Break on through to the other side!!!  |
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 Since some of you have been reading my discussions about my post-traumatic stress disorder and other issues in my life for months now, I thought I'd post about a breakthrough I had recently. Part of this relates to my other discussion about not worrying about changing the past, in case some of you are wondering.
I've learned how to deal with nightmares over the years, and my favorite way to do so is through use of a lucid dreaming technique where I insert a "warrior-self" into my dream to defeat either whomever or whatever is harming me, or the dream itself. This warrior-self started with an idea given to me by a doctor for an approach to my physical health, but was expanded upon by my meditative techniques and spiritual practice.
Until recently, there was one specific point in my worst nightmare/memory beyond which I would completely lose control: that moment where I took the throwing knives I always wore up my sleeve out and set them on the table before going out to walk. What happened after that, in real life as well as in the nightmare, is that the person I was walking with brutally raped me and left me for dead, bleeding from a knife wound. I was 11 years old when this happened, and the nightmares had thus been plaguing me for about 16 years.
Of course in my thought process (as the strong person I am), I always get tripped up over the fact that I left my knives, trusting someone else to protect me, when that person wound up being the one I needed to be protected from. So I would never be able to change anything past that point, because that laying aside of the knives would be where I lost my control. The two popular ways of looking at this were: 1) You couldn't have done anything with those knives anyway, and it wouldn't have made a difference, so nothing is your fault. 2) You COULD have stopped him with the knives, which is why you torment yourself, and you HAVE to take part of the blame for what happened to move past it because of your nature as a strong person.
Neither of these ideas really worked for me, because I had used the knives very well to defend myself before that point, BUT I couldn't accept part of the blame because that would in my mind mean other people who had been raped were partially to blame. I couldn't get past that.
My breakthrough was this: I might have been able to change that incident, and I might not have, but in the end, what does it matter? If that incident had changed, everything in my life after it would have changed. Do I want an entire different life than the one I have now? I like the person I am now, so why would I want to change that? (See now how this ties into my other discussion.) This thought came up in therapy first, and then continued to form over the next few days.
So last night, I had that same dream, I laid the knives on the table, we walked out the door... and my warrior self (who is of course my current age), tore the fabric of the dream to ribbons with a spear. Ahhh.
I hope someone actually reads my dismally long discussion starter here, but I figured since some of my friends had been following my issues for a while now, someone would.:P
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1.  betsyraeduke (1227) | 2 years ago |  Yes, I read your dismally long discussion starter, lol..I am happy for you that you had that breakthrough. That is a good way to look at it.
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 lecanis (7212) | 2 years ago | Woohoo! Thanks for reading!:) | |
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 urbandekay (4295) | 2 years ago |  "Dismally long" LMAO
all the best urban
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| lecanis (7212) | 2 years ago | *giggles* Yup, yup, that's me. I'm so long-winded.:P | |
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| 2. urbandekay (4295) | 2 years ago | Amor fati
all the best urban | |
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| lecanis (7212) | 2 years ago | Amor fati, indeed. That's a good way to put it. | |
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| 3. girlgonefishing (1224) | 2 years ago |  I really enjoyed reading this lecanis. I'm so glad you had such a wonderful breakthrough! I'm sure that by sharing your dream technique with others it may even help them. I do pretty much the same thing when I am dreaming. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't but, I'm always glad when it does.
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| lecanis (7212) | 2 years ago | Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed reading this. I was a little worried no one was really that interested, but then I remembered my wonderful friends here!:)
It took me years to get my dream method to work as much as it does, and I'm so glad I have it! | |
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| 4. OreoCookie3 (18440) | 2 years ago |  Lecan, none of what happened to you is your fault. You were a child. Even if you were an adult that would not have been your fault. I think you have done a marvelous thing that most people can't fathom how to do. You inserted a warrior of your grown up self to destroy that monster in the dark. You are healing yourself from this torment. I am so in awe of your strength my friend. I am so sorry all those bad things happened to the little girl that was you.
But you like the person you are now... and you are somehow stronger for having endured this horror. You have already channeled this energy into helping others... so maybe some good has come from your tragedy. You are a survivor. You are no longer a victim and you are teaching others to reclaim their power too. I have learned so much from you, myself. I admire you Lecanis.
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| lecanis (7212) | 2 years ago | Thank you, Oreocookie.:)
I really appreciate that you feel you have been able to learn from me, as I too have learned from you!:) | |
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| 5. Transdisc (18489) | 2 years ago |  This does sound like quite a breakthrough, lecanis! Congratulation!:)
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| lecanis (7212) | 2 years ago | Thank you, Transdisc!:)
You know, I wouldn't have been doing half as well as I am now if it weren't for some of the discussions we had several months back, so I should be thanking you for that too.*hugs* | |
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| 6. LilMissB (620) | 2 years ago |  Okay Lecanis, This is the first discussion that I have read from you on this topic as I guess the other posts were before I started on this site.
First I have to say that I admire your strenght. Do you think you have a little extra that you can share with me? I too suffer from PTSD, but I have never looked at it like you do.
Second, how in the hell were you able to get your mind to relax enough to start meditation? I would love for someone to teach me how to relax my mind enough to let anything like that happen to me. I have tried many different things (meditation not being one) to relax enough to be able to think clearly, but with no avail. I can not let my guard down and in turn can not allow myself to relax. You can PM me if you have anything that you can suggest or leave it here if you are comfortable.
I am so proud of you for getting to the point that you are at. You truely are a fighter and you truely understand that the adult warrior will ALWAYS defend that inner-child that needes to be defended. Way to go. I am sure that it took you many years of therapy to get to that point. You should definately pat yourself on the back. If I were there, I would do it for you.:)
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| lecanis (7212) | 2 years ago | I would gladly share my strength with you if I knew a way offhand, LilMissB.
I'm not sure how I can help you on the meditation front. I started doing it when I was a really little kid, for spiritual reasons, under tutelage of my great-grandparents. It's so easy to learn things as a kid, and then they just become second nature. Have you tried just drinking a relaxing herbal tea? One of those "tension tamer" type blends perhaps. I've used those before when I'm too keyed up and on guard.
Thanks for all your kind words! | |
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| LilMissB (620) | 2 years ago | Were your grandparents there for you a lot when you were a kid? I will have to look into tutelage. I have often wondered if I could just be hypnotised in order to forget everything that happened to me, but I fear that I would not even be able to relax enough for that.
I will have to try the "tension tamer" herbal tea. Where can I get it at? What exactly do they call it? Is it the one with the chamomile in it? I tired that one and it did not do anything for me. I'm telling you I am definately high strung. | |
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| lecanis (7212) | 2 years ago | My great-grandparents were the first people to be kind to me... they couldn't always be there for me when I was young, but any time they could be, they were. They even tried to get custody of me at one time, but weren't allowed to have it both because of their age and because no one believed the abuse I was suffering at my grandmother's home, where I lived most. My great-grandparents were awesome though, and helped me out a lot, as well as giving me some spiritual teachings that I can't wait to pass on to my own child when he's a little older! I guess I'm lucky to have trained in meditation when I was so young, so it comes naturally to me now.
Hmm, if chamomile doesn't work for you, I wonder about the teas. The ones I like are usually blends of several calming herbs, so some of them might work for you, but I'm not sure. The one I have right now is actually called "Tension Tamer". I'm not sure of the brand, but we just bought it at the grocery.*shrugs*
In your case, it might be better to try working with someone who is used to teaching meditation techniques, as they might know some ways to relax I haven't thought of. I know where I live there are meditation classes, but I'm not sure how common those are. Have you tried yoga or anything like that before? | |
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| 7. uath13 (3772) | 2 years ago |  GREAT!... Now can I have my spear back? There's a bear that needs poking.
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| lecanis (7212) | 2 years ago | *laughs**hands over the spear*
Thanks for the help you gave me a while back, by the way. You're awesome.:) | |
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| uath13 (3772) | 2 years ago | If I helped at all I'm glad.
Now I think I spotted that bear a little ways back...
( Dons Magic Helmet )
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| lecanis (7212) | 2 years ago | You did help.:)
Haha, good luck with your bear-hunting!:P | |
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8.  MSV1313 (2243) | 2 years ago |  I am so happy for you and proud of you!
I have happy tears in my eyes, I am so moved by your post.
May you continue to heal and keep on conquering the things which trouble you.
You go girl!
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| lecanis (7212) | 2 years ago | Thank you so much! Yup, I don't plan to stop here... I know I have a lot of space to grow yet!:) | |
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| lecanis (7212) | 2 years ago | Thank you, Ravenladyj. You brat you.:P
You are an awesome woman too!:)
In my case, the choices of weapon here are very specific... as is the way my "warrior-self" dresses. Both of those things relate to the Morrigan for me, which adds power to the image I'm using. So that's why I made the choice I did when creating the image, though you have an interesting question. I like your way of thinking on it, that it's about having to really fight, not just blow it all away! | |
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| 10. SpitFire179 (1419) | 2 years ago |  hey hun, looks like you've done it.
what did your therapist think about it when you brought it up at therapy before putting it together completely?
that's a hard as hell thing to get by, and it looks as though you have taken the warrior rout to make that happen.
no person that you have grown to trust should ever betray that trust nor harm you in any way, but unfortunately in this world it happens again and again.
congrats to you hun, i'm very very proud of your accomplishments!
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| lecanis (7212) | 2 years ago | You know, I'm really not sure specifically what she said, just that my mind started thinking that way sometime during our session. She had mentioned that it was possible the outcome of the situation wouldn't have changed even if I had changed my actions, but it had been in passing as something else she was saying... so I'm not sure why my mind took hold of that thought and ran with it. I have an appointment today, so we'll have to look at it and see.
*nods* The warrior route is the only one that would work for me it seems. I still have a lot of things to work on, considering my history, but this has been one of the biggest stumbling blocks for me for years, and I feel great!:)
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