advice on my dad

NOBODY knows how you feel about your dad. NOBODY knows how good or bad your relation with him was.

NOBODY has the right to tell you what to think about it, or to make you stop thinking about him.
I'm quite sure he would be happy if he knew you are one of the only still trying to remember him and honor him. The only thing you can do for someone who's dead, is giving respect. You need to be able to give respect to someone you can't see anymore. If you are able to (i'm sure you are) you show how honest you are to other people and how reliable you are!

It's very hard for daughters to lose their dads same for boys losing their moms.


Take the time you need and it's ok if you keep crying for him until you die yourself. That's the sweetest thing you can do for your dad now.

Everybody and I mean everybody grieves in their own way. If your grief is causing you any harm or emotional problems in the long run then I would suggest counseling. Other than that its just the way you handle it and however you handle your fathers passing is based on you and how you felt about him. Nobody has the right to tell you to get over it. I would have popped someone if they had told me to "get over it" when my Uncle died. I never really had a father so I can't even comprehend where your coming from but I do have someone dear to me that is just like a father and I know if he died it would tear me apart. So my advice to you is if you think that your grief is causing you harm then I say go see a counselor. If it isn't then handle it however you can. If there comes a day when you move on past it then power to you but that itself is very difficult. So forget what your mom says and what your friends say and just do what is right for you.

I do understand you. Even if your dad died 6 years ago, it's really not that easy to move on. Most especially since he is your dad and there's nobody else closest to you than your parents. Your mom might still be crying when she's all alone but she's just trying to be strong. Maybe she just want to project an image that she's handling it well and that you should be also. It's really hard to lose a family member so i can't blame you if you have not moved on yet. Not now maybe but in the near future. Just be strong.

Hi kerri1981! I understand the feeling of loss when a beloved person in life passed away. I myself have lost a brother through suicide and it was really hard. all the whys and what if's have been asked but I still find no answer to it. I guess the people around you just want you to move on and wants to see you happy. It doesn't mean they want you to forget your dad. To move on I guess would mean to treasure the people around you who are still alive. That's the most important thing in the world. To love them and to treasure them as well the same way that you do with your dad. So that when they too would leave you will say to yourself that you have shown them the love that you feel for them while they're still here. I'm sure many have told you that moving on is what your dad would like you to do. I would also advise you to do the same. I'm sure he'll be more peaceful if you let him go in your heart.

Treasuring his memories is the best thing you can do. Grievng while we still can is a good thing to do. And when you're done grieving, let life develop again and blossom. It's hard I know and it's ok to cry. But remember that after crying you have to face life again without him in person but knowing he's in your heart. Have a nice day!

Everyone mourns differently and in ther own time. you dont have to forget him. Infact you should not forget him but you need to remember the happy times and smile and know that he would want you to be happy and live....Think of him looking down and watching you and your new family and how pleased he is to see the young woman, wife and mother you became....He is proud of you so think of him and smile with all the happy memmories of 21 years worth...never forget the love, keep him in your heart and smile often!

My mom died in April, 2001, after an extended illness. It was hard at first, but I eventually realized that she is in a better place, and that she was not hurting anymore. I realized that it would be selfish of me to want her back here to deal with pain, sickness, cold, hunger, and everything else that comes along with being alive on this earth. She is in heaven now, where she isn't affected by any of the problems we face here every day. She doesn't have to worry about earning a living from day to day.

I hate to say it, and I don't really know how else to do it than to just come right out and say it...but your mom is right. You are going to have to come to terms with the fact that your dad has passed on from this life. You have to realize that he is gone, and you have to stop wallowing in self-pity. Six years is a long time to still be going all to pieces on the day he died, or on his birthday, or Father's Day. You don't have to stop loving him, and you will never stop missing him (I miss my mom and I think about her every day), but you have to move on. Nothing you can do, or no amount of crying is going to bring my mom back, and it will not bring your dad back either. So, I hate to sound harsh, but I have to side with your mom on this one...You need to get over it, stop feeling sorry for yourself, and get on with your life...

that is really sad i feel sorry for you if that person was me and i luved my dad as
much as you did i would do whats best cry until you die thats showing careness.but i think you
should move on and carry on with your life ino your always going to thin about him but you
should try to get your mind of it sometimes and care of your mom you dont want to lose her to
wish you best of luck and always keep yuor special dad in your heart bye!

no one has the right to tell you how to feel, getting over someone you love dying can take a long time, but at the end of the day, it takes as long as it takes. you are entitled to miss him, you loved him.

7 Stages of Grief...

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

7 Stages of Grief...

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

7 stages of grief...

You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.

And as you would have noticed..I did not put the amount of years all this takes in there as it differs from person to person..Take your time and go through each stage as you must..

You're 27 and you lost your Dad 6 years ago. That would have been when you were 20 or 21. That's young. You were only begining to enjoy an adult relationship with him. There were so many things yet not done. I do understand.

Memorial Day weekend it will be 10 years since my Dad died. I was 37, my youngest son was only 10 then and now...he has a daughter. I get to share my joy in being a grandmother with my mother and see her joy of knowing her great grandkids. But I can't see that and not miss sharing it with my father too. He would have adored them. He would have loved putting them on his bed and letting them jump on it to "knock the dust out" for him before he went to sleep.

It sounds to me like your mother has difficulty seeing you in such pain. But then good mothers hate to see their children in pain.

What I think both of you need to understand is that when someone close to you dies it leaves a hole in your heart that can't be filled with anything or anyone else. It creates problems when we try to.

In my family we use those special days to honor him. On his birthday we eat his favorite cake. White with raspberry filling and coconut frosting. On the anniversary of his death every year without fail my Mom, my sister and I go out to eat. He didn't have a favorite restaurant but he had a favorite Mexican restaurant, a favorite Italian restaurant, a favorite Chinese restaurant, a favorite buffet, a favorite seafood restaurant. We pick whichever one of those we're in the mood for, have a great meal and reminisce over the good times and happy memories we had with him. Sometimes a tear or two escapes and sometimes not. The point is we didn't try to bury our memories and our love of him with him. We cherish them instead.

If you could help your Mom understand that's what you need you could create your own traditions to honor him at those times without any "should's or shouldn'ts about what you feel and I think that you'll find it helps. You'll cry less and enjoy his memory more.

I would suggest that you put what you need in writing to your Mom. Give her some space to think about it instead of automatically responding with her protective intincts of you to tell you again to just get over it.

If your Mom for whatever reason just doesn't get it. Then do the things you need to do to honor him yourself. Do them with friends, do them by yourself but be deliberate about remembering the good and the wonderful, and not just the pain.