Secret

Australia
March 10, 2008 10:00pm CST
I needed few days to process this info and now that all the pices fit I need someone to tell it in confidence :). Here we go. I have a friend (lets call her Ann) that I went to school with and we are still very close. She has been going out with a married man for the pass 7 years or so. She never wants to get married or have kids so this situation seems to work for her. I never judge her as it is her life as much as I belive it is wrong. Anyway she has never told me who this man was and I didnt want to know. Anyway last week we went out for a coffee and she told me how her lovers wife and son came at her work and this and that, so I dint pay any atention to it. on the weekend we went to another friends house and the lady of the house (lets call her Sue) said to me: oh do you know who I saw the other day at this store (where my friend Ann works) the girl we sat on the same table at your sons christening (that was my friends Ann). So Sue went on to tell me the conversation that I already knew as my friend Ann told me the exact same story. So now I know the secret. I called my friend Ann and told her that I knew she told me she will call me back when she is ready. Now that I know all the players involved I feel sick knowing the truth. I dont know if I shoud say something if I should remove people from my life it is all too personal now. by the way my sons christening was 4 years ago way after this 2 started seeng each other. Any advice for me?
4 people like this
18 responses
@daeckardt (6239)
• United States
11 Mar 08
I'm not sure what exactly the situation is. I read this two or three times and I am still confused. I think that it might be necessary to remove yourself from the situation if it really bothers you. I think I would have suggested to the person that she not do that, but I understand what you mean when you say that you wouldn't want to judge her life. I felt the same way when a girl asked me for money so she could get an abortion even though I didn't support that. That is a hard one to call because when you are talking long-term friendships, it may be difficult to decide whether to stay friends or not.
1 person likes this
• Australia
11 Mar 08
ok in few words. I have 2 friends they dont know each other 1 of the friends is dating my other friends husband and I just found out.
1 person likes this
@daeckardt (6239)
• United States
11 Mar 08
That is really bad. I think you might want to tell her what you know. Your good friend is doing something that should not be done. I think that I would tell the wife what you know. It might break up your friendship, but with friends like that, who needs enemies?
• Australia
11 Mar 08
I hate been in this situation I was better of not knowing. I feel bad by saying something and hurting everyone but if I dont say than I will forever feel quilty about it.
• United States
11 Mar 08
All I can say is good luck. Whenever I have known that spouses were cheating on spouses, even with my friends, I have told. I don't approve of it. I always say I don't do married. And I don't. It's wrong. If you put yourself in that situation, would you want someone to tell you? Now, there was one time that I told and they were still just engaged. Well, she married him anyway. Now they are divorced and we aren't really friends.
• Australia
11 Mar 08
My brain is just not working properly so I dont know if I can just go and confront any of them right now. I will say the wrong things and probablu cause more pain to every one. I need to find a way to do this thing right.
2 people like this
• United States
11 Mar 08
I would wait and see what your friend has to say first Then possibly confront the guy. That might scare him enough to break it off. Then you won't have to worry about it. If not, I don't know. How close are you to the wife?
• Australia
11 Mar 08
on the scale 1 to 10 I would say 7 we see each other probably 1 a month and talk on the phone 1 a week my sister works with her. I wish I never learned this.
1 person likes this
@dreamy1 (3815)
• United States
11 Mar 08
Wow that's crazy. On one hand I definitely want to tell but on another I think it's none of my business and wouldn't say anything. Are you willing to lose a friendship because if you do tell "Ann" will know you did and you probably won't be friends anymore. I really wouldn't know what to do.
1 person likes this
• Australia
11 Mar 08
I have to think carefuly as there is a child involved as well. The whole idea of me not knowing about the guy was that I have told her that I do not agree with what she does but that I am still her friends. We decided that it was not for me to know who the men was because if I dont know him its sort of not real (if you know what I mean). Now that I know and I know all the details it makes me sick.
@cortjo73 (6500)
• United States
11 Mar 08
Whew! That is a tough one. I try not to judge as well but, I hate cheaters! They are one group of people that I can't stomach very well and have a really low tolerance for. If you don't want to be in the relationship anymore, get out of dodge. End it! Period! It is that freaking simple. Don't hurt another person by cheating worse than you would be by ending the dang relationship. Because, in the end, it would hurt more to be cheated on than to have your spouse end a relationship that isn't working. At least, in my opinion. As for whether you should tell your friend or keep it to yourself...that is really tough. I would say you should tell your other friend. Or, go to the cheater and tell her that you don't feel comfortable with this secret anymore and either you tell your friend or she does. A friendship will end but, it is up to you whose friendship means more. If your cheated on friend ever finds out some day and then she also finds out you knew, she will never forgive you and then you will end up losing both friends. So, would you rather lose one friendship, or 2?
• Australia
12 Mar 08
To be honest right now my friendship with the wife means much more than to the other friend. As she has done nothing wrong and is goin to end up hurt. I have always said this "if you dont like it get out that is why we have divorce" but some people dont get it.
@cortjo73 (6500)
• United States
12 Mar 08
Then, I think you know what you need to do! I am sorry that you are caught in the middle of this. That really stinks that your friend would put you in that position. Not only does the fact that she is willing to tear a family apart speak to her character but, so does the fact that she would be willing to inadvertently put you in the middle of it given your relationship both with her and your friend whose family she is tearing apart. Forgive me for saying so, I know it is really none of my business but, with friends like her, who needs enemies?
• Australia
12 Mar 08
I dont think she cares about the fact that she is destroing a family. She hates that word and what it stands for. Her parents got married and divorced to each other 2 times and 1 they got back together and separated again. Her father than came to Australia and promised he would bring her mother but first the girls would have to come to Australia to make it easier once they did he never tried to get her mother here. He is one mean control freak. He now has a second wife and does not speak to his older daughter at all. So my friend has no concept of happy family so I cant use that to convince her.
• Australia
11 Mar 08
I'm sorry but if I were you I would tell this poor woman that her husband is cheating on her with Anne. I mean, first of all, I think to sleep with another woman's husband is low but then to actually know the woman on some level, takes it even lower. In my opinion, if I knew something like this, I would not be able to live with myself if I didn't say anything. As a woman who knows what it would feel like to have this done to her, how could I? Also, who's to say she won't make a play for your boyfriend/husband? She obviously has no type of scruples about it and doesn't even feel any remorse over it. I think you would be much better off without this woman as a friend and you need to come clean with the innocent party in all this. Think how you would feel if your roles were reversed and if it were your husband, wouldn't you want her to tell you? I know I sure in the heck would. Do the right thing and tell this woman of the slime that surrounds her life. You will all be better for it in the end....
• Australia
12 Mar 08
You are right as well my loyalty is not with "ann" at the moment and never will be from now on. She put my in this situation knowing that I am good friend with her lover and his family. She acted in a very selfish way talking about him all the time maybe she wanted me to know who her man was. If it was me I would like to know sooner rather than later. I would hate to be the last one knowing about it.
1 person likes this
• Australia
12 Mar 08
Exactly, she was being very selfish. Do you think perhaps she wanted you to tell your friend because she wants their marriage to be over, so she can have the man all to herself? Perhaps she is using you as a go between? Either way, you need to come clean with the wife because it is only fair and theis "Anne" needs to be taught that what she did and is doing is completely wrong. She is breaking a home up and that is most despicable thing anyone can do to someone....
• Australia
12 Mar 08
I have no idea what she is thinking but that whatever she is doing is not fair on me. She always sais that she never wants to get married or have kids but I dont know maybe she does.
• Philippines
11 Mar 08
That is so sad...I think what you should do now, is talk with your husband and your friend separately. I know it hurts a lot especially the woman involved here is what you thought your true friend. I hope you would get over this.
• Australia
11 Mar 08
my husband is not involved in this att all it was someone elses husband (my friends) but thanks for responding.
• Philippines
11 Mar 08
Ohhh...my mistake again, I thought that you were the wife of the guy...hmmm...well if that's the case, do not make any move to upset your friend Sue. It would not be wise to tell what's going on between Ann and her husband. Frankly, if I'm in your shoes, I wouldn't know what to do. Just be a friend to Sue and be there always for her.
• Australia
11 Mar 08
not a problem Its not a big deal (mind you if that was my husband I would not have been here talking on mylot lol) My main priotity is the wife she has done nothing wrong and will be hurt the most by this.
@Hatley (164154)
• Garden Grove, California
11 Mar 08
I think and this is just my own opion that you should tell your friend that she is playing with fire and that she will be hurting two innocent people the wife and child if the wife finds out. suggest to her thatthere are lots of other unmarried fish in the sea and itstime to get going and find one who is free to love her. She is truly being selfish and so is the man involved. If he had any guts he would either break it off with you friend or tell his wife and get a divorce. seems the two of them want all the fun of a relationship without any responsiblity at all. so she does not want to be married or have kids fine but tell her to play house with another unmarried man not make herself up to be a homewrecker. it is time you told her the truth if sheis really your friend be honest with her you know it is wrong.
@Hatley (164154)
• Garden Grove, California
11 Mar 08
you know it is wrong and you are her friend maybe she does not realize how much she is hurting other people perhaps you can talk her into breaking this off before someone gets hurt I would not worry so much about hurting her she seems a bit callous or otherwise she would not be carrying on an affairwith someobody else's husband tell her the truth she needs to hear it from a friend.
• Australia
11 Mar 08
When I spoke to her and told her that I knew who the man was she said I will call you when I am ready. She knows now that I am personaly involved in all levels as I know everyone involved. When I think about it now I should have guessed long time ago. After the christening the man has hardly ever been at my place. He would ask how my friend Ann is and if she was still single. He changed work and now works closer to ann. And many other things.
• Australia
11 Mar 08
Right now she (ann) is the last person I am thinking of hurting she chose to be in the situation she deserves no pity from me. Expecially since she went on and told me all the details in the past 4 years knowing that I knew the person.
@wickedangel (1636)
• Dominican Republic
12 Mar 08
Wow, that is a hard one and one which really has no acceptable answer. You did right to tell your friend 'Ann' that you know and it's up to her to decide what she wants to do but she is playing with fire, that's for sure. If you have found out who is to say that the wife won't find out too? Then what happens? Perhaps you should say something to the husband? Something gentle, just that you know that he is playing around, you are not going to judge him but does he really think it is fair on his wife and child? I don't think he is taking the responsibility of his marriage to heart. If he doesn't want to be married and accept what marriage means and he wants to run around like a single guy, then perhaps he should re-evaluate his life! Good luck, this is a hard one. We're rooting for you!
• Australia
12 Mar 08
Thank you. When his wife was telling me that she met my friend and I realised what was going on he looked at me and I belive he knew at that mement that I know. We are going to a christening on sunday together so I will just let him know (but I belive my friend would have told him by then) that I know.
• Dominican Republic
12 Mar 08
Well we're routing for you, it is not a nice place to be. Good luck!
@gabrielle47 (1221)
• Philippines
11 Mar 08
Wow what a situation you are in Violeta. Having two friends involved in a very unpleasant situation. But I think the husband should also be blamed and in the end will just hurt your two friends. Do you know the husband? Well it might be good to talk to the husband first and let him know of what wrong he is doing to your two friends. But you should definitely tell your two girlfriends. On who should be first is very hard to do but I guess it should be the mistress (sorry for the word). If your friend will decide to stay away from the guy, then their marriage may still be saved and the wife may not even know it and may not be hurt in the end. I know, the truth will always be known, so you have to tell them as it may effect your friendship with any one of your friends. Good luck girl!
• Australia
11 Mar 08
Yes I do know the husband and I would not say it is all his fault after all it takes 2 to tango. In this 6-7 years my friend had lots of time to brake up with him but she didnt.
• Philippines
12 Mar 08
Well yes you are right there that your friend is also at fault and my 6 years is a lot of time for the illicit relationship. Well hope all matters will resolve soon with less people getting hurt. I hope if the husband and wife have childre, they have to think of them as sometimes children are the victim of situations like these.
@chrissieatu (1033)
• China
11 Mar 08
Well, that definitely is not pleasant. I can understand that you are feeling in between your friends. If you speak it out, probably you will lose your friends and break the family. If you don't, somehow you will feel guilty. Worse still, if the wife find out one day that you actually are aware of this, it will also affect the friendship. So, if I were you, I won't say anything first and keep it all secret, pretending not knowing that and noticing how all the things are going. Obviously, this issue has bothered you for some time. You mind is messed up. How about leaving this problem alone. Maybe you can find some solutions then. Do not force yourself that much. After all, being a friend of them does not necessarily mean you are responsible for everything. Besides, if any of your friends need you, you still have to play a role as a friend indeed. Relex youself first, think about it later. May things become better.
• Australia
11 Mar 08
"If you don't, somehow you will feel guilty. Worse still, if the wife find out one day that you actually are aware of this, it will also affect the friendship." this is exacly how I feel at this moment. I am not that worried if I loose my school friend as obviously she didnt care enough to come to me every week with new and detailed stories of her love life. Nothing stays a sicret for life sooner or later someone will find out.
• China
11 Mar 08
I can see that. I do not feel regreted of losing Ann. But the impact on the friendship with the wife and the impact on the family did worry me. That's also why I said being a friend does not necessarily mean you are responsible for everything. Do not keep thinking this issue. For one thing, it disturbs your own life. For another, that keep thinking it is not a guarantee of good solution. Calm down and keep watching. I believe you can find the breakthrough. Be joyful. Enjoy your day :)
@llldj51 (39)
12 Mar 08
I'm in the same sort of situation as you are at the moment. I have just found out that a friend of mine slept with her husband's best friend. I have not told anyone because I know that if my friends husband found out it would devastate him like there's no tomorrow. In this relationship there are also small children involved so I just can't say anything. What I have done though is basically removed myself from the situation, I don't go visit my friend anymore and I only see her if it's one of mine or her children's birthday. Ultimately the decision on what you do is up to you. Ask yourself this "can i live with myself telling them or not saying anything?" You will end up doing what is right for you and your family.
• Australia
12 Mar 08
It would be easy to say to "ann" that I dont want to contact her any more but if I do that with sue she would be asking why and maybe feel hurt that I dont.
@ebberts (786)
• United States
11 Mar 08
I have never hear of a situation like yours ending up well. It's tough. You should not have to be in this position. But since you are if you want to stay friends with (Ann) Tell her the relationship with this man is off limits, no discussions. I wouldn't tell the wife, she would resent you. And it would probally breakup the family. If she finds out about the relationship and that you knew all along. Again she will resent you. Besides Some women know about their husbands relations with other women and decide to ignore it. In my opinion better left unsaid.
• Australia
12 Mar 08
you could not have said it better my friend. I am damned if I do and damned if I dont.
@barehugs (8984)
• Canada
11 Mar 08
Always mind your OWN business. Take a minute and ask yourself," Is this my business? if I were them would I want someone else messing about with it?" If the truth makes you sick, think about something else. No one can live An other's life for them. Let it go for now. Nothing stays the same for long. Perhaps the situation will resolve it's self and you will still be friends with these people!
• Australia
12 Mar 08
As I am in the middle of it and I got involved without knowing yes I do belive it is my business. I dont want to be blamed for not saying anything and yes if it was me in the situation I would like someone to tell me. Also it didnt satrt yesterday or one night thing it has been going on for years. If there are strong emotions involved they should really think things over.
• India
11 Mar 08
I wont go and advice Ann, because she is uncared about her behaviour..knowingly well that she is at wrong path.. she continues to do so.. so no point in telling her..nor does i will antagonise with her. But i will slowly reduce my contacts with Ann....and as you thought i will slowly remove them from my life.... Why should one stay as an witness for an unwanted thing.. because as you said, that Anns' lovers son and wife has already started to build a gruel. Play safe Violeta_va.
• Australia
12 Mar 08
the whole thing is just too mest up at the moment and I simply want to stay out of it as much as I can and let them sort things out.
@gemini_rose (16268)
11 Mar 08
I know its a horrible situation to be in but you know if your friend finds out about her husbands affair and then also finds out that you knew about it, then thats an even worse situation and you will end up losing a friendship at the very least. I was the last to know when my hubby was cheating and I mean the last to know. Everyone I knew, knew all about it and not one person said a single word to me, they stood there talking to me acting as my friend and never said one word. I can honestly say that finding out that my so called friends knew and never told me hurt more than finding out that my hubby was having an affair. I already had an idea anyway. Lets just say that I no longer have any friends. I confronted one of my friends and asked her why didnt you tell me, she said it was none of her business. Can you believe that? I said not your business, you knew about it and you were supposed to be my friend, that makes it your business, all the years we have known each other count for nothing? she said I had enough troubles of my own. I had to walk away because I was going to smack her and she was pregnant so I couldnt. But I said to her I would have told you, I wouldnt have dreamed of keeping that from you. This all happened 1 year ago and it still hurts knowing that she could be so callous, and I was so humiliated I didnt go out for a long time, I couldnt look at people I knew without getting so angry for the fact that they all conspired in keeping this dirty little secret. As a result I keep myself to myself I dont have much to do with anyone because I was so ashamed, embarrassed and hurt. This is a situation that can only end with hurt one way or another, there is no easy answer and no easy way out. You now know about the situation, and if you say nothing you go against one friend and if you say something you will lose another, its a hard one.
• Australia
12 Mar 08
this is what I mean when I sat mylot is a venue that you can vent your self and find a solution. If I had to speak to someone it would have been people that I know and without personal experience. Now I know how it feels from someone that has been there. Let me tell you dear that it is not your fault and you should not be ashamed of anything. Thanks fo giving me your side.
@peedielyn (1210)
• United States
11 Mar 08
To tell you the truth, I would let them duke it out. You know the secret and now Ann knows you know. Bottom line, tell her how you feel. No one can judge but the man upstairs, so don't feel that you have to. Just be honest. How would she feel if her husband would be cheating on her? How do you feel about infedlity? Point Blank it. If she gets mad at you, take some time to tell her that you care for her, but it isn't right. She should come clean. 7 years is a long time for that kind of CRAP to go on. Good Luck!
• Australia
11 Mar 08
you are absolutly right 7 years is a very long time ok so she was about 18 you could say she made a mistake but she is older now and should know better (I dont even wont to comment about the men involved). It is not just judging her or them its more of a shock and disbelive.
@kaysue4 (951)
• United States
11 Mar 08
Ok, you said that Ann has been seeing this guy for 7 years. How long has the guy and Sue been married? Did you ever think that maybe Sue knows that her hubby is seeing someone else, but just doesn't know who it is? Some people, not that I agree, have more of an open marriage to see other people. I mean, to keep it a secret for 7 years is a very long time and there has to be some point that Sue has to have a clue. You can't keep it under wraps for that long from the other spouse. I know you are in a hard spot and you want to help, but maybe you just don't know all of it. Ask your friend Ann if she thinks that sue, the wife, knows about them seeing each other. Is Ann happy with the way the relationship is with her and the guy? She has never pressed for the guy to leave his wife? Sue might be happy knowing, but not knowing who it is. A very, very long time ago I was seeing a married man. There was many things involved that thier's was an arranged marriage and they didn't really love each other, let alone like each other. She had an idea about it and what killed me is that I would have to take her shopping because she didn't drive. They had no kids either. He worked all of the time. Well, she went to see her family and told him not to let me sleep on her side of the bed. So she knew, but just never would say anything to me or to him outloud before. It was just how thier marriage was at that time in thier lives. Now they have 4 or 5 kids and thier marriage is great. I broke it off a long time ago and I do have a child with him and broke it off as soon as I found out I was pregnate and found out that she was pregnate. Our kids were born only a month apart. I would not change that time in my life either. My second husband adopted my son when he was 6 months old and now he is 15 and knows who is real father is and has talked to him a few times and has also met his half brother's and sister. Please don't judge me on this. I only said anything because you don't know where Sue's marriage is at right now and they might be happy with the relationship the way it is.
• Australia
11 Mar 08
they have been maried for about 15 years. And no she dosnt know about him and "ann". Sue lost 4 babies and about the same time this relationship started he told her that he had enough and he dosnt want any more kids. I can go on for ages as to how I know that sue does not suspect but that is beside the point. Thats why I am conserned about her. I dont judge you I have no reason to do so.
@subha12 (18449)
• India
11 Mar 08
i just can wish that whatever happens is good for you. its good that you have got to know the truth. now its hurting you knowing who is that person.But better face the life as it comes. All the best
• Australia
11 Mar 08
I was not happy before that she is involved with a married man and right now I am not happy knowing who the man is. I never insisted to know who the man was and anyway I never belived it was someone I knew but as it turned out I know him very well. I will give her 1 week to tell me what is going on and then I will talk to him.