What are your feelings about a married couple in love but not sleeping together?

Bears - Bears in love
@CharRay7 (1549)
United States
July 3, 2008 12:14am CST
Hi, I've been married to my hubby for 9 years now and yes we still love each other. For the past 7 years, we've slept in separate rooms, in separate beds. Reasons: 1. he likes it warm, I like it cool 2. he snores and I'm on a noisy CPAP machine for sleep apnea 3. he tosses and turns, I sleep mostly in one position 4. we sleep alot better separately My 25 year old son says he doesn't call our marriage a marriage because we don't sleep together. I say, we both need our rest and this works out the best for both of us. Opinions please..... Thanks, Char:-)
41 people like this
162 responses
@ketybhagat (4125)
• India
3 Jul 08
Better to sleep separately and still be in love rather than getting on each others nerves and losing the tranquility of the family. I think there is nothing wrong in sleeping separately if your likes are poles apart. The fact that you love each other is more than enough and maybe your son will understand one day.
4 people like this
@dmcollie (217)
• United States
3 Jul 08
This is normal. or as normal as normal can get. As long as you love each other than you are married. My adopted grandparents where sleeping in different rooms before Gramps passed away. They loved each other dearly and didn't spend a day apart but at night they had the same problems as you do. Now I couldn't be apart from my Husband because it feels safer when I hear him softly snoring. But What is NoRmAl?
@kaleegirl45 (1515)
• United States
4 Jul 08
Hi CharRay7 I thought I was the only one is this type of situation. I also don't sleep with my husband. I stop sleeping with him when my daughter was 4 or 5 years. It;s been ARound 7 years also. my reasons are: 1. he snores and I can't sleep. 2. I go to the bathroom at least 3 times during the night and I used to wake him up. 3. I also toss and turn, I have sinus and always blowing my nose. Which keeps him up. I've heard other doing the same thing. I think this is becoming very comment. And you're right we both need ur rest. And this also works for us. It's still a marriage, regardless where you sleep.
@CharRay7 (1549)
• United States
4 Jul 08
Thank you for your response. It's so nice to know that we're not the only couple not sleeping together but still in love. I agree that it's still a marriage regardless of where you sleep. Have a nice weekend! Char :-)
• United States
5 Jul 08
thank you and hope you had a great 4th of July.
@raina21 (130)
• India
3 Jul 08
Well thats strange and I've not anything about this before.If u are comfortablesleeping together its ok but then u say u love each other.I think when u are in love u can compromise on these small little problems instead of not sleeping together.This is my personal opinion and obviously its ur life so u know it better.
3 people like this
@Foxxee (3653)
• United States
3 Jul 08
You might of never heard of it, but the truth is, this is going on all over. Doesn't mean they don't love eachother. Me and my husband don't sleep in the same rooms at night, but we love eachother. I also have a friend that has been married to her husband for several years and they do everything together but they don't sleep together when it's time for bed. TO each their own. Sometimes it works out better this way for people.
2 people like this
@raina21 (130)
• India
4 Jul 08
Ya may be u r right but i didn't mean to say that this is right or wrong.I just gave my opinion on it.Please don't mind but it was what I thought.
1 person likes this
@mommy7 (84)
• United States
4 Jul 08
Hey Char, I don't think that there is anything wrong with you and husband's sleeping arrangement. Sleeping seperately doesn't mean that you don't love each other. It probably helps the two of you get along with each other better because everyone knows that if you don't sleep comfortably, you wake up you are in a foul mood. So I think it's great that you and your husband found a way to get the sleep that you need without disturbing each other. I think that what you are doing is a sign of love because you both love each other enough to be able to allow each other the space that you need.
3 people like this
@CharRay7 (1549)
• United States
4 Jul 08
Thank you for your response. We do get along great together and enjoy fun times all the time. Thank you for the comment about it being a sign of love. I never really thought of it that way, but thinking about it makes me realize you are probably right. Have a great weekend! Char :-)
• United States
4 Jul 08
Good sleep is a precious commodity and sleeping separately and awakening refreshed is surely more conducive to a good marriage than both of you not getting the sleep you need. Seems to me your marriage is "real", perhaps realer than some, since you have decided to do what is best for the both of you and ignore the "shoulds" of fairy tale happily ever after land. Your son sounds a bit naive. Time and his own attempt at marriage should cure that for him!
3 people like this
@CharRay7 (1549)
• United States
4 Jul 08
Thank you for your response. Sleep is very important in our lives and if we can't get the sleep we need, most people are grouchy and just plain tired during the day. Thank you for the comment that our marriage is "real" We feel the same way. My son is 25, not married and never has really been in a serious relationship. His time will come. LOL Have a great weekend! Char :-)
@magojordan (3254)
• Philippines
3 Jul 08
I think that whatever is comfortable for them is the best. It really doesn't mean that if you sleep separately then your less of a married couple.
3 people like this
@Hatley (164226)
• Garden Grove, California
3 Jul 08
My husband and I slept in twin beds for all the same reasons but' we always made love a few times a week, as we still loved each other and had passion for each other, you do not have to share a bed to make love for heavens sakes, it is just as easy in a twin bed as in a giant one, mnore fun perhaps in a twin bed.
@saundyl (9686)
• Canada
4 Jul 08
I don't see how its not a marriage just because you dont sleep in the same bed. My grandparents never slept in the same bed. They always said they slept better and were happier and got along more when they had a good rest. If they had to share a bed then they were both grumpy at each other because the other one didn't let them sleep. My great aunt and uncle sleep in separate rooms unless theres company and they need a place to sleep.
2 people like this
• United States
4 Jul 08
Hi saundyl, My sister makes fun of me, because when we go to laughlin or vegas, well anywhere out of the house and we have to stay at a hotel. I tell my husband I call the restroom. Yes I'll sleep in there. We take turns, unless the restroom is small that I'll be there all weekend. If I want to sleep in the same room, I have to have my ipod with me. This way I won't hear him snore. Sometimes it get so bad that I have to leave to room and go gamble for a while until he gets up. I have to have some type of sound to drown out his snoring.
2 people like this
@saundyl (9686)
• Canada
4 Jul 08
Wow sounds like he snores loud! I have an uncle we make sleep in the camper when we are all at grandma's ranch because his snoring keeps EVERYONE awake.
• United States
5 Jul 08
Before summer started I had to use my ipod to drown the sound of his snoring. Not with the fan that helps me sleep, and also drowns his snoring. This another reason why I don't like sleep any place else, because I either sleep in the bathroom or he does. I could understand about your uncle. I think that is the worst sound ever.
@kiley4 (72)
• United States
4 Jul 08
I think it is great that you two have figured out something that works for both of you. Ignore anyone who says that it is wrong or abnormal. Sleeping together and I mean literally sleeping together is nothing major. It is but a small part of a bigger relationship. Do you two enjoy other actual activities together? If so, then you're normal. I wish you both the best.
2 people like this
@CharRay7 (1549)
• United States
5 Jul 08
Thanks for your response. My hubby and I do everything else together. We are always together unless he is at work. If I have to run to the petstore or grocery store and he's here, he usually goes with me and vice versa. We share everything together. We just don't sleep together. It works for us! Have a great weekend! Char :-)
1 person likes this
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
4 Jul 08
As long as you guys are faithful to each other, I believe that this is all that matters. I have heard of married couples sleeping in separate rooms for some of the same reasons you just mentioned, so it is not too uncommon. Tell your son to just be happy that you guys are in fact still together, as some of those things can actually lead to divorce.
2 people like this
@nanajanet (4436)
• United States
5 Jul 08
Rozie!! Amen to that! It's none of his business, anyway! Life is full of people with differences. Vive la difference!!!
2 people like this
@krissy32 (205)
• United States
4 Jul 08
I don't think there is anything wrong with it at all. If both people are getting the sleep they need so they don't wake up all snarly and in a snit because one or the other hasn't gotten much restful sleep. It is better that way. By the way, hubby and I have been married for 11 happy years and have slept in the same bed for 10 of those years, but after while we kinda figured out that sleeping apart because he snores like a freight train going through the walls, it was better. This does not make any difference in our love for each other, although this past year has been our most challenging yet and we have come thru loving each no less than before.
@CharRay7 (1549)
• United States
4 Jul 08
Thanks for your response. I thinks things change as we grow older. When we are young and jumping off the walls for love, we wouldn't dare not sleep with our husband. But as the years go by, we go more for being comfortable and being able to sleep well, than what is "proper". I think it's called compromising...and as long as both parties agree to it, I think it should be okay. Have a great weekend! Char :-)
@shaggin (49311)
• United States
4 Jul 08
In the beginning of our marriage I spent many sleepless nights next to my snoring husband. Eventually I did learn to sleep next to him and I would just nudge him and make him roll on his side anytime he would start that horrible snoring. I got where I had trouble sleeping without him next to me. Then he decided he would rather sleep on the couch where there was an air conditioner next to him instead of in the room that I prefer warm with blankets on in the summer hehe. I wont allow him to come to bed without taking a shower first so he chooses to skip the shower and sleep on the couch. So it has been a few years since he has slept in the same bed as me. It does make me mad though that he would rather sleep on the couch simply out of laziness. I can understand in your position why you and your spouse sleep seperately. I think in my case even if I was on some kind of loud machine during the night he would sleep through it. He has slept through a smoke alarm and all sorts of loud noises he sleeps like a log!
2 people like this
@CharRay7 (1549)
• United States
4 Jul 08
Thanks for your response. It is really interesting to hear so many people tell that they sleep separately from their spouses and why they do it. It's too bad your hubby won't take a shower before coming to bed. My hubby is alot like that and doesn't shower enough as far as I'm concerned. He never stinks or nothing but he works in a factory and I think he should shower after every work day. Oh well, that is probably a different discussion. LOL Have a great weekend! Char :-)
@guybrush (4660)
• Australia
4 Jul 08
I think whatever works for a couple is fine, and nobody else has any right to say whether it's 'right' or 'wrong'. All marriages are different, and sleeping together is only part of a marriage. There are many, many reasons couples choose separate beds (and separate rooms) - but it has nothing to do with the love they feel for eachother. Enjoy your marriage YOUR way, CharRay - and be happy!
2 people like this
@CharRay7 (1549)
• United States
4 Jul 08
thanks for your response. It's nice to know we're not really odd balls after all. Have a great weekend! Char :-)
• Turkey
4 Jul 08
Well, I say as long as you all are still intimate than do whatever you think is best and gets you the most rest in regards to sleeping arrangements. I do think the intimacy part is important however, not only sexually but emotionally as well but other than that, if you can't sleep with each other because of your diffrent sleeping patterns, I understand that. People need thier sleep, especially in these hectic times. As for me, I can't get through a night without the hubby beside me, it's very hard for us both...
@kblakley (248)
• Loveland, Ohio
3 Jul 08
Me and My Hubby haven't sleep together for at least 8 months now. Actually probably longer than that...I used to work 3rd shift and he worked 1st shift. We do occasionally sleep together on the weekends. He sleeps in the basement for lots of reasons: 1. its cooler down there 2. none of the kids wake him up and he doesn't wake them when he has to get up for work. (our 8 month old's bed is still in our room, we have a small house :) ) 3. because our kids tend to end up in bed with me before morning at some point. 4. he just gets better sleep down there and with his job he needs better sleep. He gets up at 4:30am every morning for work and usually doesn't get to go to bed until 10pm, due to me working in the evenings. I think we may sleep together again eventually, but I don't think there's really anything wrong with it. You should do what works best for you. If you guys don't get good sleep when you sleep together then don't. Who says that you have to?? As long as its what works for you, who cares, you and your hubby are happy and still in love, so what difference does it make! A marriage is two people sharing life together...just because you don't sleep in the same bed doesn't mean your not sharing life together. That's how I see it.
2 people like this
@Foxxee (3653)
• United States
3 Jul 08
I don't find it weird at all, but that could be because I'm in the same boat. My husband & me sleep in different areas. Some think it's odd... but I sleep so much better that way & it's been like this for about 2 years. Just becaause I choose not to sleep in the same bed with my husband, doesn't mean I don't love him, because I do love him.. It just works out better this way. Some people have different living situations. So, if you love your husband, don't worry what others think.
2 people like this
@midautumn (219)
• China
3 Jul 08
it's normal.personally I think it's the best way to solve these problems. don't be sceptical.you are right,and it should be like this.
2 people like this
• India
3 Jul 08
It does not matter if a couple sleep with each other or not. It is there personal relation and it is their choice .till the time there is love, support , care and cooperation in one relation .it is healthy...
2 people like this
@cmelton (160)
• United States
3 Jul 08
My husband and I sleep in separate beds most of the time, mostly for the same reasons as you. If he falls asleep first I can't go to sleep because he snores and tosses and turns. I have to have sleep so I go into another room. But we love each other very much and not sleeping together is going to change that.