My friend asked for advice, what is your opinion?

@dlkuku (1935)
United States
February 9, 2008 5:07am CST
My friend is a married woman who goes to church every Sunday. Last Sunday, after church she stopped at the grocery store she works at, and because she was dressed nice she got some comments about how pretty she looked which made her feel good, since she usually wears work clothes. A few days later at work, a male co-worker approached her and said, 'You are lucky we both aren't single because I would be bugging you.' She asked, 'Bugging me about what?' He said, 'About you going out with me.' My friend told me that even if she was single she would never even consider going out with this man, and now she feels very uncomfortable around him, thinking he was hinting around that he wants to start something with her. He hasn't bothered her or said anything else since that comment, but she feels like he disrespected her marriage and his own relationship by even saying anything. She is definately not willing to compromise her marriage, she loves her husband very much. She is worried about saying anything to make it even more uncomforable since she has to work with him. I told her I wasn't sure what she should do, but I also told her if he says anything else to her, she needs to make it clear to him that it is inappropriate, and she should go to management if it becomes a problem. Also his live in girlfriend works at the same place, so the situation could become really sticky, my friend doesn't want to do anything that will cause his girlfriend heartache, since she really is a nice girl. The thing is he just bought his girlfriend an engagement ring, so how sleazy is that? I have not been in this kind of situation, so I don't know if my advice was good or not, but I do feel she needs to do something to nip this in the bud before it gets out of hand.
20 people like this
42 responses
• India
9 Feb 08
Woah! Maybe your friend was really looking pretty, so why not accept a compliment as genuine appreciation from another person. Why do people dress up, wear make up etc. if it was not to be appreciated by others?
@dlkuku (1935)
• United States
9 Feb 08
Well, apparently this man has a reputation for being a player, so she felt like she didn't know whether to be flattered or not. Since I don't know this man, only she can say why she feels this way. And she did say that she recieved several compliments from different people and she didn't feel this way about the other comments, just from this man, so there must be a good reason.
1 person likes this
@kareng (53375)
• United States
9 Feb 08
I have to agree, since he hasn't said anything else it sounds like his remark was just a genuine compliment. Your friend is making too much of this and worrying over nothing. A compliment is just that, a compliment. Reading too much into it can cause trouble--with her marriage and his engagement. Your friend should just accept the compliment and just go on with life. There is no need for her to feel uncomfortable.
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
10 Feb 08
i agree with you...Men sometimes do not always mean things the way they sound....I would have just said"well thank you"....and forgot it..
@Ravenladyj (22904)
• United States
9 Feb 08
I dont think its sleezy or creepy...He was paying her a compliment in a flirty but harmless way...I wouldnt worry about it at all..I honestly think you are both reading way too much into it...
2 people like this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
15 Feb 08
There was nothing sleazy about his comment. It was said in a friendly way as a workmate. Why are you being so negative here? Your friend looked lovely and her workmates reacted in a lovely way. Why did she go to work if not to show off how nice she could look away from work and to impress everyone...I've done it myself. This guy is happily in love with his girl and feeling good about probably everyone which is what you do when you're in love. You just feels so good and you let others see it by being happy and saying nice things to people. End of story.
• United States
11 Feb 08
Nothing you've written necessarily suggests that he was "scoping her out." He saw her, he paid her a complement. give it a rest already!
1 person likes this
@dlkuku (1935)
• United States
11 Feb 08
The only reason I think it was sleazy because he recently got engaged, and if he really loves her why is he scoping out other women?
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
10 Feb 08
I think it was just a comment because he liked the way she looked when she came into the store all dressed up..He may have meant it as a compliment,some people do not know how to express them selfs especially men..If he has never said anything else to her then i would just forget it,but if he ever says anything else all she has to do is say I am a happily married woman so forget it "buster"...i don't think her marriage would be compromised by his statement she has complete control over her marriage...No one can compromise your marriage unless you let them..I agree it was a tacky statement,but if he had told her she really looked nice that day, coming from a man you really never know how to take anything,if you know what i mean...I do not believe she is in any danger ...however i would hate to be his girlfriend,because he does not appear to be the faithful type making that sort of statement..I think your advice was good, just go on about her business and just forget it unless he says anything else..My husband had a friend that use to come to visit him that made statements to me like "Hello beautiful" and always tried to be noticed,i was married and happy but i just ignored him,he was married and had a wife and kids and i knew her as well,he was just a show off man,but he would not have taken it any further,he was just a loud mouth man...i came to realize that after a while.. He never made a play for me he was just that type with any woman..Tacky? yes but he was no problem...Just a show off...I can understand how a statement like that could make her feel uncomfortable, but if she makes a big deal out of it he might get encouraged,so i would just ignore it unless he ever says anything else...Some men or just flirts by nature and needs to be ignored or set straight...I bet if his girlfriend knew he said that she would be mad,but she is the one marrying him,so she should know how he is...and some women are dumb too, and if she knew she might just say "oh hes like that", i had that said to me once by a friend of mine who's husband called me on his lunch hour,so you never know about people..Had your friend not been so shocked by his statement, she could have told him then,,,'I don't think so ,your not my type..but we never think of those things when statements like that are made to you because it stuns you that they said it in the first place...I sure understand how your friend feels...
@palonghorn (5479)
• United States
9 Feb 08
Sounds to be like your friend needs to see it for what it was a compliment. I love my s/o, but I've seen a really attractive man before and said things like 'if I was 20 years younger he'd be in trouble' or 'If he wasn't taken and I was single, I'd go out with him' Doesn't mean anything, it's just a way of making a compliment about the other person. I wouldn't leave my s/o for another man no matter how rich, handsome, etc he was.... but, we both still look at others and compliment others as well. I've even pointed out a beautiful woman and told him. She is really reading way more into it than need be, she needs to just let it go, and forget about it.
2 people like this
@dlkuku (1935)
• United States
11 Feb 08
Actually, I have never said those kind of things, although I have heard other people do so, but never directly to the person.
@newfette (338)
• Canada
12 Feb 08
I know a lot of guys who make comments like that because they think it doesn't mean anything - and they are happily married, and I wouldn 't consider them sleezy men... My boyfriend would never make a comment like that because it's not in his nature to be...ummm...upfront like that. There are other words I could ahve used. PErsonally I think it is disrectful to flirt like that with anyone who is married or in a relationship. At work it's completely inappropriate! If he hasn't said anything else and if he isn't bothering her anymore I'm sure it was his way of giving her a compliment. Maybe he doesn't know how to do it any other way. I would tell her that if he says anything, or touches her to make her feel uncomfortable she should go to management, or even write an anonymous letter to management saying he needs to be talked to about harrassment awareness. Or, if she has the guts,just tell him. Dude that's not cool give it up or I'm going to the boss. Laugh smile. Let it go.
@dlkuku (1935)
• United States
13 Feb 08
I couldn't have said it better myself.
3 people like this
@newfette (338)
• Canada
13 Feb 08
haha thanks! and thanks for choosing my response as best one man! you rock!
2 people like this
• Portugal
9 Feb 08
She should forget the comment and do not give attention to that fellow. On my city we say a serious woman is deaf which means we did not put attention on teasers. She can tell her husband and if he is jealous she will have a problem. The better way is to ignore but if he come back again she should say him she did not like that type of behaviour, correctly and without anger. Sometimes men start with a teaser both single or married only to know if the woman matches his desire but if she will ignores he has never tried again. They are coward.
2 people like this
@dlkuku (1935)
• United States
11 Feb 08
You do have a good point, I think she should just ignore him.
@Ohara_1983 (4117)
• Kuwait
10 Feb 08
it must be the right thing she do is to complain with management, so they can give the right action to that man.even he said only in a joke but she is already merried person even single need a respect from thier co-worker or anybody.complain is the best way for her or let her to talk with his husband.
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
10 Feb 08
I do not think she should do that, and make him lose his job over a compliment,i feel that would be to much, i feel she could do that if he bugs her,but unless he says anything else to her she should not blow this out of porportion...It might have just been a compliment by a man that has no tack.....and she don't need to be running to her husband because then he would get all jealous and want her to quit her job...
@uath13 (8192)
• United States
9 Feb 08
It sounds like it was just a compliment. If he hasn't done or said anything else that's probably all it was & should be taken as such.
1 person likes this
@dlkuku (1935)
• United States
11 Feb 08
As long as he doesn't, I agree she should just let it go.
• United States
10 Feb 08
I haven't been in this situation either but I think you told her the right thing to do, wait for another comment and then inform him you are not interested.
1 person likes this
• United States
11 Feb 08
Rcdrury, I think he is interested because of what he said.
1 person likes this
• United States
11 Feb 08
So, what makes you think that HE'S interested?
2 people like this
@rcdrury (22)
• United States
11 Feb 08
Before WHAT gets out of hand? He paid her a compliment, and as nothing else has occurred, that's apparently all that was intended. She should accept it graciously and move on.
1 person likes this
• United States
11 Feb 08
Omigod; you can't even figure it out.
1 person likes this
• United States
11 Feb 08
I sense you exceeding critical angle of attack. I don't want to send you into a tailspin. (Sorry, I'm a pilot, so I have to engage in such metaphors.) Everyone else understood my comment just fine.
1 person likes this
• United States
11 Feb 08
Yes, it is a public forum and everyone is entitled to their opinion. Some of us, however, have the integrity to limit our input to qualified opinions. As for rudeness, you unjustly berated an individual you don't know based primarily on his gender. We all know what kind of hell breaks out when it's the other way around.
1 person likes this
@barehugs (8973)
• Canada
10 Feb 08
You are over reacting, making a mountain out of a mole hill. And so is the married woman. The co-worker was only trying to give the woman a compliment and she was too dumb to notice. He hasn't bothered her again and you can be sure he won't. Why? Because the foolish woman didn't acknowledge or thank him for his compliment. He feels regected and for good reason. Some women like to think the Sun rises and Sets on Them alone!
@dlkuku (1935)
• United States
11 Feb 08
Don't you think you are being a bit harsh? You don't know her, yet you are calling her dumb for one thing, and she is the least conceited person I know, in fact if anything she has low self esteem.
• United States
11 Feb 08
Now we're getting somewhere. Her self-esteem issues prevent her from graciously assuming the best of this guy. How sad.
@dloveli (4366)
• United States
10 Feb 08
Boy do I think she is making something out of nothing! No disrespect intended but Is she serious? It sounds to me like she disrespected him as a person. He wasnt used to seeing her out of uniform or work clothes. He was giving her a compliment by saying what he did. Havent you ever joked with someone and said "You're lucky I am married or else?" I think everyone has done it in one way or another. Your friend seems a little nervous. If you think about it here is a guy saying wow you look great, youre lucky I have a girl cause Id ask you out, as a form of a compliment and she shi* all over it by saying I wouldnt date you no matter what the circumastance. That's not nice. If anything she should feel uncomfortable for putting him out there like that. I dont know either of the people involved personally so I am going on your posting but I really think she's being overly emotional. Tell her to take it as a compliment and nothing more. Even if he was being disrespectful, she can let him win by showing it bothered her. Leave him to his live-in and if he is a dog she'll find out. Just act as if nothing happened. This is the best way to have a comfortable work environment for all. Good Luck with your friend. Tell her she looks great no matter what she wears.
1 person likes this
@patgalca (18164)
• Orangeville, Ontario
10 Feb 08
I responded before reading anyone else's comments and I thought I was going against the grain and would be jumped on for what I said, but it appears people are in agreement that she is taking one comment as harrassment instead of a compliment. You are right; she did disrespect him in her response. What has this world come to that we can't be nice to each other without people thinking we have an ulterior motive?
@dlkuku (1935)
• United States
11 Feb 08
Actually she told ME that she would never date him, she didn't tell him that, so there was no disrespect. She was just pretty much flabbergasted and didn't know how to respond.
@dloveli (4366)
• United States
10 Feb 08
I am so sorry if I have offended you. I just wanted to let you know how it reads. Sometimes other people who are looking in on things can see things that people directly involved cannot. I also dont think people should be hard on you for asking for help. Its clear that your friend is not used to being complimented. Maybe if her man did it sometimes, she wouldnt be so confused or offended. I think she needs to relax and stop thinking everyone and thing is to be taken suspiciously. You are a good friend for caring so much and putting it out there for others to comment on. I wish I had friends like you. dloveli
@lightningd (1039)
• United States
9 Feb 08
I think your friend is making a mountain out of a mole hill on this one. It's obvious the guy knows boundries. He said, "It's a good thing we both aren't single"... He was trying to compliment her on how nice she looked. If he hasn't made any other remarks, I would say he was just trying to be nice and make a compliment. He hasn't bothered her or said anything further. That is all it was. He said if they were both single he would be asking her out. He knew he was not single, and nor was she so that doesn't mean he was thinking that they should start something on the side. It was a simple compliment. Tell your friend to take a chill pill, accept it for what it was, a compliment, and move on. The guy was just being nice.
1 person likes this
@dlkuku (1935)
• United States
11 Feb 08
Maybe she has good reason for feeling this way, she is entitled to feel what she feels.
• United States
9 Feb 08
I also wouldnt know what to do, well also I am a guy... But I think you shouldnt worry about it maybe tell her to take it as a complimant or something like that. Its not like he wants to do anything else with her?? And he did only say it to her once... I say she should take it as a compliment. Hope this helped. All the best!
1 person likes this
• United States
11 Feb 08
You almost had it, Kuku; except that there's nothing to let go. She should be reasonably grateful that someone was kind enough to pay her a compliment. Until something further happens, and it appears nothing has, that's the way it should be interpreted.
@dlkuku (1935)
• United States
9 Feb 08
See that's the thing, I guess the way he said it made her think that he wanted to see if she was willing to pursue something with him. But I agree if he doesn't say anything else, she should just let it go.
1 person likes this
@balasri (26537)
• India
10 Feb 08
It is better to tell the man on face whatever she feels sternly.She doesn't need to create a scene.But she always can make him understand that she is not his cup of tea always without giving him any more ideas.
1 person likes this
@Thoroughrob (11742)
• United States
11 Feb 08
It may only have been supposed to be a compliment. I would do nothing unless he pursues things. I don't think he will. Men have a funny way of finding things to say. Just take it with a grain of salt this time.
1 person likes this
@vanities (11395)
• Davao, Philippines
12 Feb 08
well i guess it was just a sweet comment that means nothing to him(just like praising for her good looks that day)....just dont give him any hint or whatever that may means something to him..you know guys...
@crazylady (470)
• United States
10 Feb 08
I think it sounds like it was meant as a compliment, and since he hasn't said or done anything since the comment, I would just leave it that way. Unless he makes further comments, I wouldn't worry! I agree with what you told her! Some men never stop the wandering eye. Not good for his future marriage.
1 person likes this
@lexus54 (3572)
• Singapore
10 Feb 08
If I were your friend, I would thank this person for his compliment, but at the same time, I will be wary of him because he is definitely sounding flirtatious. If this is a one-off thing and he does not continue to come on in this manner or make other insinuations in future, then I will not be too concerned. But if he persists despite knowing that both are married or attached, then more problems can be anticipated from this man. Well, only time will tell. It is best your friend keeps her distance and not encourage him in any way.
1 person likes this
@ohwellie (140)
9 Feb 08
If he hasn't said anything since, then she should just ignore it. He may have just been joking and unaware that he's upset her. If he does carry on, then she should make it clear that she's not interested before going to management.
1 person likes this
@dlkuku (1935)
• United States
11 Feb 08
That is pretty much what I told her.