Congratulations or Sympathy?

@SViswan (12051)
India
April 28, 2008 4:06am CST
I don't know what to make of this situation. There's this couple with a 3 year old child who moved into our apartment complex around a year back. In the course of our conversations, they have made it very clear that they do not want another child (not that it's any of my business...but they brought it up). Well, guess what? The lady's pregnant...and she told me about it a couple of days back. Now, what does a normal person do? I did the same. I congratulated her. And she didn't like it!!! Her response was...'You know very well we didn't want another baby....so what's the point of congratulating us?' I was too stumped to say anything else. They plan to have the baby. And they aren't moping around about it. Now what would you have said?
33 people like this
87 responses
@subha12 (18441)
• India
28 Apr 08
i think you were not wrong in congratulationg. may be as they were not expecting it, they are taking this in bad mood. don't feel bad. people oftn behave this way when they ar not in good mood.
4 people like this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
28 Apr 08
I didn't feel bad....I was just like...'hunh'? What did I say wrong? She didn't seriously think I would say...'I'm so sorry you are pregnant when you didn't want the baby'? She was smiling when she told me the news....and looked like she was looking forward to having the baby.
3 people like this
@paid2write (5201)
28 Apr 08
What did she expect you to say? If you had said it was a terrible thing to happen I don't think she would have been too pleased! Maybe the woman was just feeling a bit upset about her unwanted pregnancy. I expect when the baby is born she will feel differently.
@SViswan (12051)
• India
28 Apr 08
lol..I have no idea what she expected me to say. I'm sure she will feel differently once the baby is born...and they aren't moping around. She probably was having one of those days....I didn't ask because we aren't very close.
2 people like this
• India
28 Apr 08
Speaking very bluntly Sandhya, I think it’s a stupid answer from a very stupid person. Interacting with you for past several months, I think I have an idea of your neighbours and I feel that most of them are educated well-informed and decisive in their attitude (like you and me and most of our acquaintances). You would hardly find a modern couple these days, who make such 'mistakes' and then go around complaining about it. Firstly, she had no business telling you something so personal about themselves and that too, so soon and secondly she should at least have had the decency to hide the goof-up and instead smile and say 'Thank you, we changed our mind". Just goes to show how thick some people can be. (But if you get to know her better later, do tell me if I am wrong).
3 people like this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
28 Apr 08
lol...I don't think you are wrong...that has been my impression of her all along...and that's why she isn't a close friend of mine. I expected more in the lines of 'Thank you, we changed our minds' (I wouldn't even have mentioned that she didn't want the baby and what happened...it's none of my business). They've just moved from the U.S. and probably feel we are all uneducated Indians...lol. My interaction with her is very brief....we meet downstairs during our evening walk...and do not really discuss about our lives. I'm not very comfortable with her viewpoints on certain things (and definitely do not like her husband's attitude)...so I keep my distance...smile when it is needed and mind my own business. I help them when I can (that's one of the reasons I was the first to know of her pregnancy.....I'm usually around when the husband is at work...and if she needs anything, I'm the only one she can call). Anyways, I'm not hurt....I was just confused (more like....'hunh?')
3 people like this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
29 Apr 08
lol..I don't care...it's their problem...just as having the child is. I've got too many problems of my own..than to take this onto my head too!
1 person likes this
• India
29 Apr 08
Yes, I can imagine such people. We have one uncle from my hubby’s side, both he and his wife are professors in the great US of A. Every year they come down, MAN!!! are they given the royal treatment and do they treat us like groveling Indians. Wonder who asks such people to come down and as for your ‘friend’ and her hubby, wonder what made them want to relocate???
@mimpi1911 (25464)
• India
28 Apr 08
This is so rude of the lady! What else did she expect from someone and anyone for that matter. Congratulations is the only thing that one can think of in such situations. I can understand that it was not planned but since they have opted for keeping the baby, I think, she should have been little more tolerant. She's been grouchy but this will only affect her health but who will make her understand! poor lady..lol... I think we can give her benefit of doubt taking mood swings into account...lol..
3 people like this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
28 Apr 08
Mood swings I understand...lol But this lady called me and told me the news (and she was smiling)...I don't know what reaction she was expecting from me. We aren't even close....so I wouldn't make a joke or tease her about it. some people are just wierd..lol
2 people like this
@mimpi1911 (25464)
• India
28 Apr 08
Yes I agree to both of you. SV, you have exemplary neighbors. LOL.. Happy living with neighbors.
3 people like this
@Candee (530)
• India
28 Apr 08
really weird!! I just hope she overcomes it all and have a safe and sound term.
2 people like this
@ellie26 (4139)
• Malaysia
28 Apr 08
Unplanned pregnancy or unwanted pregnancy sometimes any couples or person in a dilemma. Some will just stick to their original plan of not wanting a child and go for an abortion. But in this case, though they didn't want another child but later found out the lady is pregnant, decided to have the baby after all. It shows that they are human after all. If I were in your situation, I would just keep quiet and listen to their grumbling about their unexpected pregnancy. You know, pregnant woman can be very sensitive.
@SViswan (12051)
• India
28 Apr 08
Oh yes, I understand what you are saying...lol...I was pretty bad myself (with both pregnancies). Anyways, they aren't grumbling or anything....and she told me in a big way (though we aren't very good friends)...and I thought Congratulations were in place. Now, I'm wondering if SHE considers me a good friend and wanted to talk....hmmm.
4 people like this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
28 Apr 08
As far as I'm concerned, she's neither a friend nor an enemy. She's just someone I see everyday who stays in the same apartment complex.
3 people like this
@ellie26 (4139)
• Malaysia
28 Apr 08
She might not consider you as a good friend but probably just a friend. That is good rather than enemy.
2 people like this
@MsCYPRAH (394)
29 Apr 08
How awful for you. I can understand your predicament, especially in view of her reaction. But she was right, in a way. She did confide in you that she did not want another child, so unless she told you otherwise, you would have to assume that the situation remained the same. Without the interactive skills to deal with the situation, I can appreciate why you would offer congrats and be surprised at her reaction to it. But the correct response, the minute she told you she was pregnant, was to say: "And how do you feel about it, in view of what you told me?" Then you would have allowed her to be honest and you would have discovered that congratulations would have been the last thing she wanted. Then follow up with something like: "What happens now, or do you need more time to work it out? I am very happy with you being pregnant, but obviously sad at your situation which must be confusing for you. But I am here to talk whenever you wish to." That would prevent her being judged and also emphasise that she does have a friend she can turn to. Then things might not look so bad to her. Most important, talking to her regularly would have helped her to crystalise her thoughts and highlight the options she has available. Who knows, with a little bit of regular emotional support from you as a friend, she could even change her mind about her situation and welcome the baby. Often it is simply fear of our situation, of being isolated and unable to cope and fear of the future which makes many women fear more children. A little bit of encouragement could work wonders in many cases, without imposing our desires on them. Don't worry too much about her being angry. She probably need someone to be angry with and you feel straight into it. Just apologise sincerely and then try and talk to her, to comfort her and see how she feels. Admit your were a little hasty and clumsy in your response and you do sympathise with her position. She sounds as though she could do with this reassurance and friendship just now.
@SViswan (12051)
• India
30 Apr 08
I understand what you are saying. She probably does need a friend...but that's not me. We are not close...and she didn't really confide in me....she would tell everyone when we met in a group. If she was close friend of mine or a sibling, I would have done all the things you mentioned. But we are not like that....we stay in the same apartment complex and she does ask me for help when she needs it. Besides that we do not discuss anything....not even the kids. I don't know her well....and she called me over to tell me the news...and she also mentioned that her husband asked her to tell me...because I'll be the only one around to help when her husband's at work. So, I understood it to be as informing me of the fact that she is pregnant. But you are right....she probably does need reassurance and friendship...but like I said...I'm not the one to do that...she should be getting it from her spouse...or a good friend.
1 person likes this
@rmuxagirl (7548)
• United States
28 Apr 08
I would have done the same th ing you did congradulate her but idk maybe say "i know you didn't want another one, but there are blessings to having children." and leave it at that.
3 people like this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
29 Apr 08
She seemed happy when she told me the news. And since we aren't close, I didn't want to bring up the topic of her not wanting kids.
2 people like this
@Darkwing (21583)
28 Apr 08
I would have said exactly the same as you did. I would have congratulated them. After all, it's not your problem... it's hers. If they really didn't want any more children, there are ways to prevent it. Do you know what I think? I think she's trying to create some sensationalism around getting pregnant... you know, as if she's the only one in the world who fell pregnant when she didn't want to? I think I'd avoid her like the plague from now on. She sounds as though she's a very rude person, in not accepting your congratulations and you'd be better off saving your kind words for those who appreciate them. Brightest Blessings, my dear friend.
@SViswan (12051)
• India
29 Apr 08
lol...I don't know what the case is. My first born was unexpected....I always wanted kids but we didn't plan to have one the first year we were married.....and lol...I told that to anyone who would listen! So, I was a little embarassed when I had my child 10 months into my marriage.....but I accepted the congratulations (and the teasing) in a very sportive way. She's not someone I'm close too...and she was smiling when she told me the news....I had no reason to think congratulations were not in place. I'm usually very careful with my words around them(I'm not comfortable talking to them...viewpoints don't match...and I can't stand the husband).
2 people like this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
30 Apr 08
lol..probably some wierdness from the husband rubbed off on her too!
1 person likes this
@Darkwing (21583)
29 Apr 08
She seems a bit strange to me, my friend!
@James72 (26790)
• Australia
29 Apr 08
I too would have said congratulations! I just hope that by the time this child is born that she and her husband have changed their tune. God help the poor child if it hasn't, as the child will grow up thinking that its very presence is negative. If they didn't want another baby, then maybe they should have been a little more careful! It makes me sad to be honest; especially when you think of all the people in the world that are deserved of having children but can't.
3 people like this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
30 Apr 08
lol..funny thing! They want the baby...and anyone who meets them now would never think they didn't want this baby. I have no idea why the lady said what she did. She's not even close to me that I should discuss why she changed her mind. Like I said, none of my business....she probably wanted it to be my business...lol
1 person likes this
@ycanteye (778)
• United States
29 Apr 08
I would have said the same as you. I think it was rather rude of the woman to respond like she did. I feel sorry for the child. I have the feeling it will never feel loved or wanted just from what you have said about the attitude of this woman.
2 people like this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
30 Apr 08
She's not upset and I don't think the child will have any problems. I'm sure the child will be loved as much as the first child. I have no clue why she said what she said though....I'm going to blame it on the hormones.
1 person likes this
@ycanteye (778)
• United States
30 Apr 08
I sure hope you're right. I guess I shouldn't have judged this situation by a similar one I knew about. A former friend of mine was in much the same situation and never missed a chance to tell her kids things to the effect that she wished she had never had them and that they owed her.
• Lubbock, Texas
29 Apr 08
She won't necessarily take it out on the child. I tried nearly every kind of birth control available except the pill. None of them worked effectively and 3 of my 5 were surprises, I was upset at being pregnant at first, but how in the world can any one resist a helpless, cuddly, bundle of joy when it arrives? Mine are all grown now, an though it was a genuine trial supporting and raising them they are the very best part of my life.
• United States
28 Apr 08
I wouldn't have said anything, even though congratulations is the normal response. Knowing they didn't want another child, I would have let the comment fall to the wayside, and let her continue with what she wanted to say next.
3 people like this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
29 Apr 08
I guess that's what I should have done. But she called me over to tell me the news and she seemed happy about it.
3 people like this
• Australia
10 May 08
I would have said that everything happens for a reason, and that while they didn't plan on having any more, they will come to accept and enjoy this one too. Making the most of what happens unexpectedly is just as important as making the most of the things we have planned. I would probably asked her if she wanted to talk about how she was feeling etc and offer to listen and help her come to terms with it all. This pregnancy for me (baby #5) was not meant to happen, but it did, and while I wasn't terribly impressed to begin with, I know that I will love my baby just as much as I love my other girls.
2 people like this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
22 May 08
I would have done that if it was a friend...but we aren't close and I didn't think it was necessary to even discuss the matter. My first pregnancy was a surpirse...but I started to love the baby from the moment I knew I was pregnant.
2 people like this
• Australia
26 Jun 08
yeah, every little life is precious, and no matter how they came into being, it isn't their fault. No one asks to be born after all!lol.
• United States
28 Apr 08
Usually when someone tells me they are getting married I respond with "congratulations or condolences, whichever the case may be" and it gets a laugh out of them but in this case I would not have offered a congrats since I knew they didn't want more children. But I would think that after making the decision not to have any more children they would have taken necessary precautions to ensure that this didn't happen. I'm glad to hear they are keeping it, I just hope mom's attitude towards the new addition changes before she gives birth.
3 people like this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
29 Apr 08
Funny part is they ARE looking forward to the baby. If someone met them now, they wouldn't think they never wanted another child. Oh well, the lady was probably having one of those days....but with the husband being the wierdo he is, I couldn't help thinking it rubbed off on her too!
1 person likes this
@DonnaLawson (4032)
• United States
29 Apr 08
I believe that I would steer clear of this person, she appears to want drama in her life.. She is an adult and could have taken birth control to stop an unwanted pregnancy, but she didn't.. If she was honest in her intentions not to have another child, then she should have made sure that it didn't happen.. I am not sure about another child for her, she may need to give it up for adoption and give it to someone who would love, appreciate, and cherish a new life brought into this world, not raise it begrudgingly.. I am not sure if the child will be coming into the world into the best environment.. Are they good to the 3-yr old?? I do believe that I would have reservations about their ability to parent the one that they have and don't really believe they need another one.. I thought most all babies/children were gifts from God and not something to begrudge having in your life simply because you didn't do the responsible thing and practice some type of birth control.. The parents are not very responsible.. God help this new baby..
2 people like this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
30 Apr 08
they are happy about the new baby...and they are great with the older one. I have no idea why she said what she did...she was probably having one of those days. I'm not upset at what she told me....I'm not even close to her.
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Apr 08
I guess what I really meant was, "If she honestly knew that she did not want any more children", then any type of birth control should have been utilized.. I am aware that birth control pills do not always work, but there are alternative methods other than the b/c pills.. And in my opinion all children are blessings..
@balasri (26537)
• India
30 Apr 08
I would have done the same thing that a normal decent person would have done like you.It beats me how certain people can have a very strange attitude problems.Thank God we are normal.
2 people like this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
1 May 08
Yes, thank God we are normal..lol
2 people like this
@secretbear (19448)
• Philippines
11 May 08
if i know that they aren't planning to have a second child, i would have said, "weren't you being careful?". i would have not congratulated them but i would definitely tell them to keep the baby. its there and however we may think about it, its their fault. they weren't careful enough and they just go on having their own pleasure. they say they don't want a second child but they don't take serious precaution. and besides, who knows, in the future, that baby would be the lucky star for them. although i'm not saying that they are unlucky. you know, the baby might give them more blessings in the future. and its a baby! its God's gift. they shouldn't mope about it. they should be happy.
2 people like this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
22 May 08
They aren't moping and that's why I congratulated her. And I'm not close to them...so I didn't think it was necessary to discuss the pregnancy.
1 person likes this
@drannhh (15219)
• United States
1 May 08
She sounds like she is shy of a few marbles in the brain department because why would she tell you she is pregnant without giving a weather report so to speak. A few weeks ago I would have said another thing but now we are in California for the summer, and here the appropriate remark would have been "How do you feel about that?" Once we had a neighbor who introduced herself in the yard the day we moved in like this--she said "my name is [so-and-so] and these are my two MISTAKES" meaning her children. I was horrified, especially that she called them that within their hearing. We were glad when we moved away.
2 people like this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
1 May 08
Oh my! My first born was unexpected (though I was kind of expecting it..lol)but I'll never call him a MISTAKE! He's a wonderful child and definitely not a mistake. How do you feel about that? seems the right thing to say....but I didn't think of discussing how she feels because I'm not close to her...and we don't discuss anything.
2 people like this
@mykaylala (214)
• United States
29 Apr 08
I would have looked at her and asked "is that a good thing or a bad thing?" and when she said bad thing i would have replied with " I just cant imagine how a baby could be such a bad thing, no matter how many you have it is still a blessing" she probably wouldn't have liked that response either but hey its the truth lol.
@SViswan (12051)
• India
29 Apr 08
Since she and I aren't close...I didn't think I needed to spend my time and words discussing her pregnancy.
2 people like this
• United States
29 Apr 08
Yea if you feel that way I can see why you wouldn't want to spend time talking to someone who you don't know about their pregnancy.
@Candee (530)
• India
28 Apr 08
She must be one weird lady. I do not know but she is not happy for sure. Just leave her alone. After some days she will recover and after having the baby she would regret of having said such words. Babies are the best healer on earth.
2 people like this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
28 Apr 08
I help her when I can. But I don't care for her comments...we aren't even close. I didn't go to her...she called me over to tell me the news....and she was smiling.
1 person likes this
@Candee (530)
• India
28 Apr 08
she must be nuts!
@sisterjinx (1135)
• United States
29 Apr 08
I think it was very rude of them to respond this way. Congratulations is a very normal response. Though I have learned to ask, are you happy about it, before saying anything. Most people are not going to say no and if they do the conversation simply goes in a different direction. However I don't think that there was a "right" thing to say to this person. Don't feel badly. Some people simply don't function well in society. lol
2 people like this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
29 Apr 08
lol...I understood what you meant. I don't feel bad about what she said...we aren't even friends.
2 people like this
• United States
29 Apr 08
"Some people simply don't function well in society" I meant them not you. lol. Sorry, I read that after I had hit post and then realized it could be taken wrong.
1 person likes this