Joke of the day December 7th, 2006  

Hey that was really good. I too have something like that. I mean i will have to search in my collection. but surely i will post it. Anywayz that was really good. The lawyer will keep on thinking forever.

What a long write to read as a joke.
I am working for the suppport of literature.
"Oh, what are you doing?"
"Making bookcases"

I really enjoyed that although I have heard it before! Thank you!

hahahahaha I like it I am blonde and I think ths is great lol

a man is in the office and dialing the number of his house to talk to his wife.....call is connected..
Man: "hello..?"
A girl: "Hello...who is this?"
Man: "who are you?i was suuposed to talk to my wife where is she?"
Girl: "the lady of this house has hired me as maid.so, i'm a maid of this house.."
Man: "ok ok..where is my wife?"
Girl: "she is upstairs with some guy.."
Man: (thinking ...that her wife has bad character and she has deceived him.becoming angry..) "can you do something for me?i'll give you 1000 dollars for this"
Girl: "yeah sure"
Man: "kill both of them soon"

Girl: (girl somes after 10 minutes and holds the receiver of phone again) "i have killed both of them what should i do with their dead bidies..?"
Man: "throw their dead bodies into the swimming pool"
Girl: "swimming pool?"
Man: "yes swimming pool..you are sooo lazy hurry up!"
Girl: " but we don't have any swimming pool in our house.."
Man: (confused..) "aaaa...is this no. not 542590?"
Girl: no..
Man: "SORRY WRONG NO.!" and the telephone call is disconnected...

It was Kelly and Patrick giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day.

After a wee bit, Kelly who was sitt'n behind Patrick on the bike began to holler ..."Patrick ... Patrick ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!"

"Well, Kelly my lad," said Patrick, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you."

So Kelly took Patrick's advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again.

After a bit, Patrick turned to talk to Kelly and was horrified to see that he was not there. Patrick immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route.

When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Kelly who was sitting on the ground. "T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Patrick hailed to the farmers.

"Well," said one of the farmers, "he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!"

That's a good one. Watch out for smart blondes.

Toilet Jokes
Here I lie in stinky vapor,
Because some bstard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.
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Here I sit
What a caper
I have to sht
But I'm out of paper
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here I sit
Broken hearted
Tried to sht
But only farted
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You're lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fart,
And sht my pants!
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I came here
To sht and stink,
But all I do
Is sit and think.
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Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to sht and stink,
But I come here to scratch my balls,
And read the bullsht on the walls...
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(written high upon the wall)
If you can p*ss above this line, the Hillsboro Fire Department want's you.
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(written high upon the wall above a urinal)
Don't look up here, the joke's in your hand.
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Sign posted in a bathroom:
We aim to please!
You aim too! Please!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seen above a urinal:
Please do not throw cigarette butts in our urinal. We don't p*ss in your ashtrays!
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Scratched into the paint of the condom-dispensing machine were these words:
"Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber."
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On the inside of a toilet door:
Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the entire performance.
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"$1.49 - All You Can Eat" (with an arrow pointing down into the toilet)
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A sign I saw at a swimming pool once:
We don't swim in your toilet, so please don't pee in our pool!
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Another sign seen at a swimming pool:
Welcome to our ool.
Notice there's no P in it.
Please keep it that way.
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My mother made me a whre.
(to which someone else added)
If I give her the yarn, will she make me one too?
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Under a sign that said "Employees Must Wash Hands," someone scribbled:
I waited and waited, but I finally washed them myself.
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In the men's room at a Burger King restaurant:
It takes the human body about 24 hours to turn good food into sht. It only takes Burger King 10 minutes.
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Sign seen at a restaurant:
The hands that clean these toilets also make your food...please aim properly.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here I sit, I'm at a loss
trying to sht out taco sauce.
When it comes, I hope and pray,
I don't blow my as away.
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Here's one seen above a urinal:
look up
look up
[even higher on the wall]
keep looking up
[on the ceiling]
Quick! Look down! You're pissing on your shoes!
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One of the funniest I've seen was also the simplest:
Fart loud if you love Jesus!
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While your sitting on the toilet you see written on the stall door:
Congratulations! You've won one free game of Toilet Tennis!
Look Left.
You look left and it reads:
Look Right
You look right and it reads:
Look Left...
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Everybody psses on the floor. Be a hero and sht on the ceiling.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(written above a urinal)
Why are you looking up here?
Are you ashamed of it?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some people come here to take a sht, I come here to leave one.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't look now!
You're pissing on your neighbors foot!

related resource: pool balls

Types of computer viruses
Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.
Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.
Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.
Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.
Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee..
David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.
Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.
Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).
George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.
Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.
Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.
New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Nike virus: Just Does It!Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.
Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.
Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.
Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.
Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".
Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.
Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.
Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.
Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.
Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.

Cat on the 'roof'
There was once an American man who took a long vacation to Europe, leaving his cat at home with a friend. About a month into the trip, he got a call from his friend telling him that his cat had died.

"WHAT?!?!" asked the vacationing man, shocked to hear the news. "I loved that cat! You can't just call me and tell me that it died! You have to ease me into it. First maybe call and tell me that the cat's on the roof. Then call again and tell me that the cat fell, but you're doing everything you can to save it, and then tell me that the cat has died."

The American agreed and the vacationer went on with his trip. About a month later, the vacationing man got another call from the American, saying simply, "Your mother's on the roof."