Losing your own Identity to your children

I had my first child (a daughter) when I was 19, then my second son at 22 and my second son when I was 31. So, I've been a parent for over 22 years, and I have to agree, my life has been my children. I have helped with school work, do so much laundry and dishes that I think my fingers are permanently water logged. I've been the cook, the maid, a taxi driver (sometimes, I felt like a bus driver when taking a van full of band kids home), and an alarm clock. I do realize that I have done enough for me over the years, I even feel guilty spending money on myself (which really makes my husband mad), but I have to make sure my children get what they need, right? My daughter (now 22) has tried to get me out of my mom rut, but it's not that easy. I've heard that mother's, especially stay at home mom's loose their identity and their self esteem, and I feel that way a lot. However I wouldn't change my life (as I'm sure most mom's feel that way). I appreciate your post, more of us need to realize that we aren't just mom's and wives (some of us)but that we are people too, and we need to take care ourselves like we take care of the others in our lives. I would also like to say to any women here that are not mom's, that I respect their decision too. It's no one's place to criticize these women for not having children. At the same time, they shouldn't criticize us either (not all, but some do). My sister is 43 and has no children, she is a special education teacher of severely disabled children, so she made the decision not to have children of her own, because after a full day with her students she wouldn't have anything left to give if she had her own. I respect her for making that choice, I don't see it as selfish, if someone decides not to have children that's her right. I wanted to add that last line, because I think these women need to know that they are appreciated and not looked down upon by every one. I know some mom's who don't agree with me, but that's how I feel. All women are important whether mom's or not. I know that wans't part of the discussion, but i felt I needed to express that. =)

I am a mother of two beautiful girls. I had a very difficult marriage because my husband was irresponsible and selfish. I have to raise and work very very hard to keep the family from drowning and at the same time spend as much time with my kids. I may envy some of my single friends their freedom, but i would never exchange my life for theirs or change any of the decision in the past that led me at this point in my life. I never loose my individuality... but i had it stregthened and gained deeper understanding of myself. My daughters bring out the best in me and i love being a mom inspite of having endless bills to pay and being so tired with the demands of parenting. I never loose sight of who i am but instead i came to understand better of who i really am, my strenghts, the things that i could that i didnt know i could, the extent of my patience and my ability to give sooo much of myself. My children's presence in my life is so enriching. Having kids is really so tiring emotionally, physically and financially draining but its the most rewarding thing that i have ever experienced in my life.

I can completely relate to what you are saying. I'm one of those who has used many times in the past a screen name with ____'sMom. After having my son, I slowly started to lose myself. I'm not complaining at all - I adore him with every inch of my soul but you are right.. I have lost the things that are important to me in the process of revolving my life around him. I honestly can't answer most people when they ask me what I like to do or what interests me because I am so use to living my life around the things that make my son happy or what he likes to do. I used that "MOM" screen name because after having him I became known as his mom and no longer referred to by my own name it seemed. I will tell you thought that I have never been one of those people who is always asking my single friends or childless friends when they are going to settle down and have children. Mainly because it was so hard for me to have my own son and it wasn't until after 2 miscarriages (one of them at 5 months along) that I finally had him. I had another miscarriage after him and tried for a good 15 years to get pregnant again to no avail until I was forced to have a hysterectomy at the age of 30 because of pre-cancer. So I know the other side of wanting a child and not being able to have one all the while your friends or strangers are asking "when are you going to have another one??" I honestly can't say that I'm envious of my childless friends. I might have admitted it when my son was younger and couldn't do things without me but now that he's a teenager, I am gaining some of my own freedoms back and my husband and I are starting to reconnect as a couple and not as parents. Lastly, in my heart and soul I enjoy every minute of being my son's mom and I honestly do not mind giving up my freedoms for his. He is only going to be in my care for a couple of more years and then I'll have the rest of my life to regain myself but in my case, I wish I could rewind the clocks and start over because it has been nothing but a pleasure and if that means giving up my identity to help his grow and blossom, then I'm more than willing to make that sacrifice. I know there are pros and cons on both sides of this issue. I think people need to just respect the choices that people make whether that involves children or not.

I hope you don't mind input from a non-mom. You brought up a good point.Being childless,i can stand back and see this situation.I noticed this years ago.Moms were so wrapped up in their kids ,there was no longer a seperation of mom and child.I understand that the child has to come first but mom's have to learn that they need to retain their own identity,take a little time for themselves,do things for themselves instead of always for someone else.I have seen moms get burned out big time. As for not having kids,I can't have kids but even before i found out i couldn't ,i had decided not to have them.I am not selfish for not wanting kids.I had made a conscience decision before i found out i couldn't have any that i was not gonna bring up a child in this world.So many women/couples decide to bring a couple into this world without any regard to what environment he/she would be in .my finances were tight back then plus i was not going to raise a child in this world the way it is.It was hard to come to that decision but I know that's the way it had to be.Of course I found out I couldn't have anyway,so that took care of that. I have actually had mom's tell me they envy my freedom and of course i have been bad mouthed by people who think i was stupid for not having any

I agree with this wholeheartedly. I used to be an educated career woman and whiole I initially enjoyed being a SAHM, I think my family has come t take me for granted to the point when opportunies arise that are NLY for my benefit, I find my needs being sidelined for theirs. Recently I lost a really tantalizing job offer because my family is just so demanding it wouldn't work. The opportunity is still there, on a smaller scale, but it really made me realize how much I have given up for them!

well people say motherhood is the best experince in this world ..and one of the greatest pride when who is mother .. well it gives you shape to your family ..your thinking chances ..still i dont think its about losing identity /....i would say its about shaping your identity ..well think in this way every career have up and down and so is the fact with motherhood ..there are bad days and good days

Well my friend look at my user name , My boys are now 44,41 and 26 but my youngest has CP he is now on this site as rossdcurran as I am sure you know , he is a very clever young man and he is waiting for a flat of his own , I will always put the boys first as I am sure all mothers do , but I also know no matter how independent they become of how old they become , I will always be the wee mam lol xx

I don't know if anyone will see this because it looks like this conversation is 3 years old. But I was surfing the net for info on "mom's lost identity" because that's how I feel. I am a mother of a 17 year old son who will leave for college next fall and a 28 year old daughter who has a 3 year old son. I love them all dearly and feel so blessed to have them in my life, but I have set myself aside all these years in many ways and now, well... now what? When I was married I supported my husband to cultivate his career and took care of everything else. I thought we would build a life together and stay together forever, naive I know!!! I had to divorce their father and wound up carrying most of the parenting responsibilities and was left with not much of anything to start over with. I know this is a common scenario. I have had some interesting jobs that I scraped and worked harder than anyone else at the companies I worked for to maintain over the years, I've had to let go or say no to lots of great opportunities and have not been able to build a real career. I don't have even an AA and I'm 50 now. I believe that if we bring childen into the world it is our responsibility to give them a good foundation so they can be happy, productive human beings that contribute to the world. I just wish I had given myself that foundation first. I wish my parents had given me that foundation, but that's water under the bridge. I encourage women to do that for themselves before they have children. And I encourage all of us to support each other. My daughter and I have wanted to create a support system for single mothers to do this. Her son was born 3 months premature and the father bailed when he realized what a responsibility it all was. She is trying to go back to school to get a degree in interior design, but it's really hard. So we both know the dirty secret that many moms are carrying around, that it's really hard to be a single mom, our culture doesn't really respect us and it's hard to respect ourselves. And it's really hard to cultivate our own identity and be the people we know we could be if we had the support that we have given to so many others. Does anyone have any real tangible information or ideas we can all share?