What Would You Do? Some of this is very bizarre.
By gingisnapz
@gingisnapz (738)
United States
June 7, 2007 8:52pm CST
This is a personal question. I don't want to bog anyone down with my problems, but some things have been going on that have been bugging me and sometimes it takes someone else to provide insight. Well, who better to ask than my Mylot friends.
I am 27, but when I was 7 my dad cheated on my mom with a 15 year old girl. We found out he started messing with her when she was 14, which is disgusting. Well, he married her the summer of 1988 when I was 8 and she was 15. Yeah, that is extremely messed up and I still try every day to figure this out. It makes me uncomfortable around him to this day because of that fact. Not so much that she's 34 and I'm 27 and some of my friends are her age, but that she was 14 when he started messing with her.
Well, they are still married. They will be married 19 years next month. Anyway, my stepmother said horrible things about my mom to my brother throughout the years. My dad never made an effort to see us growing up. He saw us when he felt like it and sometimes would go 8 months at a time without seeing us. My stepmother tried to tell my brother that it was all my mom's fault. Well, it wasn't. The divorce papers said every other weekend and/or in compliance with his work schedule since he can work up to 12-18 hour shifts. He's a chemical engineer at a Phenol plant.
Anyway, my brother finally told my mom of these things my stepmother said. My mom confronted her and my stepmother denied none of it. My mom said, "how is it my fault that when my kids were playing in the yard and you two would ride down the street on the motorcycle, you wouldn't turn around to come see them. They hadn't seen you for months and would wait for you two to turn around and you wouldn't?"
Once, when my mom did take us to his house because we were in the neighborhood, he got mad because we didn't call first. That was the last of that.
Anyway, there's the background info and here's the point of the question:
I've been thinking about this stuff. I think about how when my dad wants us there on the holidays he never calls himself. He puts someone else up to it. Since I've been able to drive I've always been the one to make the effort to go see him. I've lived where I'm at for over three years and he's only been to my house twice. I've had it. At Christmas he silenced me because he was watching a movie, so I got up and left. All I wanted to do was talk to my dad and he could've paused the dvd. I hadn't seen him for a couple of months and was telling him about what was going on.
I'm thinking about just letting things go and see how long I go without hearing from him. I want to see if he thinks, "wow, I haven't heard from my daughter for a while, maybe I should call" and maybe he'll call me. I doubt he will though, but I'm tired of being the one to make an effort. It makes me uncomfortable because he has never tried. I've told him and he won't listen, so I'm just not going to talk to him and wait for him to talk to me. It's exhausting going out of my way and him never going out of his. What would you do?
8 people like this
11 responses
@GardenGerty (157650)
• United States
8 Jun 07
I do not call my dad's wife my stepmother, as she was never my mother. I like her, I love her, and she knows it, but that term is misleading. I wouldn't call the child bride step mother if I were in your shoes. She has not been your mother in any way. I would quit chasing after dad, and just let him go. If he realizes at some point what he is missing, let him back into your life, but chances are he won't, so do not pin your hopes on that dream. I would celebrate holidays in a way that makes me feel joyful, and if that is working in a soup kitchen, that is good, you would be loved and appreciated. If it is with your mom, she would appreciate it, too. If it is by yourself, go for it! It is your life. You have been respectful, and still are. Just do not wear your heart out looking for a daddy now. By the way, you do not say if you have a step dad?
@gingisnapz (738)
• United States
8 Jun 07
I had a step dad for nine years. I paid for that divorce to get him out because he shoved me into a door facing and hit my brother. He threw a baseball bat in the floor at my brother's feet and told him to hit him back with it and my brother said, "no, I'm not you." The boy was 13 at the time.
But yeah, I told my husband I'm not going to try to contact my dad anymore, that if he wants to be in my life he needs to make an effort and I'll let him if he decides to do so.
3 people like this
@us2owls (1681)
• United States
8 Jun 07
Sounds to me like you don't have a father but a selfish arrogant idiot with a wife who is just about the same. I think if it was me I would call him on the phone, ask how he is and then politely tell him that if he wants to talk to me he can call me because I would not be calling him any more until he does. I would ignore birthdays and Christmas and I would encourage my brother to do the same. Your Mom raised you without any apparent help from this man - spend your time with her - don't waste it on him. As for his current wife I would refer to her as the woman my father married when she was a teenaged bimbo. I would cut all ties until he made a move.
@gingisnapz (738)
• United States
8 Jun 07
My brother is right with me in this. My mom never talked bad about my dad despite everything that happened, but she is also right with me on this. My brother leaves for the Air Force in November and said before he leaves he wants to tell our father and his wife how he feels. I can't blame him.
1 person likes this
@BarBaraPrz (45568)
• St. Catharines, Ontario
8 Jun 07
Oh, dear, what a lovely life you must have had. Personally, I wouldn't call the girl he married "my stepmother", and the way he's acted over the years, I'd be loath to call him "my dad". I'd be more inclined to refer to him as "the donkey that fathered me" (or something like that). If he hasn't made any effort to relate to you, he's probably not really all that interested anyway. Does he have any children with his child bride? I'd say, save yourself the grief and go on about your own life and forget about him.
3 people like this
@gingisnapz (738)
• United States
8 Jun 07
I like the way you put that.
No, he doesn't have children with her. My mom had him "snipped" after my brother was born since my brother was a joyous "boo boo." Thing is, they were divorced when my brother was two.
Yeah, I feel weird calling her my stepmother since she is the age some of my friends are. One of my best friends turns 34 here in a few days. She even has a hard time swallowing the fact my dad's wife is her age. LOL
3 people like this
@soulgurl (153)
• Malaysia
8 Jun 07
Im not too sure what ill do but I salute you for at least trying to make an effort to catch up with your dad even if he doesnt seem bothered. Its something not everyone can do. But its time to move on..let the past be past.You might have heard it a million times..Im not asking you to forget it completely cause that would be impossible. But try to learn to let go of all the anger and the mixed feelings. I know its never easy to let go of all those feelings that have built up throughout the years but give it a try. Trust me you will feel better not bitter. I'm sure your mom did a great job bringing you up and its definitely a great achievement for her and for you and your brother as well. As for your dad, I feel sorry for him that he is blind to your love and efforts. Im sure deep down he loves you its just that he is finding it difficult to show it. This is just a suggestion, dont stop calling him entirely cause that would make you the same as him. Maybe you can give him a call once in a while but keep it that way.. Concentrate more on your life..channel all your energy and love to your life and your mom and brother. You'll be fine...good luck!
3 people like this
@gingisnapz (738)
• United States
8 Jun 07
I do call him once in a while, but it seems he's comfortable with just that. I called him in February and didn't see him until April. I had to call him on my birthday. He didn't call me. He then said he had a birthday card for me and I could come get it. Yes, I had to come get it, but when I did there was no card. He lied to me (what's new). I had to go back the next day since he had to run to the store and get it that morning.
2 people like this
@fengbo (731)
• China
8 Jun 07
Hi gingisnapz.I'm sorry to heart that,it was so sad.Please save this unhappy things,the best life will ahead of you.I think you will get very happy in you life.
I think i cannot call her stepmother,she was don't my really mother and i don't forgive my father to marriage with others.
2 people like this
@gingisnapz (738)
• United States
8 Jun 07
Thanks for your reply.
Thanks to everyone here bringing to my attention that I called her 'stepmother,' which is something I became very accustomed to, I've found myself calling her 'my dad's wife.' LOL
1 person likes this
@tredale (1309)
• Australia
8 Jun 07
This is very sad, I would have felt the same way you have if it was me in your position. It must be hard to know that he hasnt put much effort in. I dont really know but maybe he isnt worth it and its just a waste of time. This must hurt but you could use that time to be doing something that you like and that actually make you feel needed. I wouldnt call or put any effort in at all sometimes we make all the moves and its not until we stop that people realise how much they need you and if not then hes just wasting your time anyway. Goodluck I hope it all works out for the best.
@gingisnapz (738)
• United States
8 Jun 07
That's exactly what I'm hoping. I'm hoping that he will realize how much he needs me in his life by me not putting in all the effort into the relationship. I was talking to a friend of mine at work who is a minister and he said what I'm doing is definitely not the wrong thing to do. He said he stands by my decision, which meant a lot. He then called his two children to tell them he loves them. They are grown with families of their own and live out of town, so he doesn't get to see them much, but he said he always makes a point to call. It was amazing hearing him say, "I was just talking about you and wanted to call and tell you I love you. That's all I wanted." That was so awesome.
1 person likes this
@samtaylorskykierajen (7977)
• Canada
8 Jun 07
There is a lot more to being a parent then just taking part in the fun to have one . I wouldn't say this man in any way was a father to you . He wasn't there for you when you needed him and it doesn't sound like he is any better now that you are older . He wasn't there to watch you grow or even took the time to visit unless he wanted . As a parent we often do things we don't like or want to do because we care about our children and want to see them happy .
And that woman who calls herself your stepmom has a lot of nerve putting your mom down . Your mom sounds like she was there for you and she had no right putting your mom down to your brother and I hope he realizes this . Your mom was certainly not the one to blame . She is not the one who messed around with a child at that in the relaionship . It makes me wonder where the parents were to your step mother if she was so young and what they Hell they were thinking . There is no difference between what your father did and what some men in jail have done . He took advantage of a child and I don't believe I would want someone like this in my life just because we share the same bloodline .
You should not have to spend your whole life looking for love that should come so easy from a parent and you don't deserve to be treated this way . If he loves you then let him come to you . You owe this man nothing and I can understand you getting tired of this .
Take Care and Best of Luck !!
1 person likes this
@samtaylorskykierajen (7977)
• Canada
13 Jun 07
I am so glad to hear you have such a good relationship with your mom and I know just in how you talk that she did a wonderful job in raising such a beautiful daughter who is very mature . I just hope I can do as well of a job as your mom did .
Take Care !!
@gingisnapz (738)
• United States
8 Jun 07
Whoa. That was very well said. Yes, I am consistently disgusted over his affair with her when she was 14. She missed out on so much. Thing is, when he got with her, her parents got all sorts of things. He got them out of their crappy house and into a nicer one. It was a money thing as far as them allowing the relationship. I'm sure of it.
And yes, my mother did a wonderful job and she did it all alone. She is a beautiful and wonderful woman who has so much respect from me. I was a good kid growing up and I think a lot of it is due to how she raised me. I had a lot of respect for her rules and I realized from the get go that she was alone in the task of raising two children. I was with her when she learned of my dad's affair and at the mere age of 7 was comforting my mom as she cried hysterically.
1 person likes this
@nady100011 (594)
• United Arab Emirates
8 Jun 07
A better life is waiting for you,
You have done more than was supposed from you with no use, so enjoy your life your way and I wish that you'll get married with the one whom deserves you that can make you happy and be like father before husband to you.
And leave this stuff to the days, may be someday he'll change his mind about you and do more care.
@gingisnapz (738)
• United States
8 Jun 07
Thank you so much.
I am married. I have been married to a wonderful man for almost five years and we have been together for almost 7 1/2. He is an amazing man and I look so forward to having a family with him. My husband doesn't want our children around my dad's family. For one, I was sexually abused by one of my dad's nephews when I was a child. It is no secret and I sometimes wonder if that has anything to do with my dad's lack of communication. Yet, I don't know how that would be at the same time.
1 person likes this
@dlkuku (1935)
• United States
8 Jun 07
Having grown up in a similiar situation, I understand where you are coming from. I believe that it is a parent's responsibility to pursue a relationship with a child. If your dad wanted to be there for you, he should have made himself available.
I can count on my hands how many times that I have seen my Dad since I was five years old, I am now 43, and the last time I saw him was 13 years ago.
Now he is in his 60's and has decided that he wants a relationship with me, which is ok, he is still my dad and I love him, but I wonder why he couldn't pursue a relationship with me when I was a child and really needed him.
I really don't have any advice, but just wanted to let you know that someone else understands what you are going through.
2 people like this
@barehugs (8973)
• Canada
8 Jun 07
Its Obvious your dad is not interested, and there's Nothing you can do about that! Hes a Lost cause! You have nothing to lose by putting Him out of your mind entirely!
If I were You, I'd get on with my Life and stop trying to include Him! Its Not like He's Perfect, or Anything!
And for God's Sake don't feel Quilty about your relationship with your father. Its Not your fault Hes a Loser!
1 person likes this
@gingisnapz (738)
• United States
8 Jun 07
He he. Thank you. Everyone here rocks. It has given me so much more confidence in my decision. :)
@srini1984 (10)
• India
8 Jun 07
I really admire the way you have lived with those bitter facts of life. I also admire the way you still want everybody to be together even with those happenings.
Even I have had a slightly similar happening in my life. I have not been in contact with him too as I don't his whereabouts.
I really don't know what to say but I would like to say that just stay away from him. If he needs you he will come. Till the time you make him feel that you need him he will not bother, once he knows that you are now able to manage without him he would feel for you and seek you himself.
It may sound rude or odd but I believe you should not lose your self respect.
Sorry If I have hurt.
1 person likes this
@gingisnapz (738)
• United States
8 Jun 07
oh no, you have said nothing hurtful at all. You are correct. I've been managing without him for quite some time. I never had him even when my parents were married. He was never home and always broke his promises. His broken promises were the cause of some of the fights my parents had. He would promise me he'd be home at a certain time to do something with me and he'd not come home until really late at night. My mom would say, "you told her you'd be here and you weren't. She was very very hurt." 4th of July was the worst because he never came home soon enough to let off my fireworks. I'd be in bed and the fireworks would be waiting on him. I remember crying one year and my mom held me while he let off the fireworks really late at night.
