What Now?

United States
September 1, 2007 1:23am CST
What happens when you are totally in love with someone, yet feel like physically you've become less attractive. I've noticed that i've gained alot of wieght since my husband and I got married, and worry that even though he says he loves me at any size ( that someday he wont, or I think that i'm doing him wrong by not being in shape for the both of us.). Do any of you feel this way? Are you worried about the amount of change your body has gone through since your younger years? Is it natural to wonder something like this early in marriage, and in life. ( married for a year, and i'm 20 years old)?
3 people like this
19 responses
@ashar123 (2357)
• India
1 Sep 07
My cousin is having the same problem. She was married at the age of 22 and now she is 24. She has increased in size alot but her husband loves her very very much. I think no can't love anyone. Love happens all by itself. Just like you can't hate anyone. Its all natural and comes straight from the depth of your heart.
2 people like this
• United States
27 Sep 07
Very true, I think that sometimes you can't help how you feel about certain things. I guess I could compare it to my motherly instinct, sometimes you just get that feeling that you should or shouldn't do somethign for they're well being. Its sorta like a spider man like sense I suppose, sometimes you just know. I myself will always love my husband, and support him no matter what happens. I don't think that you should stop loveing someone because they change or grow up, its just not love if you do. I'm happy, I suppose I should stop worrying.
@candy111 (240)
• Philippines
1 Sep 07
When my partner and I first met, i was 245lbs, and he really didnt mind my size, then at some point, I had been able to get back into sports, and I'm not down to 145lbs. There are times, especially before my menstruation that I tend to eat a lot and can gain 5-10lbs easily and I will tell him that I feel yucky and gaining weight, and he will just laugh and pinch my nose and tell me it doesn't matter. It is harder to keep off the weight as you grow older, and its not only that, so many other things in relation to physical beauty that comes harder with age. But, what makes me more at ease is that, both of you are growing old together, meaning each of you will have the same worries at some point in time. Better, why dont you both find a physical activity that you can both learn to enjoy doing together and keep fit at the same time. If in the end a partner leaves a certain person because of physical concerns? Sorry, but i would say, if he were that shallow, than I really wouldnt want him in my life.
@luluwow (165)
• United States
27 Sep 07
It sounds like you are unhappy with yourself and your physical appearance. Why have you gained a lot of weight since your marriage? Is there an emotional issue you need to deal with? This lack of confidence may lead to issues in your marriage. Openly talk to your husband about your fears and for your own sake, not his, take great care of yourself. Think positive, eat well and get back in shape.
• United States
28 Sep 07
I don't have any problems such as not being able to talk to my husband, or just emotional issue. I think that its always stemmed back from my childhood with people calling me fat when I was in sizes 5-7 in juniors. I wasn't fat then, however I'm into a 16-18 in womens now, and I know that i'm big. I'm happy with who I am and where life has led me, but my physical appearance makes me wonder if life will always be this great. I'm pretty, and I have a great face and smile. Its just my stomach and legs, they're so big. I worry that my unattractivness will lead my husband someday to greener pastures, thats really all it is. I'm sure that with age wisdom of a great marraige will come, and i'll learn this is an untruth that he'll love me no matter what. For now i worry lol.
@Rollo1 (16638)
• Boston, Massachusetts
2 Sep 07
No matter how perfect we are when we are young, even if our bodies are tight and sculpted and beautiful - everyone's life brings changes, not the least of which is childbirth for women and old age for everyone. I am sure there is more to your relationship with your husband than just physical attractiveness. You see more in him than just his appearance and he sees more in you. Even if you dieted and went down to your former weight, one day you will both suffer changes in the body that come with time, the skin gets less elastic, things sag, wrinkles appear. Do you expect that he will love you less then? I have gained weight since I met my husband, he married me after I gained weight. I would like to lose it - for him and for me - but he doesn't ask me to and if he did, I might not want to, lol. Anyone, man or woman, who will leave a spouse because of any change in their physical selves, whether it be weight or illness, age or disability, doesn't really love the other person. Or at least, not enough to my mind.
@pendragon (3351)
• United States
1 Sep 07
My gf insists that she is fat, or bigger or oversized... and it's so ludicrous, I am so in love with her, inside and out.She really feels unattractive and I try to let her know every day that that is certainly not the case.How do I love her out of this opinion?She's so great, i hate to see what she puts herself through, especially when I feel there must be something I can do to convince her otherwise!
1 person likes this
• United States
27 Sep 07
I think that its natural for all women to feel this way at one point or another in they're life. My husband sent me a picture one time of a man and a woman looking into a mirror, the woman was hot and saw herself fat and the man was ugly and saw himself a hunk. I think that's a common stereotype for many men and women, its just the way things are. I aslo think that there are many ways to make her feel that she isn't fat, you just have to find the way that works best for you. She'll realize in time that she's not, you just have to support her decisions until she does.
@CEN7777 (858)
• India
27 Sep 07
Hi SilentRose19,This is just your feelings only. Once you are in love with some one, you always think about him so if you get little less attention you start thinking in that way. This is not true your husband has already told you that he loves you in any shape, he realy mean it but you should also think that he is noticing this change of shape in you.Now its your responsibility to keep maintained your self so that he always love you.Change in body is always likely to be after marriage whether it is with girl or boy.Any keep maintain your self and it is more important that you should take care of him, his likes, dislikes give him full support and love in life, i believehe will always be honest with you and love you more and more as time goes what ever be your shape.
1 person likes this
@Michele21 (3094)
• United States
27 Sep 07
Yes I wonder the same things!! I am 26 and we have two kids so I am not the same size I was when we met =) I have only gained about 5-10 pounds, but for me that is alot, and I hate it!! After the two kids though it is just hard for me to lose the weight. I feel really unattractive and like my husband won't want me, even though he tells me I am skinny and beautifl all of the time. It is just hard to believe when you know tou have changed, so I understand!! I would just suggest trying to get in shape, exersice and eat better. It is hard to do though, but if your hubby hasn't coplained than I wouldn't worry too much about it.
1 person likes this
@AskAlly (3626)
• Canada
2 Sep 07
Well I am not 20 years old and I've had 5 babies. So I guess I feel like you do right now for the last 26 years. I don't know why women do this to themselves. My husband and I have been married forever. He knew me when I was a size 2. He says he loves me more than ever. But still, why is it the woman's body that has to to through all of the changes? My husband still looks pretty much the same as far as body contours etc. It's really not fair is it?!
1 person likes this
@meljessxena (2316)
• Australia
2 Sep 07
i know where your coming from, im not married yet but we have been together 3 yrs and 4 months we have been living together for last 2 and half yrs and i have put on about 17 kilos since we have been together and i believe my weight is still going and it does upset me that i did put the weight on i try to lose some but it wont work. just remember, to try your best and do the things your good at and be happy.
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Sep 07
I'm so glad I'm not the only one! I've been married for a year and I'm only 22, but I have gained a lot of weight and I worry about the same thing. However, my husband has gained weight too and I am more attracted to him than ever. I think physical attraction has a lot to do with emotional connection. I'm attracted to my husband physically because I have such a strong emotional connection to him and the physical attraction grows as the emotional connection does. I think it's totally natural to be concerned about it. It's funny, but I'm more concerned about the way I look now than I was before I was married and trying to look attractive for everyone. Since both my husband and I have gained weight we started working out together. We go for walks everyday and it's great time for us to just be together without distractions and stress and just talk. We want to lose weight more so that we can be healthier, but we do want to look better for each other. Try to be your best you and be healthy, but other than that, trust your hubby when he tells you it doesn't matter, doubting him will just cause more problems in the long run.
1 person likes this
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
1 Sep 07
You have gained weight because you are HAPPY....Happy people (IN LOVE) eat,thats sometimes what happens,you get all in love and just don't have any worries,he is just your world...Now it is time to get yourself in shape for you!!! Watch what you eat,cut back on fats etc,junk food...Im sure your hubby loves you at any size but thats not the problem,its your own emotional state, and how you feel about youself,if you continue to gain then you will become unhappy with yourself and it will affect your realtionship with your hubby,you will feel unattractive and you will think he sees you the way you see you.Its already started because you feel he might not like your body....Thats you being unhappy with yourself.So start now and lose what you desire and you will feel Much better about yourself,and those doubts will go away.
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Sep 07
I think its very natural to wonder something like that. I think a lot of women (probably even some men) feel this way. I keep thinking the same way you are. Im 5 months pregnant and i keep saying what if i dont take the weight off after the baby? My husband says the same thing - that he doesnt care how much i weigh. You just need to trust in your husband.
1 person likes this
@meemingNEW (2226)
• Philippines
1 Sep 07
I haven't been in your situation before but I think that it really depends on the husband or your spouse if he/she will mind the changes that you have physically. Husbands can possibly think of their wives as less attractive when they gain weight but they is still a possibility that the husband will not mind and will continue on loving their wives. From what your husband says that he still loves you no matter how you changed physically, then I think there's no need for you to worry it too much. He said it himself. Your husband accepts you for who you are. You can control your eating habits though or just keep your body physically fit. Do a bit of exercise. Sit-ups will do. I hope you won't be bothered about how you gained what and what will your husband might think of it too much. Because if that person loves you, then he/she has to accept you for who you are. That's what make you beautiful despite the flaws. Take care
1 person likes this
@nangel78 (1458)
• United States
1 Sep 07
What I learned is if you're feeling about yourself, there is something you can do about it. If you need to, communicate with your husband and see if you two can come up with something you can do together to help with the weight gain. My husband and I go walking together and that has helped a lot.
1 person likes this
@maia0129 (91)
• Philippines
1 Sep 07
Yes, sometimes I too feel worried about that matter but I don't worry about it most of the time. Just feel confident in yourself no matter how big is your size and you will surely feel and look sexy in the eyes of the people who loves you especially your husband. That's fine girl....
@carvey (54)
• Philippines
1 Sep 07
At my side I have not yet been try that the same way at you. For me it was a natural to us that anyone got a body change especially for a feminine like you. There is nothing to worried about cause it will come for us to be a mature humanity, and even it is came you must be careful for it. Tell me if I'm wrong............ good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1 person likes this
@maximax8 (31166)
• United Kingdom
1 Sep 07
I had a baby son in May. I can't fit into any of my old clothes that I used to wear before pregnancy. I have had to buy new clothes, either one of two sizes bigger than my usual size. During pregnancy I had lovely hair but now I have awful looking hair. I think I look far less attractive than I used to look. I am trying to lose weight and get back to the way I used to look. Generally I think most husbands love their wife no matter what size they are but their wife might feel unattractive sometimes.
1 person likes this
@carlaabt (3505)
• United States
1 Sep 07
I worry sometimes, too, but I do believe my husband that he will love me no matter what. And I bet your husband will, too. I got pregnant within a week of getting married, so my body of course, changed A LOT. My son is 19 months old now, and I've gained some weight since he got here. I sometimes worry that my husband will decide he doesn't like the way I look anymore. But he says I'm even more beautiful now than I was on our wedding day. Anyway, I think it is normal for people to be self conscious about the way they look. I don't think it matters how old someone is, or how long they have been in the relationship.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
27 Sep 07
well really it's natural to fell that way. though your husband tells you that he will always love you in any shape but don't take any chance to make his feeling change. do something while your in younger age because it will be a lot harder if you go older as studies says. so act now before it's too late.