|  (yes, i will dwell on this FOREVER!)
I don't remember how this all started, but it was the night we were bored and someone asked cake or pie, and that was the day my life changed forever...
you see, i never really, REALLY thought about it. i mean, i was dead set on fudgy brownies over fluffy ones; i'd known that for a while. but cake? and pie?
hmmm, i had to act fast. i chose pie.
since then, i've had to defend my position against the snobby cake eaters of the world (i'm not saying i don't eat cake, i just don't like it) and i'm not sure what the score is as far as my personal poll goes, but my movement has met quite a bit of opposition.
who doesn't like pie? i don't understand this. i'm going to start with the reasons by which i formed my disdain for cake.
1) cake is boring. people have to decorate them to make them all pretty and interesting.
2) cake is not tasty. the only thing that could redeem a bite of cake is frosting.
3) cake is a glorified bread.*
*see poundcake
4) frosting is gross. it's seductively colored then smeared and squirted (if that sounds appetizing to you, maybe you should just stick to the cake, cake eater ala clueless). this just supports that you almost have to be distracted, nay, tricked into ingesting such a culinary abomination.
5) um, i don't like the band either.
6) it's too spongey. no texture, no soul. where is the substance? oh, there's more frosting in the middle here.
7) it's a large sandwich in disguise.
8) the term "fruitcake."9) cheesecake is NOT, NOT, NOT a cake. i feel strongly about this. we will be revisiting this thought later....
10) it's always the same crap. different shapes, various color schemes and sometimes some chocolate to breathe a little life into it.
11) nobody gives a fiddler's fu*k about a cake cooling on a window sill.
12) the only time cake is good is before it's baked. yes, against the advice of my mother, i eat cake batter.
13) patty-cake is for babies, and babies don't know any better.
14) eating cake without milk is like crapping without toilet paper. you're left feeling so dirty and wrong inside.
15) .....fu*k cake!
~at this point, if there's any doubt in your mind as to which dessert is superior (no, we're leaving ice cream, cookies and custards out of this), continue on to the reasons why pie is AWESOME!
1) pie is delicious.
2) pie can be served a la mode (i know i said i was leaving ice cream out of this, but i make the rules here)
3) pie is better for you.
4) cheesecake is a pie. an unfortunate misnomer, cheesecake was my dealbreaker. it's so good! and for you uppity basta*ds who will attempt to refute me on this one, let me spell it out for you.
cake= spongy, bready substance comprising the majority of it's volume, enveloped by a thin layer of icing. inside bread, outside frosting.
pie= a somewhat congealed center of various delicious fillings held within a shell, commonly referred to as the crust. inside filling, outside bread.
it is true; cheesecake can be free standing, but it is neither spongy, nor bready. you could fill a pie with cake batter inside (the very thought is blasphemous), but you'd be left with a cake in a shell. like two men in a horse costume, you're not fooling anyone. my main argument here is that, if left out, a cheesecake will slowly lose its firmness and become nothing more than a custard. pies have been known to contain custard, therefore, cheesecake is a pie. so there.
do i even need to go on? oh, what the hell
5) pizza
6) meat pies: chicken pot pie, shepherd's pie-- you can't put meat in a cake! you just can't!
7) pies are sexy (ask jason biggs)
8) quiche is also a pie.
9) pies are classier. you have to eat a pie with a fork/spoon (i say fork, but that'll be another topic) so all you cake eating hillbillies will have to suck it up and learn some table manners!
10) cake is for the commoner, but PIE is for important people. (see below)
You're one year older! One year wiser! Rock and roll star, king, czar, and a kaiser! A roomful of friends! A mouthful of cake! Every present is for you, And it feels pretty great! You're the man of the hour, The V.I.P. You get the first slice, Of the P-I-E, But first blow out the candles, And make a wish, Put a smile on, 'Cause it's your birthday, bit*h!
11) you never see adult pies. no baker would dare defile a pie in such a manner.
12) all components of a pie are delicious independent of each other (filling, crust, crumbly topping if applicable) and when experienced simultaneously, culminate in what is scientifically referred to as a "mouth-gasm."13) jim gaffigan, your observation was counterproductive. i don't want a hot chick inside my pie, thank you very much.
14) pumpkin pie.
15) after you're done eating a pie, you can throw the pie tin around like a frisbee.
16) americans prefer pie.** so put down the box of betty crocker, you unpatriotic SOB.
**see apple pie
17) i hear you'll get pie in the sky when you die. god doesn't waste time with that mamby-pamby cake crap.
18) the three lettered "pie" appeals to the laziness in me. "caaaaaaaaaaaaaake" takes for damn ever to write.
19) PIE is a derivative of the Maori word PAI, meaning "good"20) no one is trying to have a finger in every cake
21) mathematicians thought pie was pretty damned important
22) "pie-eyed" means to be intoxicated. you gotta love that.
23) cutie-pie and sweetie-pie are terms of endearment.
24) throwing a pie at someone is much more rewarding than throwing a cake. pie= your target is covered in delicious goo. cake= not much damage. you might as well throw a slice of bread. (take that! aww...)
25) pie has it's own chart. where you at, cake?
26) pie is more versatile. you can have a pie for breakfast, pie for lunch, pie for dinner, and a pie for dessert.
27) a pie appeals to the sense of taste, a cake tries to hard to remain attractive aesthetically. (cake is the bimbo of all dessert-dom)
28) a warmed slice of pie retains its dignity.
29) pie pie pie pie pie pie pie pie. cake cake cake ache ache ache ache kkk.
alright, i'm really reaching now. but i think i've made my point. i need to go sleep now.
Related Resource: chocolate milk
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