Am I right to be jealous?
By jewel76
@jewel76 (2305)
Canada
March 24, 2008 9:47pm CST
Ok, so me and my hubby met online a little over 5 yrs ago. We got married 2 1/2 yrs ago and now have a beautiful 2 months old baby boy. So, a bit before we got married, like a few months or so, hubby was chatting up a storm online, and when i went to see who he was chatting with, i saw it was this woman...so i asked about her, and he told me she was an old acquaintance that he used to chat with way before he met me, and she hadn't been online in a while , so he was asking how she was doing and so on and so forth..ok, nothing wrong with that right? So, he chatted with this "old friend" for 4 hours, while i was sitting alone in our living room wondering what the hell they could be chatting about all this time. The next day, his best friend came online and chatted a bit with me asking how we were doing, and i decided, what the heck, let me ask him if he knows this old friend my soon to be hubby was chatting with last night...apparently, this "old friend" was more like his "old girlfriend" with whom he was ready to go live in Virginia with (we're in Montreal) and apparently she had even found him a job down there, but then they got into a fight and never spoke again until last night!!!!! And even his brother knew about her, and said that my hubby ALWAYS spoke about her at work, he seemed to really , really like her (ok, my brother in law does not know when he should lie LOL) so i confronted my soon to be hubby and he said oh my God, please, drop it, it's in the past,and besides, she's in Virginia! So, what, if she were in Montreal,i should worry?? Anyways, obviously,i got over that story..so, about a month ago, he's online chatting and i went next to him just to kiss him on the cheek,i wasn't even thinking of checking who he was chatting with, when i saw him sort of panic and try to close the conversation window! he didn't make it on time, and i saw it was this new woman he was chatting with, so again,i inquired about her, he said he met her in a chat room, cuz he had nothing to do he was bored and he went in yahoo chat rooms and she needed help with her pc and he helped her, bla bla bla...ok, so i got over that one too...and then tonight, he left his yahoo messenger on, by mistake, and don't i see that woman with the pc problems is in his list and another new woman also!!!! I freaked out! im like wtf?? every week there's a new woman in his contacts??? I asked about her and he's like oh come on, it's only a friend, and i said how come you never chat with guys? he said he does, and then i told him, funny how you never add them as contacts though...he says i make stories for nothing, i think he's going a bit overboard with the chatting..what do you think?
6 people like this
18 responses
@houndsgood (774)
• United States
25 Mar 08
If it were just for the "old girlfriend" I wouldn't panic. Imagine if you were walking in the mall and you ran into your old boyfriend. You might think "small world" and you might chat about what turns your lives have taken, who has kids, etc. But you have no interest in getting back with him. He knows you chose your husband, and he chose whoever he is with and you are happy that the other is doing okay.
Because he is chatting to all these other women, I would worry.
I met my husband online also and at first was worried when we were seriously dating about who he was talking to, but come to find out he was telling them all about me and how we met, etc.
What I would do is be the bigger person and say "hey, let's chat on the internet with our friends tonight," and sit next to him. And even initiate by messaging a mutual friend or one of your siblings. Because if you fly off the handle about things you don't know to be true, it may only make him try to hide it. Either he really has something to hide, or doesn't but just doesn't think you would "understand."
If he really has nothing to hide, and just thinks you won't understand, you may just have a good time as he "introduces you" to his friends and make it something that you share together.
I think a lot of articles that are out about "is he cheating or not?" educate women, but they can also make people really paranoid too and that makes things worse if there really is nothing going on as it pushes the spouse away and creates tension.
3 people like this
@jewel76 (2305)
• Canada
25 Mar 08
Thx for posting! When i confronted him about why he tried to close the chat window as i was heading towards him, he says he was closing it, cuz he was done, and was going to watch some tv, but it didn't look like he was done, cuz he was typing until i walked in the room. When i asked him why he doesn't tell me he has women friends, he says i won't understand, but i told him, it's because of how he makes it look that i don't understand!
@sacmom (14192)
• United States
25 Mar 08
Yes, I'd have to say you have the right to be jealous. Especially if he gets into a panic when you come into the room and he tries to close the window on the PC! What's up with that? Unless you gave him the go ahead to chat with these women, which by the sounds of it I doubt that you did, then something is seriously wrong here. I hope whatever is going on gets worked out for the sake of your marriage and child. Good luck!
2 people like this
@jewel76 (2305)
• Canada
25 Mar 08
thx for posting! Actually, i did tell him i don't mind him having female friends with whom he chats, since i have a few guy friends that i once in a blue moon chat with, for like 5 minutes. But i told him, as long as he doesn't hide anything from me..now yesterday, when i saw his yahoo, he had a new female friend that i didn't know about, so he was hiding it. that's what i don't like, cuz he makes himself look guilty of something, even though he's not doing anything wrong (by him), he makes himself look like it.
@winterose (39887)
• Canada
26 Mar 08
I THINK the warning bells are going off, I would not trust him, he is looking around for something better,
if it was just chatting he should have men in that list too, there is no excuse for that,
wake up hon, before it is too late, I have seen so many marriages break up because of either partner first chatting on the line and then running off with whomever they are chatting with
1 person likes this
@hey_baby (425)
• Philippines
25 Mar 08
if it was me, i'd go totally jealous. he's raising suspicion esp when you said he panicked when you saw him chatting.
maybe you need to get some serious talk. tell him how you feel. you can tell him in a firm but calm manner that you dont want to get to the point when you'll ask him to chose between you & your baby and his online buddies.
then discreetly monitor his online activites.
or maybe you can get your own online buddies so you'll know how he'll react :) oh well, just a thought. that's what i would do to give him a dose of his own medicine. ;)
1 person likes this
@hey_baby (425)
• Philippines
27 Mar 08
maybe you can add some more, but don't tell him. just wait till he sees your list of male friends is growing. or you can try to chat when he's around, act as if you're smiling while typing, if he comes near you, let him see you hide the window.
gosh, i'm picturing myself now in you're situation. if that happens to me, thats exactly what i'll do, and eventually i'll think of some other ways, till i get the reaction i wanted, so i can say "now, you know what i feel". hehe.. bad me :)
@vicki2876 (5636)
• Canada
25 Mar 08
Yup I would be too. Looks like he is cheating on you mentally if you know what I mean. I may sound harsh but really what if it was you who was doing it. I have had so many married men come on to me. Especially online and I am not even looking. My sister is always getting married men wanting to go with her too. Considering he knows he can build a marriage from an online relationship he is even more serious about this then someone who never had done it.
I think it is time for some counseling for your families sake. I know I am harsh but I have seen this too much. My heart goes out to your truly.
1 person likes this
@CheshireKat (564)
• United States
25 Mar 08
I think you're right to be jealous. I certainly would be. He might not see it that way if he is legitimately just catching up with old online friends. I mean, I know as a female that I have way more guy friends than I do female friends, and my man has a decent number of female friends. It's hard, but since I know he wouldn't do anything like that [well, I guess no one really -knows-, but he hasn't made me think anything otherwise, so I'll trust him for now.] I'm doing my best not to worry.
If he's really giving you a fit about 'making stories for nothing' maybe you just need to ask him 'why are you so private about these women if I don't have anything to worry about? You talking to them makes me uncomfortable, and if I have no reason to be, then don't hide them from me.'
and if you notice that he has another one added that he hasn't mentioned, I'd maybe ask his friend if he thinks you should be suspicious. It might be a dumb thing to do, and he might go back to your husband about it, but that might be the scare that he needs. If he thinks you're worried enough about it to ask his friends, maybe he'll see that it's a legitimate concern of yours and that you aren't just overreacting.
Of course, if this is happening over the span of two years, and he's only added one random woman, I wouldn't be too concerned.
2 people like this
@jewel76 (2305)
• Canada
25 Mar 08
thx for posting! It did happen in the span of 2yrs. Last time he was chatting with his "old friend/girlfriend" whatever, it was about 2 1/2 yrs ago, and now he only recently added 2 new women..1 of them, 2 weeks ago, the other one, this week. He told me it's a 42 yrs old woman from the phillipines (he's 32), but the thing is, he keeps on telling me these excuses, like she lives far, or she's older...so what if she were right here, his age ,and his type?? i'd have to worry then? and about his friend, they are not that close anymore, so even if i asked him, he wouldn't know.
@chiyosan (30184)
• Philippines
25 Mar 08
Yes i think you have every right to be jealous, he is after all your hubby and you have a baby together, for goodness' sake! why does he have to spend every single day chatting when he can help you take care of your baby...
I think he's spending too much time on the computer and so is spending too much time looking for friends online to help him keep out of boredom.
Talk to him about this, you know many things will lead to certain things if we just let it be. Better solve it now than hve trouble with it in the future.
1 person likes this
@ciades (1623)
• Philippines
25 Mar 08
Ahhmmmm? I know guys like that. Chatting with different woman, making friends in a chatroom.
Better not to react immediately. Just observe him first. And if you want to clarify him. Then ask him
while looking into his eyes.
You know sometimes guys making fun and for them flirting online is just for fun. Especially if they just chat the girl for a first time or they never saw each other in person. But for me, it should not be consider if the guy already married or living together with there partner.
1 person likes this
@ersmommy1 (12588)
• United States
26 Mar 08
I'd think if it quacks like a duck.. you know the saying. But it could be innocent. If he was truly concerned with your feelings I think he would stop the chatting.
1 person likes this
@smwilliams (647)
• United States
25 Mar 08
Okay so the old girlfriend..Yeah you got over it. However, there is absolutley no reason for him to be chatting up other women. No offense girl, but I would be just as mad and jealous. I guess maybe jealousy isnt even the word for it. These are kinda like warning signs for you. Does he tell these women that he is married and has a child? You can go back through and review his history unless he is smart and deletes it..Sometimes you have to snoop just for peace of mind. And him saying just drop it and they are just friends...well he needs to be talking to you instead. Thats kinda the whole part of a relationship...you get married to your best friend that you can share everything with. And out of respect for you because it makes you feel uncomfortable he shouldnt do it. Bring it up to him and tell him how it makes you feel and if he loves and respects you he will stop..It doesnt matter how harmless it is. If the shoe was on the other foot and he asked you to stop I'm sure you would. Good Luck!
1 person likes this
@jewel76 (2305)
• Canada
25 Mar 08
thx for posting! Apparently he does tell them he's married and has a child...but has that ever stopped anyone? That's exactly my point though, why does he need to talk to women online, why doesn't he talk to me??, he does, but i mean, what does he have to tell them? I'm confused LOL
@Guardian208 (1095)
• United States
25 Mar 08
I would get a keylogger program and monitor his chats. You can either tell him you are going to install it or not, that's up to you. But I would be concerned, especially since he is not eager to share this with you, in fact he is hiding it from you.
I cehck my wife's email periodically and she knows she can always check mine. It keeps us honest.
1 person likes this
@artemeis (4194)
• China
25 Mar 08
I believe your husband is addicted to cyber chat to the extent he is now picking up women online. I think you are jealous because you are concern and would not want him to drift away from you. If I were you, I think I would feel and react the same way as you - maybe more intense. I think I cannot tolerate him chatting with other women the majority of his time on the net. I can understand and accept his old friends and chat buddies but not those new ones I think it is just a little overboard.
Even if he is such a hot bod on the chat and is being picked, he should be wary and not get over his head too. I hope that you will be able to convince him around to spend more time with you and the baby. He needs to get himself involved as a father. May I suggest you put your family photos onto his avatar and photo id - I think that ought to remind him of his fatherly responsibilities.
1 person likes this
@jewel76 (2305)
• Canada
25 Mar 08
thx for posting! Actually, i want to make something clear here. He does fulfill his father responsiblities, more than i even imagined he would. I cannot say anything bad about him on this point, he's an excellent father and loves our baby very, very much. A lot of people have told me the same as you, that they'd accept his old chat buddies, even female ones, but not new female friends that he seeked out while being with me.
@sanyuehua (1)
• China
25 Mar 08
I could almost be sure that your hubby must have sth which you dont know. Maybe you should inquire all about this soon.
@jewel76 (2305)
• Canada
25 Mar 08
thx for posting! If he does have something which im not aware of i will find out, trust me! I know he couldn't possibly be having a physical affair, cuz he's always home with me, or at work, or out with me and the baby, so, it would make it impossible for him to have an affair (physical, at least)
@subha12 (18441)
• India
25 Mar 08
I think you are throughly justified. why he is so much into chatting with women when he is already married with a kid?
also he can engage himself in other activities. like we are mylotting. But i think he has made it a habit of chatting with other women and enjoy.Pls have a clear talk with him and bring an end to these matters.
@keep_onwatch (2680)
• India
25 Mar 08
Yeah i think its wrong. To chat with some1 you know, is okay, but making new frends{gurlz}, all th etime is something not acceptable, thats right, y cant he have male frendz? After all you met online, i mean there is every possibility, a relationship cud break up due to chatting.Better confront him and ask him to stop all this.....
1 person likes this
@barehugs (8973)
• Canada
25 Mar 08
Thank God! I'm not married to a Jealous woman! Its been 52 years married to the same woman and I enjoy flirting. I'm on Yahoo Chat and enjoy webcam chats.My wife is easy with it. She never flirts but that's her problem. The way I see it nobody (married or single) ever ownes Anyone! Life for a man married to a jealous woman must be Hell! Just the fact that she has no faith, and no trust and believes she owns her husband would turn me right off. (incidently I've never cheated on my Wife, because I love her dearly!)
@jewel76 (2305)
• Canada
25 Mar 08
thx for posting! Ok, i understand your point of view,but at least your wife knows that you enjoy chatting/flirting and she's ok with it. My husband HIDES it from me, that's what bothers me! Not the fact that he has women friends, cuz i myself have male friends, but the fact that when i ask about them, he seems all bothered and secretive and i've made it clear to him i dont mind if he has female friends. I'm not a psycho jealous possessive wife if that's what you thought i was. And it's not that i have no faith, it's he has no communication and trust towards me. He should be able to tell me everything and anything,shouldn't he??
@mzginger (1)
• United States
7 Aug 08
Im kinda in the same stuck lil position. I dont know if i have the right to be worried and jealous or if im just plain insecure and need to work on it. My bf and I when we first met pretty much did everything together, and its like I didnt have to worry about who he talks to or w/e. But its like there was small things that I kinda just let go of and is kinda ketchin up wit me now. For example at the beginning of our relationship he told me he was way over his ex and out of know were she calls him to tell him shes coming over to his house and that she wanted to say hi or w/e. At first I was like sure that kool with me ya kno cuz i figured this would be a chance to just meet her and say hi but when we got there she just kept walking and didnt even look at me or say hi. (by the way my bf is black and im white) so i wasnt sure if she just plain didnt like me or didnt like the idea of him pickin a white gurl over her or something. (at least thats what some of my friends say) either way i was tryin to make peace with her. And its like now all she does is send him messages about how she saw him and just random stupid stuff and texts him. I send a message back sayin that I didnt care about her sending messages to myspace or facebook but i felt his cell was alil too personal and was pushin boundaries and alil disrespectful. She said sorry but later that night had her cousin send a message sayin "hey baby how u been?" which then i felt he needed to just let go over her. But she would always make excuses about how her cousin is always like that and blabla. But to this very day his ex still texts him and it even came to the point where he promised he wouldnt repsond but then i find out he would and try to hide it. He made the excuse he just wanted to be nice or she didnt do anything to deserve it, or w/e. Now ist like hes always mad at me because iit bothers me cuz i just feel im not being respected in the relationship and that i shouldnt even think about her. But its hard because i feel never once have i ever thought he'd try and hide things from me or even pick her side over me. I need help any advice?
