Divorce Sparks Style

Regina, Saskatchewan
May 19, 2008 1:53am CST
Well I did it. The final divorce papers have been signed and are ready for serving and submission to the courts. And I got the soon to be ex to actually drive me to my lawyer's and wait in the car while I carved up his a*s-ets! LOL I know he's going to contest it. He really doesn't have a choice if he wants to have a lifestyle of his own after I'm gone that doesn't include a woman. .............. Yeah, like he'll be long without someone else to manipulate! LOL But regardless, at the end of the month he HAS to leave the house and move into our RV (or an apt. in the city;his choice) and by then he'll have been served and the 'battle for control' will really begin. C'est la vie! I've reached my wall, and I will NOT allow him to tear it down and me in the process. I've even asked for his beloved truck! LOL I figure if I go into this asking for everything, then the concessions I'll be willing to make will be for things I don't need or want anyway and in the end I'll get exactly (or VERY close to) the things I do want and need. I'm not greedy by any means, but if there's one thing the soon to be ex has taught me, it's to look out for number one when the chips are down. I gotta tell you it was weird getting everything finalized and signed, sealed and ready for delivery. So different from my last go round. The trip home from the city was even weirder. I was lost in thought but strangely calm and believe it or not, I never said a word! LOL Neither did he. After we got back, he spent a few hours outside cleaning up the backyard and then got called into work. But he's been rather pleasant and so have I. Next week, when he's had time to mull things over I'm sure I'll have to start fielding probing question about what he should expect, but hey - he can probe all he wants. My stock answer will be. "But honey, I don't want to spoil the surprise!" LOL Ok, maybe I won't say that, but you can be sure I won't be giving anything away. I know he's now got a lawyer of his own, so let his lawyer and mine fight it out. So there you have it. Sparks has declared her independence and you know - I don't feel the least bit guilty!Do YOU think there's any way to have a 'nice' divorce?
23 people like this
39 responses
@sid556 (30989)
• United States
20 May 08
Good for you sparks!! Just don't cave in when he starts getting really nice....thats what they do when you are on your way out. They start acting just how you wished they'd acted while you were together. thing that is sad is that they are sincere but can't live up to their own words. From what i've read from previous posts, this man sounds very controlling. When my ex and I split up, i he also gave me a ride to the court house for the restraining order.
5 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
20 May 08
Was the restaining order against HIM? If it was, WELL DONE YOU! lol That's got me beat! Yes, my soon to be ex is/was very controlling and that's what drove me away. I've been too independant most of my adult life, and when these control issues started, I honestly didn't know how to react. Now I do and it will never happen to me again. As for his behaviour now - I hope he sticks with it, but wont' be surprised or upset if he doesn't. I'm ok, and that's all that counts right now. That may sound selfish, but I've been rather too 'selfless' for too long and it's time to take ME back.
5 people like this
@sid556 (30989)
• United States
21 May 08
Yes....the restraining order was against him....he was trying to "act" supportive. Truth is that the judge saw thru him and told him that he was lucky that I wasn't suing him and that all I wanted was distance from him. I was still doing that balancing act...trying to let him into my life enough for the kids and yet still trying to distance myself from him. Its really hard. I too am so independent almost to a fault...have a hard time accepting help and then when I get with someone who is very dependent and I always do...I can't deal with it. I think it would be nice to have someone who at least wants to take care of me even tho i probably wouldnt't let them....it'd be a nice thought...much better than the ones that expect me to care for them all the time. Good luck sparks....I'm glad you are finally getting out of this situation. I think you'll find your life turning around...new beginnings. You'll have to keep us posted. I expect to hear happy things from you altho...to your credit you've always managed to post "happy" when we all know that you can't possibly be.
1 person likes this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
22 May 08
I had that same prob with my first ex - the father of my kids. These days we can't talk without fighting and I find that so sad. Thanks for the kind words sid, and you bet I'll keep you all posted on the soon to be ex! LOL
@bellaofchaos (11549)
• United States
20 May 08
way to go luv. I don't know if there is a way to have a nice divorce. I would just like to be divorced at some point in my life. LOL!!!I have seen many divorces and none of them pretty . But I guess it depends on the situation that surrounds the divorce. I mean if say you both fell out of love and seperated and then decided to get a divorce after a year of seperation it might be friendly but I doubt it. I know when I send the divorce papers to my other half even though we haven't seen eachother in almost 9 years. I think I might have a fight ahead of me. LOL!!! But oh well. I'll live and I'll make aure that it's as quick and painless as possible.
5 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
20 May 08
Geez bella - NINE years! Holy moly. But you know, now that I think about it - it was nearly nine years after I left my first hubs before I actually had the divorce. We were such good friends and divorce just never came up. Then he met his current wife and I knew it was time to really cut the strings and we can barely be civil to each other. Sad.
5 people like this
• United States
22 May 08
definitely sad when you can't be civil to someone that you were once so close with. I know what you mean I'm at odds with my ex anytime we see eachother.
1 person likes this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
22 May 08
Sucks doesn't it? To be so negatively inclined to someone you once loved?*sigh*
@Rosekitty (19396)
• San Marcos, Texas
20 May 08
Sparky..good for you! and no and yes on the good divorce..my first one was a friendly one and to this day we are still riends..it would have been out 38th may 9th..the second one is a greedy A...... and loves to brag about his 10 homes..well hope his 10 homes can take are of him in his old age and change his depends..LOL
5 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
20 May 08
LOL - remind me to never be in a position to have to divorce YOU kitty! ROFL
4 people like this
@Rosekitty (19396)
• San Marcos, Texas
20 May 08
Okie Dokie..I'm sure we'd be friends for along time and i will be there for you if you need your depends changed..LOL..might even give you your ex's truck back..hee heee..i forgot to tell you i borrowed it! Lets see him find it now..
5 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
20 May 08
Thank you for the lovely compliment kitty, now give back the damn truck before his lawyer has me arrested! rofl
4 people like this
• United States
20 May 08
Wow Sparks, sounds like a small reprieve that you so needed and deserved. I suppose I have had a few friends that had friendly divorces, but these were people that did not have much invested in the marriage to begin with. I really think you are being rather smart about the way you are handling everything. I am awfully proud of you.
4 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
20 May 08
Thanks Angel. Now that he knows it's a given fact, he's being down right pleasant! So maybe it will be a 'nice' divorce after all.................I live in hope right?
3 people like this
• United States
20 May 08
Sparky I never ever trust the calm on a stormy day......
5 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
20 May 08
I'm a sailor from away back, so neither do I, but I'm prepared and that's a good thing. I am determined not to lose my mind (well not what's left anyway!), my temper, or my dignity. Think of the memories he'll have of this whole affair once I'm gone? ROFL......revenge is a dish best served cold!!!!!! My revenge will be how I handled myself against HIS behaviour. He is really a very smart man. THIS will occur to him - after the fact and one day I'll just look up and start laughing and I'll know that's the day the penny dropped in his head as to whom was really in control the whole time! LOL
3 people like this
• United States
20 May 08
A nice divorce? Yeah I think there is. Working for the military I have come across plenty of guys who have stayed "legally" married to their wives for the mandatory amount of time needed for the wife to continue receiving health benefits and a part of their pension, after the divorce is final. I always thought that was nice of them. I believe the magic number is 15 years. I'm sure they both have gone their own ways long before that but it makes me believe that people can be amicable in that situation. My divorce....lol. Makes yours look like a picnic in the park that got invaded with ants. Whereas I would compare mine to being thrown out of a plane with a faulty parachute. (notice at least I was given a parachute, but it didn't do me any good and I still ended up face down in the dirt.)
4 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
20 May 08
But you got up again and now there are 'roses' growing in that dirt - so who had the last laugh huh? Women rule!!!
3 people like this
• United States
20 May 08
Yes, yes we do!
4 people like this
• Canada
20 May 08
I think that the only time that a divorce can be nice is when both parties decide to be that way despite their feelings, or they're both so desperate to be away from each other they don't argue just to get it done! When children are involved it's so important to keep the arguing out of it for their sakes and to be civil and try to make the arrangements of the divorce mostly to care for the children and make the transition for them as smooth as possible. I don't get the impression that children are in the immediate mix for you, but usually the more civil the divorce the better for everyone. But I don't mean let him walk all over you! Once things are in motion, try to only communicate through the lawyers. I hope that things go (relatively) quickly for you and that you find happiness again on the other side!
4 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
20 May 08
You are so right buttercup and that's the way I want to see it go - no arguing. I"m not against negotiating, but let's be adult and civil about it. The minute it turns to petty arguement, I'm outta there. And England is on the other side for me, so I'll be happy for sure! LOL
3 people like this
@uath13 (8204)
• United States
20 May 08
Mine was a nice divorce. We both realized we couldn't live together any longer. I generously told her what she'd get. The first time she tried anything She quickly found out I'd stacked the cards where there was no way she could get anything else. We still stayed friends until I learned how she was using my daughter as a tool & maid. Then I quickly learned to hate her.
4 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
20 May 08
I think my lawyer has rather stacked the cards too! LOL I'm prepared to be fair. I just want to walk away with enough to start over without having to kill myself to do it. My days of doing it the hard way are over!
3 people like this
• United States
20 May 08
Since I went through a very nasty divorce and mine was finalized a month ago, I don't think there is such a thing as a "nice divorce". I wish you well, but take it from experience, no matter how well you think its going to turn out, there are obstacles along the way.
• Regina, Saskatchewan
20 May 08
I hear you loud and clear sdmoonchild. And I'm prepared for that. I'm still going to do my best though to keep it as short and pleasant as possible. Congrats on your own escape! LOL
3 people like this
• United States
20 May 08
Well happy divorce filing day. I know that sounds bad, but when you have been in a marriage with a manipulative man, you feel sorry for all other women who are still there. So I say HAPPY DIVORCE Filing DAY! to you. Now you can get on with rebuilding your life. Blessings Marilyn
• Regina, Saskatchewan
20 May 08
I like the sound of that saying Marilyn!
3 people like this
@p1kef1sh (45638)
19 May 08
Reading what you have written has given me an overwhelming feeling of sadness Sparky. The cut had to be made and he brought it on himself. But it is still the end of something that started in love. I truly hope this leads to you being happier in the future. I can't comment on your question. I have no experience in that area at all.
4 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
19 May 08
I understand exactly what you mean P1ke. I feel the sadness of the loss of 'what was, what could have been, what should have been' too. This was a hard place to come to in my heart and head. I just can't afford to have regrets. or guilt at my own shortcomings will eat me alive, and I don't deserve that either. Annie can tell you how much I gave it my best shot because she knows me inside out. And she can tell you too how hard this kind of decision and follow through has been for me. It is sad, but I cried my last tears Saturday night over this, and now to save myself from depression I must look forward to my dreams and goals. I'm off to bed now. Good night dear friend.
2 people like this
@skinnychick (6906)
• United States
19 May 08
I actually did have a nice divorce in the end...Partied with my ex after we got out of court. LOL... We had both come to the realization after a bunch of stupid arguing that we were just better friends. He is actually one of my best friends which is weird.We share a daughter and it's better for her that way, she is only 6. She has even said we are much better now that a few years have gone by. We get along better...I guess it just depends on the 2 people involved and what conclusions they have come to about the end of their marriage. I had a nice divorce and a fun one too. It wasn't really a fight over anything, it was just that we were better friends and hopelessly bad at marriage.
3 people like this
• United States
19 May 08
I even lucked out there...I have a family friend who is a divorce/family law attorney. I guess the universe was just screaming that it was the right thing to do since everything fell into place so well. It was one of the few things in my life that was almost effortless. Go figure.
• United States
19 May 08
I would keep it anyway! LOL
2 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
19 May 08
As long as I get the car, I'm happy. I managed to save it from being repossessed so I think I've earned it. And I can't drive the truck across the ocean - I'd sink! LOL
1 person likes this
@Deea48 (1168)
• United States
20 May 08
Honestly Spark I really do not think there is such a thing as a nice divorce. There would be no divorce if things were nice. But it does sound like you have set things up to your advantage smart woman. I hope when all is said and done, your ex moves on, you get what you need. Then you will finaly be able to start new and fresh. Best of luck to you hun. I am posting a image, that made me think of your situation.
• Regina, Saskatchewan
20 May 08
Thanks so much Deea, but you know, I really do think if people don't decend into petty arguments, a divorce while maybe not nice, can at least be civilized. At least my first one was and I'm trying to make sure this one is too.
3 people like this
@Deea48 (1168)
• United States
20 May 08
oops I do not see the image. Hmmm ...
3 people like this
@Deea48 (1168)
• United States
20 May 08
Wow that was quick, well of course you are right, my ex and I after 18 years did manage to have a civalized divorce. We had kids and I did not want any drama. So if that is what you ment then I have to agree then.
3 people like this
@moneyandgc (3430)
• United States
19 May 08
Congratulations on making the first big step! My divorce was different. It was not nice at first. He was controlling and didn't want the divorce. I was tired of being under his thumb as I had been living that way since I was 18 (16 if you count the two years we dated before we married). We have 3 children together. He made it difficult even though I let him keep everything! I took my computer and my dresser. That's it. He wanted to keep those too. We have joint custody but the kids live with him for the school year. He was better capable of caring for them at the time. They are healthy, happy and thriving...and a little too spoiled. Anyway, we both re-married and have daughters around the same age. My ex was jealous of my husband forever so they didn't get along. They are pretty nice to one another now after almost 6 years but they will never be friends. My ex-husband's wife is now one of my best friends. My ex and I get along better now too. He calls me of all people when he has personal problems. If my husband could get the military to move us back down South, things would be much better. So, even if things are bad now. There is still a chance of it working out in the end. But you have no children together so even if it doesn't...you never have to talk to him again if you don't want to!
3 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
19 May 08
My first divorce actually went well and we remained good friends for many years. His current wife really is a nightmare though and she and I will never be friends. My current hubs is a control freak, and now that I've taken my personal control back, it's going to be intersting to see how he handles it.
3 people like this
• United States
20 May 08
My ex and I get along pretty good now. It took him awhile to get over the fact that he no longer has any control over me. He tried and tried and for a little bit it was working because I was just so used to it. We had two vehicles at the time but they were both in his name. I kept one but made all the payments and insurance. He would always hold it over my head and threaten me with it. Telling me he was going to take it away. One day I drove it to his house and parked it in his drive way. I had had enough. It was then his responsibility to pay for it because my name was nowhere on it. I got rid of anything that he could possibly use against me. Now he has nothing. Well, the kids and he has tried that approach but it doesn't work. He was hating that he didn't have control over me and that I didn't give a rat's butt what he thought anymore. After he got over that...we were pretty cool. We can hang out and be fine. Even if I didn't want to see him I wouldn't have much of a choice. Not only because of the kids but because he lives directly next door to my parents!
2 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
22 May 08
"lives next door to your parents"! Oh my! My mom thought the world of my first ex. She refused to talk to me for the longest time after I left him. One day I found out that she'd invited him out to lunch and he stupidly brought his new girlfriend with him! My mom doesn't talk to him anymore! ROFL
1 person likes this
• Canada
20 May 08
Well, my, my, my. Aren't you just the MOST! Cool! I am very happy about this turn of events. And will be anxiously awaiting the 'next stage', too. As it should be very interesting indeed. But that said, I'm so glad you are feeling empowered and able to 'do without him'. On the note of a 'nice divorce', yes, there is such a thing. My last husband and I simply spent 6 mos 'carving out' an agreement between us and presented it to our lawyers. Since we had already agreed to all the terms, it was a cheap one, only $1,000, just for the legal work necessary to file everything and get the decree. The more you debate and disagree, the more the lawyers make on you, simple.
3 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
20 May 08
That's why HE'S paying the legal fees - and you can bet that will keep him from dragging things out! LOL
3 people like this
• Canada
20 May 08
Excellent! Just wonderful! You are as smart as you look, my dear. I am quite pleased with you.
3 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
22 May 08
I'm quite pleased with me too! ROFL
@novataylor (6570)
• United States
19 May 08
I can't tell you how pleased I am to hear this. Finally. Honestly, Spark, I don't know how you've managed to get it all done and maintain any civility at all but you have. You took the most horrible situation and somehow made it different, you caused a change in the stbx's behavior and THAT's a freaking miracle. So if you can maintain the status quo till the end of the month, you're gonna be able to breathe again. It sounds like you've got the right idea in what you're asking for - cover those bases, hedge those bets, ya know? Smart woman, good for you. The two divorces I had were quite amicable, but the situations were vastly different from yours. With both of mine, all I wanted was out. But we didn't have a home like you do and all of the things one acquires in a longer marriage or when you're older. I can't imagine going through a 'real' divorce, honestly. They all sound like nightmares. But, I'm never going to have to deal with that - me and my hubby will be together till they cart us off to the crematorium. This is it for me. Third time's the charm. I finally picked the right man. How about that? Who woulda thunk it? You have no reason to feel guilty about ANYTHING, Spark, not a bloomin' thing. Independence Day is coming and we are gonna c-e-l-e-b-r-a-t-e!!! You're gonna be so freeeeee, baby, you're gonna fly!!!
3 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
19 May 08
Age does have a way of tempering temper if you know what I mean. And being slightly insane in the humor department helps a lot too! LOL Now get your butt over to my 'Sparks Day at the Races' discussion! You are going to love it! LOL
2 people like this
• United States
19 May 08
I'm off to the races discussion!!!
2 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
19 May 08
What a well trained little nova you are! LOL
1 person likes this
@kbourgerie (8780)
• United States
19 May 08
I'm glad to hear that you have taken control of your life. I am very proud of you. I know it hasn't been an easy ride. Divorce can be messy and miserable. I was lucky when I got divorced. We had been seperated for awhile and it was just as easy as asking for a chocolate biscuit. We didn't have any property to divide or any qualms either way. It was just a matter of paperwork. I've had live-in relationships that were more difficult to end. So yes, I think you can have a "nice" divorce, but at the same time, I don't think it happens that frequently. There are so many variables, children, property, feelings. When I got divorced we didn't have any of the three. That made it really easy to finish on a amicable level.
3 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
19 May 08
And that's the key really Kat - no kids involved. So really there is no reason for it to get really messy unless he gets petty. I'm hoping he won't. I'm willing to make concessions, as long as I can walk away with enough to start over without breaking my back as I've had to do in the past. So the division of our assets into cash is going to be the sticky point, but I'm patient. LOL
3 people like this
• United States
19 May 08
Patience is a virtue, seldom seen in men. So already, you've got the upper hand. LOL.
3 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
19 May 08
Yep!
1 person likes this
@gemini_rose (16192)
19 May 08
Having never been divorced before now, I do not know if there is such a thing as a nice divorce, although most of those that I know that have been divorced did not do "nice". I was nearly divorced about 2 years ago now, and I can tell you this, if we had not have sorted things out and decided to stay together after all. Then there would have been nothing nice about it, I would have gone for everything and I would have made his life a misery, and the scheming cow who was also involved. But, we did sort things out and we are still together so it did not have to come to that, *smiles sweetly* I hope yours goes the way you want though and you get whatever you want out of it and that your new independant life is really happy and successful!!!
3 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
19 May 08
If there was a scheming involved in this one, you can bet I wouldn't be bending over backwards to be nice. But there isn't, and there's no kids involved either, so there is really no reason not to be civilized about it. But in the end it will be up to the soon to be ex how it all plays out. Congrats on being able to forgive and keep yours together. I don't know if I would have been able to do that in your circumstances.
2 people like this
@gemini_rose (16192)
20 May 08
To be honest with you my friend, I do not know how I did, I always swore I would never put up with it if it happened. When it happened it was not a simple case of cheating and over, oh no this was a saga that carried on for a year, it had more twists and turns than any horror novel. In fact I already have a story planned to write based on it ha ha!!! But for some reason, in me there was no question of leaving, do not ask why, whether it was because I had just had another baby, making it 4 in total or what it was, but something inside me told me not to walk away and so I did not.
1 person likes this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
22 May 08
Always listen to your insticts rose. And I sincerely hope that he has made it up to you and the kids!
@LouRhi (1502)
• Australia
19 May 08
Well done Sparks and good for you! I don't really know much of what has happened but by the sounds of things you soon to be ex sounds like he has done some pretty harsh things in the past. It is great to see you find the strength to stand up for yourself. I am not sure about the 'nice' divorce thing. I have had 3 pretty serious relationships that could almost be considered like a divorce when they ended (one had a child involved) Out of those three, 2 are still in my life on a somewhat regular basis. The other I don't see often but when we do we usually greet with a hug. Weird really. I hope your divorce is as nice as it can be and relatively pain free. I can feel your strength and determination growing so I am sure you will be fine. Hugs and fairy wishes to you
3 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
19 May 08
Hi Lou - my soon to be ex was a real control freak and that made pretty much not fun. I was married once before many many moons ago and we parted very good friends - until he met his current wife who told him it was unnatural to be friends with his ex! lol And I'm hoping that my current ex will not walk away from this marriage bitter like he has his other ones, but that will be up to him. I'm doing my best to make sure that doesn't happen and at the same time make sure he doesn't take advantage of me either. It's going to be a long summer!
2 people like this
@LouRhi (1502)
• Australia
20 May 08
Yes there is no need to be bitter about these things. It can take a while sometimes to fight through the pain and remember the good times that first drew you together. I think men find this particularly difficult.
2 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
22 May 08
Sadly my stbe finds it impossible - he has waaaaaaaaay too much pride.*sigh*
@olivemai (4738)
• United States
20 May 08
I understand that it is possible, although I have not seen it happen too often!
3 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
20 May 08
My first one was actually rather nice, so I'm hoping I can keep this one that way too. We'll see! LOL
3 people like this
@olivemai (4738)
• United States
20 May 08
At least you want to try!
2 people like this
@vanities (11410)
• Davao, Philippines
20 May 08
Divorce is not allowed in our country only Annulment of marriage...i cant really give any comment on that..since i havent experience it yet..(God forbids)all i have to say is congrats then for your freedom and single again..
• Regina, Saskatchewan
20 May 08
Well I hope you never have to face an annulment vanities. In our culture, divorce can be a very nasty affair. I'm hoping to avoid that. Thank you for your kind words.
3 people like this