Bf: Best Friend or Boyfriend? Which should you choose? Help!

Philippines
August 6, 2008 6:23am CST
What would you do if you were put in a situation like this? You love your boyfriend very much but he is very busy and he has almost no time for you and wants the relationship to be on a down low in order to protect his image. He orders his cousin, another guy who happens to be your best friend to substitute for him on missed dates or send flowers and chocolates everytime you get angry. He shows you the pampering and caring that you would expect from your boyfriend. Your boyfriend still says that he loves you and wants the relationship to work but he's never there to make it work, and now you have also developed a growing affection for his cousin. So tell me which would you choose, the bestfriend who may not really like you and is just following what his cousin told him initially? Or the boyfriend who loves you and tries to make up for it every chance he gets, (even if he doesn't have that much time with you)?
7 people like this
33 responses
@Amanda81587 (3046)
• United States
6 Aug 08
I would say if the bestfriend doesn't feel for you then dump them both. Find a real boyfriend. ONe that has his cousin do his dirty work is no boyfriend. It seems like your more of an assesory in his life. If he really loves you he would find the time to be with you because when you love someone thats what you want to do is constantly be with that person!
2 people like this
• Philippines
6 Aug 08
Thanks for the advice, my bf never used to be that way he used to be sweet and now he's just ugh! I'm so fed up with him and you're right I shouldn't put up with that. On the other hand I'm just afraid that my bestfriend may not really like me that way and I wouldn't want to lose his friendship after being so kind to me. And he has such low self confidence that he feels that his cousin is his superior at everything when that is not the case.
• India
10 Aug 08
hey dont just dump d guy hes a man n men want to achieve something in life n jus cos he wants to do that u dnt hav to dump him i mean yea u shud get urself a puppy i guess wake up duh !!!! n giv him his tym
• India
10 Aug 08
hey m sory bot d part i misd but do try to find out wat image he is trying to protect
@rocker21 (2717)
• India
6 Aug 08
Just coz your boyfriend isnt giving you time and the guy (who has nothing to do other than send flowers and chocolates) you like him? then you a big big looser. you dont deserve a bf *no offense!*
• Philippines
6 Aug 08
None Taken..the other guy just happens to be my bestfriend and the one who I confide in about all this. But he keeps on apologizing and because of the time we spend with each other it makes us closer. If my boyfriend had time for me then we would have been closer. That's what I meant by Having an affection for his cousin. He's not someone who gives me flowers and gifts he's also someone I can confide with.
@selece (2357)
• Philippines
10 Aug 08
Wouldn't that be a little harsh Mr. Rocker? Even if it was her or anyone else, to call someone a loser like that isn't really good. Anyway, no offense too, I just wanted to catch your attention about it.
@palonghorn (5483)
• United States
6 Aug 08
I think I would have to find out how the friend feels towards me. He is the one being thoughtful not the boyfriend. And even if he didn't have his cousin buying you things and pampering you, I would still have to aske myself if this is the relationship I really want. To me he doesn't sound much of a boyfriend. He has his cousin stand in on dates? and buy you 'apology' gifts? I have to ask, who pays for those flowers, candy, etc. your 'boyfriend' or his cousin? And what image is he trying to protect? One of being single? a player? what? Obviously whatever 'image' he is trying to protect.....does not include a girlfrind. You might want to re-think this whole relationship.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
6 Aug 08
Thanks palonghorn, This is the topic that we always argue about. of course I don't mention that I'm starting to like his cousin. It's just he never used to be that way and I was hoping it could go back to that I guess I'm still holding on to that thought... It doesn't sound like much of a relationship does it? everytime I tell him that we should stop hiding our relationship he just gets angry and walks out saying that this is the best way and that he thought I undrstood it... when we first came together. :(
@selece (2357)
• Philippines
10 Aug 08
This was what I was actually afraid of if I ever had a gf. Hehe! Hmm.... In this case, it would be rather complicated if the feeling for the bestfriend grows deeper or more than what it is supposed to be. Do you get my point? It might ruin more than one relationship if the situation gets worse (I hope it doesn't). If it gets to that than choose no one. Your boyfriend definitely has shortcomings, I think if he really loves you, he'll find time somehow. Even in simple ways. Honestly, I think to send someone to give you flowers or chocolates is lame, especially if you're angry. I mean, even if you are too busy, a few minutes or an hour would do so. Would it hurt that much to spend a little of his time for that? He is asking for forgiveness, mind you. Hmm.. What image is he trying to protect anyway? I don't get that part. On the other hand, it's still good that he tries to make up for the shortcomings. It is a tough situation but I do know you that you are a strong person and that you'll know what to do eventually. Also, I have your back. God bless!
• Philippines
10 Aug 08
aww.. gedz thanks so much, I know that you have no idea about this problem till now and I'm so happy that you feel this way... I know that most of my friends see me as a strong person you included, but it's just so hard to be strong all the time...2 Thanks so much...
@selece (2357)
• Philippines
10 Aug 08
Umm yes, never knew til now. Hehe. But it's okay. What's important is that you keep your happiness intact. Then I'll be even more happy for you. Hehe.
@Verity (851)
8 Aug 08
He is not a good boyfriend. Let him spell out of your sight.
@Verity (851)
9 Aug 08
Yes, exactly. A boyfriend like that does not deserve credence and consideration.
• Philippines
10 Aug 08
Thanks guys I've thought long and hard and I'm thinking of dumping my bf and distancing myself from the cousin just to avoid both of them... If the cousin really wants me... then the time for us will come eventually...
@n30wing (4768)
• Philippines
6 Aug 08
I think all relationship have problems it's just how we handle it. If I were in your shoes or situation I will give space for myself first and think a hundred times if it's worth it. AM I happy about it and can I handle it wisely. Ask also your self if your just lonely and feeling emptiness that is why you are liking the cousin of your bf. It's your ball not your bf. It's your life. Not all things in this world can make you happy even chocolates or even roses in front of you. It's how you feel it. Being contented with what you have. I think you should be alone first and think what you really want. Then I think you can decide. A relationship their should be respect,in a relationship both of you face it together and being yourself not being always to understand him he has to understand you, it's not a one way street. My second option is to compromise if he still insist well with his reasons let him think with what you really want. Have a nice day!
• Philippines
6 Aug 08
Thanks n30wing, I guess maybe you're right too.. I'll think about it a lot. I'm so confused right now...
@n30wing (4768)
• Philippines
6 Aug 08
Take it easy! It's just up to you. Don't think your confuse. Just let it flow if you want too. I was telling you that it's your ball.It's not their ball girl. Good night! Let them think also! Time will tell.
@cjmobxnc (137)
• United States
7 Aug 08
I know you are going to think this is screwey, but it's the truth. I was in a situation like yours, but come to find out, they boyfriend and bestfriend were just swaqpping their signifigant others. the other girl and I met at a family picnic, and we ended up leaving both of them. this was about 20 years ago, and we found out later that the guys do that all the time. not the guy for me, if you know what i mean?
• Philippines
7 Aug 08
omg, this happens a lot then...
@cortjo73 (6500)
• United States
6 Aug 08
Wow! So, I would ditch the boyfriend as he obviously has no respect for you and that isn't going to get any better. And, then, I would have a conversation with your best friend (Cousin) because you never know if he is feeling the same way about you. So, it is just time to woman up and do what you know you have to do. Ditch the jerk and talk to the best friend. Either way, you either continue to have a best friend or get a little something more that was unexpected. If you boyfriend wants to push you two together because he can't be bothered to be a good boyfriend, he deserves to lose you to the one whose arms he pushed you into.
• Philippines
7 Aug 08
I know I just really gather all the courage to do this... Thanks, I'll have good long talk with both of them... Thanks for the advise...
@shooie (4985)
• United States
6 Aug 08
Well the mature thing would be to sit down with the boyfriend and talk to him and ask if things can or will change and if he doesn't see that it is in the near future and wants to keep you a secret because of his image. The only reason guys even girls do this is if they have another life style. (gay) embarrased of you and or is secretly married. Things don't change and if the cousin is fallin for you then follow your heart.
• Philippines
6 Aug 08
Thanks shooie, actually that's what i'm afraid of too... I'll try my best to follow eac advise. then just find out what's gonna happen from there i guess.
@ketan_ (39)
• India
6 Aug 08
hey..........thts the do or die situation.....u like ur boy frd ,,u just cannt betray him...,,, n cousin of his trying for u ......,,,,,this seems too sarcastic ........huh,,, try wht ur heart says......!!!
• Philippines
6 Aug 08
Thanks...
@chenmeiyi (973)
• China
6 Aug 08
maybe i'll choose his cousin rather than him if i find i really develop a mixed feelings for him. love needs pampering and i hope my love can be always with me.
• Philippines
6 Aug 08
thanks Chenmeiyi.. I'm happy for you I guess I just need to have a looong talk with the both of them.. once i clear my head fromthe confusion.
@lyzabelle (1668)
• Philippines
6 Aug 08
You love your boyfriend so much, right? If he really is busy you had the option to understand and wait for him. Because true love can wait. True love is understanding. True love is patience and needs sacrifice. True love never fades.
• Philippines
6 Aug 08
I know that but, Isn't it about give and take as well we should be equals, right? I can't always be the understanding one... cause I'm afraid that if I do, He'll just keep on doing it...
@jillbeth (2710)
• United States
6 Aug 08
I am married, so this is just my opinion: If my BF doesn't want to spend time with me to protect his image, then tries to bribe my forgiveness with candy and flowers, I would not put up with it. On the other hand, if BFs cousin is happy to fill in for him, treats me well, and seems to appreciate being with me, then I'd go for the cousin. We already have a fondness for one another, even though he may not think of me as a girlfriend yet, but it's a great place to start! The happiest couples are friends as well as lovers. Your BF may say he loves you, but his actions sure don't show it. Anybody can buy flowers and candy. The true gift to our loved ones is our time, and he's not giving you that gift. If he sends his cousin to fill in, then cajoles you with sweet words later, then he's just yanking your chain. Sounds like he's too sure of himself. My advice: dump him and go with the cousin.
• Philippines
6 Aug 08
Thanks jillbeth, I just don't want their family to think that once I finished with him I moved on to the next best thing. It's very disconcerting and yet I don't know what to feel anymore...
• India
9 Aug 08
I think this is very bad manners,sending a substitute is redoculous.If anyone has love in you he should take out some time and meet if not avoid for sometime,but sending gifts through others not good.
• Nepal
8 Aug 08
friend is clear to his relation ship and clean but boy friend is not clean it may ask dirty thing so I suggest you to choose the friend and if not and if you like to share every thing then you may choose the boyfriend
@janpmb (16)
• Philippines
8 Aug 08
For me i rather choose my bestfriend because i can still have other boyfriend but a loyal friend still on my side that i can always count on....
@johnson3 (152)
• United States
8 Aug 08
Neither, or try to make it work with the boyfriend. You never want to be put in a position of it didn't work out between you and me so now I'm dating your cousin. If you don't at first, but you'll eventually feel strange about the whole thing. If you feel that you can't make it work between you and your boyfriend find someone else because you don't know what relationship the cousin is in and you don't want him to compromise his on affairs for yours. Do you? The bottom line, you have to decide what your worth to yourself and if your boyfriend isn't willing to give you that--move on. Someone else will do it. You know the saying "what one man won't do--another man will". Check'em or Leave'em. johnson3
• United States
7 Aug 08
I have to wonder..."wants the relationship to be on the down low in order to protect his image..." what exactly that means. Image of what? In my opinion, he doesn't act like a boyfriend. I'm not saying that he doesnt like you, but do you like being a secret? I know I don't. Been there, done that. I would be inclined to find out how the cousin feels and go from there. If neither one works out, get out. Life is too short and there are many REAL men out there that would not only treat you well, but be happy to be with you, regardless of their "image" (I still don't get that). I am quite sure that you deserve better...
• United States
7 Aug 08
"You love your boyfriend very much but he is very busy and he has almost no time for you and wants the relationship to be on a down low in order to protect his image." Some people have a skill with manipulating people. They make a person feel loved. It is only an illusion, a falsehood, a lie. Stay away from him. It doesn't matter if someone makes you feel loved from time to time. Find someone whom you can trust, you can't trust this guy. And, sad to say, being involved with the cousin will still leave this guy in your life in one way or another. Not an enviable situation, you must stand up for yourself. Being alone isn't really all that bad.
@IInsanity (290)
• Malaysia
7 Aug 08
i'm sorry to say this. im choosing my bf over my best friends anytime.