed, this might be true. However, human beings are more complex than that. but, in reality, what would it get you? Denial is a very strong defense mechanism, and if one or both of your parents were to be in strong denial, confronting them would get you nowhere. Confronting them won't bring on the healing you long for.

Sometimes family members are so toxic that the best thing you can do is move on. I'm glad you have your sister. If you find it helpful, continue counseling with the current therapist or another one, so that you can work through your feelings and start to heal the wounds you have from such terrible treatment. Some people find group therapy or support groups helpful, also. You don't have to go through this alone.

Although you could not pick your family, you can now choose your friends. Sometimes your friends become your "family". Choose your friends wisely.

Learn from your parents; vow never to treat another child the way you were treated.

I wish you all the best.


myLot reputation of 88/100. LavenderPower (170)   ranked 2,079 out of 5,472 in family  12 months ago

I agree with Nightbird. Sometimes it's just better to confide in those that can understand, like your sister. I am 43, when I confided in my family about the sexual abuse I encountered from a non-blood uncle as a child. The family, mother, father and my two brothers and their wives. all turned on me. SO today...I have a new family...of over 2000 other Lavender Power sisters who know what I have been through, understand my hurt, my pain. They know when I need a hug, they know when I need a good, "hey listen to yourself" They understand it all. Support Groups are great, when you have a dysfunctional famiy, that doesn't know how to comfort and love.

"Friends...GOD's Apology for Family"

Safe Hugs
Co-Founder
www.LavenderPower.org


myLot reputation of 82/100. Bunsdk (229)   ranked 2,992 out of 5,472 in family  12 months ago

Very great replies, sorry for being a bit late on replying back, but was reflecting on what was posted.

And I honestly think I agree to what you say, as most of what you said was what I was afraid of myself.


Thanks for taking your time to ease my mind:D

Care.com for Your Pet Browse Pre-Screened Care Profiles. Find Quality Local Pet Care Today. www.Care.com/petcare
 
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