A little late for Christmas but cute just the same  

Hank was amazed at the length of the funeral procession going down Main Street. Watching awhile he observed that the cortege consisted entirely of men. It was led by a man holding a Doberman.

His curiosity got the best of him and walked up to the man at the front of the line. "Excuse me for interrupting you in your time of grief", said Hank, politely. " but I've never seen such a funeral procession. Would you mind telling me who it's for?"

"It's for my mother-in-law," explained the mourner. Tightening the leash, he guestered down at the dog and said, "My Doberman here killed her."

"Gee, that's terrible, " commiserated Hank, " but hmmm....is there any way you could lend me your dog for a day or so ?"

The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered, "get in line!"

Q: How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?

A: Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him "lunch".

"An elephant is a mouse with an operating system"

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?

A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.

Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?

A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!

You forgot sadomasochistic personality disorder:

Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire


So sorry - LOL!

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting female broom rider walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter said, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.....Nice children you've got there - are they twins?" The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?........ Are you blind or just stupid? Do you really think they look alike?"

"No", replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"

A Tragedy



Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if
anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stands up and
offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street
and a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a
cliff, killing everyone involved...that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."


The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer.

"What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of
a tragedy?"

Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an
airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb, that would
be a tragedy."

"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be
a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly
would be no great loss!"

One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof.

Snowman As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here."

The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."