It happened again. I don't know how I feel. I don't WANT to feel.

I went to the ER on the 18th. I had been spotting off and on a couple of days, but actually started to bleed lightly, so I was concerned. Because of a glitch in insurance, even though I am high risk and I was 9 weeks and 6 days pregnant, I hadn't seen an OB yet. The ER did a bunch of junk to me (blood tests, urine, etc) and then they did an ultrasound. There was a sack, but no heartbeat. My baby was gone. I wanted to scream. Cry. Throw things. Because I had already headed the doctor off with my feelings before hand, she had given me Adivan and some other meds via IV, so mostly I was numb. I did finally break down yesterday and it actually felt kind of good. It was cut short, however, since our youngest wanted me and he doesn't understand why mommy is upset.

I followed up with an OB on Thursday the 21, as directed. Once again, there was no heartbeat. I had taken a valium before I went, knowing the news wouldn't be good. I had some family say, maybe it was a mistake. This was my 4th miscarriage. I knew better than to hang hope on that. Within 30 minutes I was in the hospital having a D&C. My body refuses to "take care of" the baby on it's own. It doesn't want to give the baby up.

We are treated one of two ways. People either don't want to look or talk to me, like I'm made of glass and they're afraid they'll say the wrong thing and hurt me. Or they ask if we want to try again. I honestly don't know. Do I want another baby? Yes, with all of my heart. My children are my life and we really wanted three. We were blessed with our two boys. Are we being greedy in wanting another? Can I emotionally handle the pain of another loss, if we're able to get pregnant again? Infertility has been a double edged sword for us. It's really hard to get pregnant and when we finally do, the chance of actually carrying the baby has been getting harder and harder. I'll be 37 in Sept. Time is not my friend.

I don't know. I see people will infants and I want to curl up and cry. Family thinks I am "okay". My husband knows different, but he's letting me work thru this the best I can. He's there when I need him but isn't hanging on me or forcing decisions on me. He did say that he'd like to try again soon if we decide we want another just because of our ages. He doesn't want to be 50 and chasing around a 1 year old. Some people are up for that, but we aren't.

Anyway, thanks for reading and any advice would be helpful.