Are my advices mean nothing but only such a waste?...tell me!
By add_im
@add_im (2712)
Philippines
September 2, 2007 10:22am CST
How do you honestly feel like someone is asking you some advice, they come to you and talked to you about their matters in life, sorts of problems etc...but then we you start giving your advices to them, I mean in a practical and truthful ways advices...they seem to listen to you yes, but in the end I don't know if they'll hurt because of your truthful ways of giving advice or they just don't like to accept the fact of what advices that you're giving, reason for them not really into it and after all they even tell you not to judge them because we don't get to know the whole story of their life matters.
I have experienced this one from a friend, he/she poured out their problems to me and asking advices from me...but in the end of it, my advices afterall was just being wasted because they don't cling to it or even just to applied it at least and see what would be the outcome result. When I give advices, I'm giving it from my heart and telling them straight forward without holding the truth in me, maybe that's why they can't accept the fact that I am just being honest to myself the way I gived out advices.
So guys, in your part...how do you honestly feel when you're in my situation like every advices you give to someone are really mean nothing but only just some sort of such a waste thing for them to applied for in their own?
8 people like this
18 responses
@williamjisir (22819)
• China
2 Sep 07
If I were in your position, I would like to give them advice when they came to me for it. But I wouldn't care whether they would like to accept it or not. Advice is advice only. You know, people have their own ways of doing things and judging the advice they get from their friends. If the advice matches their taste, they would take it just like the food that goes with our stomach. So dear friend, you were not wasting your valuable time because they are making your advice and their own ways of dealing with things in a comprehensive way, I guess.
@williamjisir (22819)
• China
2 Sep 07
You are right. You have done your best as their friend. That's enough. You are a very nice friend to be with. They are sure to appreciate you for your advice in the heart.
2 people like this
@williamjisir (22819)
• China
2 Sep 07
By the way, you seemed to have changed your avatar? I remember it was a different one. It is like sand leak something? Well, that's it, I think. Right?
2 people like this
@add_im (2712)
• Philippines
2 Sep 07
You're right william, what I'm going do best now is just to let it be...whatever they heard from me is enough for me to give them comfort but I can't forced them to do it, it's up to them what to do for their own best they know better. Thanks for sharing.
3 people like this
@LightninStrike (5915)
• Saint Vincent And The Grenadines
2 Sep 07
well, the fact that someone listens to your advices doesn't mean they have to apply it. What they must appreciate is not if they're useful or not, but your helping intention. If they don't use yours it's their loss, but you shouldn't feel bad really, you did your best.
3 people like this
@add_im (2712)
• Philippines
2 Sep 07
You're right, I should not feel bad is an easy thing one could tell me but in my part it was just a very hurtful thing to admit really...but I'm learning though and like you said, I'm only doing what I think is best for them but I have no right still to make them do what I'm telling them. I'm out of it and it's their duty to do their part this time. Thanks for sharing Light, I appreciate this.
2 people like this
@GardenGerty (157563)
• United States
3 Sep 07
I might be tempted to tell that person, the next time they ask for advice, that "You do not take my advice when given, so I cannot see that it benefits either of us for you to ask me my opinion." The truth is, people will only accept and act on your advice if it is leaning toward what they are already convinced of, what they are wanting to hear. It does not really do any good, even though you are honest, and you do care about them.
@add_im (2712)
• Philippines
3 Sep 07
That is true hun, people are just sometimes being stubborn their own ways and they even compromise most of the time. It's like comprising to follow the right one way, still they wants to take a try to a different direction which they knew it's not healthy for them until oneday they'll stumble and fall...and that's where they will only realized that they should take of what they're telling you in the first place seriously. People will never act accordingly until something will happen and they could witness in their own actions. Thanks for sharing.
1 person likes this
@Katlady2 (9904)
• United States
2 Sep 07
To be honest, I am flattered when someone actually follows the advice that I have given them. But I look at it this way: if a person wants to come to me and pour out their problems and ask for advice, I have no problem helping that person out. But then after that person goes on about his/her business, the ball is in his/her court. It is up to that person to choose to follow my advice or not, and it is on that person as to the outcome of whatever decision is made. I don't take offense if my advice is ignored. You just keep being the kind caring loving person that you are, and keep helping your friends as you have been. And try to leave it up to them about following your advice. Just be there for them....that's sometimes the best and only thing you can do.
2 people like this
@add_im (2712)
• Philippines
3 Sep 07
Yeah, I just can't resist to shared with them what I need to pour from my heart as well to give them comfort at least and never my intention to hurt their feelings when I gived them my opinions and advices, but only Im just being honest from my heart when I'm going to speak words from my mouth that I know it could help them in some ways. But now I've learned and I should just continue to listen to them and just be there still for them if they need me still. Thanks for sharing Kat. :-)
1 person likes this
@RobinJ (2501)
• Canada
2 Sep 07
I do not give advise, I never tell some one what to do, But that being said I always start my statements with if it were me and then explain how I would deal with the problem, that way they may have an option on how to deal with their problem. as well some people just like to dump their problems on us because we are friends, when this happens I simply ask them why are you telling me this? You know what you need to do, I do not live your life I can not solve your problems. And now other people ask for advice because they either want affirmation that they are right, or they want to do something that they know is wrong and if you agree they can blame you for their out come, and if you do not agree with them you are judging them, there is not any way you can win. So the next time this person tells you here problem tell them I don't feel I am familiar enough to help you and change the subject.
3 people like this
@add_im (2712)
• Philippines
2 Sep 07
Thank you Robin for refreshing my mind on this one. This truly help me out from such attitude of mine that will easily listen to their pleas and as a friend I tend just to share that can comfort them from my heart, but still there's just nowhere that they can find helpful from what I shared to them. Oh well, maybe I just have to shut up my mouth the next time and like you said, 'changed the subject' is the best I could tell and nothing more further:-)
2 people like this
@sruthisur (69)
• India
3 Sep 07
Yes, i too have experienced the same sort of situation, but i realised why this happens, actually when someone is disturbed, depressed or feel inferior only then they let out things to others no matter whether the other person is close or not, for them its a means of outlet.
Now to think of what exactly to be done is, we should not just analyse the situation narrated and conclude by an advice, instead, we need to understand and appreciate their state of mind at that moment.
Whether they are right or wrong, first things is we need to support or act as we emotionally first support them for what they are and their present situation is, then we should say that by all means they were right, then slowly making them fine, we should make them realise that if we were in that situation, this would be the style we handle and so why not they too try that way to solve or get rid of the problems, beleive me this works.
2 people like this
@dpk262006 (58675)
• Delhi, India
3 Sep 07
Yes, I agree with you, I have experienced this sometimes. There are some wise fellows, who would ask for your advice on a particular matter and in the end will act as per their wishes, which feels bad to me. I have devoted my precious time to advice someone, so he/she should give due regard to me and my advice, and if he does not want to act on my advince, then he should not have asked for it.
But there are some good friends, who always appreciate my advince and assure me that they would act accordingly.
Excellent Post!
@brew2x (3094)
• Philippines
3 Sep 07
I used to think like that. I used to feel when a friend didn't follow my advice that after much thought, what I've said has just been taken for granted. But now I truly understand that nobody will exactly feel or think the way I do. I still give advices for friends who ask for it the best way that I could and still give it much thought, but now I don't expect them to follow it because they feel different and they have their own mind. It is enough for me that they trust me enough to run to me in times of trouble. On the other hand, if someone gives me some advice I will listen and think hard about it but at the end of the day, it is still my decision and I will follow my heart.
2 people like this
@Yestheypayme2dothis (7874)
• United States
3 Sep 07
Many times people say they want your advice, but what they really want is you to just listen to what they say so they can get it off their mind. Other times they just want you to agree with them...whether they are right or wrong.
1 person likes this
@add_im (2712)
• Philippines
3 Sep 07
That's true Kim, but in my part I just can't refused to them whenever they come to me for advice...I listen to them yes and even shared to them my opinions as what they needed from me in the first place, but then it's still just a waste for them. How foolish would that be? Isn't it? Thanks for sharing Kim
1 person likes this
@add_im (2712)
• Philippines
3 Sep 07
That's true Kim, but in my part I just can't refused to them whenever they come to me for advice...I listen to them yes and even shared to them my opinions as what they needed from me in the first place, but then it's still just a waste for them. How foolish would that be? Isn't it? Thanks for sharing Kim
1 person likes this
@derek_a (10874)
•
3 Sep 07
As a therapist I find that people do not take advice, they may listen to what a person says, but they have their own path, need to make their own mistakes and find out their own way.
We each have our karma and we each need to learn about life. That is what mistakes are all about - learning. So when I talk to people who's life may be in a mess, I can often see a resolution and then ask them if they are willing to commit to that resolution. If they are not, they are not ready. So even though I know that what I am saying can really work for them, they are turning away from it. To be hurt, would mean that I am judging them and condemning their own choice - even if it is the wrong choice.
As a Zen practitioner, I aim not to judge (and I'm getting better at it!). Without judgement, there is no hurt. People are simply following their path in life and whilst it is good to point out that they may have strayed, that it all we can do. It is our own judgement that causes us the hurt. People need space to grow spiritually, so whilst you are wonderful person who loves to help, do not take things personally, you have done your best for them, and that is enough :-)
1 person likes this
@nosferatu07 (404)
• Denmark
3 Sep 07
I usually don't give advice at all. I just listen and let them pour their problems out. Most people ask "What should i do?" but actually they just need someone to listen to them. Also i guess that no matter what friends say everyone have to decide for themselves. So anyways i think that they consider you opinion or advice but finally it's just someone else's point of view.
1 person likes this
@ladybug565 (2216)
• United States
2 Sep 07
most of the time it is not the actuall advice they are looking for, they want someone to listen and understand. When you give advice you should expect that even if they value your advice some things are easier said than done.
2 people like this
@add_im (2712)
• Philippines
2 Sep 07
It's true, it's easier to say than undone...but doing what is right from following a good advice will lead one's life to a better direction, right? That's what I was doing, not pushing them to do it so...but with the willingness in their hearts to do such things their own. Thanks for sharing...
1 person likes this
@ssf12ster (488)
• India
3 Sep 07
see if u share eachothers prolems then people will know how to escape from mistakes in life.but if the person thinks he knows too much then better to stop advising him.if you tell honest things people will agree otherwise they will avoid you.never advise anybody unless he is from your family.
1 person likes this
@lileagle (1)
• Canada
3 Sep 07
im not sure to why peopple are like this all i see is people have big aspireations of thier own opinions plus like me all i want is to be heard not mattering about thier feeings but jus being heard as not to many times have i really been, not because i've not been interesting or had a valid point but because i have soft voice and people only hear what they want too or what benefits thier intrest i've found so far in my experiences but then again i'm not that outgoing and have not many friends and maybe i complain toomuch , whatever the case i know in my heart that my input to some disscussions have weight but if people take time to hear others and not just thier own words i feel that this would be a better place even i may be a contributor to such things aswell but unknowing contributor and i know i need to listen more as i have prayed about it and have found that i need to take more time to understand what God has to say on this subject
1 person likes this
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
3 Sep 07
One thing, you have to understand is that on many occasions, people come and pour you their woes because they think that you will give them a sympathetic ear. It is more a case of seeking an outlet than looking for some real solution-this is moreso in the case of a woman sharing her troubles. If you are very sensitive to the person and react in a way that you yourself would have chosen if you were in her/his shoes and this is in ultimate favour of the person. then the chance of your advice being heeded is likely tobe great. I am not condemning objective advice, but this objectivity should not be diametrically opposite to the other person's interests-see what I mean?
Another thing is when you are advice is on some general issue and not a personal one-say for eg some financial planning or return on investment. then it is more likely that your advice willbe paid heed to only if you have proved yourself to be an expert. You must give advice when solicited and stop with it;not get disappointed when it has not been followed. The reason is that people will always say''nononono you can't understand the predicament I am in, I could not act otherwise.''
1 person likes this
@tigerdragon (4297)
• Philippines
4 Sep 07
Once you give an advise that means it is either accepted or acknowledge or not.An advise is just a suggestion, if they use it or not in their life, that is their problem already and not yours.If you are expecting that your advises, eventhough you know that is right, are not given any attention , it does not mean they do not like your concern, it is all up to the reciever. we should not always expect that it would be digested by the reciever. to each his own.
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
4 Sep 07
Oh gosh I agree! I mean, I know it's ultimetly their decision to make but why ask me for advice on several things and not take one of them? And then to complain about it, drives me up the wall. My parents were in the middle of buying a home after living in one for over 30 years, and needed our help in doing so and we gave them advice left and right and do you know they didn't take any of it?! And then we told them we'd paint their house for them and told them what brand to get and do you know, at first, they got a different brand? They finally got the understanding why to buy this brand and bought it once but then other times they bought a even different brand. It was so frusterating when needing to buy more and not knowing what brand it was and having to search for the can. ARG!!!! LOL
@insanity01 (48)
• Canada
3 Sep 07
Sometimes, people don't need advise but just someone to listen to them. It seems to me that if someone is truly torn by a dilemma or hurt by something or someone, they've already ran countless ideas and possibilities to solve their problems. There seems to be a very slim chance you could offer them some kind of useful information that would allow them to be at ease.
Though when I am the one who's shoulder is bring cried on and I happen to be shooting out advise, it's not really to try and advise them of anything at all but rather listen to their responses and further understand why, even with the help and words of another are they still in such a crisis.
1 person likes this
