An Anniversay: A Year Ago

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I have to admit, in many ways I've been in a "weird" mood...not really sadness or melancholy, but maybe just very reflective. Last year was by no means an easy year for me, and thinking about it made me realize that I must be made of tough stuff since I think the average person who went through one thing after another like I did would have had a complete meltdown. Just the year prior, in 2005,my mother had been diagnosed with esophageal cancer. She did go through the normal radiation and chemo route, but her health continued to spiral downward. It wasn't only her physical health that was deteriorating but mental as well, and my mother did have severe emotional problems to begin with. Then in March of last year, our landlord began the procedure of evicting us. My mother who had hoarder personality had created an out of control over population of cat problem, and was virtually stuck in the middle of it all for many years. And yes, we did have far too many cats, and it was considered that we had breeched the stipulation agreement from a eviction issue in 2001 when we even had more cats. We had gotten the population of cats down considerably, but we still had too many, more than the supposed two allowed. Well since my mother's state of mind was so out of it, I had to single-handedly find a lawyer, contact god knows how many pet rescuers to try and find new homes for the extra cats (did) bringing the cat population down by May of last year...We had to appear at numerous court case dates and it would turn out that the court case was to drag on until October. Then in the middle of all this on August 11th of last year, my mother was hospitalized for what would turn out to be the last time. Just the day after our court appearance on August 10th of last year I took my mother into the ER...To this day, I in a sense blame the hospital for what happened...yes, her medical condition was lousy..it wasn't the cancer but she had a case of pneumonia... And it wasn't THAT bad. I had called an ambulance to take us to the ER around 1:00 in the afternoon--I stayed as long as possible, but then I left her in the ER as I had to get home. Since she had been in and out of the hospital so many times, I knew with the "swiftness" of the hospital she wouldn't get a room until something like 2 or 3 in the morning. So I said bye to her telling her I'd see her tomorrow. Well the next day, when I went to visit her, I walked into her room and the first two words out of my mouth was ..."Oh, s**t!" You see this kind of thing in movies or TV and don't expect to see it in real life..She was all hooked up to life support and respirators...like WTF happened? She was in a medicated induced coma, so she could never talk to me, though during each day for the next two weeks I'd talk to her. More and more, it was hitting me that she's never going to come out of this, and was starting to think in terms of pulling the plug--but then on August 27th, I went to visit her like I always did everyday...I needed a note from the doctor also as we were supposed to have another court appearance on August 31. While waiting for the doctor I was talking to my mom...and I asked her over and over again..."Do you want to go?" Then the doctor comes in, and we start talking, when all of a sudden my mom's vital signs plunged down like crazy...I was kicked out of the room as the crash unit came in to revive her...I really didn't want to leave either...I'm not squeamish or the hysterical type...I really would have preferred staying, but like I said they kicked me out. Well as you can guess it was a no-go---she died. The weird thing is, I think by my saying, "Do you want to go?" was a signal for her to indeed pass on and maybe she just had to hear it from me...for you see, even if a person is in a coma, they can still hear. So now it's a year later...I don't feel sad about my mother's passing as our life together wasn't a great one---there was a lot of hurt involved--she wasn't exactly the epitome of a great mother--she had so many problems, mainly emotionally, and she made her own life a living he!! as she was the type that was too content in being miserable. The only sadness I feel is the fact, that she could have had a great life if she had wanted it...but she was afraid of any kind of change, didn't want to change and didn't really want any help--she ignored the advice of anyone, particularly me...That's where my sadness is though....if she had only decided to really seek help, to open up her mouth and tell people exactly what was wrong emotionally and medically, but she didn't--she loved being the poor me victim forever telling people a new History of her life, how hard it had been, so difficult, no bed of rosed--when the real truth she grew up like a prima Donna princess with maids and housekeepers...yeesh..but no she wanted to come across as a bedraggled woe is me person, and had no desire to change --she made her own life a real he!! Well I sure hope she's happier now, I know I am....not to sound unfeeling or callous, but her death was a release in my life, and now I finally can have one after so many years of neglecting my own needs. Anyone who has been a caregiver for some family member, will know exactly what I mean. Sorry guess not only being reflective but venting a bit.