being home does not feel like what it supposed to be

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i do not know how many times this situation passes on one man's life but it is about to happen to me. some of mylotters know a bit of my status and how it made an influence to most of my discussions. i was 17 years old when i first left philippines to study at sydney. i was ALONE. i dont know anybody, neither any clear plans ahead of what is going to happen being thousands of miles away from family, completely be with strangers and work hard to live. most probably you can imagine now how lonely and difficult my teenage young life was. it has been a year already, and i would most likely describe my self successful for passing trough that year still breathing, harmless, and absolutely sane. until the moment of coming home i "was" excited to arrive became a nightmare. a month from now, ill be having a vacation at my home country. ill be spending two months living like the way i used to live or better. but as time comes near, the reason to become excited begin to disappear slowly; realizing that i would lose my freedom even for a short time could possibly ruin an eternity of happiness. knowing that i have so much things on my life i kept away from the knowledge my family, from people who taught knows me no better than anyone and from those who i protect against pain and disappointments. it feels like there is so much things to worry, very different from what coming home supposed to be - relax, carefree and relief. there might be holes on my post, i would not expect for good comments and reply i just need someone to talk to, someone to say i came to this point of.... sort of... hopelessness... or rather confusion if i truly do have home of my own. at this point i realize the important role of strangers... they do not worry of you, they never did that they would actually care only for themselves and never restict you from trying to harm your self a little, learning to recognize what is pain, being someone you never plan to be but just what reality had made you, and most important does not hinder you from making your own decisions even beyond what culture and traditions have bounded you to do.