Discussing having kids and abortion stance before marriage

@sedel1027 (17850)
United States
January 17, 2008 12:47pm CST
Is this something you did? Did you happen to discuss what would happen if you were pregnant (while you were married) and there was no way that you could afford a child? My husband and I had talked about possibly wanting kids and both of us are pro choice. We have been together about 5 years and married 1. We have always used birth control. Some how last night we got on the discussion about what people do when they use birth control, get pregnant anyway, and truly can not afford a child. I was very surprised to find out that my husband actually thinks it is okay to have an abortion or give the child up for adoption. I am not happy about this because I want a child, he doesn't right now and, although money would be tight, we could afford a child right now. I don't think abortion should be used lightly and especially not for birth control!
4 people like this
17 responses
@Sillychick (3279)
• United States
17 Jan 08
I agree that abortion should not be used as a form of birth control. My husband and I discussed all of these things before we married. Not only whether we wanted children, but When we wanted them. I think that if more people discussed things more thoroughly before getting married there would not be so much divorce. Some people think that 'love conquers all,' or that they can change their spouse's mind. But making those assumptions is not fair to your spouse or yourself. Be open and honest. These types of things can make or break a marriage. But don't be too hard on your husband, you did say you were both pro choice, so maybe the specifics are just a little different from yours. That's ok, you don't have to agree on everything.
2 people like this
@sedel1027 (17850)
• United States
17 Jan 08
Well, we didn't argue or anything about it. I was just taken off guard. Of all the time we talked about having kids, what birth control to use, and our views on abortion this never came out. We talked about all these issues for almost day 1 because when we met I was just coming out of a divorce so I was really in the "this is what I want and you can like it or leave" mode. Plus I knew as soon as I saw him that I would marry him one day.
@angieang (262)
• United States
17 Jan 08
Abortion is definately not a form of birth control. If the couple is doing the deed to make the baby then something is telling them it's time to accept the outcome of the deed. I see children as a blessing and when a woman is granted with the gift to carry a child a way will be made to care for this child. Money should not be a reason to abort a pregnancy, there are many programs available to help with finances.
1 person likes this
@sedel1027 (17850)
• United States
17 Jan 08
"there are many programs available to help with finances." That is true, but if you make over a certain amount you don't qualify. We - even with my not working - would fall under that category. Don't get me wrong, I understand his concerns. I was taken aback by his response because we had discussed this topic many times and he never mentioned aborting a child that we may have together.
@angieang (262)
• United States
18 Jan 08
I guess call me old fashion, but if you end up getting pregnant through all of the used contraceptives, then something wanted you to have the gift of a child. I think people are to quick to become selfish, not shooting that towards you or your significant other. It just seems like such an easy way out.
• United States
17 Jan 08
Birth Control - Birth control, contraception, Controlling unwanted birth
Everyone has their own beliefs I am all for abortion, I think if someone is not ready to have kids they should not. I think that you and your husband should come to an agreement and both be ready to have a child and feel better financially, so you won't be tight on things for your child. You guys should be in it together. Best of luck:)
@sedel1027 (17850)
• United States
17 Jan 08
We would never intentionally have a child when money was tight. Right now we are happy with all of our blessing - my son, 2 cats, 2 birds (we may have babies soon!), and 4 tanks of fish (many of which are babies). I started this discussion because i was caught so off guard by his answer. I just thought that after all this time and the topic of pregnancy and accidental pregnancy conversations that this view had never come up before.
@stephcjh (32303)
• United States
19 Jan 08
We discussed it. I had a child before my marriage though before my husband and I met and he had 3 of his own also. I couldn't afford to have a child either but it was too late. I didn't think of giving her up either. I tried to do the right thing. I couldn't afford her but we managed just fine.
• United States
18 Jan 08
I remember when I was in high school a girl that was one year ahead of me had 3 abortions in a 4 year period, because she was careless and all 3 were by different guys. This still bothers me today and it has been almost 8 years since I have beeen out of school. Right now we live on a really tight budget, but if we was to get pregnant we would make it work somehow. If someone, single or a couple ends up pregnant and decides they can't afford it, why not give it up for adoption? There are so many people out there who are not able to have children of their own (me being one of them, cause of a condition I have). I know people who have been trying for years to have a baby and just end up giving up. They have such things as open adoptions, where the adopting parents pay for everything. In the end it is your decision if you want the child to know who their birth parents are. I think abortion is wrong unless there is something wrong with the baby or it puts your health at risk in some dangerous way. Other than that, for any other reason I see it as a form of murder...getting rid of "it" because you don't want "it".
• United States
18 Jan 08
Seriously when can a person ever really afford having a kid when it comes to money? I don't mean to upset but it just seems like an excuse to put off having a kid. I was not married when I became pregnant with my son. I had been with his father for about four years before I became pregnant. I was also only eight teen at the time, which of course made things alot more stressful. I was also on the pill at the time, no one ever told me that antibiotics can make the pill inactive When I told him I was pregnant he first said we were too young. And than he started with the kids cost alot of money. I thought these excuses were just pitiful. It wasn;t long after that, that he suggested an abortion. And he left as soon as I said I was keeping the baby. My son is now six and dad has never been around He's the best thing in my life and I never regretted the decision I made to keep him.
1 person likes this
@vivasuzi (4127)
• United States
18 Jan 08
I agree, it should not be used as a method for Birth Control! In my family, there's really nothing to discuss. I'm married and as much as I don't want a kid right yet, if I had one, we wouldn't even think of adoption.
1 person likes this
• United States
18 Jan 08
i am against abortion 100%
1 person likes this
@lecanis (16661)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
17 Jan 08
My husband and I had already talked about a lot of these types of things online before we were even really dating or romantically involved at all. It's interesting how our opinions have changed over the years though... we actually wind up touching on some of these topics occasionally just to make sure we're still on the same page, because we know how much we have changed in the time we've been together. In our case, we found out I was pregnant with our son just about the time I finally decided "Maybe I want to have a kid in a year or two." Before that I had said I absolutely did not want children, ever. So that change was a big one for me... and then we found out I was pregnant before we really had all the financial stuff in line. Could I afford to have my child when I did? Not really. Things have been really tight, especially because I was out of work for 5 months when I had him because of seizures and blackouts throughout the pregnancy, and then last year I was out of work again for 5 months because of illness. But we had him anyway, and it's wonderful, and I don't care about anything else. Would I ever have an abortion, under any circumstance? Sure. Considering the health problems during my last pregnancy, it's very possible if I got pregnant again now, I would consider that option. That's why we're taking very aggressive measures when it comes to birth control.
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Jan 08
I was 17 when I got pregnant with my first child. No one, me, him, friends, family, NO ONE, ever uttered that filthy A word to either one of us. I was 21 when I got pregnant with my second child. Had a great job, car, house, savings, 401K, all the things you are supposed to have before you have kids, and that childs father wanted me to get an abortion because he didn't think we could afford it. He worked at the same company I did and together we grossed almost 80K a year. After telling him I didn't need him to afford this baby and he found out that baby was a boy his mind changed. All of that is really unimportant to your discussion but I wanted you to see where my opinion on this is coming from. Under no circumstances whatsoever should a healthy baby ever be aborted. Accidents happen on birth control all the time. I wouldn't have four kids if they didn't but never ever once would I have even let the thought of abortion cross my mind as a way to fix the "accident". There is always adoption. I believe that abortion should only be considered when having the child could possibly kill the mother or if the baby has some terrible genetic abnormality that it will never be able to live life on it's own. NEVER EVER EVER should abortion be used as birth control.
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Jan 08
It's one of the reasons we got married -- we agreed on both subjects. We don't want kids and if I did get pregnant, I'd abort. Simple as that. "my husband actually thinks it is okay to have an abortion" Why are you so upset? He has his views and you have yours. The glory position you're in is that YOU are the one with the working uterus so therefore you can dictate what happens with it. If you get pregnant and he doesn't want the baby, you can still have it and force him to pay child support. Such power. "I want a child, he doesn't right now and, although money would be tight, we could afford a child right now." But can you afford everything that comes with it? When I was 9, I fell off a merry go round and needed 15 stitches on my arm to close up a huge gash caused by a piece of concrete stuck up. When I was 14, I broke my arm rollerblading. When I was 17, I needed surgery on my hand (different accident). All those things add up to money that you have to budget for. You may have a little bit of money extra a month for a child, but what about diapers, formula, medicines, doctors' visits and other emergencies. What if your child needs emergency surgery to put tubes in his or her ears? My nephew had that done a few months ago. My brother and his wife were out $650 out of pocket before the surgeon would even touch the child. Can you afford that? What if, God fobid, your child caught cancer? Can you afford the treatments or the medications? You don't need to have a stockpile of money lying around to have kids, but it's something to think about. You need some money put back for emergencies.
@sedel1027 (17850)
• United States
17 Jan 08
Yes, we can afford to have another child (I have one that is with us full time from a previous marriage). We can afford the extra medical insurance (it would only increase our plan by $20/month), doctors bills, ect we would just have to cut back on our extras which we should probably cut back on anyways. We have decent savings account and 401K, we have some money saved up for my son to use when he gets in HS/College. What we don't have is the extra room in our current place for another child; we are going to be moving in 3-4 months anyway and then that wouldn't be an issue. However, my hubby doesn't want a kid because he isn't finished college and he feels that we should be making a bit more (that will be remedied by the end of summer) so that we can keep our current lifestyle and I can stay home at least for 3-4 years until the child is in pre-K. Yes, I know he has a valid point but based on his pay raises this year and the fact when we move we will be saving at least $500/month, I don't see how money could be a reason to end a life (especially since he wants kids and that one child may be the only one we conceive).
@cyntrow (8524)
• United States
8 May 08
But if you were using birth control and got pregnant anyway, then that abortion would not be "using abortion as birth control." To answer your question, all four of my husbands knew that I am pro-choice and that if I got pregnant, I would be the one to decide. yeah, I know it sounds horrible and mean, but until a man can push a baby out of his peni s, he has no say. Now, when I got pregnant with my last baby(now six), I was on the pill. Mark and I did discuss it, but the decision was ultimately mine. Obviously I chose to have her. When I got pregnant with my first(now 22) I was 17 and unmarried and my then boyfriend actually wanted me to abort. Again, the choice was mine. Unfortunately, I ended up marrying the bas!ard. LOL
@phoenix25 (1541)
• United States
7 May 08
This is a tricky question for a lot of people. My husband and I did discuss having children and our thoughts on abortion before we got married. I originally wanted to have kids, but my husband said that he was told he would never be able to have children. I accepted that and we agreed that if we decided we wanted kids, we would adopt. We also decided that if we did happen to somehow get pregnant, we would keep the child because it would truly be a miracle. We are both pro-choice, but abortion is not something that we would personally do. We did end up getting pregnant after we had been married for about a year and a half and we did keep the child. We could not afford it, but we knew he was truly meant to be on this earth. I do take birth control now because I can not physically have another child. I feel it is my responsibility to prevent a pregnancy at this point because I would have to have an abortion if I were to get pregnant because my body is unable to carry another child.
@twoey68 (13651)
• United States
30 Apr 08
I think alot of couples need to sit down and really find out where their future partner stands on alot of issues. Kids, abortion, religion, politics, money, in-laws, ect. It's easier to discuss these things ahead of time and figure out if your compatible then it is to wait till after your married and then have to look at a divorce. **AT PEACE WITHIN** ~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
@Bev1986 (1425)
• United States
7 Feb 08
I totally agree, it should NEVER be used as birth control! Hubby and I did talk about it before we got married and we both agreed we'd keep the child if it happened before we were ready. I was on birth control though and never had any problems... when we decided we were ready to have kids, we were lucky to get pregnant very quickly.
@david2005 (800)
• Canada
5 Feb 08
Your husband has the right to his own opinion that is his thoughts and no one can take those away from him. I really don't approve of woman having an abortion but I do see it as it is there chose to decide if they want an abortion or not. There could be a reason for the abortion like rape or even being too young. On the other hand though sometimes people just can't afford a child and they don't want to bring him or her into a world if they can't afford to look after them. My girlfriend got pregnant the first time at a young age and she was on birth control and we were also using protection but she still managed to get pregnant though. We thought that we couldn't afford to look after a child but we managed to do it and she is almost five years old now. Every time you look at her you think about the time that you thought of ending her life. We are really glad that we didn't.
• Canada
3 Feb 08
I think these are very important issues to discuss anytime you're in a serious relationship. My husband and I did talk about these issues, and made sure that we were on the same page. These are major life altering decisions, and I don't think they should be left until it's too late to discuss them. We've both decided that we are not going to have any children. And we've agreed on which precautions to take to make sure that we don't end up pregnant.