How long would you stay in a bad marriage?

United States
May 29, 2008 4:24pm CST
I have been very unhappy for a long time and we have had many problems. We have tried many times and been on and off alot...but even though he knows what is wrong he refuses tro fix it or only does when he thinks someoen is interested in me....Am I being selfish? Do I deserve to be happy or just keep dealing with the same old thing that never gets better? I have a child with him and I don't want to take him from her or her form him but I am SOOOOO unhappy.... What would you do? Talking isn't working what is left now?
11 people like this
29 responses
@cjgrooms (4456)
• United States
29 May 08
I stayed in a bad marriage 4yrs. When i had enough i got out! I tried to make it work because of my two children but i couldn't see letting them grow up in all the fighting and misery so i ended it and we all moved on with our lives in a more peaceful manner.
2 people like this
• United States
29 May 08
we have been together 8 years and our wedding anniversary is coming up in august so i really don't know what to do
2 people like this
@cjgrooms (4456)
• United States
29 May 08
You are the only one that can make that decision. Have you tried marriage counseling? It may be worth a shot if you want to save your marriage and not be miserable in it.
1 person likes this
@vicki2876 (5640)
• Canada
30 May 08
I have children too and I understand that you don't want to break them up but if you two are as unhappy with things as it sounds then you two would be better off raising her separately. Children can adapt to having their parents not live in the same house and many have two houses and feel very comfortable with it. Better to have two loving happy parents separately than together and miserable. The adjustment time would be hard but then you all would realize it was for the best and everyone including your daughter is happier.
2 people like this
• United States
1 Jun 08
Yes I know it can be done but I am worried I mean I will have to start over and well that bothers me a bit ya know...I know that is probably a common thing though,so I will be looking more into the whole thing
• United States
1 Jun 08
When you don't quetion it anymore... you know it's time.
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Jun 08
Sorry... it came back as not posted the first time.... so I typed a quick answer and then voila... my original post appeared! lol
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Jun 08
lol it is ok I do it alot
@ZephyrSun (7382)
• United States
30 May 08
I stayed in a bad marriage for a while but not very long. I didn't feel my children should grow up in that sort of environment. I hope only the best for you I know how hard it is to walk away from a marriage.
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Jun 08
Thnaks I never thought when I first got married I would eer be in this spot but what can I do now ya know.
@ZephyrSun (7382)
• United States
2 Jun 08
You could try a therapist, a temporary separation, even file for divorce, or you could just accept things for the way that they are and stay. You have to do what your heart and brain are telling you to do.
1 person likes this
@checapricorn (16049)
• United States
30 May 08
If you have tried everything to fix it and still nothing happens, staying with him will never be a solution and I know that child can sense and feel it too. Though you are staying in one house, it will not make her happy after all. maybe you need time to be far. In that way, he can realize what he needs to realize and he will be the one to find ways to fix your problem. You deserve to be happy!
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Jun 08
Yes but I mean we have been off and on again alot and I mena we both want to work thinsg otu sometimesand then others just get crazy and want to not so i donno.
• United States
2 Jun 08
Anyway, if you are very much willing to stay, you can always ask him to be serious and discuss the matter not just for you both but for the kid too! She needs a very healthy environment while growing up and you will be very influential to her development. I wish you can settle things soon!
1 person likes this
• United States
30 May 08
You have a lot of married couples who are very unhappy with eachother but because they have a child or children, they stay together. Personally, I believe that in the long run you are hurting the child. Children are very bright and can tell throught their vibes when things are not going well between mommy and daddy. How long have you two been together? Was there infidelity on his part or yours? I don't believe in staying in a bad relationship......married or not because it's not healty at all. It is draining on the mind......been there, done that so I know. I truly wish you the best and do what is best for you and your child. [u]Just because mommy and daddy aren't together doesn't mean that the child can't have quality time with both. [/u]
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Jun 08
very true it will nto change how we feel about our daughetr but I am still worried I mean i never wanted things to be this way I feel abd thinking of leaving but then again i don't
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Jun 08
It's only normal to feel the way you do. For instance, I told my sweetie of neary 5 years that I believe we should go our seperate ways. Here it is, I'm thinking that he was the one you know but maybe I was wrong. In life everything has a season.
1 person likes this
@muralirv (572)
• India
30 May 08
Hi!i feel pity for you.you might be unhappy but what did that child do.finally you both are making the child unhappy.Try to take your husband for counselling.Atleast then your probs might get over.Try to adjust in life.you may not be a problem but make your husband understand things and then decide your life.
• United States
1 Jun 08
yes true i know I wnat us all to be hapy but have struggled with doing that
1 person likes this
@muralirv (572)
• India
3 Jun 08
try your level best
1 person likes this
@Hatley (164171)
• Garden Grove, California
30 May 08
You have stayed plenty long enough so now is the time to leave him and get some happiness back into your life. You can file for joint custody and he will get to see your child and your child will get to see him. this battling is not good for your child anyway so make a clean break now while your child is young. Divorce is what is left and do do it now.
• United States
1 Jun 08
yes I agree it is not good for my daughter at all.
• India
11 Jun 08
Yeah even im in a similar situation, and the only thing i can think of right now is a break-up, but i have given some time, and thats what we r in a seperation right now. I guess u two need to talk out things and need to have some space alone , coz if ur not happy, so isnt ur daughter. You desreve to be happy...so no selfishness invovled...
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Jun 08
yes we are doing the sepration time off and on i am tring to work on thinsg now so it has been hard thank you and i hope it works out for you too
@Odamashin (434)
• Philippines
3 Jun 08
hello.. honestly it's not worth it to stay in an unhappy relationship/marriage knowing that you both tried to work it out but it does'nt make any difference. I think you've done your part to save your marriage so you have to decide now before it's too late.. just remember, we are all deserve to be happy..you deserve someone better.
• United States
6 Jun 08
I agree we all deserve to be happy and I know he is not either that is why there wasnt much of a fight when i aksed him to leave for a bit. SO we talked last night we will see what comes of it
@Elixiress (3882)
2 Jun 08
I would probably stay in a bad marriage for about 1 year from the point that I realise that it is a bad marriage. I think that is enough time to try and sort out a relationship and if it is not looking any better then I do not think that there is any point staying with that person.
1 person likes this
• United States
6 Jun 08
yes very true a year sounds good i spoke with him last night a bit so we are tring to work things out.
@mikeysmom (2091)
• United States
2 Jun 08
i know how you feel. i have been very unhappy in my marriage for a long time and my husband knows it as i have tried to talk to him and see what we can do to fix things. so much has happened that it is hard to get the feelings back i once had for him so we have agreed to stay together for our son's sake and we are quite civil to one another. i have compromised myself as a result and i am now working on that so that i can be happier within myself. i wish i had the answers for you. i just know that for me personally if i were to walk away from this marriage at this time my life would become so much harder and as a result my son's would as well and i am not willing to do that to him. my parents divorced when i was 13 and my mom had to go back to work full time and i had to then take care of the younger ones every day after school and help them with their homework and get dinner ready every night and get stuck staying home to care for them all summer long. i had to be an adult at 13 and i do not think it was fair of my parents to put me in such a position. we went from living in a lovely roomy home to being squished into a 2 bedroom apartment and every time the rent went up we had to move to an new apt complex. the whole thing had an unbelievable ripple affect on our lives so i will stay put for my son.
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Jun 08
Yes see that has been what is amking me stay as well I don't want her to suffer so that I can be happy but you know how confussing this whole thing can be,I do hope we both make something happen.
• United States
1 Jun 08
There's no answer to this question. Everyone's different and has different limits. Everyone has a different situation. You will leave the marriage when you know in your heart it's time. You won't even question if it's time, you're know it is. Believe me. I speak from experience.
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Jun 08
well we have ben off and on a few times but I donno I lvoe him at times but at others wish for more ya know so i donno ia m confused lol
• United States
1 Jun 08
I suppose that you could just try to avoid him if you can't leave him. Start setting up a different life. Don't even talk to him, especially if he's being verbally abusive. He is probably unhappy too and this is just his way of distancing himself and making you less interested. He's probably hoping you will make the first move. If he makes you so unhappy, then why not leave? It's up to you of course. You do deserve to be happy. Everyone does deserve happiness.
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Jun 08
well it is hard to stay away from him as he does still coem by alot since he is staying close,he left i asked him to a while ago again,he said ok as he alwasyy does. I mean we both yell and I know alot of this is me too not all him but I just donno I am so confused it is liek I am speakless lol
• United States
30 May 08
I was once exactly where you are. My advice is the best thing you can do for your child is to be happy yourself. Children sense when we are not happy and it really takes a toll on them and their self-esteem. I would suggest parenting counseling for children of divorce. Almost every state has this and it is free! Good luck! Life is too short to be miserable!
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Jun 08
yes I know my daughter is beinging to pick up on more and more of this,thnaks and i agree life is too short/
30 May 08
Leave and make a new life. There is happiness out there. If you are unhappy and he is unwilling to work on issues leave with your child and start anew. Why waste precious time in a relationship that you are so unhappy in. It is affecting you and your child even though the child may not be showing it. You deserve to be happy, it's your right. I hope things work out for you and you get past this.
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Jun 08
thnak you vey much and yes I think I may leave but i want to work on somethigns first because I do still love him at the moment but I am just not happy.
@MsCYPRAH (397)
30 May 08
No one should stay in a bad relationship for four main reasons: First, whatever you are experiencing in that marriage will make you worse in anxiety, stress and ill health over time. We are not meant to be constantly unhappy. We are here to be happy so that when there is a crisis, we can then react with more confidence and skill. When our bodies are constantly up in adrenalin and negativity, it erodes our capabilities and gradually makes us stressed. Eventually, stress can kill. Second, a relationship is supposed to make you happy, not sad. Two people do not get together to make each other unhappy, to argue all day long, or to be nasty to each other. The purpose of any relationship is love, affection, communication, respect and enhancing the quality of each other's lives. By pooling resources, people get a better existence. If your relationship is not serving that purpose, then it is not a relationship at all. It is just two people living together for convenience, and at the expense of each other. That is no way to live. Third, the longer you stay in that state, the more unhappy you will get, the more you will lose your own ability to love as you gradually get bitter, angry and resentful and the more you will be like your partner. You are not getting the results you desire in the relationship because you are waiting for him to change (as you say 'he refuses to fix it'). But the only person who can ever change satisfactorily is yourself. No one else. Once you change your behaviour, the other person will change too. Why should he change if you are treating him the same, accepting his attitude and reinforcing that bad behaviour too? There is no payoff for him, in his eyes, so he will just make you promises and keep doing what he has always done, just as you are doing what you have always done too. But in such a situation you will only both keep getting what you've always got. Your future matters the most. It is not about him. It is about you and your child, so it is up to YOU to make decisions about your life, whatever the consequences are, and do them. He would have to change too because you wouldn't be acting the same way anymore! Finally, the bad relationship you are experiencing will also affect the emotional well being of your child. Your daughter is learning by your actions and is not being exposed to a lot of love just now because they kids more sensitive to parental unhappiness and conflict, no matter how you might try to hide it. It is best to be in a loving situation by yourself than a constantly conflicting one with someone else which your child has to be part of. It will gradually damage her own development too if all she has to see is your unhappiness and his bad behaviour. If you are unhappy, your mind is trying to tell you something: that you are ready for a new start and a new life. Once you have talked a lot and there is no change, it is time to act. Nothing else will give you what you want except action on your part. We all deserve happiness and if you stay in that relationship, everything will deteriorate around you rapidly because nothing can get better in such a situation. Furthermore, you will merely be fighting against yourself by ignoring your own needs. Leaving a bad marriage takes courage and is certainly not easy to do when one thinks of all the practicalities and where children are involved. But as one who had to leave a bad marriage after 33 years, I can guarantee you that once you make the decision, the doors will open for you and it won't be half as bad as remaining where you are, believe me. But only you can make that decision and in your own time. Good luck in whatever you do, but you will be fine.
• United States
1 Jun 08
yes true I keep letting him do this therefor he doesn't change as well you amke some awesome points and alot of food for thought. i am so thnakful to read all these great response.
@skaterx (530)
• Finland
30 May 08
I've experienced the same thing with my bf. I guess its best to split unless he's willing to go to councelling or osmething :o. You deserve to be happy ofcourse! Who doesn't? And your child probably won't be happy if mom and dad are fighting, so I think sometimes it's best to just put yourself in a position where you are ok, healthy and happy, so that your child feels ok too. And your child can still see dad obviously, so i think its better to be happy than to stay.
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Jun 08
Yes I agree and it seems to be the common response to this sitution,so i will look inot some outside help and see what that makes of it
@palonghorn (5483)
• United States
30 May 08
I stayed for 16 years, and although there were a few good times the bad outnumbered the good by a lot. I was staying for the kids too, and by the time I left my youngest was 15. It wasn't like they didn't see all the arguing and the way he treated me. I lived on my own for over a year, and wasn't looking when I found my now s/o. I don't think I'll ever forget when I told my mom I was moving 1600 miles for us to be together, she told me I was the happiest she had seen me in a very long time. Staying for the kid is the wrong reason to stay, and you don't say how old she is, but believe me even at a young age they know that things aren't right.
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Jun 08
yes I know that she knows omething is wrong she can sense my unhappiness and i want her to be happy growing up I have so much to still think about.
@Dorislee (209)
• China
30 May 08
Another failure marriage case!? perforce, people usually wish others marriage or life be well and unity, never do something or say something to detach the unity. But if marriage upto your condition, privately,I don't think it worths to be continuing, sometimes, we need living ourselves a little bit happy and cozy. Hope you will find your way finally
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Jun 08
yes i agree and i am working on many things and I do hope I can work otu something