|  When I was a kid, I was always picked on by my mother and my grandmother (not her mother, my fathers mother) about my weight.
From the time I was really little to about when I hit teenager, I was consistantly picked on about my weight. They would always tell me I was too skinny, so I needed to gain weight.
Then of course when you hit teenager, you do put on weight.
So, when I was 14 going on 15 I started starving myself. Did a darn good job of it too, because my lowest weight (im 5"10) was 138 pounds. And then and only then was my grandparents and my mom proud of me . But they had no idea I was starving myself.
I ended up getting pregnant at a young age, and I never did lose the weight from the pregnancy. I think at that point I was 188 pounds, and stayed around there. Again, picked on by family members about my weight, saying I was too fat, that I needed to go on a diet (even though I wasn't eating much at the time) and that I needed to do this for myself.
Flash forward several years, and 3 kids later (before my daughters were born). I ended up ballooning up to almost 300 pounds. I hated myself. I hated how I looked, I hated how I felt. I had no energy. I was always eating Mcdonalds and not doing anything but sit on the computer all day long. No one said anything to me about it, except my mom once when she was drunk. She told me I was too fat ans I looked ugly that I needed to lose weight.
So I ended up leaving the boyfriend that I was with, and I dropped 60 some odd pounds because of a four month bus strike. I was happy with myself, and even though at that time I was still around the 188 mark, I was happy because I hadn't been there for along time. And still the comments. WELL you could stand to lose some weight, you are too fat you know. Lovely.
I ended up pregnant with my daughter, and because of the comments I didn't allow myself to gain anymore than 20 pounds. Which slowly crept off, I think it took me over a year to lose the weight. And again, back down to 188 which in MY mind I was ok with, but in my familys mind it wasn't enough. I should lose more they said. So I started on Zenadrine EFX. didn't work. I walked everyday to work and started taking fat burners, which did help me lose some weight, but more inches than anything else. I ended up dropping down to I think 171? Which again in my mind I was happy with, and I fit into clothes that I hadn't worn in a long time. But again, muy family kept coming back and telling me how fat I was, how I needed to lose more weight.
And right now, after my fifth child. I am having a hard time losing the weight. Sure itsd only been 9 months since I had her, but the weight is taking its time to come off. And right now, even though my fiance still says im beautiful and deep down I know I am, my family STILL says to me, well you are too fat you need to go back to what you were several years ago.
I still have problems with food, don't get me wrong. I hate eating - because im always worried as to how much of it is going to fat. How much of this is going to hurt me in the end. So I have a REALLY hard time eating food. My fiance is always giving me heck because he notices sometimes I don't eat. Ill have a frappicino and then ill be set. I won't eat breakfast because im afraid of it hurting me.
How long do you think their words should hurt me? i mean I truly hate how I look because of them. I cant be happy with myself because their words are still etched into my head...
|
