Extra marital affairs..are they justified in some cases?

Love triangles, affairs, what is behind them? - Love triangles, affairs, what is behind them? What can you do to stop them?
United States
May 5, 2007 7:27am CST
I have a person I know & love. This person is now on their second marriage with 2 kids from a previous marriage and one from the second. It seems as though they are always looking for the perfect partner. They may get disillusioned with their current partner, be fighting alot, or just unhappy in general. They are always looking outside the marriage for comfort, for that little something extra. Every time I see something written by this person or spoken by this person that even alludes to the other "person" or to an affair, I find myself getting very angry. I know sometimes people make mistakes, and I can even understand a one time "mistake" You know, wrong place, wrong time, weakness. But to see someone repeatidly sabotaging a good marriage and potentially uprooting their children yet again, it just really gets my goat. Am I over reacting? Is it ok to do these things as long as you don't get caught? What is it that drives someone to constantly look outside their marriage for something else? Please explain it to me, as I am really at a loss.
7 people like this
21 responses
@Rickrocks8 (1751)
• United States
5 May 07
I really feel there is no way to justify going outside your marriage and finding another partner. I may get slammed for this but so be it. It's in the bible and I try to follow that as close as I can. I think people make the mistake of getting married too fast or for the wrong reasons. It is very hard on kids and it sends a bad message and it is probably one of the reasons or society is in ruins. I have alot more respect for people who try to make it work they end that relationship before they start another one. At least they gave it their best.
1 person likes this
• United States
5 May 07
I do agree with you 100%. I said I could understand a mistake, because, well we're human and sometimes we don't use our best judgment. BUT this person in my life I see doing these things over and over, I just want to shake her and scream at her. I really am very frustrated because I think it's soo wrong and like you said, you have to work things out. I know my husband & I have been through a lot and you should know as well from all the postings from way back in AOL. But we worked together and saved our marriage.
1 person likes this
• United States
5 May 07
We all have rocky times, and we have had them too. Bu tif you can make it together and learn from it your marriage will be all the stronger. We also go to church and have alot of faith now and that really helps!
1 person likes this
• United States
5 May 07
I'm glad it is working well for you. Even through all my rocks, and you and Sandra knew how bad it was, we managed to work it out. Anything is possible if you want it enough.
• India
6 May 07
Extra marital affairs are never justified. It is as good as cheating someone. If someone is not happy with his or her spouse then i would advice them to first, try to work on your relationship and even after this it doesnt work then get a divorce and move on with someone else. I think it is immoral on a woman's (or a man's) part when they have an affair with an already married person. I would advice you to leave this man and forget him. You are only hurting yourself and his family. And you are not going to get anything out of it. So move on, lady!!
1 person likes this
• United States
6 May 07
I am married, and this discussion is not about me at all. It is about someone very close to me.
• India
7 May 07
ohh..i m sorry. I thought tht u r talking about yourself.
1 person likes this
• United States
7 May 07
that's ok, I understand it was a mis reading on your part. No offense taken :)
@chaime (1153)
• Philippines
6 May 07
NO, extra marital affairs are never justifiable, in any case. I mean, if you are in a relationship,a marriage, you work hard at the relationship/marriage to make it work. Remember no one is perfect, so your relationship/marriage is not perfect so you have to work on it. Now if you did everything and you know you did everything in your power to make things work and it didnt' then you leave that relationship before going on to look for new ones. A relationship after you have parted ways is different to a relationship you have while still involved with your initial partner. Oh yes, you and me both, get angry when I find out that someone tries to ruin a good marriage or if someone comes in and takes away the chance for a marriage to work. I think discontentment is what drives someone to look outside their marriage, as I said nothing and no one is perfect, so they try to look for this perfectness (is that a word?) outside of the relationship they are in. I am not saying this is right but that's the best justification I can think of although as I said, adultery, or extra marital affaris is never ever justifiable, in any case.
• United States
6 May 07
the funny thing is, that there is no such thing as the perfect partner. We are all human and all imperfect.
@chaime (1153)
• Philippines
6 May 07
yes, you are right, there are no perfect human being. All of us are imperfect that is why we have to work on our marriage/relationship with who ever we chose as partner. Sometimes, we have this picture in our mind of who are life partner will be and when our actual partner fails to live up to this picture or our expectations then the problem arises. We seek and look for that perfection in others, thus extra marital affairs insues...but we have to realize as you said that nobody's perfect and we have to love and accept the imperfections in our partners for our relationship to flourish and stay on a monogamous basis.
1 person likes this
• United States
7 May 07
once again I agree.. thanks for your wisdom in words my friend !!
• Philippines
5 May 07
I dont think being unfaithful to your partner can be justified. It is not just right. I can never accept it if my husband will eventually have an affair with somebody else and he reasons out that he did it because I cannot give him what the other girl can give. Does it mean it is my fault that he is philandering? Reality check: extra marital affairs really happens, and honestly, I am ready to forgive my husband if in case he cheats on me. But he has to admit first to me and to his self that what he did is wrong, morally and legally. And that no reason is valid for him to justify the act.
• United States
5 May 07
I admire your response here. i too think I would forgive my husband 1 indiscretion. Just 1, anything over that is to me like a slap in the face. Like I said, mistakes can happen, but not several times.
• United States
5 May 07
Your both better than I am! I expect my husband to be a man of integrity. I expect him to remember that I hold myself to the same standard. He really has no desire to cheat, and I trust him 110% And I feel the reason is because we are a family of faith! I'm a good sweet kind wife and he loves me! Some days I dont know why but he does!
1 person likes this
• United States
5 May 07
Rhonda, I don't think I'd like it, or even be very nice about it, but I may forgive it. I have never thought he would cheat on me, not even in our darkest times. It's one of the reasons I lov him so much. I KNOW he would never hurt me that way.
@DeaXyza (577)
• United States
7 May 07
I find it pretty silly & immature that people look outside their marriage... even if it is unhappy marraige! If you have a unhappy marraige then get out of it but to justify an affair I find is wrong. If the partner is abusive then the friends and family should take more active interest in getting the person out of such a destructive marraige as the person could even get killed in this situation the abused or the abuser it could be either one of them! So getting help is the best thing to do in this case ... affair here too is of no use! In a open society like ours where people like britney get married and divorced on whim ... shouldn't a unhappy person just knock the doors of justice to get out of their marraige instead of an affair. People here (in our country )should be more thankful about the open justice system instead of in some countries where divorce is not a outlet at all and a person having affair if caught is killed are we not lucky that we have such a dependable justice system and yet people are foolish to have an affair! I find such people disgusting these are people who want to have their cake and eat it too, They want the stability of marraige and children but the romance of a lifetime with a entirely different person... why can't one be happy with what they have? why can they not romance their own spouses? afterall marraige is the foundation of truth, love and openness why dirty the water with adultery! My thoughts are not dictated by morals or even religon I am more of a practical person and I believe in keeping a home together in love and happiness and not shadow it by one's own selfishness to satiate! Ah Misheleen you are not over-reacting you are just a normal person and nothing wrong with your thinking dear! Thanks for the post
• United States
7 May 07
your words are so true. I feel the same way. It is not even a religious or moral thing. It is just knowing in your heart that it is wrong !!
1 person likes this
6 May 07
after marriage affairs is so dangerous. it is not unhealthy to childrens also with the parrents.
1 person likes this
• United States
6 May 07
thanks for responding
@sweetsue (759)
• Philippines
6 May 07
illicit affair - extra marital affairs
Yeah somtimes these things may seemed too obscure. The only thing that is certain here wether a man or a woman who is unfaithful is both of them are unhappy with their partner or with their marriage. And so they aregrabbing the chance and stubbornly giving in into their weakness and desire. I guess escape mechanism has has something to do with that. They are disturd and unhappy and so they find remedy to just let go for the meantime of the real worst situation.
• United States
6 May 07
thanks for your response.
@makingpots (11920)
• United States
6 May 07
If you once loved and respected a person enough to marry them then you owe them respect enough to say 'something is wrong that is causing me to look outside the marriage for the answer'. Anything other than that is irresponsible and distructive especially when kids are involved. I think that very few people actually believe that they can have an affair and get away with it. It is my opinion that most of these people secretly hope to be caught because then 'the problem' will have to be fixed. The problem that they didn't have the backbone to step up and work on themselves.
1 person likes this
• United States
6 May 07
hmm, secretly wanting to get caught. I never really thought about it that way. Very interesting point.
@rx4life (1931)
• United States
6 May 07
Getting caught is not the worst part...that's just the end result of a cheater and liar disrespecting his/her marriage vows and thinking more of themselves than of their marriage partner. I believe that if you fall out of love, meet someone else, just feel like changing your life that the most important thing you do FIRST is leave the relationship and respect your partner by telling them what is going on...anyone that cheats during the relationship is only thinking of themselves and what they need at the moment...they are impulsive and not honest...if they would end their current relationship first they would save everyone the pain and agony of having to be exposed to their disrespectful ways and hurtful actions...I don't know why people don't think of ohters before they jump in bed with someone else...it is plain and simply self centeredness...someone that doesn't respect or love their partner..someone that needs to be single!!!! Karma is alive and well...and these people will find out how one is repaid for being disloyal...It's common courtesy to stop living, seeing, sleeping with someone before you begin messing up someone elses life....
• United States
6 May 07
very good points. Like I said before, I may be able to understand 1 mistake. After all we are only human, but an ongoing affair, I don't think that is excusable ever.
@kvss_3 (19)
• United States
6 May 07
I don't think there is such a thing as a perfect partner marriage is hard and it takes work and getting involved with someone else will just make things worse I think she needs to talk to her husband and tell him what she needs instead of looking for it elsewhere especially with kids involved because they are the ones it hurts the most
1 person likes this
• United States
6 May 07
yes, the children are always the ones most affected. 2 of which have already been through 1 divorce and many other things too.
@leeesa (885)
• United States
6 May 07
Absolutely not. You marry someone because you vow to be with them and them only. If you want to play around, then you shouldn't be married. If you are unhappily married, then get divorced. Affairs are painful to the other person, even if both marriage partners know the marriage is over. Have some respect and get divorced before you start f'ing around. (Can you tell I've been cheated on?)
1 person likes this
• United States
6 May 07
lol.. yes I can tell. I wonder how... I agree with you though 100%. If you can't be committed, don't commit !!
• Philippines
6 May 07
I think this is called "human dissatisfaction" --- a person's failure to appreciate what he already have and the urge to keep looking for more. There is no such thing as a perfect partner, the same thing as there is no perfect person. Everyone has a positive and negative side of himself. Only through acceptance and the willingness to reconcile each other's differences will a marriage truly last. But reality is, this is much easier said than done. So if you want to fix a marriage that has gone sour, it is no doubt a challege.
1 person likes this
• United States
6 May 07
everything you have said is true. A marriage needs to be worked at, there is compromise and acceptance. You must accept each other as you are.
@musu112 (528)
• United States
6 May 07
Well personally I really hate love triangle and especially the people having extra marital affairs. I really do not understand the concept of having an affair in the presence of ur life partner. Life partner is the one who shares the understanding and trust between the both bujt when it is being faked by the people like this, I am really offended for those.....
1 person likes this
• United States
6 May 07
thanks for your response and I totally agree with you on this one.
• Philippines
5 May 07
I have been in this situation before. as a matter of fact twice have i been involved with women that are married. the first one happened when i was with my old company. She was my agent. She told me they were seperated so i saw no problem with it. however, when we started living together her husband returns to the picture and was making life miserable for us so she decided to leave me and go back to her husband. the second time, She was my highscholl girlfriend. Her huisband was a bum so she left him for me. i gave her everything even bought her a car but then she left. The bottomline and what i learned from these experiences, no matter what you do things arent just right. go for someone single. its easier.
1 person likes this
• United States
6 May 07
I think if someone was married or in a relationship, I would not want to be with them until I knew they were completely available, emotionally & otherwise just for me.
@dbeast (1498)
• India
5 May 07
there is no justification for an extra marital affair.i am totally against it and the thought of it makes me sick.people need to work things out rather than go out of a relationship to look for comfort somewhere else.i once read a beautiful story posted by one of the users as to how to make a relationship work.it was about a guy asking for a divorce from his wife.the wife requests her husband to be with her for a month and that he should carry her to the door everyday of the month just like he did on the marriage day.it is how it rekindles their relationship and how their marriage works.it was really touching and i think things like this must happen.people must try and work things out rather than going out of the realtionship.
• United States
6 May 07
I read that story as well, it was very beautiful. If people just took the time to realize what they have instead of looking for a quick fix.
@pumpkinjam (7135)
• United Kingdom
5 May 07
I think there must be some deeper rooted cause for someone being like that. I don't know about affairs being justified but there are certainly reasons behind them usually. I think most cases are because of something going wrong in a current relationship but I don't understand why anyone would be always looking out for someone else, especially when they have children to think about. There must be something wrong with a person who sets out to have an affair. The best thing they can do is get to the root of the problem and find out what it is that they are really missing because it is usually something missing which makes people stray only they often don't realise what it is or how to get it.
1 person likes this
• United States
6 May 07
This is very true. I think if children are involved, that makes it so much more imperative to do things the right way in a realtionship.
1 person likes this
@charms88 (7540)
• Philippines
5 May 07
I pretty much agreed with you, monkey. But for some reason, a lot of people continue to seek extra curricular activities outside of their marriage. The point here is that if you have high esteem for yourself, if you value morality and your reputation as well, then it is better to be straight all the way. If you are not happy with the marriage, is it better to lay all the cards on the table and be done with it. Some people find a lot of excuses why they are doing it. Marital squabbles, incompatibility, marrying for the wrong reason, or even loneliness. Others are doing it because they are always lured by temptation. If not for all the reasons I stated, then they are simply seeking for attention or are having some problems in their head. We will never know.
• United States
5 May 07
I agree Bunny. I think the person i care about is seeking attention, lives for the attention.
@lucky_witch (2710)
• Philippines
5 May 07
I dont know I should have asked my ex husband when he left me for his new found love hree yers ago... That reality really bites...and it bite so hard... Sometimes I dont know how to explain everything with my two kids..why their daddy is not staying with us... why are we alone in the house... why her classmate have daddy on their graduation day... Ive spent so many sleepless night... then one day... I realize that it happen because he is WEAK and he doesn't deserve a family... Right now... Im in a ne relationship and Im glad to say that we found a new home... Sometimes things happen for a reason we cant explain but whatever it is...in time you will know the reason why... And its a blessing in disguise most of the tme esp when you are the victim in the situation...
1 person likes this
• United States
5 May 07
I am so sorry that you were in such a bad situation. My concern in that this person I love is ruining her life, and everyone elses with it.
@legbamel (179)
• United States
5 May 07
It sounds to me like your friend is in some serious need of counselling to figure out why he or she is unable to have a successful relationship. There is probably a reason that he or she can't find happiness with one person. As for whether or not there is any excuse for cheating, I have a whole article about it. The article is too long to type in here, but you can read it at http://www.helium.com/tm/140893/cheat-simple-question-respect (there are three other articles on the same topic that are linked from there, as well).
• United States
5 May 07
Thanks for the article, I'll check it out. I know she has been to counseling before, but not for this in particular.
• Canada
5 May 07
I have never understood this either . When one person feels they have to look outside the marriage , then this is the time to let their spouse know that there are problems if they ever hope to work things out . There must have been something there at one point for them to marry each other so they really owe it to there spouse to know there are problems so they can work on this together . If you don't fee that you can work out a problem then you need to tell your spouse this and give them the chance to move on as well . I believe this is why it is so much harder when it comes time for a divorce as one has moved on and never bothered to tell the person they were in a relationship with making it harder on the person who thought things were still going fine and then one day they wake up to find their lives for the last number of months or years was all a lie .
1 person likes this
• United States
5 May 07
Exactly. I couldn't agree more. Who wants to wake up one day to "sorry, I don't love you anymore?"