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My brochure that I wrote on a MSLT a type of sleep test.  email this discussion to a friend?

myLot reputation of 99/100. teapotmommommerced (5730)   ranked 207 out of 6,442 in making money 4 years ago

I would like my friends input on my newest brochure that I wrote on Narcolepsy. I wrote two versions. I will copy and past the second version because I think it flows better. I totally wrote this one on my own so I would like some help with the wording.

The Sleep Studies
In order for the doctor to gather all the information he needs to determine if you have a sleep disorder you will be staying at the sleep center for one night and until after 4 PM the next day. The first part of the night you will be having what is called a Polysomnogram (PSG) and the next day you will start the MSLT portion of the test.

What is a Polysomnogram (PSG)?
A PSG is the part of the sleep study where several sensors and electrodes are applied to your body and you sleep all night. If you have not gotten it ask for a brochure called: Your Night At One of Our Sleep Labs.

What is a Multiple Sleep Latency Test (MSLT)?
A MSLT is a sleep study that consists of a series of five twenty-minute nap periods that are taken two hours apart.

What is the doctor testing for?

Idiopathic hypersomnolence: In simple terms is an unexplained excessive daytime sleepiness even if you have gotten your regular 8 hours of sleep. Some people have this disorder and the doctors do not know why.

Narcolepsy:
Narcolepsy is a neurological disorder that affects 1 in 2000. Narcolepsy usually begins around the ages of 15 to 25 but it can become evident at any age.
Symptoms: Excessive daytime sleepiness (EDS) on a daily basis. The EDS stays with you no matter how much sleep you get and it can affect your day to day activities by clouding your judgment, lack of emergency and concentration, memory lapses, and with some people depression.
Cataplexy: Is a loss of muscle control with strong emotions for example laughing, crying or anger. The weakness can be as minor as slurred speech or a total body collapse depending upon which muscles are involved.
Hallucinations: Which are vivid dreams that feel real and can be frightening. They usually are visual but other senses can be involved.
Sleep Paralysis: Is the temporary inability to move or speak while falling asleep or waking up. Sleep Paralysis can last seconds or minutes and you recover on your own.

Why do I need to stay that long?
Your physician needs to make sure you do not have any other sleep disorder and to see how well you slept the night before.

Do I take my regular medications?
Take all your regular medications unless directed by your physician. If you have any questions about taking your medications please call your physician. Bring in your daily medications that you will need the day of your sleep study.

What do I do between the naps?
It is important to stay awake between your five naps. You are encouraged to bring a book or magazines to read. You can bring in knitting crocheting or handwork to keep you busy. If you have a lap top computer you are welcome bring it in. We do not have Wi-Fi, so you will not be able to use the Internet. You will be allowed to watch TV between naps. All electrical appliances need to be turned off during naps.

Your sleep studies
The following information is designed to answer any questions you may have if you have been scheduled for a Polysomnogram (PSG) and a Multiple Sleep Latency Test (MSLT) at on the California Sleep Centers. We hope it will make you feel more comfortable about the procedure and help you understand more about the tests. If after reading this you have any further questions please ask a member of our staff.

Preparing for your tests:
Please abstain from caffeine products (tea, coffee, chocolate and colas) from 10 AM the day of your sleep study. If you are sleepy during the day, get up and move around but do not take any naps. Please bring shorts, and lose fitting t-shirts to sleep in along with any other clothing needed for the following day. It is often a good idea to bring your own pillow so you will have a familiar comfort from your home. Please shower before your sleep study but do not apply body lotion or hair products afterwards. Men who are normally clean-shaven should shave as well.

Do I have to bring in my own food?
No the sleep center will provide breakfast and lunch for you on the day of your test. If you are on a special diet please notify the Sleep Center’s personnel ahead of time so they can be prepared. You will not be allowed any caffeine the day of your MSLT.

Do I have to have all the sensors on all day?
No. Some of the sensors will be taken off and are not needed for the MSLT.

What Sensors do I need to wear all day?

Measuring brain waves:
The sensors to measure you brain waves will be kept on the entire test. So we can tell if you are asleep and what stages of sleep you are in.

Measuring eye movement:
One or two sensors will be worn all day near your eyes to record eye movements in sleep. The sensors record eye movements during sleep to let the doctor know what stage of sleep you go in. This very important in diagnosing some sleep disorders.

Muscles tone:
The electrodes attached to your chin will stay in place all day to measure muscle tone. These electrodes are important in the diagnosis of different stages of sleep.

Measuring Heart rate:
The two electrodes from the PSG that measure your heat rate will remain in place. This allows the doctor to see if there are any changes in the heart rate
while you sleep.


It might not flow well because it is written in a tri-fold format. I hope you can understand it.

Have anyone of you ever written a brochure? Can anyone of you see any thing that I can improve on?
I will be submitting this next week.

 

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Hmmmmm (1682) response was accepted on 9/29/2008.
denotes best response, click it to go to the best response.
tags:  body lotion, brochure, brochure copy, brochure that i wrote, copywriting
 
1. myLot reputation of 93/100. Hmmmmm (1682)   4 years ago

I have so much to say, but I am hoping you will take everything I say in the way it is intended: as constructive criticism, and not criticizing you personally.

You opened this up as a public discussion, so you might get responses from people who aren't your friends (including me).

I am guessing all of your formatting was lost when you copied your work into the text box here, so I will ignore the fact that things (like the headings) don't line up the way they should; my guess is that they all look the way they should in your original document.

Your very first sentence ("In order for the doctor to gather...") is far too long and does not read well. Also, what if the doctor is female, or the male doctor is replaced with a female? Will they reprint the brochure? I would work to keep the brochure gender neutral.

In the PSG section, I always think that got/gotten sounds unprofessional. How about saying "received" instead? Also, you don't need a colon before the name of the other brochure. Simply bold the title and be done.

When you define Idiopathic hypersomnolence (and I believe the H should also be capitalized), you don't need to say "in simple terms" because that is the whole point of providing a definition. It's redundant. Remove those three words (plus the "is"), and it reads much butter. When you say "Some people have this disorder and the doctors do not know why..." I think you are venturing into territory that doesn't belong on this brochure. You are outlining and defining what the test results might conclude. You are NOT telling the patient which results are curable and which are not. I would be careful with including that statement, as you are not a doctor.

As far as the rest of the definitions you provide, you are consistently inconsistent. All of your terms and definitions should read the same way. They should be parallel. If you want to use the term in a sentence, then I would write it using this format (including the bold):

Test Result is a definition.

For example:

Narcolepsy is a neurological disorder that affects...

If you want to use a colon, then I would write it like this:

Test Result: definition.

Using the same example:

Narcolepsy: A neurological disorder that affects...

The answer you provided to the question "Why do I need to stay that long?" doesn't really answer the question. Were you asked to include this question, or did you include it on your own? How much of this is covered in the other brochure you referenced above?

When you asked the question "Do I take my regular medications?" you never said YES. Say yes! Start by answering the question, and THEN explain. People will get lost looking for a YES or NO (because you did ask a yes or no question, didn't you?).

In the between naps section, you provided a lot of great information and you did it succinctly. The only thing I would change is to add the appropriate commas to the sentence about knitting (or just say needlework or other handwork and be done).

The "Your sleep studies" section has a few extra words that can be removed, which I have bolded below:

The following information is designed to answer any questions you may have if you have been scheduled for a Polysomnogram (PSG) and a Multiple Sleep Latency Test (MSLT) at on the California Sleep Centers. We hope it will make you feel more comfortable about the procedure and help you understand more about the tests. If after reading this you have any further questions please ask a member of our staff.

In the "Preparing for your tests" section, the word is loose, not lose. Probably just a typo, but one spell check won't catch.

In the bringing of the food section, nice job answering the question in the first word of the response. However, I would still make "No" a sentence of its own. As far as the special diet, is "be prepared" really what you mean? That almost makes it sound like they will be prepared to be told, rather than the possibility that they will accommodate the requests. I would say that instead. Like this:

If you are on a special diet, please notify the Sleep Center’s personnel in advance so they can do their best to accommodate your needs.

I added "do their best" because I can't imagine they can accommodate absolutely everyone. If I am wrong, then change it. I changed "ahead of time" to "in advance" because I wanted to. happy

There is much more to be done, but this is a start.

To answer your last question:

Yes, I have written a brochure before. I didn't do it for free, either. happy


myLot reputation of 99/100. teapotmommommerced (5730)   ranked 207 out of 6,442 in making money  4 years ago

Wow!
this is the sort of feed back I was looking for. Thank you I am a nurse and sleep tech and not a writer by trade. I fell into this job by accident. I surely appreciate all your help. The last brochure I wrote, I really did not write it, I just tweaked it and changed some of the words. This is the first brochure I have written on my own.
I will surely take you help and make the changes that are needed. I am glad to have the help and have not taken offense to anything you have said.
I am guessing you have written brochures before, or you have done some professional writing before.
Thanks for your assistance.


myLot reputation of 99/100. teapotmommommerced (5730)   ranked 207 out of 6,442 in making money  4 years ago

After reading your comments again I am so upset with myself I did not realize I did so poorly. I guess I bit off more than I can chew and I need to think hard if I am the right person for this job.
I do have some questions if you can help me. I realize you do this for a living. I cannot pay you if you do not want to help it is OK.


myLot reputation of 93/100. Hmmmmm (1682)  4 years ago

I see no reason for you to be upset with yourself. Your first project was approved, so there is no reason why this one won't be as well. It sounds like they were impressed enough with you to assign you yet another project on top of this, so you shouldn't beat yourself up.

You may ask me your questions. I actually don't do this (specifically) for a living, and I am not asking you for compensation. I will do what I can to help you, just as I did earlier. However, I do think this has gone beyond the point of this being a valid discussion and if you'd like to move this to PM Land, that's fine with me.

I thought of one more thing that may help you tie this whole thing together a bit more.

Consider your audience. These are tired, weary people who would rather go to sleep (and sleep WELL) than do much else. After all, you have to ask them not to nap before coming to the sleep center, right?

Then consider the fact that MOST people don't read beyond the first three lines OF ANYTHING. It doesn't matter what it is. If you don't get the facts out in the first three lines, then they aren't going to absorb anything at all. Also, keep in mind that the first three lines of a tri-fold brochure are much shorter than the first three lines of a word document (or a myLot discussion happy).

Now, combine those two facts. You will end up with a much better brochure.


myLot reputation of 99/100. teapotmommommerced (5730)   ranked 207 out of 6,442 in making money  4 years ago

Thank you very much. I did not realize about the first three lines. I will tell you when it comes to a discussion if it gets to long here on mylot I tend not to read it unless it is really funny or very interesting.


myLot reputation of 93/100. Hmmmmm (1682)  4 years ago

Best response? For me? I am so flattered! rasp


myLot reputation of 99/100. teapotmommommerced (5730)   ranked 207 out of 6,442 in making money  4 years ago

Your welcome you helped me a lot. I do not know if the doctor will use it yet. He has not had time to look at it yet. I think that office manager does not show it to him yet.


myLot reputation of 92/100. beautyqueen26 (34377)   ranked 1,741 out of 6,442 in making money  4 years ago

Here is a resource that I use almost daily
to check my spelling.

http://www.spellcheck.net/

You just enter your entire text online and it highlights
the words that are misspelled, including technical words
and suggests an alternative.

Always makes me look smart when I use it!

Best of luck with your brochure. Sounds really good.
Informative!


myLot reputation of 99/100. teapotmommommerced (5730)   ranked 207 out of 6,442 in making money  4 years ago

Beautyqueen I had not heard of that site I will use it next time. Thanks

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2. myLot reputation of 95/100. gabs8513 (23375)   ranked 733 out of 6,442 in making money   4 years ago

From what I have read here I think you have certainly covered it all and it is really good how you wrote it to


myLot reputation of 99/100. teapotmommommerced (5730)   ranked 207 out of 6,442 in making money  4 years ago

Thanks Gabby. I do need to make changes and will be making them and turning them in next Monday.

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