a baby from another woman

Philippines
November 19, 2008 6:27pm CST
i have been seperated from my husband for 15 years now. It has been tough but i have come over it. But now, there is this thing that prompted me to write about it here and ask you, my friends, on here about your opinions. I am asking these not for myself but for my girls. I heard that my husband live-in partner is pregnant, for me it's ok, but i am just worried about my girls reaction about it. What if they get hurt upon hearing about it? Some of my friends here say that i should ask him about it? But i feel that i should not anymore, i am just worried about my girls' feelings. What do you think? I would appreciate your opinions, thank you.
7 people like this
27 responses
@rsa101 (21802)
• Philippines
20 Nov 08
Of course she will be hurt by it but there's nothing you cannot do about it. Well I guess if your not comfortable talking to your ex then maybe you prepare yourself about what to tell your daughter about it. You can calm her down and let her understand that you and him are already separated and she should start accepting that her father is with someone else already. What should he feel about her father well I guess there's nothing she can do but love and respect her father's choice. It will make hers and your life a little lighter. Anyway it is her father and she cannot replace her anymore. About you worrying about your daughter's reaction. The best thing to do in here is to be calm and just be ready for her in case she would need your attention and wisdom on this things.
• Philippines
20 Nov 08
You are right about that, that is all i can do for them. I have 3 girls, though they are all grown ups now, i know they will be hurt. My youngest is 15 years old now, she has not experienced growing up with a father. I know, they will understand aout the baby, i am just worried that they will get hurt again. Thank you for your response, i appreciate it very much!
1 person likes this
@rsa101 (21802)
• Philippines
20 Nov 08
Yes that is the right attitude about it. If they are mature enough then I really don't think they would be affected that much. As with your youngest I think that will be the least of your problems since she has had no experience of him so I can sense that she is the less affected by these at all.
@jammyt (2822)
• Philippines
20 Nov 08
That happened to my sister in law. Her ex husband found a live in partner and got her pregnant. Is you ex husband in touch with your kids? With my sister in law, their dad do not even show himself to them. They are aged 11 and 9. I think they know they have another sibling but they don't seem to absorb it much at this time. Besides, they don't see their dad anymore. The thing is, there's nothing you can do about it. The fact is, that kid is still their sister or brother by blood. Sooner or later, they will have to accept that. Of course, for me, it's wrong but I guess this are the facts of life.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
20 Nov 08
Yes, he is in contact with them. I know, all i can do is be my girls' side whatever their reaction is about this news. But i know, they will understand later, i am just worried about them getting hurt again. Thank you for your response, i appreciate it very much.
@longbangod (1791)
• Philippines
6 Jan 09
I think your daughters will understand. It maybe a little bit hurting and they may feel envious but I'm sure they would accept it just as you do. Since your husband and his other woman are both able or capable to produce a baby, its normal that they would have one.
• Philippines
6 Jan 09
Yes, i think they do but we haven't discussed it since i have talked about it to them. Maybe they have accepted it too. Thank you for your response.
• Australia
30 Nov 08
If you tell them as early as possible, they wouldn't accept the fact that they're gonna have another sibling, from another woman. The baby will be blood-related to your kids since the unborn has their father's blood running through its veins. They have to know no matter what, just give them time to mature before telling them. They will understand the situation later on.
• Philippines
1 Dec 08
They are old enough, my friend and i have told them about it. They were shocked and hurt but i think they would not hold any anger for the baby, if ever it is true. I have raised them to be good persons,if they have any ill feelings for their father, i am sure that didn't come from me. They were still kids then, but they know what i went through and they were with me all the way. They said they would ask their father about it and i hope that it is just a false alarm, so that all will be fine again. Thank you.
@myklj999 (31333)
• Olney, Illinois
30 Nov 08
I would think after a 15 year separation that your girls would be older than 15 and able to comprehend that their Father has another life.
• Philippines
1 Dec 08
Yes, they know that and they understand. What they don't understand is for him to have another child to care for and send to school, when he was not that good a provider when they were younger and he is much older now. I think that is what hurts them most. But i have told them about it, and as i have mentioned they were shocked and hurt but they said that they will ask him themselves. I just hope that it is just a false alarm, so that everything will be fine again. Thank you.
@ANTIQUELADY (36471)
• United States
23 Nov 08
are u just separated or divorced. either way i'd ask him. does he see your girls. they are probably old enough if it's been 15 years to accept it whether they like it or not. things can sure get in a mess, can't they? good luck.
• Philippines
1 Dec 08
Just seperated, he sees them sometimes and yes they are old enough. I have told them and they were shocked and they cried but they said they will ask him themselves. They are hoping that it is just a false alarm. I hope so too, so there will be no problems anymore. Thank you.
@Erssyl (617)
• Philippines
21 Nov 08
If you have been reparated from your husband for 15 years and you have come over it ,I don't see any reason why your children will get hurt.They have accepted your separation,they can also accept having another sister or brother from their father by another woman.Do not worry children now can easily understand any situation their family have if we are open to them.
• Philippines
21 Nov 08
It is what i really hope so. Actually, my girls are old enough to understand, I am just worried because something like this happened before, though, it was just a false alarm, they got hurt and i don't want that to happen again, now that it is true. But i have been very open to them about things concerning the family. I really appreciate your response and thank you very much.
20 Nov 08
How old r ur girls? Do u think they would be old enough to understand why this happened? Ithink u might be surprised how strong ur girls are. U need to start a discussion with them like, tell them u have this friend that has this problem and ask if them if what they would do. Thats what i would do. Sometimes u may have to get into discussions early in their lives and show them that u r interested in their lives and ask them important questions if u know what i mean. Happy mylotting
• Philippines
21 Nov 08
Yes, they are old enough to understand but i am just worried, because something like this happened before, though it was just a false alarm, i mean my ex thought that his live in partner is pregnant, so he told his friend and his friend told my girls about it. I was caught in surprise then, when my girls told me about it and they were crying. I knew, that they were hurt so bad but i could not do anything, except to be by their side.They have accepted the fact that we can never be together, but i think they will still be hurt but will learn to accept their new brother/sister when the time comes. Thank you for your response. I appreciate it very much!
@katrhina23 (1282)
• United States
20 Nov 08
I suggest you talk to your ex about it and tell him to talk to the girls. It would be difficult to the girls to accept it when they heard the news from somewhere else other than their father. I am sure the girls would be excited , well it depends on how your exhusband will tell them. javascript:__doPostBack('ctl00$cphMainContent$lbStart','') post response
• Philippines
21 Nov 08
Yes, that is what i have in mind. My girls are old enough to understand but i know they will still be hurt somehow but i am sure they will come to accept a new baby brother/sister. Thank you for your response. Appreciate it very much!
@dozhou (326)
• United States
20 Nov 08
I should be fine. Kids are easier to cooperate mutually than adults. Don't worry about it.
• Philippines
21 Nov 08
I do hope so, they are old enough to understand if only i can prevent them from being hurt somehow. Thank you very much, really appreciate it.
@sudalunts (5526)
• United States
20 Nov 08
I think your estranged husband should be the one to tell your daughters that he is going to be a father and that they would soon have a half sister/brother. Any questions they may have should be answered by him, since the family structure is being changed by him. You should be there for any support they may need, you did not mention how old the girls were. Is he still seeing the girls and supporting them financially? If he is not, there may be a bit of jealousy of the new child, because they may feel he likes then new child better than them.
• Philippines
6 Jan 09
sorry for not commenting back soon, i think i overlooked your response. Yes, he is still seeing them and he is giving them financial support. I have talked to them and they were silent for a while, i mean a few days. But after that, i think they understand. we haven't talked about it for sometime now, i think it is better this way. Thank you so much for the response.
@salonga (27842)
• Philippines
20 Nov 08
Oh my friend! I'm sad to hear you've been separated from your hubby! I really am! But I am happy that it seems you have able to move on through that long years of separation. However, I can't blame you if you are in a way still bothered over the news that your philandering hubby is having a baby by her mistress. I know why you are worried for your girls! My dear, if I were you, I will talk with the girls so that they will take this thing calmly. You can't do anything anymore because your husband has already gone so far and you no longer has control over the situation. Tell your girls not to be affected because in the first place, that is unavoidable because your hubby is having another woman. What should rather be focused at and be happy about is that the girls still have you. A good mother that you are and giving to them your very all just to fill up the void created by their father. Instead of feeling bitter about the whole thing encourage your girls to pray for their father. Tell them to forgive him rather than hate him. He is still their father after all. Forgiveness is one effective way of having a positive outlook in life. You too my dear sweetie, learn to forgive and forget! You will all feel a lot better when true forgiveness is given and every news that will come to you about your ex-hubby will no longer affect you that much. I pray that you will continue to be strong in the midst of the trials that come along your way. You can weather all storm by God's wonderful grace. God bless your family!
• Philippines
20 Nov 08
Thank you very much, my friend, for such inspiring words. I have forgiven him, i am not just sure about my girls if they had. But what prompted me to put this into a discussion is my girls' feelings . I just don't want them to get hurt again. Hearing your opinions on here, guys, has helped me,now i know that what i am doing is right. I do hope that what i am wrong in thinking that they will be hurt and affected by the news. I know they will understand, i just don't want them hurting. It is so good to know that there are friends that i can open my heart to. Thank you again and God Bless you too and your family, my friend!
1 person likes this
@mariposaman (2967)
• Canada
20 Nov 08
I don't think you should deceive them and someone should tell them. You are not protecting them from anything by telling them. You might be surprised on how indifferent they are. They will resent you later however if you do not tell them and they find out they have a half sibling from elsewhere. While the child is no relation to you, it is your child's sibling.
• Philippines
20 Nov 08
I agree with you and that is what i am planning to do, and i am aware of that. Thank you for your response, i really appreciate it.
@relundad (2311)
• United States
20 Nov 08
Hmmm this is kind of weird in that you guys have been seperated for 15 years. How old are your kids? It would seem that they are old enough to understand the situation given that they have been able to accept that their parents are married, yet seperated for 15 years. And that Daddy lives with another woman. You may be over thinking this situation given your current relationship status. Is it possible that the kids may look at them more like the "married" couple rather than the two of you? Sometimes as parents we think that because we don't tell kids the real deal that they don't know. If they are old enough to understand the "birds and the bee's", I am curious to know why you think that they will be hurt by the situation? Not to come across mean, because I don't know your situation but the only weird thing about your situation is that you aren't divorced. It seems that your husband may have moved on farther than you have.
• Philippines
20 Nov 08
Yes, we are not divorced because it is not allowed here in my country. My girls are old enough to understand, but my ex's partner now, has made some bad things towards me and my girls before, that my girls hadn't gone over with. That is why, i think they will still be hurt. We have been through very tough times during our seperation with their father, and it has lelft a void inside of them that they have told me about before. They told me that they feel that they are not complete inside. That the hurt of our seperation lingers deep inside of them, but they just could not do anything about it, that is why i am worried about them getting hurt again by this news. Yes, he has, I have moved on with my life too, though not the way he has. Anyway, thank you for your response. I really appreciate it.
@sacmom (14250)
• United States
20 Nov 08
I don't know what to say as I've never been in that situation. However when I was growing up one of my friends went through a similar situation. Her parents were already divorced (or separated) when she and I met. She lost contact with her dad (until my own mother butted in LOL) and she and her dad got to meet. Shortly after she found out that her dad got his girlfriend (?) pregnant. My friend spoke to me about it and she told me she hated the baby (she was 9 years old at the time). I didn't understand why she felt this way as the baby was innocent in all of this, but sadly she did. A few years later I spoke to her about her half brother and nothing changed. I don't even think she considered him her brother, let alone her half brother. Years have gone by since then and I have no idea if things have changed between the two of them. I'm sure every situation is different. Maybe if you have a positive outlook on it your kids might too. Just a thought. Good luck!
• Philippines
20 Nov 08
I know they will come to understand it and maybe accept the baby as their sibling but i know they will still be hurt. But i also know that i can't do anything about that, all i have to do is be by their side always. Thank you very much.
1 person likes this
@Rustinas1 (440)
• United States
20 Nov 08
I would either ask my ex, his live in girlfriend, or both of them together and get the confirmation. If she is, well than I would ask both of them when they will talk to the girls about it. I think they should. I'm sure marriage will be in the picture here in the near future and what better time and way for their father and his girlfriend to break the good news of an addition to the family. I would have a certain time to for their talk otherwise if it's not done, then tell them. Either way, it's really up to you and what you do, but I would definitely find out if it's true or not. I don't know how old your girls are or how they may take it, good or bad, but one things for sure, don't get all worried sick about it until the time comes.
• Philippines
20 Nov 08
I am planning to ask him about it. The reason i am worried about my girls' reaction is, a few years back someone has told them news about their father's ex being pregnant and they were hurt so bad,good thing is that i got to know that it was just a false alarm. But now, i think it is true because the one who told me is a neighbor of the woman's family.My girls are old enough now, the youngest being 15 years old. I just hope that they will understand it and not be hurt as before. Thank you for your response, i really appreciate it.
@fasttalker (2797)
• United States
20 Nov 08
First of all how reliable is the source you heard it from. If I was pretty sure it was true I would try to sit the girls down and talk to them about it.Be honest and tell them you heard it and you want to talk about their feelings about it. I wouldn't want them to find out that I knew it and didn't tell them about it. Maybe this would eliminate theshock of someone else telling them anyway. Good Luck!
• Philippines
20 Nov 08
The source is a neighbor of the woman's family. Yes, that is what i am planning to do, to have a serious talk with them about it. Thank you, so very much for your response.
@Ysabel (1201)
• Philippines
23 Mar 09
hi! i noticed that this discussion was five months ago... how are things now? were you able to talk to your ex-husband? have you informed your daughters about the news? i know its going to be a hard job for a mom like you as you need to protect your daughters and do not want to hurt them and in as much as you can, all you want is to protect them from being hurt expecially that this situation is very sensitive. just be there for them and be strong for them. i think they would be able to understand if it will be fully explained to them. in my own opinion, i think the news should come from you, and not wait for them to hear it from other sources (outside home) as the news may hurt them and will hurt them all the more if they know later on that you knew about it already and you didn't tell them.
@zandi458 (27951)
• Malaysia
20 Nov 08
I think you should be open to the girls and explain to them the real situation. It is better to tell them rather then they hearing it from others. They will be more prepared to accept the reality of the situation. I think they should understand by now that their mom and dad are separated and they have a step mom and step sibling.
• Israel
20 Nov 08
great