What would you do?
By Clara Cook
October 9, 2007 5:54pm CST
Okay if you read any of my previous posts you will know what "situation" I am refering to here. but I will give ya a little back ground info anyway. K I have been in love with this guy, since we were little kids basically. I know he loves me too, it is not just because he tells me, I just kinow he does, and so do many of our friends. This guy comes from a small, tight nit community and believes in many old fashion ways. Well while we were younger a situation, came about that he believed he had no choice to marry another. Anyway, since january, of this year, he told me he is working on filing for divorce, and that he wants to be with me. However, he said that cannot happen until the divorce is final, because he doesn't want me to be blamed for them splitting. You also have to know that from a small place like this and since, he and I have known each other since the day we were born, we all know the same people share the same friends etc, so if something did go down everyone would find out. Anyway I began telling my cousin, just sunday evening while watching WWE PAY PER VEIW, who knows the whole situation as he is this guys best friend, that I thought I was just going to move on because it had appeared, at this point in time, that the guy just doesn't know what he truely wants. I know my cousin did not call there, because I did not leave until after 12, and this guys wife, freaks if anyone calls after 8. The guy has a cell, but when hes home it does not work. Okay this is where things get weird. I go in my apartment which is only across the hall from my cousin, and I have a msn message from this guys "wifes" msn, since her and I are aquiantances. Only because he's my friend and we normally do not get along, she always blocks me for one thing or another and then unblocks me etc. I knew however it could not be her because she goes to bed early hence why she hates phone calls late. Its him, he goes on cam, and talks to me for like hours. Tells me he still needs me to wait hes still waiting for something important, for the divorce process. He tells me he loves me, again and tells me that soon things will be different. He tells me he hasn't been around much because he doesn't want things to look bad. Now he also tells me, that she knows the whole story now, he told her, but he seems to think shes staying on purpose because she just doesn't wanna see him and I together. He tells me things are complicated and messy right now, but things are deffinately gonna improve. Now if he was telling me these things in person I would probably, give in and listen 100% and not give up, because theres just something about him, and the way he looks at me I can't be mad at him even for a second. Thing about that right there too. I have known this guy for 24 years, as he is only three months older then I am and I have known him since I was born. As long as I can remember this guy as been kind and gentle, never raised a voice, to anyone, and hardly ever got angry with anyone. I was also involved with him some of our teen years and he would not be anything but that either. However with this person hes with at the moment, hes a whole other person I have hardly ever seen. He screams at her tells her to shut up and leave him alone. (She does neg at him a lot and over things that are out of his control, and complains to HIS friends about it.) This maybe why she gets mad at me sometimes, because for instance, this guy has a very good job, works long hours but brings home a reasonable living. Now she is all about the life style. She would contact me, complaining that hes not working enough hours and not making enough money, for her shopping habits...and she actually negs him about this as well. It had gotten to the point were I block it out. Last year, she complained on how much of a idiot he was blah blah blah, and again I told her I didn't want to hear it. So what I am saying is I always knew things were bad with them, and everyone knew it would end up that way due to reasons involving the marriage itself. However, he does not want me to date other guys, while I "wait" he always has problems with them. I am tired of being single, yet as many times as I try to let him go theres always something from my heart telling me not to. Then theres this thing with him always seeming to know when I am gonna, and makes me fall head over heels for him all over again. So what should I do, he keeps asking me to be patient and believe we will be together, as soon we can be. He even talked about adopting my child as his own. But how much longer can I wait, my heart says forever, but at the same time I am beginning to feel lonely.
4 people like this
• United States
10 Oct 07
And here I thought the avatar I had for months was goping to stay original! LOL Thanks indian, now I feel the need to find a new one. LOL As far as your personal problems go it seems like an awful ot of trouble to me to go through. This guy may promise you all sorts of things but actions speak louder than words, what are his actions saying?
10 Oct 07
really I had this advatar a very long time as well, strange. Anyway, his actions when he around me, are very easy to read, not just by me but by people who do not know our past, at all yet the can see something there. Mostly its the way he looks at me, the way his eyes soften, instantly, as if something more is opening in him, the way they connect with mine, for he never breaks eye contact with me, unless someone says something to him, and he looks at them...but not the same way. As soon as they said whatever he usually looks back at me, the same as before and again maintains eye contact. Even when we are not speaking at the time, or on othersides of a room, its even happened when we were in different rooms, I felt like I was being watched, looked round seen him watching me he looked right in the eyes and smiled. He has hardly ever been angry with me and anytime he has, like me it doesn't last long. He's a totally different person around me and isn't afraid to lose his cool, and do soemthing he normally wouldn't. I did ask him once, if he would mind if I dated someone else, who was there, one time. Actually this was before he told me the truth, that same night, and the guy was his brother. (Not a good situation, I know but his brother liked me he was married I knew nothing of what he wanted, and at that time, unlike myself I had really thought he moved on. I asked him if he'd mind... he first said, I just want you to be happy, which shocked me so I said what did you say. Then he said I just want my brother to be happy. So I was like oh, he actually set his brother and I up together, and seemed happy about the situation, though I knew he was faking. When he watched us together he had told my cousin, that it should be him...then about a week or two later, he told his brother he couldn't handle seeing it, and asked him to back off... and well he does this alot, thing is he tries, but yeah I guess it is the best thing for us, is just try to lead a normal life, wait and see how things end up..but not put anything else on hold.
10 Oct 07
Hi! Well, all I can say is that you shouldn't let this situation stagnate your life. Don't keep on waiting for him. I mean, there are things and opportunities you must take for yourself and your child and you shouldn't just let them pass just because you are waiting for this guy. Yes you love him and that he loves you. But the thing is he keeps telling you to wait...but for how long? You can not wait forever, I believe. But well, if I were in your situation, I'll go ahead with my life...but I'm not saying that I dump him completely. While I get on with my life, I will still reserve a space for him in my heart. Then if things turn out that we will be together in the future, then that's the bonus. Nevertheless, I know in my capacity that other men will just be second priority and that if I do date them, they must know about the situation. But then, I will not make commitments in relationship unless I'm pretty sure in my heart that I am no longer hoping that this guy I'm waiting for will come and take me. Anyway, for now, I think you must avoid getting entangled with the messy situation between the guy and his wife. If possible, its better to keep a low profile until every thing between them is settled.
10 Oct 07
Thank you for your response. And yes I have been keeping a low profile in that aspect. I haven't bothered talking to the wife, since someone told me what they had over heard, she has occassionally messaged me, to ask something specefic, like, do I know anyone who needs clothes, or asks me to pass a message on to my cousin, who is this guys best friend, but he too is getting sick, of this girl and during the day, if the number pops up he ignores the phone, not wanting to hear her complain. but, other then that nothing. As for him, I have only seen him once since january, in a store, with my cousin, and other then the looks recieved from him it was casual, and nothing out of the ordinary, just the normal hey how been type thing. I live probably 20 miles away. I totally ignore her, like my cousin does when she does complain to me, though lately she hasn't wonder why? lol. The rare time he talks to me 1 on 1 like he did the other night. I listen because I always have with him, we can talk about anything at all, thats why he was the one I had told those things too and not my family. However, I do not "get" involved I am just there when he wants to lash out at someone and get it out you could say. I understand things take time, so I guess I'll just browse see what is out there, and wait it out, if it happens it happens if not, I will understand again, because I love him. I have tried meeting other guys, but I tend to be very picky, the guys I do like, he hears about through greatvine, because our families are so close, and he scares them off... So its not too easy. At first look at the situation, you would think hes just wanting his cake and eat it too, I am not too sure. Even though it had come across my mind. Back in January we were completely alone for at least a half hour. No one was around just him and me, and yet despite what he was saying he did not make a move. Even still now, I live in different town, that he passes through everyday, yet still he does not make visits, of any kind, and like I said claims that he is doing so, so I do not get dragged into everything and blamed for whats going to happen. Though I suspect I still will, because more then half of the people we know either knows the truth, or suspects it. So its only a matter of time before people start to talk, but I guess he knew that, and thought it less on me, if nothing was going on between us.
9 Oct 07
Thanks for your long narration with clear explanations on your current life issue. My opinion but not advice, he is a person whom in indecisive, craven and maladroit. Better doff from him, abrogate the tense situation right now and take bouleversement for your good future life. You cannot rely on those promising words without any firm base. Marriage need proper planning for better future life, financially and socially grant standing. Don't be a cow being slaughtered while you are eating and healthily standing on the grass. My opinion and not advice.
10 Oct 07
Thanks and I understand what you are saying. I try to forget him, but thing is when ever I do try he shows up, or contacts me with something new each time. Now I do know at this point they are not getting along still I even know that she left for a bit, and went to her parents, but came back when school started, because it was more convient, this all coming from the nieghbours and friends. I also know from the nieghbour of theirs, that they had a big fight in the yard where everyone could hear, where he blurted out to her he was in love with me. Ever since then she hasn't spoken to me. This was told to me about 2, 3 months ago, long before he came on telling me all this. I am also told that, one of the children, is being debated whether its his, and this is the piece he is soppose to be still waiting for. As he does have the divorce papers, he showed them to me. The child debated looks nothing like him or his other children... which brings me back to what I just said in the comment above that I left out... He told my ex, that my son wasn't my exes, but his. Well my son and his other children look alike alot.
• United States
16 Jan 08
If he's that unhappy and they are that bad together...why hasn't he already left her? He could move out, get a small apartment and then file for a divorce. If it was me, I'd move on. If your meant to be with him then when his life is straightened out then the two of you might have a chance but to just sit on the sidelines your wasting away. When I went through splitting up with my ex...we had so many fights about me leaving and he never wanted me to...he'd tell me how much he needed me, loved me blah, blah, blah but then the minute he picked up some little tramp in the bar he was all set to split up. It was like he couldn't let me go till he was sure he had a replacement. Some men are like that. I was so glad when we split up and I took over a year for myself after we split up till I met my Hubby. It was a great healing time and breathing space. It's up to you what you do...my suggestion would be to listen to your heart and use your common sense. **AT PEACE WITHIN** ~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
• United States
10 Oct 07
Your situation is very difficult. I believe he does love you and want to be with you but at the same time he does have an obligation to his wife. It's not fair for anybody involved to be living like this. If you want to date other men that's your perogative you are single and an adult so that choice is yours. Just because he may be jealous and hurt to see you with somebody else he must also understand that you are hurt by the fact that he is married to another woman and although he may want out, he made the initial decision to get married. If he does care he will want you to be happy, he knows you are not. That is a selfish love something you do not want. He can learn to let go and let you atleast date although it would be hard for him. Once he is divorced then the two of you can go from there. Explain that to him. He can't control your life and scare your potential boyfriends away. That is going overboard. I know you love him but what if the divorce never happens? Are you willing to remain single forever to wait for him? Good luck to you I know love is a very complicated thing!