Have i done the right thing?

@Mahini (14)
Australia
July 9, 2007 9:46pm CST
I have a 16 year old son from a previous relationship and have 3 children to my second husband... my 16 year old son does not get along with his 7 year old sister and im always stepping between them to sort out fights ... yesterday he punched her with some force, thank goodness it was only her arm that he got ... i called his father to come and get him and told him that he couldnt return till everyone has calmed down ... the thing is he is 16 but i would have to say that he behaves more like a 12 year old when it comes to socalising ... it broke my heart to see the pain that he caused his sister ... should i have kept him here to sort things out or have i done the right thing?
4 people like this
15 responses
@mamasan34 (6520)
• United States
10 Jul 07
That is a very difficult situation. I think that you did right by removing your son from the situation and for the safety of your daughter. It is quite obvious there is a underlying problem here. You need to get to the root of it. Is he experiencing some type of jealousy towards his younger siblings? If at all possible, I would have him in for some counseling. I know some people aren't able to do that becuase they don't have insurance, but you can check with local agencies and they sometimes work on a sliding scale and able to help families without insurance. You have to nip this in the bud, or it will only get worse. I hope you the best.
2 people like this
@Mahini (14)
• Australia
10 Jul 07
I think that you are right and it is a jealousy thing, ive had many discussions with him concerning this but because i have three small children 7 , 5 and 3 year olds they do take up alot of my time because they are very demanding . I like to think that the time i spend with my 16 year old at night once they are in bed is quality time but i dont think he sees it that way ... its very hard i love them all the same thankyou for your advice and ill look into seeing what i can do for him
3 people like this
@mamasan34 (6520)
• United States
10 Jul 07
I know it must be hard to split your time between three children! My daughter is 12 and she has 2 half sisters. I just thought of this and it might be a combination of many things that is bothering him. He might be jealous of the time you invest in the other children because they are younger and demand more attention, also, they are fathered by someone else that is presently in the house. He might have a jealousy about that as well. My duaghter went through that and it was difficult for a very long period of time. So, I hope you can get it figured out. Your heart must be breaking. It is so hard to be a mom.
2 people like this
@shrekk (561)
• Pakistan
10 Jul 07
You did the right thing no doubt, your son needs to be told why it was wrong and besides, the "sorting-things-out" has happened many times before but didn't stop this going on, did it? So that would be wasting time. In fact,you should add it that your son be told to say sorry to his sister for that.
@archer1811 (1098)
• Philippines
10 Jul 07
Hi mahini! maybe your older son just want to get attention from you because he dont have his father around him, some children that grown up without their father beside them act that way sometimes naughty but all they need and seeking is attention from their father that they dont ever feel. You're in a difficult situation because as you have siad he already 16 years old and still acting like that, by his age he should know how to deal with his sisters even they have different fathers. Why dont you talk to him and discuss him the importance of having siblings even with different father, tell him that you love him even if he already have siblings. Hope someday your son wont give you headache anymore.
2 people like this
• United States
10 Jul 07
I can not believe a 16 year old boy punched a 7 year old girl! That is TERRIBLE, no matter what the issues between them. I think you def. did the right thing by getting him out of the house. And I think you, your ex AND your husband all should sit down with him and talk to him about it, be harsh in his punishment! What he did is a very very bad offense, and he could have been arrested if you had called the cops. I'm sorry...I'm talking harsh about your son, but TERRIBLE actions on his part. You need to give him some hard punishment!
1 person likes this
• United States
10 Jul 07
A 16 year old cannot be arrested. He can only be detained and then brought to junvenille hall. There is a very slim chance that he would even go to juve, because the court would be likely to sentence him to counselling anyways. Cheers
@maddysmommy (16232)
• United States
10 Jul 07
I think you handled this well. Maybe your son is a little jealous of the other 3 children and may feel left out or alone at times. I think your a good Mom for trying to make it easy on your children. It must be hard for sure.
1 person likes this
@nhea0327 (20)
• Las Pinas City, Philippines
10 Jul 07
First of all, I feel for you. I also have a daughter from my first marriage. She's intelligent but sometimes very annoying. Somehow she just would not listen. Being fair to both kids is hard specially in this kind of situation. But, we cannot do anything but to show both sides that we are not siding with anyone. Your son's behavior is indeed unacceptable. You should make him understand that being physical is not the answer. Have you tried talking to him?..As in, one on one?...do it with your arms around him... Look into his eyes and tell him how much you love him. No matter what trouble he caused. At the same time, tell him how special he is. Give him the thought that you are willing to listen no matter how hard it is to understand. then, ask him what's wrong...if there is anything that bothers him. Make him feel that you care. Probably he is just not over the part that he has to accept a new member of the family. Don't tell him that, but...let him feel special again. This practice will not give you instant result. You have to do this with your whole heart too... be a parent. It may take days, weeks, even months before he realizes that ..yah, my parents do still love me. Maybe, after realizing that...he would do the same to you and his sister. He would start to be more calm and open to you. Usually COMMUNICATION is what is lacking in one family. Next time, if this thing happens again....don't shove him off. It hurts to see what each children does to each other. but, we must not forget. We don't know the root for each action our children have caused. deal with it like a parent. show them that you will not give up until everyone starts loving each other. So, Goodluck to you...I wish well for your family....GOD BLESS
@jbrooks0127 (2326)
• United States
10 Jul 07
It all depends upon what his father does about this. If he takes this opportunity to impress on him that you do not hit girls.....ever....no matter how mad you are then you have done the right thing. If however he does nothing you may have been just as well off keeping him and trying to do that yourself. This is a very difficult age. Girls at this age may not fight but they have their own problems you will have to deal with. Having gone through that I am not sure which is better. A boy that is 16...if not controlled can cause a lot of damage to a girl if hit in the wrong place as you well know. So one way or the other he needs to understand that even though sisters can really make you mad you don't hit. Did you do the right thing? Ask his father how he handled this. That will tell you all you need to know.
1 person likes this
• United States
11 Jul 07
I would have to say that you did the right thing. Sometimes it is just best to remove a person before something worse happens. You have to think about the safty of all partys involved and that what it sounds like you did.
@Mahini (14)
• Australia
11 Jul 07
Thankyou so much to everybody you have made me feel better in knowing that you think i have done the right thing in removing him ... he still isnt back although i took him out for a milkshake last night and we had a very good talk ...he realises what he did is very bad and will continue to have some time out away from the family ...this is his decission and i think its a good one ... i told him as i always do that i love him exactly the same as my other children ... when he comes back he will be saying sorry to his sister but not just like that ...he will be telling her how bad it was that he did what he did ... so thankyou very much for your support and kids words ...Regards ...Mahini
@Mahini (14)
• Australia
11 Jul 07
Hello again ...i feel so silly the last bit of that was not meant to say kids words it was meant to say kind words ... just goes to show that i should have checked it b4 i posted it sorry ...spose ill laugh about it later but at the moment i feel like a dill :)
• United States
12 Jul 07
I think a temporary separation to keep everyone safe is probably a good idea. I would definitely follow up with some family counseling, though. It's likely that he is feeling rejected in favor of the "new" family, and having to be sent away (although it does seem that it was necessary) could make that worse. I think you did the right thing in the moment, just be sure to sort things out later and find ways to let him know you love him as much as his siblings. One thing you might point out is that you love him too much to allow him to hurt his sister.
@Mahini (14)
• Australia
13 Jul 07
One of my hardest roles as a mother has been to convince all my children that i love them equaly ... we have had a wonderful chat... it was very rewarding ...not only does he feel better but so do i ... i remind him all the time how much i love him and try to devide my time between them as best i can ... ive tried to make him understand that because the other kids are younger they need me that little bit more than he does and that i dont want to be just his mother i want to be his friend as well ...or is it to hard to have both? i dont know ...
@AnisReyn (57)
• United States
16 Jul 07
I think you handled it the right way. I have 4 boys the older 2 are from diffrent fathers and the last 2 are from my husband of 7 years. The older boys would fight a mung themselves alot. when the older of the last 2 boys came they did not like the baby and would push him down if he got in there way of the video games. I would tell them that what they did was unnessary and they should not do that to there little brother. I would always stress to them that the action they show the little ones will mimic when they the little ones grow up. I tell them all that they are there brothers keepers and they have a part of showing them right from wrong in life. I try to spend time with all of them in actives or just 10-30mins a day with all of them with conversations or doing something they like to do. It could be a short game of basketball or a video game they like to play.
@chrys84 (118)
• United States
10 Jul 07
Oh my gosh. That is very heartbreaking. I wouldn't want to say anything to criticize your parenting, but what would compell a 16 year old to hit a 7 year hold. You would think at that age he'd know better, 1. not to hit a girl and 2. especially not a 7 year old girl. I don't think you did wrong by sending him to his dad's at all. I think that was the right thing to do, you should have also told his father to repremand him for what he did and to explain to him that he is almost a man and he shouldn't use fighting to end any confrontation especially with family members. If you hadn't already done so. good luck with that. i'm so sorry for you!
@nic24uk (571)
10 Jul 07
i think you did the right thing by removing him untill things calmed down. hes old enough to know better and he shouldnt be hitting his 7 year old sister like that. lads do take longer to mature when i was his age i had my own house and a child of my own to look after. he needs to be told he cant carry on like that his behavor could cause psychological problems for your daughter in later life. hes almost an adult. if he cant control his temper then maybe he should live somewhere else maybe with his dad.
@DRoddy77 (1776)
• United States
10 Jul 07
Wow thats a tough situation but you have to protect your daughter and he is well old enough to know how to behave! Tell him if he wants to come back you will have some strict rules for him and if he doesn't follow them then it's back to his dads!
@xkristalx (231)
• United States
10 Jul 07
I don't think you did the wrong thing. He should be punished on top of that. There is no excuse to hit someone out of anger! Espically someone almost TEN years younger than you. He was being a bully. I fight with my little brother, but I don't ever hurt him out of anger.
@diannebcrs (1549)
• Philippines
10 Jul 07
some 16 year olds are still immature.. well 16 year olds aren' that much of grown ups, are they? perhaps, he's thinking that his sister is getting more attention frm you that's why he doesn't want to get along with her. sending him away can hurt him, though. he might think that you wanted to shut him out.. :(