When  

Hi My Friend. Wow, I wonder how many people feel just like this. I know I do for the Last year and 2 weeks. Pretty much every day and before that the fear knowing what was coming just not when it was going to come for sure until the day the sheriff knocks at your door andf you can no longer sleep in your own bed but you can come into the house to pack every day until it's done. Everything I knew came to an abrupt hault. Nothing would ever be the same. I spent 7 weeeks in total hell packing 29 years of my life into boxes and into storage, by my s4lf. Screaming in my living room "I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE IT" I lost time at my business which was failing because of the economy. I nearly ended up in the hosital and my feet were numb because the 2 missing disks in my back pinched a nerve. I lifted 3 or 4 times the weight I am supposed to lift. I paid for help to get the big things out and into the truck because I couldn't do it. I watched every time I left the neighborhood from where I was staying while they killed everything I had planted for those 29 years. I had made a sanctuary and was going to be certified when this all hapened. I held out for the 11th hour reprieve that never came. I styed with my friend while I did all that paching, did my own bankruptcy and got my SSI and Social Security. Then I had to go and with no place to go except in with Mom in Arizona this 9s where I have been for almost 4 months. No one has ever made me less welcomed than she has. My depression deepens and there seems like no way out. i can't even buy vegies and fresh fruit because I can't put them in her frig. I am a vegetarian.....Everything you wrote I have felt deeply. I do not feel like there is a place in this world for me my cats and my dog to go. I need so many of my things out of storge. I never thought this would go on this long. I had to change my address to here in Az. and in doing that lost alot of the SSI payment. it seems California pute in $233.00 and Az.puts in nothing. Less money and I can't find anything at the higher rate. What to do about utilities and food phone and internet. Trying to establish something with some of my work. To bring in a little money to survive. My guess is there are alot of people feeling like this for a variety of reasons. I do not know what to say except----right there with ya!!!!!

When you stop jumping in puddles it all over Stormy.

The thing we should remember is that we have ultimate control over what we think, how we act and what we do and don't allow ourselves to be influenced and controlled by. We've all become slaves to negativity in our lives, but we CAN change it! As difficult as it may be at times, if we allow ourselves to fall into negative cycles and behaviours, they become routine. The longer these routines continue, the faster they start to be considered as normal and our "lot" in life. This just isn't acceptable and we MUST break free from circles such as these. We have the ability to directly influence everything around us from our physical environment to our internal thoughts. We either choose change, or we choose to accept all for what it is and suffer the consequences. It's never all over until such time as God decides that our time in this life is done, until this moment arrives, we owe it to ourselves to strive for the best for ourselves on every level possible. It's cliche, but every day is the first day of the rest of our life!

I feel that way alot sometimes. Like I am screaming for help but no one hears me..and that I am crying but no one ever seems the tears..like they are death and blind to and can't see what is going on right in front of them..When does it end? Probably not till we breathe our last breath like we are teetering on the edge of a black void of nothingness and we can fall either way any second..

aaah... the deepest thinker on the block!! And the words all screaming with a passion well understood and from a heart greater than oceans.

My dearest friend.. I so know about this sea of engulfing raging waves..

and I turn to another great writer that lives in my head for many many years.. my mentor for a time that was tough.. and my head is trained to clear now, my back straightens and the internal tears dry.

Meet another hero of mine ,Rudyard Kipling

IF

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

You certainly must connect to masses when you write as you do because it is all soo real and 'felt' as you write it.
Yes, you are indeed a very talented write and passionate soul. Thank You, once again, for sharing yourself with us.. with ME.

hugs, my dear-- leif

Dang my Little Stormy that sure is deep. That is some good writting but my heart has an upside down smile right now to hear someone is tha depressed. I hope you really do not feel that way. Peaceout and blessings.

How sad! I truly hope your words are not your own feelings and experiences. I am truly blessed to have never, even during the worst of my life experiences, felt such a terrible hopelessness such as your words describe. No matter what I have always had hope and looked forward to better times and put the sadness behind me. I guess I am the eternal optimist which I am happy to say has always worked for me.

It is very true. Ia m feeling in life like this.I think many doors are closed. Rather all doors I am knocking. it is very hard to go forward now. do not know what to do.

What are you doing inside my head today Stormy? I responded to another of your discussions today that depicted my feelings precisely and now you have done it again. I too feel the hopelessness and I don't know if it will ever end.

Years ago I used to hold onto the hope that one day everything would be OK and there would be no more pain, now I'm not so sure because it sure as heck doesn't seem to stop; sometimes I wish for the bus to stop so I can get off.

How many times have I tried not to care but as you say the heart will not allow it.
How I would like to be heard; my parents never listened, they criticized and never once asked me how I feel or that they love me; I have been on this earth for well over four decades and I have not heard 'I love you' from either of them. My parents always look at my sister and me with a certain distaste, we are not up to scratch and never will be and that has defined us.

Do you ever feel like you somehow stepped into the wrong life? Do you wonder how you got here? I want to take the good bits and move on but I don’t know where to.

Do you wonder where your soft place to fall is? I do, lately all the time and I am with you and your sentiments.

"When today is yesterday... only with a different name." You are a beautiful writer.
Thank You Stormy for the space to share.

When good things that really matter start happening and then suddenly the sun seems to be shining brightly
When one realizes that that the pain the sorrow was all as if in a bad dream
And suddenly smiles and laughter are back again

My friend, all good things must end, but so must the bad - the sorrowful and the unpleasant.

All the best to you!