When should you stop getting jealous of your partner's past relationships?

Philippines
March 19, 2008 12:02am CST
My boyfriend is so open and honest about his past relationships..somehow i appreciate that he's honest, it just means that he's not hiding anything from me but sometimes i just cant help it, i really get jealous and hurt, especially knowing that he still communicates with them.. He assures me that im the one, that theres no reason for me to be jealous..but is that okay?i mean should i just continue listening to him mentioning them or should I tell him how it affects me?am i over reacting?over sensitive?
9 people like this
28 responses
@Sillychick (3279)
• United States
19 Mar 08
It really depends. How does he talk about them? Is it relevant to what is going on in some way? Or does he just talk about it to have something to talk about? If he sounds like he misses someone, or the way she did something, or things he did with someone else, or is comparing you, that's not ok. Does he talk about them often? Does he focus on you most of the time? I think you should tell him how you feel. There is no good that can come from you suffering in silence. If it bothers you, speak up. Maybe he just doesn't realize that it bothers you. Or maybe he is just plain insensitive. Tell him. Otherwise the problem will never go away. I don't think you are over reacting. You feel how you feel. You are entitled to feel that way. Don't let him tell you that you don't have a right to your feelings.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
19 Mar 08
I dont feel like he's comparing me to them at all..he just sometimes mentions them when its related to what were talking about, or when we go to a place and his ex is working or used to work in that place,etc..just like that, but I dont know, I just feel awkward knowing that he remembers..selfish of me huh?
1 person likes this
• United States
19 Mar 08
No, it's not selfish. As I said, how you feel is how you feel, and don't let your boyfriend or anyone else make you feel like you are not entitled to those feelings. It's good that he doesn't compare. But if it bothers you, he should stop. It's out of respect for you. If you were insanely jealous and freaked out if he looked in the direction of another girl, I can see how that would bother him. But it sounds like you are being reasonable. Just say to him 'It bothers me that you talk about her so much. Can you cool it, please?' Keep it casual, if you prefer, but talk to him.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
20 Mar 08
Thank you so much for your advice..Atleast now I know Im still reasonable..coz I always thought that Im over reacting..
@subha12 (18449)
• India
19 Mar 08
I think its complex situation. its Ok taht he loves you. But why he needs to keep contact with his ex-s ? is it really that much necessary? Ask him that it bothers you? If its just friendship its Ok. But still i guess something is left after people break up.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
19 Mar 08
I agree somehow, and also the thing is with me I never mention or talk about my exes just because i dont think its proper or right to do that..and im the type that dont communicate with my exes..i leave the past behind and move on..
1 person likes this
@paulsy (1263)
• Philippines
2 Apr 08
I've never been jealous of my partner's past relationships. First of all, because she's in another country. Second, she was a cheat, and he hated her for that. Finally, we agreed from the very beginning that all our past relationships are past. We love each other and there's no need to reminisce about the past. Nothing else matters to us except what we have today and that we love each other more everyday.
1 person likes this
@aowaow (1516)
• Indonesia
23 Mar 08
Men never understand women, that opening that kind of topic is just like "Why you talk to her while looking at me". They will need this translation for their Martian language. It will open their mind.
1 person likes this
@mansha (6301)
• India
23 Mar 08
My hubby also told me about the girlfriend he had in college when, we got married I saw her picture in a diary, he was writing when he was dating her and she also had scribbled in it a lot of lovey dovey things. I was zapped to see the uncanny resmblance to me in her. I was wrong perhaps but couldn't help thinking if I am a substitute for her. He sees her in me. I read the diary and it was like having her in between us. Finally seeing how upset that makes me he has hidden that diary , I know its not torn as I saw it just last year when we were shifting the house. But now I think its his life - a part of lifew he is not ready to give up and with two kids now I have made peace with this now. I just ignore the fact and then it does not hurt.
1 person likes this
@onesiobhan (1329)
• Canada
21 Mar 08
I don't think there's really a "should" in this situation. Your feelings are your own, and you shouldn't feel that there is something wrong with yourself for having them. What is far more important is how you decide to handle the situation. Talk to your boyfriend about it. Maybe it only bothers you at certain times? Are there certain things he can do to make you more comfortable? Maybe there are specific details you would be happier if he left out? Or maybe it's just something you have to deal with - and maybe there are things he can do to help mitigate your reaction. Would you be less jealous if you knew them too, or would that make it worse? It's also possible that your jealousy is entirely legitimate. I only get jealous when something is genuinely wrong. It doesn't necessarily mean that my partner is cheating on me, but it can mean that there is something bothering me that I haven't picked up on consciously yet. It never hurts to examine the feeling and figure out where it comes from.
1 person likes this
@jackgym (276)
• Australia
21 Mar 08
Why don't you mention your past relationships, that may shut him up. When he does something or acts in a particular way, just say, "You remind me of my old boyfriend, that's what he used to do".
@suspenseful (40312)
• Canada
20 Mar 08
I suppose it is when you are sure that they will not show up, dressed to the hilt, and they have more accomplishments, are more beautiful than you are. Now I would not tell my husband of all my past relationships, because that is being too honest and I would insist that if one of them calls him over to fix something, then you should go along. Oh and if you are planning to make it go a little further, engagement, marriage, etc. you will find that you will be getting a little less jealous. It has to do with not being sure. If he quit going with those other girls to concentrate on you, then you are probably worried that he will quit going with you to go with another girl. I think it is that you are worried because of that.
1 person likes this
@2btrueinu (703)
• Philippines
20 Mar 08
Be thankful that he is open to you, he just show that he trusted you and love you. try also to be open to him. And stop being jealous there nothing o be jealous about sometime it turns you insecure. Try to accept that it's already a past relationship. And also try to talk to him how you feel about telling his past relationship with you I think he think it's just okey to coz you are not telling the truth that you are affected and jealous in his story. OOhh girl don't be over reacting and sensitive they are the past and you are the present...
@tjades (3591)
• Jamaica
20 Mar 08
I think the best thing you can do here Kitan is make sure you know and understand your partner. Think about it ...... is he naturally like this. Is he this way with nuetral freinds and family, naturally mentioning them to you, bringing their names into conversations? That might help you to understand that that is who he is and if you create a fuss then you may start forcing him to stifle a natural part of him and this is where your real trouble will begin. Its quiet natural for us (both men and women) to feel jealous but we ought to be careful we do not allow this to drive a wedge between us and the one we love.
@gemini_rose (16268)
19 Mar 08
This is just normal, none of us like to think of our partners being with anyone else, or maybe even being in love with someone else. I hate hearing about my hubbys previous relationships and we have been together nearly 9 years, I just hate to think about him loving someone else before, he is the same too, I never talk about previous relationships because he gets really jealous and crabby. You should tell him how it affects you and no you are not over reacting!
1 person likes this
• Pakistan
19 Mar 08
hello kitan2979! how are you ? well just be relaxed and calm every thing will be okay soon inshAllah ! well! this is a very diplomatic kind a situation,its good that your bf is sincere to you by all means but you know if i will say truth to you may be this could disappoint you more n you can argue to your husband for this course. First of all its good hez telling you about his every past relationship(better should say this present relationships),because if its been a past then why this past is pinging still your bf in his present. Secondly,why does he need all this when he gives you the first priority above all ?? I mean do u lack anything ? is he shy to say everything to you which he can easily say to other girls? I think you should really talk to him about this that what is his intention by the way ? what he actually wants from your and those galz side? Remember one thing guys aint sincere with anyone until they find any advantage in them,and obvioulsy he aint your husband right now so what can u expect from his side? May be the same line he is been saying to every other girl? then what else you can do except waiting for him to leave you ? You should really talk to him and sort out and even if he succeds to convince you like most of the guys have the gutss to do that so then i guess he should introduce you to his old pals as a gf ? If he can really do that then for sure you can trust him . Ask him yo take you out with them and hang out with those girls,try to make them your friends,talk to them surely you will get to know many things about your bf from them. just go whereever he went to meet them and hang out with them have fun and try to show you partner that you aint coming with him just to clear your doubts or you have any kind of frustation about them,just be as normal as you can and dont get all this on your mind,be cool and chill with your bf dont letting him know that it really affect you that he still have terms with his old pals. aha ! another thing just strikes just right now in my mind :),may be hez doing all this to really make you jealous?dont you think you may be lacking something ??? He intentionally is trying to tell you all this because the thing he has got in his old relationships he wants you to carry all those things because obviously all of us wants to see our love to be perfect :) So the judgement is all yours .u can better decide what to do ,all you have to do is to observe and see how your bf behaves with ya:) and then try to sort it out :). I wish that you get your answers and resolve your problems. Take care ! I will be waiting to know what happened :) did it worked or not ?
@katisaurus (1038)
• Canada
19 Mar 08
My boyfriend always talks about his past relationships. I listen but I don't respond. He never asks about mine though, and he asked me one night why I never talked about them and I told him exactly why; some of them screwed with me so much I just don't wanna recall them. it doesn't kinda bother me a little when he talks about them. Because they have nothing to do with me, and he'd talk about goodtimes and badtimes, but sometimes it made me feel like, because the badtimes seemed to be the same with each girl, that it would happen to me, too. Or the goodtimes were things they did together, that I want to do with him, but I don't think it would be AS special 'cause he's done it already. I would really just tell him it upsets you that he talks about them, especially if he does it frequently. I wouldn't say it's overreacting, but if you really trust him then I don't think you have anything to worry about. goodluck. xo
1 person likes this
@sid556 (30987)
• United States
19 Mar 08
Yes, it is good that he is honest and open but i don't think it is healthy to keep bringing up and talking about past loves over and over. I would tell him that he is over-doing it. Really you guys should be making your own memorys to talk about rather than hashing over his past ones. past belongs in the past.
1 person likes this
19 Mar 08
There are two ways to look at this. The simplified "hes just being open" way, or that he might actually be trying to make you jealous. I don't this you're being unreasonable or over-sensitive. If he still keeps contact with them, then you have a legitamate concern. If you ask for the details of his past relationships, then he's probably just being open with you. Although, he should consider your feelings and censor certain points. It is very possible, on the other hand, that he is intentionally getting you riled up. Guys, like girls, like to feel like they are envied. I doubt whether you'll find a guy to admit that to you, but it's a fact......
1 person likes this
@moneyandgc (3429)
• United States
19 Mar 08
My husband and I have both gone through jealous moments in our relationship, when we were dating. We both keep in contact with our exes, but we have to. We have children together. Sometimes we talk about how his ex worked somewhere when they were together or my ex did something or other if it adds to the conversation. There was a time when it bothered me but it doesn't anymore. I think you should be glad that he is open. But, if it makes you feel bad maybe you should talk to him about it in a way that he doesn't feel like you are being overly jealous or attacking him. Just let him know how it feels when he consistantly talks about his ex.
1 person likes this
• India
19 Mar 08
Ideally, u should leave your jealousy behind as soon as you enter into a relationship but that is not always possible. however, you have no reason to worry Kitan. your guy is an honest one and if he is friends with his ex, it clearly means that he is over that relationship. it takes a great deal of maturity and practicality to remain on good terms with an ex. I am married and my ex is my best friend now...that does not pose a prob in my marriage at all! so just chill and if u cant beat em..join em!
1 person likes this
@fayfun (37)
• China
19 Mar 08
i know your feeling.'cause i am a man just like your boyfriend. but now i understand that tell my girlfriend all my things is not good for our love and staying.she really cares for it.and now,i would choose something suitable to tell her.
1 person likes this
• United States
19 Mar 08
Well I understand how you feel. I still get a little jealous of my husbands ex girlfriends. The one thing we had to work on was not talking about them anymore. It was partly my fault because I was constantly comparing our relationship to his past relationships. The one thing that I would recommend is that you talk to him about how it makes you feel when he talks about the past. That was something I had to learn. It is in the past and this is the present so lets live int he present. There should not be any reason for him to keep bringing them up. But maybe he doesn't realize that it is bothering you so that is why I recommend talking to him. Communication is the key even though it can be a touchy subject.
• India
19 Mar 08
I think he really loves u a lot...thats why he told u everything....i think he is a kind of person who can't hurt any body...so he is always afraid of hurting anybody..thats why he talks to the person from his past....Its not a problem..just give him a warm hug and say that u really love him and u don't need to care about anybody because i m the one who needs more care and love.....he needs more love...actually when i read ur question i thought somebody asking about me...my girlfriend was also having same problem.....if u need more suggestion i can really help u ..take care...and don't forget giving warm hug to your boyfriend...ok..bye
1 person likes this