 Mitch Hedberg was my favorite comedian. ((he is no longer 'with us'))
Here are some of his jokes I found (cleaned up version)
They are much funnier coming from him though.
Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"
My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.
I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.
If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.
A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.
I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."
I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.
I can read minds, but I'm illiterate.
I got a belt on that's holding up my pants, and the pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What's going on here? Who is the real hero?
I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.
I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.
I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me."
I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."
I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.
I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.
I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. She asked me, "How would you like your eggs?" I thought I would answer her anyway and said, "Incubated! And then raised, plucked, beheaded, cut up, put onto a grill, and then put onto a bun. Damn! I don't have that much time! Scrambled!"
I lived in an apartment, and I had a neighbor. I knew that whenever he knocked on the wall, he wanted me to turn my music down. I'd mess with his head. I'd say, "Go around. I cannot open the wall!"
I'm always on the road, and I drive rental cars. Sometimes I don't know what's going on with the car, and I'll drive for ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. What kind of emergency is this? I need to not stop now. It's not really an emergency brake, it's an emergency make-the-car-smell-funny lever.
You know you can't please all the people all the time, and last night, all of those people were at my show.
If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"
When you're in Hollywood and you're a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things. All right, you're a stand-up comedian, can you write us a script? That's not fair. That's like if I worked hard to become a cook, and I'm a really good cook, they'd say, "OK, you're a cook. Can you farm?"
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just gonna ask where they're going and hook up with them later.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I bought a cake.
I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done, who knows?
I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say "I'm hungry", and so it died.
I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Come on, man, they're crackers, that's why I got them. I like crackers! I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates!
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there - "Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar, and win a prize". Aw, come on, man, let just me have some. I'll tell you what, guess how many jellybeans I want! If you guessed a handful, you are right.
One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
My sister Wendy has a husband and two children, and they have a family photo on top of the VCR, where they're all looking slightly to the left. As though something is going on over there! I guess something happened over to the left that made everybody happy! Except my sister is cross-eyed, so she can't quite pull it off. One eye is right-on.
When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It's like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.
I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, you start to get mad at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Somebody just needs to tell the turkeys, "Man, just be yourselves!" I already like you, little fella. I used to draw you. If you had a couple of fingers missing, you would draw a really messed-up turkey. That turkey was in an accident!
When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.
Imagine if an bow and arrow killed you. That would suck. An arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way."
Pizza Hut will accept other pizzeria's coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. Mitch's Pizza - this weeks' coupon: free unlimited pizza! Special note: coupon not valid at any of Mitch's Pizza locations. "Free pizza oven with purchase of a small coke."
I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.
Whenever I walk somewhere, and someone hands me a flyer, it's like they're telling me, "Here, you go throw this away."
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together and then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes all at once.
I can't floss my teeth. People tell me how hard it is to stop smoking; I think it's about as hard as it is to start flossing.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK.
I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.
A lot of bands have intense names, like "Rigor Mortis" or "Mortuary". We weren't that intense, we called ourselves "Injured". Later on we changed it to "Acapella" when we were walking out of the pawn shop.
I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, "What kind of cigars do you like?" I answered, "It's a Boys."
I hate dreaming. Because when you sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is work, you know - there I am in a comfortable bed, the next thing you know I have to build a go-kart with my ex-landlord. I want a dream of me watching myself sleep.
I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, "Move!" I thought that was rude, so I said, "Go to hell!" Then I started to run. He caught up to me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, sunglasses, a ponytail and he was wearing a hat. He said, "Hey, you got a lot of nerve!" I said, "Hey, you got a lot of... cranium accessories!"
I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide."
When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light. And I would hear things that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying "We don't have to fix anything."
When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!"
I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because when I tried to walk out, I had to slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zip it up real quick?
Is a hippopotamus just a really cool opotamus?
I went to England to tell jokes, and I wanted to tell my Smokey the Bear joke, but I had to ask the English people if they knew who Smokey the Bear is. But they don't. In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest-fire-prevention representative. They have Smackie the Frog. It's a lot like a bear, but it's a frog. And that's a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me and I thought, "Man, I better play dead!"
The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. "Sir, you forgot this." "No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it."
I wear V-neck shirts. I can't wear a regular neck shirt, it hur
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