Sort One Problem - Then Hit Two More.
@retardedrugrat (4790)
Canada
April 14, 2007 11:43pm CST
Just as an update, I'd like to thank everyone who commented to offer their support during my recent troubles with my partner. We HAVE managed to work through them. On Friday evening, he came home from work with a HUGE slab of my favorite Chocolate, and a dozen red roses. Yes, I cried LOL.
Today, we went to get the kids from my friend. They were overjoyed to be able to come home, and I thanked my friend with tears in my eyes. She's a true angel. On the way home, the clutch on the car went. So now, we have to try and find $500 to have that fixed, and my partner will have to get up at 4.30am in order to get to work for 7am till we can get the car fixed.
And, as if all that wasn't bad enough, I had an ultimatum from my mom today.
She and Dad split and divorced 7 years ago. Dad remarried and mom got with the man she's with now. Recently, mom had a HUGE fallout with my sister. It was a misunderstanding but it deteriorated into choosing sides. My Dad took my sisters side, and although I live in Canada, I got dragged into the middle of it all.
Anyway, mom told me today that because of all the bad blood between her and my Dad and my sister, if they go to my Wedding next year, she's not coming. It hurt because I love my mom dearly, to not have her at my Wedding just doesn't seem right, but I'm at a loss as to know how to get around this.
Gah, does anyone know what it's like to have a quiet life? Because if you do, I want you to know that I'm extremely jealous!
13 people like this
24 responses
@mama4kids (690)
• United States
15 Apr 07
what the heck is a quiet life??? everyone has some type of family problems unfortunately. you dont even want to know about mine. we would be here all day. it will get better though. things just need to work themselves out. you invite whoever you want to your wedding and if some people are childish enough to not come because so and so is going...then you dont want them there anyways. dont stress though. sounds like you have some time before the wedding. things may just get better.
3 people like this
@retardedrugrat (4790)
• Canada
15 Apr 07
Lol, I totally hear ya about the quiet life!
I do have some time before the Wedding - just over a year in fact, and like I've said, a lot can happen in a year.
I love my mother dearly, I just didn't really want to be put in this position. She told me that if my Father isn't coming that she'd move heaven and Earth to be there for me because she's "not going to leave me to get married on my own."
Unfortunately, my mom and Dad and my sister are all I have left. I don't think my sister is coming out anyway, because she doesn't have a whole lot of money, but I didn't think it would sink to my parents starting to bicker over my Wedding.
1 person likes this
@mama4kids (690)
• United States
17 Apr 07
well i wish you lots of luck. i hope it turns out the way you want it to. post something when the wedding does happen. i would love to hear about how wonderful it all was!!!
@lordwarwizard (35747)
• Singapore
15 Apr 07
Haha.. sometimes life is like that. You win some, you lose some. I am glad that your marriage issue is ironed out. ^^
As for your parents, well, take it as it comes. I am sure you will surmount this too. God bless.
@retardedrugrat (4790)
• Canada
15 Apr 07
Lol, thank you Wiz. I knew I could count on you to bring a smile to my face :P
As for my parents, well right now, I want to smack them both upside the head and tell them to get over it lol. I really don't want to have to be forced into making a choice but if push comes to shove, I get the feeling that I might end up telling both parents that there's no invitation going their way.
I can't make a choice between them. I love them both, it has to be both or none of them.
2 people like this
@emisle (3822)
• Ireland
15 Apr 07
You've got a LOT of drama going on right now! No offense, but your mum making you choose is very selfish, it is YOUR day after all, and just because your dad and sister are there doesn't mean that she has to actually talk to them. And if you tell your dad and sister not to come they're going to see you are on your mother's side, even if you don't want to get dragged into it. Plus telling any of your family not to come to your wedding is going to really hurt their feelings and make you feel like cr@p.
I think I'd either a) tell them to sort their problems out or none of them will be coming to the wedding or
b) tell your mum that if she has a problem with your father and sister being there than that's her problem as you want all your family to be there to celebrate your big day.
Good luck!
3 people like this
@retardedrugrat (4790)
• Canada
15 Apr 07
Thank you. You hit the nail right on the head in terms of how I'm feeling right now lol. For some reason in our family, it's never easy being me.
To be honest, I've had problems like this before. We arranged our Wedding and then Dad told me he couldn't come because he'd booked a vacation, even though he'd known what date the Wedding was for over a year. Thanks to me feeling like absolute sh!t because he wasn't coming, we canceled it all.
And now, when we start to arrange things AGAIN, it's MOM who has something to say. I understand where the issues lie, but sheesh, doing this to me really isn't fair!
1 person likes this
@recycledgoth (9894)
•
15 Apr 07
I am so glad you and your guy have got things worked out hun, I was hoping that you would be able to talk things through ok.
So far as your family are concerned, this might sound really harsh hun but this is a common problem these days and in all honesty, you cannot force the issue one way or another. It is you and your partner that matter, and perhaps both your Mum and Dad will ultimately realise that they should try to put aside their differences for the sake of your happiness
3 people like this
@retardedrugrat (4790)
• Canada
15 Apr 07
Gah, I hope so hun.
Unfortunately, Mom and Dad are both stubborn to, perhaps more than they should be at times.
I've seen so many people who don't want to hurt a member of the family by inviting another member they don't get on with, or heard of two women fighting at the Wedding and quite frankly, the thought of that terrifies me.
I don't want to hurt anyone, but I also don't want WWIII going down at my Wedding Reception.
1 person likes this
@twils2 (1812)
• United States
15 Apr 07
Well, my life seems quieter than yours lately anyway. I'm glad you and your mate have worked things out. If I was in your shoes, as much as you love your mother and want her there, I would tell her that if she can put away her differences for her daughter for one day then I wouldnt want her there. It almost sounds like she's trying to control you and thats not good. I know you love your mother and really want her there but you really shouldnt let her put you in these situations. All you can do is send her an invatation and if she dosnt want to come, well, thats on her. I hope everything works out for you. Take care!
@retardedrugrat (4790)
• Canada
15 Apr 07
Thanks Twils.
I think the whole thing with my mom is that she doesn't want to be in an uncomfortable situation so far from home. Her whole stance is that she doesn't want to "ruin my Day" by opening her mouth and starting an argument.
She's not controlling to be honest, it's just how she is lol, she's always been the same, and with my mom, I've learned to expect the unexpected.
I'm not getting married till next May. A lot can change in a year and so thats what I'm hoping for - that things will change and get better.
Having said that, I just wish there was a way that I could get the ball rolling. Talking to my Dad about this is a no go though. It's like talking to a brick wall *Sigh*
Thanks for your response though, it's appreciated.
3 people like this
@princeworthy (1909)
• United States
15 Apr 07
LOL! Hon I am glad things worked out for you! I am laughing because I just finished responding to the other discussion :) Sorry I was so late I missed the entire crisis! I wish that things would smooth out with your parents so you could have a nice peaceful wedding. Good luck hon!
@retardedrugrat (4790)
• Canada
15 Apr 07
LOL! Awww, better late than never :P
I'm hoping for a miracle in terms of my wedding lol. But a lot can happen in a year and I guess I'm trying to hang on to that.
I have to try and get everyone talking again - a tall order for someone who lives overseas and I should try and do it in a way thats not going to rehash everything. Ugh.
Can you tell I'm not looking forward to it yet? Lol.
1 person likes this
@retardedrugrat (4790)
• Canada
15 Apr 07
Thank you so much gabs. It's definitely nice to have the household back to normal again for sure lol.
Now, if I could just get the car and the Wedding sorted, I might figure out what a quiet life is LOL.
1 person likes this
@ThulsZ (784)
• India
15 Apr 07
hey frnd... sorrow is not the end of life..and does terminate some relation at times.. but,permanent doesn't rely on the result of problem....be confident in your work of makin your mom to hear your feelings.. she will surely come at you...after all it's all the human nature..have a nice day
2 people like this
@retardedrugrat (4790)
• Canada
15 Apr 07
Thank you for your kind words. Hopefully my mother will come around at some point in the near future.
1 person likes this
@raijin (10345)
• Philippines
15 Apr 07
Another test of faith for you my friend, but I am really sure that you'll again overcome, deal with it and solve it.
Your wedding as I see would be a long time to worry about, as I think you need to prioritize first your parents' family problems and hope that again, would end up in a steady and peaceful manner. Talk to both of your parents, because I think the things they say now may change in the future. This is only a cause for the moment, just pray and hope that they would resolve long before your wedding starts. Just tell your mother that you also have to deal with some things, and that you shouldn't be pressured in making such decisions like that.
As for your car's clutch, it's not that serious enough to worry about. Because I think these problems are common to car owner's, I know it will get fixed in no time.
@retardedrugrat (4790)
• Canada
15 Apr 07
Thank you raijin.
I'm sure the Wedding issue will be solved one way or another. Whether I like the outcome is a different story.
My parents do understand that my partner and I have been having problems, and honestly, they've been very supportive of that. I'm thankful for that at least.
As for the Car, I know these problems are common ones, and it's not actually getting it fixed thats going to be the problem. It's finding the money to get it fixed thats going to be the problem. We don't have a credit card or anything that we can use for it, so we need the money upfront.
1 person likes this
@marlyse (1056)
• Switzerland
15 Apr 07
awwwwwww sweet girl, im so happy to hear the good news. i was worried and thought lots of you. congrats to both of you and i wish you all the best to go through all the hard work.
as of the wedding, it is next year, so you have time to wait for a decision. important is now that you have time for your own life and to sort out all what bothers you both.
after a reasonable time and when you are sure all is ok now, you can start to solve the problem with your parents. they have to understand that you love them dearly, but that you need to fiy your own life before you start to fix their problems. i have to go through the same situation with my parents my whole life and finally all was solved.
so i send you my best thoughts and happiness for the future
2 people like this
@retardedrugrat (4790)
• Canada
15 Apr 07
Awww thank you marlyse. Thats very sweet of you :o)
I do have a little time, but only a little. I'm hoping they can come to some conclusion in the next three months. Dad told me that the earlier they book their flights to Canada, the cheaper it will be.
They understand that I need to fix my own problems first though, and both parents have been very supportive while my partner and I were struggling which is something to be thankful for.
Lets just hope they come to their senses. One of them has to take the initiative and right now, none of them are willing to do that.
2 people like this
@dfinster (3528)
• United States
15 Apr 07
I'm so happy that you and your partner got everything worked out between you. It's nice that you can all be together as a family again and be planning for a wedding. As far as your mom, dad and sister, I wouldn't worry about that too much. Family things seem to have a way of working out and even though your mom is upset now, I don't think she could live with herself if she missed her daughter's wedding. Especially because of something you didn't even do to start their fight. Godd luck and keep us posted if you need to vent.~D
2 people like this
@retardedrugrat (4790)
• Canada
15 Apr 07
Thank you :o) It's great to start settling back down again finally. My kids have been wonderful since they returned home, apart from the fact that they won't let us out of their sight right now lol. Their friends have been calling and asking if they want to go play. Surprisingly, they said no. It'll get better though. They missed us both is all.
As for my mom - well, this feud has been going on since before Christmas. She attempted to make her peace with my sister once, but was subjected to a torrent of verbal abuse from my sister, so she gave it up and quietly put the phone down.
I honestly don't know if this can be sorted out. I have the strangest feeling I'm going to have to tell my family that I don't want any of them there. It's the only way I can be sure of them not causing problems on the day. The only downside to that is that it may cause more problems short term between the three of them.
I see me venting a lot more before this is solved.
3 people like this
@rx4life (1930)
• United States
15 Apr 07
Quiet life...hmmmm..I don't think I know that one..:) But I am glad things have been better for you and your partner...and that the children are home and happy.. Yes, in life it is always something...but that is life...the sum of the somethings that happen, the sum of the love we have for others and they for us, the sum of the joy we give and receive, the sum of the good vs bad, happy vs sad...and on it goes this thing called life..balancing act that it is...whilst one day it seems unliveable the next it seem there are not enough hours in the day to drink it all in and live it's every moment...I hope your mom changes her mind...those ultimatums only serve to hurt people..and it may be her that is the most hurt , missing her beloved daughter's wedding...whatever she decides, I hope you let her live with that and that you can accept it and move forward...don't be dragged down by the unrest and unhappiness that is brewing amongst the others...love them all the same..let them know that as hurt as you will be, you will honor and accept their decisions...that way you will have released that responsibility and if indeed your mom doesn't come...try to let her own that decision..you will of course miss her and it may seem unatural...but don't let it change your lovely day...if she feels that strongly about it then let it be if you can...and hopefully she will see by your loving acceptance of her decision that she will be missing a momenteous occasion and perhaps change her mind and attend. I have seen in many weddings the drama that unfolds and supercedes the purpose...those that rise above that drama and focus on their love and their futures have it all..they enjoy their day, accept that whomever has too many issues to attend still loves them, and move toward a future based on that love and understanding...leaving the drama people to their own disappointing performances. Alot can change in a short time...state your case to your mom and then accept her decision...it's her loss..you will have your partner and your children and your less drama filled lives...in a perfect world she will put your requests for your day before her own difficulties with family...she would in effect, rise above her differences..and in the end you all could enjoy the union of a greater love...keep your eye on the prize as it were...and that prize is your many years of wedded bliss with someone you love unconditionally...one day and one person's issues shouldn't be put above that....Best of everything...as we move through life and encounter resistance we need to learn to move through or around it, but not keep bumping into it and letting it impede our progress!!!!
@retardedrugrat (4790)
• Canada
15 Apr 07
Wow lol. That's some response!
I too am glad the children are home finally. They haven't let me or my partner out of their sight since, which I think is to be expected. It's wonderful that family life is starting to settle down somewhat at home.
On the other hand, my Wedding is causing major headaches. I know my mom wants to be there. But only if my father isn't. Her reasoning is that she doesn't want to ruin my day and by that I presume that she's not sure she'll be able to hold her tongue.
I like the vision of what it would be like in a perfect world lol, but real life is far from that. It's sad that such major events in a family can bring out the worst of people, and honestly, I didn't see it coming to this.
I can only hope that as time goes by, things will get better. As much as I'm looking forward to marrying and being with my partner for the rest of my life, I also want to celebrate the event with my few remaining family members there to enjoy the day with me.
2 people like this
@teapotmommommerced (10359)
• United States
15 Apr 07
I am glad you are not leaving us and you were able to work thigs out with your patner.
As far as taking sides with your mother and not having her at your wedding I know this hurts. Your mom should be an adult about it and just come. If she cannot then she is the one who will miss out. You did not say if your dad gave you an ultimatum or not. I hope he is an adult and will never go there.
My parents divorced and there has been times I have invited my dad who lives in another state to important events in my life. Mom has always said "If your dad comes I will not be there" She has always gotten her way because for some reason or another dad had never been able to come.
The one time dad did come to see me, mom went to stay with a friend. I was ill and had lost my hearing in my right ear. I was facing brain surgery so my dad and older sister flew down and stayed at my grandmothers home (his exmother in-law) for three days. They came over for dinnerone night. Mom who lived with at the time hid at a friends home. They had been divorced for 20 years what would my dad do to her?
Your mom needs to let your wedding day be about "YOU" and your partner and not about "HER".
I guess parents can be a pain in the bottom no matter how far from you they are.
2 people like this
@retardedrugrat (4790)
• Canada
15 Apr 07
Thank you teapotmommommerced. (Whew, that takes some typing! :P)
Mom is the only one who's issued an ultimatum so far. While I understand her reasoning, I didn't want to be in this position. Dad hasn't issued me with an ultimatum and I don't really think he would. He's far more laid back than my mother is.
Mom told me that if my father isn't coming, she would move heaven and earth to be there for my big day. She just doesn't want to be there because of my Dad and my sister. It's strange because as much as she hates my Dad's wife, she really doesn't have any issues with her over this whole situation.
It's more the fact that my Dad took my sisters side in the whole mess, even when it was obvious that my sister was the one who started all of this. My sister right now is sitting off to the side enjoying all the fuss. It's all I can do not to call her and tell her that I hope she proud of the trouble she's caused. I don't think she realized that this would have a bad effect on who comes to the Wedding.
1 person likes this
@smwarriar (47)
• United States
15 Apr 07
No life is perfect. Even rich people have their share of miseries. You should try to get your parents talking and explain your situation how you feel about it. Tell them how it is a no-win situation for you. No matter who comes, other person won't. So in a way you are losing something on the most important day of your life. Tell them for you they have to set aside the differences and be united on that day (if possible after that too ! )..
@retardedrugrat (4790)
• Canada
15 Apr 07
Thank you for your kind words smwarriar.
Unfortunately, trying to get my parents together when I live overseas is an issue. Mom refuses to call my Dad and Dad is steadfastly refusing to acknowledge the fact that mom is even alive. In the meantime, my sister is sitting off the side and loving all the trouble she's caused.
I don't think telling them that it's a no win situation will help things at this point. All I can do is make them realize individually how much they're hurting me by doing this.
Hopefully that will be enough to have them come to their senses.
1 person likes this
@icequeen (2840)
• Canada
15 Apr 07
Well first of all I am glad you worked it out with your partner. It is a shame that these other things are happening. However...life is like that...it seems problems seem to come in three's. Hopefully...you can save or borrow the money to fix your car. The other situation is more troublesome. You can only hope that they will work it out before your wedding. Maybe you can talk to them? If that doesn't work and your mom still insists she won't go then just leave it alone. It is your day! Being a mother myself...I think she will change her mind...I am sure she would not miss your wedding....
@retardedrugrat (4790)
• Canada
15 Apr 07
Thank you for your well wishes.
Indeed I am hoping that they can work it out. I don't think my mom is being deliberately difficult, I think she just can't handle the fact that my Dad may well be there.
Unfortunately, she's decided that because of all this, she won't be at the wedding if he is. I hope she will change her mind, but she's really rather stubborn.
1 person likes this
@tammyr (5945)
• Etowah, Tennessee
15 Apr 07
I would just let it sit. If it is brought up again. Just ask the person if they are trying to get you upset? It is a year away, for goodness sakes! You should not be worrying about this now. In 9 months, it will be something to think about!
I feel like your mom is trying to get you to take sides. And of course she wants to be your choice. I would not chose.
I am glad you got things worked out and I hope you get a little peace and quiet.
2 people like this
@retardedrugrat (4790)
• Canada
15 Apr 07
Unfortunately, tammy, I HAVE to worry about it now. My parents live in the UK and I'm in Canada. Thats where the Wedding is, and so they have to have a minimum of 9 months notice so they can try and get a decent flight at a decent price.
If I leave it till 9 months before and THEN start worrying about it, chances are a flight is going to cost them a lot more (Thats what Dad told me anyway.)
I don't know WHAT mom is trying to do. A couple of months ago, she told me that she wouldn't be able to make it because she couldn't afford it. Now she's telling me that if my Dad doesn't come, she WILL. It's confusing to say the least.
Thank you for your good wishes about myself and my partner. It's lovely to feel the tensions slip away between us. Now, if I could just get the car and the wedding sorted .... Lol.
1 person likes this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
15 Apr 07
Oh that first part is the best news I've had in a long time. Hugs to all of you...I'm crying now too...lol.
You two are certainly having your trials it really doesn't seem fair.
All I can think of is to leave the wedding thing in the air for now. OR...tell your Mom that she's not going to spoil your wedding, she'll come and she'll be civil....OR get together with your sister at some stage and tell your parents to get over themselves and stop behaving like idiot children. They're not together now, the past is behind them and they have new lives. What they seem to have forgotten is you are still a family and now there are grandchildren. It will be healthier and happier for all if they settle their differences and treat each other at least with courtesy.
All the very best of luck to you and loads of happiness. Hugs too. ;)
@retardedrugrat (4790)
• Canada
15 Apr 07
Lol, no more tears for now hun :o)
As for the Wedding *Sighs* Ugh.
The misunderstanding with my mom and my sister is the thing that sparked this whole thing off. My mom and my sister haven't spoken since before Christmas, nor are they likely to in the near future. My sister was in the wrong, but she's denied that and my Dad, unfortunately, believes her.
I haven't told my Dad about my moms statement yet. I don't know how he'll take it to be honest. I think I should leave it in the air for now. Like I said in my response above, a lot can change in a year. Fingers crossed.
Thanks for your response :o)
2 people like this
@charms88 (7538)
• Philippines
15 Apr 07
Oh honey, glad to see you back. Now I can stop crying, LOL! Honey, this is life. I don't think there's any quiet moment in my life either. It seems that disaster occupy 99% and only 1% remain for me to compose myself and relax a little.
I'm sorry to hear about your mom. I hope she can come to her senses and realize how important her presence meant to you. Be strong, honey. This is a tough world. And we need to conquer it everyday of our lives.
2 people like this
@retardedrugrat (4790)
• Canada
15 Apr 07
Thank you!! Lol.
My mom is a tough stubborn lady. I know that a lot can change in a year and right now, I'm holding onto that thought.
At the same time though, they need to sort it fast if they want to come, because I know Dad said that the earlier they book their flight, the cheaper it'll be.
So in order for both parents to be there AND get their flights booked, they need to have it sorted within the next three months.
Ugh!
1 person likes this
@bluewings (3857)
•
15 Apr 07
I am So glad that you guys have found a way to stay cuffed together ,lol.Well,atleast one down :-P Quiet life ? Now what's that ? lol No,my life is never quiet.It could be boring at times ,but quiet never.Well,the present state of affairs perhaps isn't as bad as the other one and I hope a solution comes up just like one presented itself in this case :-D .Goodluck,Rugrat!
@Aphroditei_5279 (2465)
• Philippines
19 Apr 07
I'm so sad to hear about all your difficulties my friend. I know I may have been a little late to respond. I was too overwhelmed by my emails. And I'm still coping up too with my snail pace. I'm so bad to be here only after so many days. But I'm happy to hear that you have reconcile with your partner. At least, there is one less problem to thing about. And for your mom and dad, that's tough really. I hope all will be well soon. And I'll pray for it too. Stay strong! Keep the Faith! (^^,)
@Aphroditei_5279 (2465)
• Philippines
19 Apr 07
And just wanted to add, I hope your family come up with some peace treaty so you can enjoy your wedding day. Congratulations too and best wishes! Just a friendly advice avoid to climb waterfalls for the honeymoon, save energy. (^^,LOL) just kidding. Hope I made you smile even a little bit. *hugz* (^^,)
