does you partner complain about how you dress?
By kaperkitty
@kaperkitty (1097)
Canada
April 26, 2007 9:02am CST
My best friend is a very pretty woman, very tall, nice shape and looks great in her clothes. She takes great care of herself her hair is done in a current style it's highlighted blond and her skin is flawless. She is 39 and her boyfriend is 54. So I would consider her a great catch for him. She has a great job and is financially independent. But he is constantly on her back about how she dresses. She likes to dress sporty she wears jeans and sneakers and sweaters and sweatshirts when she is off work. She is an LPN so she is in a uniform at work all the time. He wants her to wear skirts and heels and bows in her hair and makeup. She wears mascara and usually a little lipstick because her complexion is great and she doesn't need it. He wants her to look like Barbie. when she does wear a casual skirt in the summer he wants her to wear pantyhose and heels, we laugh and say it's not the seventies ya know.
I'm not used to this and it makes her feel terrible and her self esteem is at an all time low because he says she looks like a man and he wouldn't take her anywhere looking like she does. It amazes me, if he could only see how many men check her out and ask her out all the time. I'm with someone who never fails to say i look nice and always comments when i happen to change something about my appearance. Have any of you had any negative feedback from your partner about how you dress?? I would love to hear it so I can share it with my friend
Cheryl
7 people like this
23 responses
@linzmcwilliams (1552)
•
27 Apr 07
That really is a shame. Your friends sounds like she deserves better. My boyfriend would never say anything about my clothes that would lower my self esteem. When we go shopping he'll tell me if something doesn't suit me but you would expect that of any good friend. When i ask him what he would like me to wear if we are going out or something he tells me to wear whatever i feel comfortable in. Thats the sort of respect and support you should expect from a relationship. I don't think your friends boyfriend will realise how much he is hurting her feelings. Men aren't great at measuring things like that. Advise your friend to talk to her partner about it if she wants to make it work. However she has to remain who she is, don't let her change for a man.
2 people like this
@MakeItCount (350)
• India
27 Apr 07
She needs to leave this guy. It may seem like a minor irritant now but what he's trying to do is make her over into a certain image. And while in this case it may stop with the clothes she wears it could get progressively worse where he could want to control everything she does and everyone she meets. Of course, I don't know this guy from Adam, so maybe he's a really nice guy but my instinct says- Get out now!
1 person likes this
@MakeItCount (350)
• India
6 May 07
He's been arrested for physical violence? This sounds like a really dangerous situation. You should encourage your friend to leave before something really horrible happens. What does she see in him anyway?- I mean she sounds like a nice attractive woman, she deserves better.
@kaperkitty (1097)
• Canada
27 Apr 07
your instincts are right on the money. The control with the clothes is just one of the many forms in the 8 year relationship. I was at once physical but being arrested and charged scared him enough that he says he will never do that again . He shall see, he tries to control her with killing her self esteem more and more each day.I try and try to get her help but she won't go I worry all the time how far this could escalate too
Cheryl
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
27 Apr 07
Only once has my husband ever expressed interest at how I dress. In autumn it was kind of cool, not cold enough to wear a thick jumper, but cool enough that I had to wear a thin ling sleeve pullover. It was long, with mauve & grey stripes. I really liked it, but had it for a long time.
Evidently my husband didn't like it,. as he went out a bought me a lovely red jumper. It was very thick, & I wore it a lot last winter, but now that it is autumn again, I am going to nee those thinnish type pullovers for awhile.
@kaperkitty (1097)
• Canada
27 Apr 07
oh that's too funny well at least you got a great present. Maybe you could hint you need some autumn pullovers and he did such a good job he could choose some for you lol.sounds like you have a keeper there hon
have a great weekend
hugs
Cheryl
@carlaabt (3504)
• United States
26 Apr 07
My husband never cares what I wear. A lot of the clothes I wear at home, I wouldn't ever wear if I was going out, but my husband never complains. I honestly don't think he would care if I went anywhere in my pajamas.
I don't know if he would notice things that I changed about my appearance, because he is always with me if I get a hair cut or anything, and really that's about the only thing that I ever do that changes my appearance.
1 person likes this
@kaperkitty (1097)
• Canada
27 Apr 07
well it's nice to know your accepted for who you are hon. I mean if someone fell in love with you why would they want to change you afterward it doesn't make sense. You fall in love with the person not there wardrobe. thanks hon for responding
have a great weekend great picture of your handsome boy!
Cheryl
@RobinJ (2501)
• Canada
27 Apr 07
This man is not interested in how this woman dresses he is interested in one thing being in control of her. this all about control and she is being abused by his needs and demands, I do not know how you can help her deal with this. I think you can point out things to her and ask if this is working for her and does it make her feel good or depressed. other than that I can not help. It is a very difficult thing to stand back and see a dear friend abuse by a man who only is interested in "being the man" If it wasn't her cloths it would be some thing else. I am so sorry for this woman
@coconutpatty (834)
• United States
26 Apr 07
That is really messed up. I hate seeing people who can do better stick with the people who bring them down. She definitely sounds like a beautiful women. So she likes to be comfortable and if that's in jeans and a sweatshirt, who cares. A lot of men find that more appealing than a woman in a skirt and heels. I think she needs to tell him how she feels about his comments. And if he doesn't like it, maybe they need to take some time apart for him to think things over.
1 person likes this
@kaperkitty (1097)
• Canada
27 Apr 07
thanks so much for your input and I agree they should take some time apart so he can begin to appreciate how lucky he is to have such a wonderful person in his life.Thanks so much for taking the time to comment
Cheryl
1 person likes this
@coconutpatty (834)
• United States
30 Apr 07
Sometimes just a little time away is all it take to make the other person think. He got together with her before and I'm sure he know long before now that she liked to dress this way. It's completley unfair to ask her to change that.
@magica (3707)
• Bulgaria
27 Apr 07
Many woman are dependent of the other`s opinion about their way of dressing. They usually ask non-stop their partner about this or allow him to control them. What can be very annoying. If your friend Cheryl is from them-ask her why does she need his approval so much, where are the real reasons?
1 person likes this
@alindahaw (1219)
• Philippines
27 Apr 07
Well, my partner agrees with the way i dress. He understands that my manner of dressing is an extension of my personality. It is really a matter of communication between partners.
1 person likes this
@alindahaw (1219)
• Philippines
27 Apr 07
well, it is really a matter of comminicating with your partner. My partner understands that the way I dress is an extension of personality.
1 person likes this
@aweins (4199)
• India
27 Apr 07
NO, never. my partner never ever complained about what i wore because each n evry thing is of his choice, so how can he question his own choice. i dont wear make. the day i applied was on my wedding that too a lip gloss. he dont like a too made up look so i dont wear make up and i dont even crave for wearing it because i too dont like . i like natural n a fresh look.
1 person likes this
@speedy1279 (2665)
• United States
26 Apr 07
Normally my husband doesn't complain about the way I dress. He likes a lot of the things I wear. The only time he will say something is when I am at home and put something real baggy on to do cleaning or something. Then he says "can't you wear something more sexy than that". But he is only joking when he says it. Good luck to your friend. Hope everything works out for her.
1 person likes this
@kaperkitty (1097)
• Canada
27 Apr 07
well your husband sounds like a normal guy just teasing you in your cleaning clothes John does that also because most times its the oldest baggiest clothes most with holes in them. But it's the abuse my friend hears everyday that you cannot imagine about how ugly she is and she looks like a quarterback and a man .It's a sin, and so disrespectful. thanks so much for taking the time to comment
Cheryl
@palonghorn (5479)
• United States
26 Apr 07
Ya know I think I would remind him (don't know how long they have been together) that she dressed like this before him and seemed to have caught his attention, enough that they are a coupld. So why is he trying to change her now? And the next time I was around when he said something like that I think I would mention, he's not the only one looking at her, and the other's seem to like what they see. It just seems like he is trying to be controlling, don't let him. I've had several friends that just loved their mate be it boyfriend or husband, loved what they did, and then get together as a couple and try to change it or complain about it. Ya know, if ya marry a cop, and he was a cop when ya met him......then that is the life you chose, don't complain about his long hours, or his way of behaving, just be there to listen and support them. Sounds like he wants to change what he fell for in the first place. She needs to let him know that she is tired of it, and that it upsets her for him to act that way, don't be a doormat. I also have someone special that notices things and compliments me or something I have accomplished, so we are the lucky ones.
1 person likes this
@kaperkitty (1097)
• Canada
27 Apr 07
absolutely hit the heart of the matter your right he does try to control her about everything. He once ask her to choose between him and me she said if your asking that seriously you will not like the answer .he let the subject drop. Her parents dislike him so she is not allowed to have them in his home. he will not put her name on anything in the house even though all the renovations on the house we done with her money. He is a control freak about her cleaning the house and he would not even let her go for coffee after 4pm in the afternoon . Funny I wondered why he worried since no one even would look at here HM.. I have had her into see women counselors but she always says he will change and goes back. He has destroyed her self esteem its so sad.
Cheryl
@smilyia (45)
•
27 Apr 07
Generally speaking ,I won't complain my partner's dress.cause I think it 's one's tase .And I think complaination is unplice .Ofcause my partner won't complain my dress neither.cause my tase is good ,and my dress is fashion.Sometime ,I will give their advice about how to dress and keep nice.
1 person likes this
@rakesh_s5 (32)
• India
27 Apr 07
i dont have any patnner so cant tell sorry lolz
1 person likes this
@pumpkinjam (8528)
• United Kingdom
27 Apr 07
My partner doesn't really complain about how I dress. He mostly doesn't even notice! I just wear scruffy clothes mot the time because, having 2 children, they get dirty quickly! But if I dress up for anything my partner doesn't usualyl say anything until we get out and he decides my top's too low or something.
What I don't understand about your friends situation is that her boyfriend obviously found her attractive the way she is or he wouldn't be with her so he shouldn't expect her to change. If he wanted a woman who was going to dress like Barbie, he shouldn't have gone for your friend and he doesn't deserve her if he won't love her the way she is.
1 person likes this
@axe_effect (799)
• Philippines
27 Apr 07
yes, i do complain if my partner doesnt wear a nice outfit.
@gwendovere (1279)
• United States
5 Aug 07
I've been in some very bad relationships. Abusive ones in which I was called Fat, Ugly, and a host of other names that are too offensive to mention here.
I have resolved to stay alone for the rest of my life. I have high self-esteem & I don't need anyone to bring me down. I dress how I want to, wear make-up if I feel like it, and I am my own person.
@faith_hope_love (377)
• Philippines
27 Apr 07
I know my husband loves me for who I am and not for what I wear.. Although there are times that he has his opinion and comments about how short my skirt is and how low is my neckline. He is kind of conservative but he says it in a very nice way and not commanding or offensive way. Your friend's boyfriend (please forgive me) is such a jerk. If he really loves the girl, let her be who she really is. She may wear anything she wants for as long as she's comfortable with it.
@wonderful1 (2075)
• China
27 Apr 07
he often complains my dress.when we are friend ,he doesn't complain it ,i could dress mini short,but now ,i cant' dress mini short .He says i should dress for him ,because he is my boyfriend.
1 person likes this
@bowtieguy (5915)
• United States
6 Jul 07
She used to, when we were still together she used to complain that I was not casual enough, and I wasn't willing to change.
