my husband hates being near me!

@aretha (2538)
United States
February 13, 2008 5:05pm CST
ok it all started after my hubby got back from iraq. it just likes being alone all the time. i hate being alone long. it wasn't as bad until about 2 months ago when we moved back to our home town and we have a basement that is like a living room but its kind of cold down there. so anyway to makee this short my hubby gets up around noon will be upstairs for about an hour then he goes down stairs till god only knows what time. i am normally in bed. he is taking some time off work for awhile and all of my family and freinds live at least 30 minutes away. i am always alone and am getting back in to my depression. what would you all do? any ideas to keep me busy thats free?
2 people like this
5 responses
@asgtswife04 (2482)
• United States
14 Feb 08
I absolutely understand what you are going through. My husband was deployed four days after we got married in 2004 and when he got home, he went through the same thing. I didn't understand it then because i felt like he'd been away so long and he should want to be with me every second or at least most of the time, but what i came to realize is that he was dealing with a lot of emotional issues of having been in that country and was trying to pull himself back together. In order for us not to fight, he stayed to himself. It was a very difficult time for me, especially after the birth of our daughter. He would stay downstairs, in what i called the "go to hell room" and that's where he stayed for hours. Never helped with the kids, never helped with the house, nothing. Them being over there does something to them, and it is in no way a good thing. My husband couldn't come back to home life...he was still living like he was in Iraq. I had three kids to take care of, so that consumed all of my time, so i just let him to whatever. Just be careful though, because them coming back from that kind of situation can make them a time bomb. It did my husband and I actually had to end up leaving him for a few months for him to realize that he was home and couldn't treat me like a nobody. Now, he's gone again on his second tour and there are still times that I fear of what it will be like when he gets back home this time. He's changes alot though, which i am truly blessed for. Just try to be understanding that he's not knowing how to feel at this moment and he is probably still reliving some things that went on over there. They all really need to be in intensive therapy after coming back, but alot of them will not accept it. I'm sorry your having to go through this though and if you ever need to talk i'm usually here at night. Good luck to you and I'll be praying for you. God bless
1 person likes this
@aretha (2538)
• United States
14 Feb 08
thank you its nice to know its not just us. and i know hes having a hard time. i couldn't even imagin going through what these guy did but in the mean time you do feel like your a nobody to them. i did think about leaving for awhile to see if it helped but i to have 3 kids and one is in school so if i was to leave i would have no place to go where my son could go to his school and he had a really hard time changing schools when we moved home. my other two are 3 and 1. my 3 year old will go down stairs with him and play and my one year old naps for about 3 hours and day. that is when i really go crazy. i just get so mad i sent my hubby and got back a totally different guy. i am happy to see things got better for you and your family and hope all is good this next time around. thanks a bunch
• United States
14 Feb 08
thanks, i hope so to. you really just have to be patient. see if he would be willing to go to some kind of counseling. unfortunately the thing you need to worry about is his solitudeness because eventually, or in my case, he began to lash out and i saw anger in him i had never seen before. it's definitely not easy for them to deal with, but as long as your there loving him he will eventually come around. just don't let him be mean...make sure you take a stand on that if it ever starts. he needs to be aware that he is back home and not still over there so the coldness doesn't have to stay. that was the hardest part for my husband. he got so cold hearted over there that he came home with the same attitude. i'll be praying for you though that everything will work out just fine. God bless
1 person likes this
@MsTickle (25050)
• Australia
22 Feb 08
If your hubby won't go into counselling, maybe you should. It's hard to imagine how you can be so bored when you have three children and a husband to look after. I live alone and have only pets to look after and there are not enough hours in the day to do everything I need and want to do. I think you need help to cope with him returning to you like this and shutting you out. That's very sad. He's been so very far away from you in mind, body and spirit, I guess it's hard for him to find his way back to you. In the meantime, pray for understanding and patience and pray for your husband to find peace. If you don't pray, ask for others to pray for you...maybe your local pastor.
14 Feb 08
He may have some underlying issues to why he is being so quiet ie:issues dealing with Iraq,try to open the lines of communication with him or I suggest some type of marriage counseling if all else fails.Also find yourself some hobbies,take up knitting,walking,join some local groups that are listed online that meet in person(also explain though that you are looking for something thats costs $0),make some new friends,go to bookstores and read etc...Good luck with everything.Im sure he doesnt hate you..he maybe has just changed a bit after everything has happened.
1 person likes this
@aretha (2538)
• United States
14 Feb 08
i know he does not hate me. he just hates being around me. i read in some papers he had to get before he left the army that he does things just to get away. i have talked so much and tried to get him to go to counseling with me but he says no that i don't need to its not me with the problem its him. i have tried the knitting and what know but i know one way to do it and everything seems to look the same.lol i also have 3 boys(7,3,1)so going out alone is not really something i can do. i am sure i will find something to do to keep me busy. i will have to find some good books that sounds nice. i haven't read a good book lately. thanks a bunch
@sunshine4 (8707)
• United States
14 Feb 08
Aretha~ so sorry to hear that you are going threw this. I am guessing that being in iraq has been very difficult for your husand and he needs to get some counseling to help him deal with what he saw while there. I wouldn't take it personally, I am sure it has some connection to him being in iraq. Talk to him about it. Tell him your concerns.
1 person likes this
@royal52gens (5380)
• United States
22 Feb 08
I am a military mom. Quite frankly, if my son was to come home with major emotional changes like you have described, I would be contacting his superiors. I would ask that the chaplain make a house call to him. He should not be alone with his thoughts too long. He needs to talk to people that he is comfortable with. He needs to vent but I can understand that he is not comfortable laying his troubles on your shoulders. He needs help to make the transition from war to home. The Red Cross might also have counselors that can assist you. Your hometown pastor or minister might also be of help. His doctor might be able help him. Reach out, make a phone call but do not let this go on for very long.
• United States
21 Feb 08
I'm a member of cafemom and in the town I live in us mommies have Mommies Night Out and play dates. You might want to check that out to see if there are any mommies in your area to help you keep busy. Or take up a hobby, crocheting keeps me busy and if I get really into a project I can lose track of time!