What would you do? Should I tell my BF?

United States
December 29, 2007 8:25pm CST
that I know his daughter is not living home with her mom? ( he pays 80 bux a week for child support) his daughter is 18 and in the state where they live HE is eligible to pay until his daughter is 21 which is 2 more years and a lot of money. I have found out thru mutual friends that his daughter is living on her own... meanwhile he is paying 80 bux a week for child support.........and who the freek knows where it is going? I think the mom is getting it but any way........ he doesn't know that she is living on her own. should i tell him? he may get pissed that i know before him...... they want no contact with my bf (except 4 money matters) i think he should hire a private investigator.. but i have yet to tell him about this whole situation whaddauthink? whatwouldudo?
5 people like this
23 responses
@SanDslnrs (268)
• United States
30 Dec 07
He has to pay until she's 21? I am understand that he doesn't see her either? I would think that if he didn't have any contact with her, that he wouldn't have to pay or pay a reduced amount to help support her. If he were to continue to pay the support, maybe she should give it directly to her, or offer to pay for school or something. And yes, I do think you should tell him, but only if you know from a reliable source. Too bad, he's not in too much contact with the daughter and she couldn't tell him herself, that would be the best. Good luck..
• United States
31 Dec 07
Yes he has to pay until she is 21. And no he hasn't seen her in years. He probably saw her a total of 3 times since she was 4 years old. It's a sticky situation.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
30 Dec 07
I was just wondering, how did you know about this one? Is your source reliable? If I were in your shoes, you should tell him what you know but look for the proper timing. Because later on he'll find out about it and it will just make him mad that you have known that matter all along but you did not tell him. I hope you sort it out. I hope my advise made sense. Good Luck!
• United States
31 Dec 07
I found out about this from comments left on his daughter's myspace page So it's right from the source itself!
1 person likes this
• United States
30 Dec 07
i think you should tell him because if the shoe was on the other foot I do think you would like to be inform. Plus I feel he should have right to know where his daughter is and whatever he choose to do you should just stand behind him and just offer advice when he needs it or when you think some might be of good. But tell him and let him find out if its true or not. Wish you both the best
2 people like this
@RobinJ (2501)
• Canada
30 Dec 07
I would tell him what you have heard and let him make a decission as to what to do about it.It may be that he will have to pay. to her, untill she is 21 but it is ultimatly up to him what he does as its his money and his daughter
@hotsatya (240)
• India
30 Dec 07
I think you should go his home and discuss the matter
2 people like this
• United States
30 Dec 07
I think you should tell him because if he finds out you knew and didn't tell him it'll be much worse on you.I would want to know if I were him.Its his money so he has that right doesn't he ?
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
2 Jan 08
Your boyfriend is being ripped off. Get him, or you to report it to the agency that organise collections of child support. If it is a private arrangement he can just cease paying. Then he should sue for back pay for past maintenance paid, which should not have been paid. I hate parents (and older kids) who rip off the non-resident parent for child support.
@Debs_place (10523)
• United States
31 Dec 07
I think you should tell him, if only to say you heard that his daughter moved out and is no longer living with her mother. If Mom is getting the money and the child is no longer living there, he should not have to pay her. I would think that this may be a good time for him to look into re-establishing a relationship with his daughter, with Mom being less domineering in the picture, they maybe able to get along better.
1 person likes this
@Modestah (11179)
• United States
31 Dec 07
It may be that the mother is still providing for the daughter while she is living in a different home, she may even be signing the checks over to the daughter for her to help afford her living arrangements. though, I would tell my husband because he should be aware of what his child is doing and is up to. he should have a say in her upbringing and lifestyle - life changing decisions - does he not visit with his child to find out for himself what is going on?
1 person likes this
@raydene (9871)
• United States
1 Jan 08
Honey..it's his daughter so he has a right to know and the girl should be getting the money not her mother... He could ask a lawyer..if she is caring for herself he may not have to pay at all.. Is her for sure the father? was he married to the mother or was their a paternity test done.. I know a guy that had to pay for years because there was no paternity test done..his new wife insisted that he have it checked out..he is NOT the father of this 12 year old boy..the actual father is the live in bf the moved in when she kicked him out before the child was born!..Talk about screwed up people! Good Luck xoxoxo
1 person likes this
• United States
30 Dec 07
I would tell him. He definitely has the right to know. When you tell him, just say something to the affect of I don't want you to be mad but I found out through a friend and this is the only reason I know before you did, that your daughter isn't living with her mother anymore. Or something to that nature. Good luck with telling him.
2 people like this
• United States
31 Dec 07
If this man is your bf. you should be able to talk to him without him getting angry, especially since it is something that could be beneficial to him. This is what I suggest that he do once you tell him, have him go and file a modification in child support in the state where the daughter lives and have both the mother and daughter served. Once they get into court, if the daughter is not living at home with the mother and is living on her own, the judge should stop the support payment. This way, he can find out for sure whether or not the child is in the home with her mother or is living on her own. Also filing in the family court is free and he can do this without paying money to an investigator. If the daughter is living on her own and not a student, the father shouldn't be paying support anyway because she is grown and you don't pay child support for grown folks
@talos82 (21)
• Greece
30 Dec 07
I would definitely tell him, and if I were in his place I would surely like to know.
2 people like this
@juber0 (21)
• United States
30 Dec 07
Defaintley tell him. I am a person that is against any illegal actions. I would even go to the courts and have the "mother" show up with the kids and applicable proof of residence.
2 people like this
@GardenGerty (156229)
• United States
30 Dec 07
I would jump in with both feet and tell him. When he finds out he may be mad that you did not tell him right away. The girl is entitled to the money, and it should be going directly to her. I would not mess with a PI, I would get a lawyer. Does he pay through the court, or directly. That Mama may be guilty of fraud, unless she can prove that she is providing that much money in the form of rent or other services for the money. Good luck.
• India
30 Dec 07
i can understand your situation...i think you should say everything to your bf let him know the truth by you..if he gets to know from others he may be disappointed or if he gets to know that even you know the truth (i.e his daughter is living by her own) and you ddnt say to him he will much moire disappointed.. so according to me you should say him everything...before he gets to know by others...
1 person likes this
@howard96h (11640)
• New York, New York
30 Dec 07
I think he should know and by you telling him that shows him that your looking out for him too. His daughter should be getting the money not someone else.
1 person likes this
@eyewitness (1575)
• Netherlands
30 Dec 07
i think the father has the right to know where his money is going. it's a lot of money that he's paying for her. i would defenetly tell yor friend !
@praykin (331)
• United States
30 Dec 07
I would tell him because it's his money that's being taken. But, he is liable only until she is 21 IF she is still going to college FULL-TIME (12 credits or more). I think that he should know and then he can go through the steps of finding out what he should do? I hope that all goes well for you when you tell him because he'll probably be upset but all you can do is offer to help him through it. Good Luck~!!
• United States
30 Dec 07
First thing is that honesty is the best policy. Imagine how you would feel if the situation was reversed and someone knew something about your life and didn't tell you. Also imagine what can happen to your friendship if you don't tell him and he eventually finds out that you knew this information and kept it a secret. He might get more upset at the fact that you didn't feel comfortable sharing with him given how close of a friendship you guys have. Next, when it comes to child support, no matter the circumstance he will have to pay. We just recently had a child support battle with my boyfriends exwife and all that matters in the states eyes is that they see child support payments being made. It's sad but that's how they work. A suggestion after telling him what you know, would maybe be finding an address for his child and then contacting the state to see if there is a way to disburse the child support payments directly to the child since she is of age and is living on her own. This may not be an option but a phone call never hurts. If that doesn't work then he's going to have to just deal with giving the mother the money and trying to reason with himself that she had been providing for the child all the years prior to her living on her own so this is sort of like her compensation for all that time. I hope all goes well with your decision. Stick by your friend because child support situations can get a bit frustrating and he's going to need someone by his side!
1 person likes this