Do I have the right to be called grandmother

@suspenseful (40312)
Canada
June 26, 2007 3:17pm CST
My older adoptive son and his wife just had their first child, a beautiful little girl with dark hair and red eyebrows that will mean she will either have auburn hair or red hair when she grows. My daughter-in-law has her mother and her stepmother, but where do I stand? I have seen the baby twice, but they have probably been over more and when my husband was talking to our son over the phone, he said "We don't want to bother you." It really hurt and I wondered whether had I given birth to my two sons would he have said, "if you need us, we will be over." I cannot drive, I do not have a license so the only time I can see the baby is when we go over or they come over to our house, What are your thoughts on this matter? Am I a real grandmother even though I am an adoptive mother?
11 people like this
20 responses
@mrsbrian (1950)
• United States
26 Jun 07
Certainly you are the legal grandmother as you have adopted the son long ago,why would they get the impression that you didnt want to be bothered? Do they live close enough to come over often? Make an offer to babysit the baby so they can have a evening alone or just go shopping oe something like that.Also it could be the daughter -in law pulling the strings so dont take it out on yourself.
3 people like this
• United States
26 Jun 07
I think you are overreacting just a little. You may want to talk to your family about how you feel. You are a grandmother. I think you may need to look more into the matter. I think they love you very much, and the baby needs more than one grandmother. You will be fine. Don't feel bad, talk about it first. You may be surprised to find that they love you and appreciate you more than you realize. I'll send you my blessings. I hope all goes well.
3 people like this
@suspenseful (40312)
• Canada
26 Jun 07
Thanks. I am very sensitive.
3 people like this
• Canada
27 Jun 07
Trust me that kind of sensitivity ruins relationship! Learn to get over thing and to put things aside. More then like half of your feelings and thoughts never crossed anyone mind and won't understand where your coming from. Step out of your comfort zone and put your arms around your children and make it known you are Grandma! I think I can relate to your son when he says they don't want to bother you. I never wanted to bother my parents either. My parents always gave us the feeling that we were a bother. Just think about it. Maybe there is a reason they are feeling like they dont' want to bother you. At the same time I bet he is longing for you to be more forthright in acting like the babies grandma. Get in there show more excitment call for no reason and ask how every one is doing and ask if there is anything you can do. Don't let your insecurities ruin a beautiful thing!
2 people like this
@suspenseful (40312)
• Canada
12 Jul 07
I am rather quiet and reserved, but I think it has more to do with how the situation with adoption evolved then with me and I am sensitive. I suspect my husband's statements to me to hold the baby's head properly have something to do with that. If I had given birth to my sons, he would not have said that and if I had not had a daughter that I gave up for adoption years before I met him, he would not have said that either.
2 people like this
• Canada
13 Jul 07
You have a lot of hurts inside! I hope you find a way to heal so that they don't interfere with your relationships! Especially your children? I am sure your husband meant no harm but because you have deep hurts his words are taken in the wrong way and the same with your sons! I use to have hurts like that inside to. I took a lot of things the wrong way years ago. I don't anymore because I have let those hurts heal I hope you can too.
2 people like this
@dfollin (17505)
• United States
29 Jul 07
I think you might be letting the hurt of giving up your daughter making you too sensetive.Someone saying to you hold her head better does not have anything to do with you being an adoptive mother.I gave birth to 3 kids,babysat lots of kids,babysat my niece,have been a preschool teacher and worked in the nursery at church.I had even babysat my step grandson,when they lived around here.But,my grandaugher's mother still told me to watch her head.And her mother kept telling her that she thought I knew how to hold a baby by now.So,it has nothing to do with you being an adoptive mom.I've never adopted a child and I was still told that with my flesh and blood grandaughter.I do not understand how you say that he wouldn't of said that if you had been your son's birth mother.
1 person likes this
• United States
27 Jun 07
Considering you adopted your son, then yes you have the right to be called grandmother. My mom has a phrase. "When a daughter gets married you gain a son. When a son gets married, you lose a son." Basically she means that the husband does what the wife wants, and it's usually to spend more time with her own family than with his. It doesn't matter if you get on well with her or not, she is not your daughter, and she may feel uncomfortable around you, especially in this new and momentous role as a mother. She wants HER mother around, unfortunately, not you. If your son were to say, "Darling, I want to go see my parents", odds are his wife would agree, however, as a man, he's not going to do that. It's his wife who reminds him to do that, and right now, she's distracted. My suggestion is to call his wife, and ask her how she is doing first, new mom's feel left out sometimes because everyone is so focused on the new baby, they kind of get pushed to the side, and then ask about the baby. While doing that, you can mention, to her, that you guys are available if they need anything. Ask her if they are available to have dinner with you and your husband, maybe a couple of times a month, depending on if they live local or not. Try to connect with his wife, especially now that she has a new little one, and she will push her husband to be more involved with you.
@suspenseful (40312)
• Canada
17 Jul 07
I should do that, but it is mainly my husband not my son who is doing the do not bother them bit and I am sensitive. He does not understand how I feel, that I never got to be around a newborn that much, because we adopted the boys when they were three months old. I do want to help, but I do not drive and cannot go over as much as I would like.
1 person likes this
@dfollin (17505)
• United States
29 Jul 07
You are worrying about what your husband says too much.Just go on,go around him and be a grandma and then he will later see your joy and what a part of being a grandparent.Like serialmom said,talk to your daughter-in-law,go around your husband.
• United States
27 Jun 07
You raised your son? You are the only mother he has ever nown? Then you are the baby's grandmother.You should talk to your son and tell him you want to see more of your grandchild. Is this your first grand child? If so, you should insist that you do more. Tell him you need the practice, how else will you know how to spoil the next grand children?So talk to your son and I bet you will get to see your grandbaby more. Good Luck. Take Care.
2 people like this
@suspenseful (40312)
• Canada
17 Jul 07
I have to depend on my husband to drive me to see them. That is the trouble. It is a long way to walk. I wish they could come over here, but they have been busy. Trouble is the other grandparents can drive and I cannot. I also do not like my husband telling me that we do not need to bother then.
2 people like this
@dfollin (17505)
• United States
29 Jul 07
It sounds like to me that your husband is being a lazy grandfather.Call your son and ask if if you can come over.Then just tell your husband that they are expecting you.
1 person likes this
@devilsangel (1817)
• United States
27 Jun 07
I understand how you feel a bit I really do. My parents aren't my birth parents either and at times I think they wonder if sometimes they aren't needed anymore. My mother told me that she doesn't expect my children to call her grandma and if they don't want to she won't force them to. I just looked at her a bit shocked. To me she is their grandmother, maybe not by blood but by everything else that counts. Just like to me her mother is my grandmother. Well she's Nanna but its still the same thing. In my case I came into the family at an when I was almost practicly an adult. I'll tell you like this though. Blood doesn't make the faimly, the people in it do. I would sit and tell your son how you feel. He might not even realize whats going on and the fact that he's hurt your feelings.
2 people like this
@suspenseful (40312)
• Canada
12 Jul 07
It was not my son who hurt my feelings. It was my husband who said we shouldn't bother them. I felt that if I were my son's birth parent, he would not have said it.
1 person likes this
@dfollin (17505)
• United States
29 Jul 07
devilsangel,you are absolutley correct,blood does not make the family,the people do. I think you are being too worried about what your husband says.Call them as much as you want and then maybe they will get the idea that they should bring her to you more or come get you.
1 person likes this
@psyche49f (2504)
• Philippines
27 Jun 07
Of course, you are still the grandmom under the circumstance that you are in..I understand your concern, and also your excitement to see and visit the new baby in the family. Even if your son may not have meant to hurt you, but I understand how you felt about being told that they, your son, don't want to bother you. But you can always visit them especially the baby if you can, there's nothing wrong with it. After all, you are family, and no one can prevent you from visiting your grandchild.
@suspenseful (40312)
• Canada
12 Jul 07
It is my husband as well. He thinks we should not bother them, but I think we are retired, we have the car, so why not drop over. I suspect he thinks adopted mothers are not as good as natural mothers. That is what is bothering me.
1 person likes this
@dfollin (17505)
• United States
29 Jul 07
Iam sorry,but men don't always think logically and they do not understand how a woman,mother,grandmother feels.
1 person likes this
@amyann16 (414)
• United States
27 Jun 07
You are definitely a real grandmother. I don't think the issue revolves around your son being adoptive or biological. It really just sounds like he doesn't realize that you really would like to be more involved with your granddaughter. I would suggest you make a concious effort to invite them over, give them a call and offer to watch the baby on a Friday night so they can go to a movie, etc.
2 people like this
@suspenseful (40312)
• Canada
20 Jul 07
That sounds like a good idea. We really should have them over.
1 person likes this
• United States
27 Jun 07
My stepdaughter calls my mom and dad "grandma and grandpa". I figure in todays world kids can use all the grandparents they can get. So I would say yes you are a grandparent.
2 people like this
@suspenseful (40312)
• Canada
20 Jul 07
I feel like one. The trouble is I feel sensitive about the issue.
1 person likes this
@foxyfire33 (10007)
• United States
26 Jun 07
I don't see why you wouldn't be this baby's grandmother. It is the child of your son. It shouldn't matter how you became his mother. I would guess that they are probably just feeling protective like most first time parents. They might also think that now that you have your children raised you're enjoying your "freedom" and they don't want to interfere with your "life" in that way. Just talk to your son and I'm sure the problem will be easily solved. I'm not an adoptive mother or even a "step-mother" but I know I have every intention of enjoying any babies that my s/o's children have as if they are my grandchildren even though they will probably start coming long before I'll be "old enough" to be a grandmother....I'm only 11 years older than his son.
2 people like this
@suspenseful (40312)
• Canada
12 Jul 07
I don't mind the interference. I know my husband loves his freedom, but I miss having that time when my boys were small and now this granddaughter comes alone, and I would love to fuss over her and take care of her.
1 person likes this
@moomincat (321)
26 Jun 07
How lovely. What a wonderful priviledge you have welcoming another little life into your family. A real blessing. As your relationship grows it will be rewarded when this little person calls you grandma. Its a special thing between the two of you. Enjoy.
@suspenseful (40312)
• Canada
12 Jul 07
Thank you. You made me feel much better.
1 person likes this
• Canada
26 Jun 07
If you are a mother to your son, adoptive or otherwise, then you are a grandmother to his children, be they adopted too, or biological. Grandmother isn't in how often you see the children, it's about who yu are in the family.
2 people like this
@suspenseful (40312)
• Canada
12 Jul 07
Thanks. That makes me feel better. It is just that my husband thinks I am not a natural mother by his comment in that he told me to hold the baby's head to support her. Had I been a birth mother, he would not have said that.
1 person likes this
@carpenter5 (6786)
• United States
25 Sep 07
I think that your adoptive son needs to be horsewhipped. I don't believe that being a blood relative makes you any more or less a mother. That's just sad. I hope that by now, he has come to his senses and will bring the baby over more. If not...call him and say "I want to see the baby." period. Don't give him an option. Yes, it is your grandchild too!
@suspenseful (40312)
• Canada
29 Sep 07
It was not him who said it, it was the idea I got from here other adoptive mothers and from my husband who seems to think we should not bother my son and daughter-in-law so much because they have other grandmothers. Well these grandmothers have drivers licenses, and live close by. I don't.
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Oct 07
I'm going to say this mother to mother. Tell your husband to get a life. That is your grandchild and you have the right to be a grandmother. I would never think to tell my stepfather that he couldn't see my kids. I don't get along with him well, but he loves my children.
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40312)
• Canada
2 Oct 07
Thanks I will tell him how I feel.
@williamjisir (22887)
• China
23 Aug 07
Since the relationship between you and your adoptive son exists, for sure you have the right to be called grandmother. You have taken so much trouble bringing him up with your own money, your energy and your time, etc, treating him like your own son. It is really not easy for you and your husband. Anyway it is not nice of him to say that they don't want to bother you, which is not the attitude he holds. I hope that you are happy and now your adpotive son and daughter-in-law come to see you often. He should understand the feeling of a mother and father so nice and kind to him.
@suspenseful (40312)
• Canada
25 Aug 07
He does, it is just that they are new parents and I am a bit more sensitive.
1 person likes this
• China
25 Aug 07
So he is now coming to see you more often. It is good for him to pay a frequent visit to you. And since you have realized that you are a little bit sensitive, I think that you will later have a very good relationship as before. Be blessed, friend.
1 person likes this
@dfollin (17505)
• United States
14 Jul 07
I have two son's,that are my birth son's.My youngest son was engaged to a girl that already has a child and they had a baby.The first three months of her life I saw her three times and they only lived 5 blocks down the street with her mom and stepdad.Her other daughter I asked her to call me grandma too.She has nothing to do with her birth father's family.I found that if it's your son's child,not your daughter's then those grandparents have a closer relationship unless they live far away or if they live with you.Iam begining to think that is just life.My son and that girl broke up and I have seen my own grandaughter and he has seen his own daughter maybe once in six weeks.I really don't think it has anything to do with adoption.The mother is closer to the baby and she is close to her parent's so they spend more time together.
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40312)
• Canada
20 Jul 07
We were over the other day, and everything is a bit better. Her parents live about the same distance, but her mother can drive and I can't, so they have a better advantage. But it seems that us being over is dependent on what my husband does, not me.
1 person likes this
@dfollin (17505)
• United States
29 Jul 07
I still think that you should go around your husband and talk to your daughter -in-law.
• Canada
26 Aug 07
Congratulations on your new granddaughter, suspenseful! Of course you ARE her grandmother. Whether or not her father is natural born or adopted makes no difference. You raised him as your son, didn't you? In my book, that makes you Grandma. And don't mind what your husband said--sometimes men just blurt out stuff without thinking. I will just laugh it off. As for your son saying they don't want to bother you, sometimes you have to read between the lines. Maybe he is really saying that he would love for you to offer to come see the baby and them. Just think of the new baby and how wonderful it would be to cuddle her. I had a stroke last year and although I love babies, I cannot hold them while I am standing up, but I will sit down and ask to hold the baby. I explain that I would like them to support my arm while I am holding the baby, because of weakness in my left arm. But I don't let that hold me back, I just ask to hold the baby. I wouldn't hold off enjoying that baby if I were you. You deserve to be in her life, as you shared your life with her father, your son. Blessings to you, my friend!
@suspenseful (40312)
• Canada
30 Aug 07
We're all going to Saskatoon for our niece's wedding so we'll see more of her then.
• India
17 Jul 07
Hello suspenseful, Sometime adoptive relations do have close and strong attachments.Newly born cute is a right of it's grandmother(blood or adopted). SO pl.don't hesitate,go and meet your grandchild. As soon as you see and take the baby all your queries will be over.
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40312)
• Canada
20 Jul 07
I already seen her about four times. It is just because I adopted my son, that I got a feeling from my husband that I need help in holding my grandchild, that women who give birth are better at holding babies than adoptive mothers, plus his remarks not to bother them really hurt. It's as if he were saying that when one gives birth one gets an instinctive ability to care for children, but adoptive mothers do not have that ability, they do not have that bond and they will do stupid things like drop a baby or not know how to hold her etc. Anyway I never seen anyone say to a birth mother, "Now this is the way to hold her (or his) head to support it."
@Lindalinda (4112)
• Canada
12 Jul 07
Of course you are a real grandmother since you raised your son as your own. Bear in mind that with a new baby the couple is very preoccupied and have to deal with new things and problems. You should not be hurt by your son's comment. Why are you hurt? Be cheerful and invite the young family over as often as you can and if they say no accept it gracefully. Be supportive but let the visits be on their terms. Offer any help you can, suggest to your husband that you go over to their place for the day when the baby is older so the young couple can have a day for themselves to go shopping or just enjoy each other without worry. I am sure your son loves you as he always has, but his own family is now number one.
• United States
28 Aug 07
There is a saying that I have heard before, "Anyone can be a father (biological), but it takes a special person to be a daddy." In other words, it doesn't or shouldn't matter whether you are biologically a person's relative or not, you may just be 10 times more of a grandmother to that child than the actual, real, biological grandparent or parent! So yes, you can be a real grandmother absolutely!
@artemis432 (7474)
• Abernathy, Texas
23 Aug 07
Absolutely an adoptive mother has a right to be a grandmother. Suspensful, thank you for sharing with such honesty.