Why do people cheat on their spouses?

infidelity - why do people cheat?
United States
June 18, 2007 11:56am CST
This is one thing I can not relate to nor understand at all. I think when one makes a commitment to another it should be just that a COMMITMENT. I have started this discussion because I know a couple who are friends of mine and She is married. He is single but only sees her. They only get together on the weekends and spend each and every weekend together. He sees no one else besides her yet she is married! She goes home to her husband all week long! I have been cheated on in the past by my ex-husband whom I thought I had taken a vow WITH for life...until he revealed that he was leaving me for the other woman. It hurt me bad at the time but I am over that now. Any way these friends of mine have been carrying on this affair for over 5 years now. And they think it is perfectly all right! I just can't grasp the whole concept of cheating. Even though I am not married I am in a relationship of two years and I would never even think about going else where! Why do people cheat and think it's okay? Do you know of any one that cheat on their spouses? I could never even say anything to this girls husband I would want to be the one to be the bearer of this bad news. Am I wrong for not saying anything? Would you say something? I guess I just don't want to get involved that deeply. Any and all feedback will greatly help me here. Thanks in advance!
9 people like this
33 responses
@bruxedo (773)
• France
18 Jun 07
I also think that a commitment is something you shouldn't break, but I also know that there are people that need to cheat, not because they don't love each other but only because they can't.. Perhaps because of they don't have a good self-esteem and they need to be flattered and flirt with others.
@babostwick (2037)
• United States
18 Jun 07
I can honestly say it will depend on the situation itself. It could be because of no excitment whatsoever. Cheating isn't right no matter how it looks. Why people cheat I guess because either they don't see each other enough or just simply there's no excitment even they see each other. I don't cheat on people at all nor intend to. I think the best thing to do is probably see how it plays out. If something is going wrong with them and they're down, maybe it would be best by then. I don't know if that's being wrong or not as I've yet to be in a situation or relate to it at all.
2 people like this
@hcromer (2711)
• United States
18 Jun 07
I think people cheat on their spouses because they are either bored with the same old thing or maybe their spouse just isn't fulfilling their needs. Maybe they don't feel like there's a connection anymore. Marriage doesn't mean as much as it used to.
2 people like this
@tinlucy (73)
• Philippines
18 Jun 07
i don't know if they intend to really cheat. i guess the partner does not feel the excitement anymore..of course, some people need affection and attention...and they tend to find it in other people...
2 people like this
@ravinskye (8242)
• United States
18 Jun 07
Well as for your friend, I wouldn't say anything. I know a couple, that the husband cheats on the wife. Not with one steady person though, he just sleeps around. Everyone of their friends knows about it but no one tells the wife. I couldn't believe it, then I saw why. She is so in love with her husband, and he makes her happy and takes care of her and the kids. The only thing that would be accomplished by telling her would be to crush her and her kids. I think sometimes people cheat and its possible to see why, but I think that cheating while in a marriage is much much worse. i was in a relationship that I wanted out of, but every time i tried he threated to kill himself. I ended up cheating on him before we finally broke up. i was only 18 though.. I think that its best to just keep out of it. Eventually the truth will come out
@syain1972 (1011)
• Singapore
19 Jun 07
I am myself baffled by this. I really don't understand why people tend to cheat their partners after all the trouble of getting married and so forth. I have been victimised myself and it really took a toll on me. I question myself what have I done wrong and after all the sacrifices I've made, I just cannot understand.... Till this day, eventhough we have so called patched things up, the pain is still there and it's difficult to trust 100%. If I were in your position, I would write an anonymous letter to the husband and informing him of the infidelity... It's up to him to believe or not.... I know this is going to wreck the marriage but maybe there'll be a chance of them going to a marriage counsellor to try to remedy the situation.....
1 person likes this
• United States
19 Jun 07
I disagree with the notion of the letter. Even anonymous, it'll probably get traced back to her, and in my experience, no one is grateful to the bearer of this kind of news, and quite often all will turn on the intended do-gooder.
1 person likes this
@Marie2473 (8519)
• Sweden
23 Jun 07
I was cheated on and it hurts. I really wish someone had told me sooner, instead I had to find out myself by caughting them in the act. I now have info that ALot of people knew and yet, noone bothered to tell me and that hurts as well. If a friend of mine was beeing cheated on I would give the person cheating a chanse to come clean himself, if not then I would tell myself.
1 person likes this
• United States
20 Jun 07
Telling your friend's husband may only cause him to wonder: If she knew, who else knew. He could walk around looking at ppl and wondering if they knew he was being cheated on. It is a very humilitating feeling. In addition he may begin to question whether her current lover is the only one, which could then cause him to wonder everytime he saw a man, any man if his wife had slept with him too. You may only be causing your friend's husband more grief by telling him what you know. There is a very real possibility he already knows if this has been going on for over 5 yrs. He probabably chooses to ignore it. Maybe he loves her too much to risk losing her by forcing her to choose. or maybe there are other factors you are unaware of. Could the husband be cheating as well? Do they have an " open" marriage? There are too many variables for you to take into consideration. My ex was unable to stay faithful. I still do not know why, and wonder how I was lacking. My self-esteem took a major nose-dive when I realized he was constantly cheating. Yeah, I know now it wasn't me, but then I really just couldn't understand where I was going wrong and why I couldn't keep my husband happy. I had my reasons for finally closing my eyes to it all. My children. I also didn't have enough self-confidence left to believe I could make it on my own with the children to support. As much as I hate to say you should not tell him. I think it's for the best. He must know after all this time. He just closes his eyes for reasons you may never know. Don't hurt him even more by letting him know other ppl know what is going on. In the midst of all the hurt and anger this would bring all three parties intimitly involved, you could be hurt also. If you feel you must do or say something, say it to your friend. If you lose her because of it. No big loss really.
1 person likes this
• United States
20 Jun 07
Telling your friend's husband may only cause him to wonder: If she knew, who else knew. He could walk around looking at ppl and wondering if they knew he was being cheated on. It is a very humilitating feeling. In addition he may begin to question whether her current lover is the only one, which could then cause him to wonder everytime he saw a man, any man if his wife had slept with him too. You may only be causing your friend's husband more grief by telling him what you know. There is a very real possibility he already knows if this has been going on for over 5 yrs. He probabably chooses to ignore it. Maybe he loves her too much to risk losing her by forcing her to choose. or maybe there are other factors you are unaware of. Could the husband be cheating as well? Do they have an " open" marriage? There are too many variables for you to take into consideration. My ex was unable to stay faithful. I still do not know why, and wonder how I was lacking. My self-esteem took a major nose-dive when I realized he was constantly cheating. Yeah, I know now it wasn't me, but then I really just couldn't understand where I was going wrong and why I couldn't keep my husband happy. I had my reasons for finally closing my eyes to it all. My children. I also didn't have enough self-confidence left to believe I could make it on my own with the children to support. As much as I hate to say you should not tell him. I think it's for the best. He must know after all this time. He just closes his eyes for reasons you may never know. Don't hurt him even more by letting him know other ppl know what is going on. In the midst of all the hurt and anger this would bring all three parties intimitly involved, you could be hurt also. If you feel you must do or say something, say it to your friend. If you lose her because of it. No big loss really.
1 person likes this
19 Jun 07
I think people cheat out of boredem. Or they feel unsecure and they want to prove to themselves that they are still atractive and desireble... Or they just don't love their spouse anymore. That is why I'll never get married. I don't know if me or the guy I'd marry could keep those promises for life.
1 person likes this
@ntotsch (19)
• United States
19 Jun 07
Some people cheat because they have low self esteem, and they get a rush from it. Other's its simply because they can, and some because their missing something at home. Whatever the excuse, cheating is still wrong. If i were you, i don't know how bold you are, but i would go to the cheating party first, and give them a chance to confess. Depending on how well you know these people, is it possible they have an open arrangement? I know some couples have an open marriage where they dont' see anything wrong with the both of them seeing others while remaining married.
1 person likes this
@whyaskq (7531)
• Singapore
19 Jun 07
When a commitment is broken, often there is a reason for it. In my opinion, it is not just the spouse's fault. Both are liable to take the responsibility for one party's infidelity. I have been betrayed before. I too have strayed. I realised that one strayed because one is deprived of either one or all of these factors : security, love, care, concern, comfort or even thrill. He seeks another party to compensate for his lack, not so much about him forgetting or intentionally breaking the commitment. Of course, there are some who are guilty of doing it intentionally and unreasonably. Some did it for real love, which come later after one is committed to a relationship, unfortunately.
1 person likes this
@fengbo (731)
• China
19 Jun 07
yeah,i have see about this things,so many person cheat on their spouses.Sometime i looked the man cheat on they spouses,i know this things are usually happened in the men,they find the second woman after they have the first woman.The man like the new things,also like together with the new woman.The man seeking for stimulate and softness.But in our country,if they has been marriage,this case was happened seldom,i think the marry is a good way to prevent people from cheat on their spouses.what do you think of? It's just my opinion,i don't the correct or wrong.hehe....
@meljessxena (2317)
• Australia
19 Jun 07
i dont know how someone could do that to their lover, well they mustnt be inlove i think if they could do that. i know a person cheating on their wife, and saying that he going to leave her and all this rubbish for this new girlfriend, but why cheat is my question. i couldnt tell someone. probably wrong of me but i just dont like getting into other people personal life
1 person likes this
@l_xin80 (109)
19 Jun 07
relationship is hard
1 person likes this
@pranav04 (67)
• India
19 Jun 07
Hi, we can not cheat to our friend.if we have any problem no body can help us. thanks.
1 person likes this
@stella1989 (2274)
• India
19 Jun 07
I must say thats life..!! I know one of my uncle who cheated on his wife almost unlimited times..!! In their family she is the only one who earns and my uncle just don't do any thing..!! Or he don't "want" to do any thing (I don't know what the truth is?) But What I know that he is a BIG cheater..!! He cheated on his wife almost unlimited time. Thats is very frustrating to know that your own uncle is involved in such activites!! May be its human nature as they "never get satisfied". Which calls for "compromising with the things" but some people fail to compromise. My mother and father have so many fights .....sometimes it sounds like life has come to its end now..and they are getting divorced..!! "Divorce" This word scares me a lot as we were the one who will be going to suffer like hell. But thanks to my mom and dad they compromised just for "us" now me and my brother both are adult and my parents are in "love" again..!! :) See thats called happy ending I hope them to remain in love till the last date of their lives..and even after that!! I love it when I see my parents walk in the night holding hands together behind us while eating "ice cream". I wish life not to change.
1 person likes this
@navtech (1776)
• India
19 Jun 07
Hi sjohnson, It is a life; circumstances and situation force people to adopt a digression from the established custom, revered tradition, cherished belief. What you stated is happening all over the world. Such incidents are also happening in our most conservative society. Somebody's devition from the commitment generally affects the other people. Always take into consideration one point, that is, if you are not affected by devition of custom, tradition and belief of other people, do not give importance because they will have an answer to their behaviour but you will get bad name for exposing it.
• India
19 Jun 07
I was in this position one but at a moch more intimate level. i knew that my father was cheating on my mother. I was very resenful with my father after I found out. I kept keeping tabs on him and that other woman for sometime, but I couldnt bring myself to tell my mother. it would have shattered her life. My father was happy and my mother was happy. So i just shut up and hoped se would never find out. But my father told her a little later when he suspected I knew. But somehow they are happy now, so I dont bother nowadays.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
19 Jun 07
Obviously, it's because men are polygamous by nature!
1 person likes this