Relationships: What makes you stay in a bad relationship?

United States
December 12, 2008 7:14pm CST
So there is this woman in my building, in her twenties, in a relationship and has a kid for the guy. She works two jobs and goes to school. He doesn't work, doesn't go to school, hangs in the streets and is always in an altercation. He beats her, sometimes so badly that cops get involved,and her parents come and offer to take her home. She refuses, claiming she wants to stay with him. Treats her like crap she and can't go anywhere. The women she once spoke too, he now hangs with them and is having an affair with one that has reputation for being with more than one guy for $. And they're not married. So the question is, Why stay?, Whats keeping her?,and Why won't she leave?.
3 people like this
14 responses
@spalladino (17922)
• United States
13 Dec 08
Abusive relationships usually start with emotional abuse...tearing down a person's self worth and making them feel dependent and useless. Even though this woman works and goes to school, she still may not feel that she can do any better than this guy. There is also a honeymoon period after an attack that some abuse victims crave because their partner is very loving and kind for a period of time. I hope that she eventually reaches the point where she has had enough and sends this guy packing. It sounds like she's capable of taking care of herself and her child without him and has support from her family.
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Dec 08
I hope your right, and she does leave him before anything serious happens.
@ladym33 (10990)
• United States
13 May 09
Before I met my husband I was pretty good about not staying in bad relationships, in fact most would have said I was fickle, but really I just saw no reason staying in any relationship that was not going the way I wanted it to. I met my match at one point, with a guy who was flattering and wonderful at the early stages of the relationship. He treated me like a princess, and always tried to impress me and then he changed. When things started to go bad I stayed because I kept waiting for that nice guy to come back. I tried to leave a couple of times, but he would become that sweet guy again for a week or so, and then he would change back after I seemed comfortable again. A little over a year later, I realized that he was not what I thought he was and what I wanted to be, and I ended it. I don't know why this woman would stay with such a man. It sounds like she is self sufficient and can take care of herself. It must just boil down to her own self esteem, she must have very little self esteem and is afraid of being alone. Either that or she is terrified of him. He has probably threatened her telling her that if she leaves he will track her down and beat her, or that he will hurt her parents or something like that. I am willing to bet she stays out of fear. I hate to see that. It makes me very sad. I hope she finds the courage to leave this jerk.
• United States
14 May 09
Actually she left or he kicked her out and replaced her with the woman he was cheating with. She probably thought that he would treat her different but she got a wake up call. She was spotted with a black eye, two months later she was showcasing a baby bump. I am glad that she(Ex)left because it was really bad, but I'm afraid that once this woman gives birth and probably give her time to breath. She will really be replacing his Ex in all the ways that matter to him (physically,mentally and emotionally). So that's what's going on now.
@ejohn82 (155)
• India
13 Dec 08
Thats very sad. Maybe she is expecting him to change. Its quite clear that she deserves much better than this. But she is not ready to accept the failure of a relationship. It could also be because of the child. Maybe she is putting up with him hoping that things might change someday. She doesn't want to regret not giving a chance to him. Hopefully she might realise the mistake of continuing in an abusive relation and hope it won't be too late. She is going through the abuse hoping that things would change over a period of time. Its beyond our understanding why she needs to continue with this guy. But thats why people say 'Love is Blind'. You don't see things clearly (especially negative aspects). With 2 jobs she can easily support herself and her child. But she needs to take that decision to walk out on him. She may not be finding it so easy.
• Latvia
13 Dec 08
Yes, I agree with Your point of view. I think that child is the reason that keeps her to him. And also FAILURE in attracting such horrible man. She is afraid to leave him. Maybe he told her something that changed her mind? It is not an easy thing to pack all the things and go away. But I also think that she is afraid to look like an IDIOT, because she gave a birth to a children from a horrible father. SHE would have to admit her MISTAKE if she goes away. Maybe she tries to prove something to her family or society? That she did not make a mistake? That she will stay with him at no cost?
@ronnyb (6117)
• Jamaica
31 Dec 08
My father was an abusive man and my mother stayed with him. I never really got here reasons but in my analysis of the situation these are the reason I have come up with: Some women have faith, they believe the man they are with will eventually change so they stick around and hope that he will eventually change. Some women have no option or so that think. They may be dependent on the man financially or otherwise and believe it would be difficult to survive outside of the relationship. This limited option argument also leads theme to think that all me are the same so there is a good chance they will not find someone else hence it is best to just stick with the evil they know. Some men degrade their women so much they now have little or no self esteem and so they think no other men will want them Some women don’t want to move from relationship to relationship, maybe it’s because they don’t want to be seen as a run around girl, this is especially true of women who have been brought up in household where their mother and father were together and they saw their mother stick out a similar abusive relationship The situation you described above could be the result of one or all of the above.
@lovesummer (1162)
• Malaysia
14 Dec 08
Don't know. Probably there is some problems between her and her family that she had always wanted to get out from there and now she is out of it then she wouldn't want to go back?. And she is still not mature enough to think thoroughly?
@dazegoby (72)
• United States
13 Dec 08
I think that some people stay in bad relationships because of the security sometimes, or other times because they are afraid of change. It can also be that we love someone so much, that we just don't think we can deal the life without them.
• United States
13 Dec 08
Some people stay in a bad relationship just because they are used to it and the fear of the unknown is greater than their dislike of the current situation. A known evil is sometimes more comforting than an unknown good.
• United Arab Emirates
13 Dec 08
The woman in question in this situation has a different sense of family and love. She probably does not want her child to grow without a father and probably a hopeful soul that dreams for her husband to become a better man. She displays resiliency, hoping that the husband could appreciate her sacrifices and probably love her back one day. Personally, unless she learns to respect and love herself first, she will never escape her self-inflicting situation. Martyrs today are hard to find, but, only she can really know when it's time to live her husband and live her life to the fullest, and probably stop existing for the pleasure of her husband and child. A better life for her without her husband would also mean a better future for her child.
@lumenmom (1984)
• United States
13 Dec 08
If I knew the psychological answer to that, I could rewrite my whole life story in the relationship area. My situation is not too different from hers. The best I can say is that even though it looks bad and yes, it feels bad to us, there is some benefit (crazy at it may sound) that we get form these relationships. Sometimes we need someone to be the "bad guy" so that we can rescue them and be the "good guy". A lot of these type of people have a charisma that charms people so they appear attractive no matter how bad they are. Some of us like the attention they give us, thinking that we cannot get that from a person of more quality character. The longer you are with such a person, the more complicated it becomes. If you are the one sustaining the financial part of the relationship you think they will not make it without you. I am much older now and have suffered physically from the years of mental and emotional abuse. I am only 47 but feel like 87 (and some of them are in much better shape than me). Thinking back I wish I had got out much sooner and I really feel bad for this lady because she has a chance but she may not take it and no one can talk her out of it because she does not hear you.....she only hears him.
@andak2007 (3229)
• Philippines
13 Dec 08
that is so sad to hear and i know that there are many women out there who belongs in an abusive relationship just like the woman you are talking about...we the outsider can see no point in going on with the relationship but the woman is blinded with all the man's fault...it is a very sad thing to be in an abusive relationship and the support of the family is really needed to make the girl realize what kind of a relationship it is..its poison!
@thukio16 (254)
• Philippines
13 Dec 08
hi there! i woul be in a ba relastionship, maybe the reason that i would stay an keep on staying is because maybe i do believe that things will gonna be okay the next day. everyday is a new day to start, right... hope it could help. have a nice day!
@Gesusdid (1681)
• United States
13 Dec 08
shes hard headed and really letting herself down , she can preach to the heavens all day long about how she loves him and blah blah , seriously no offense but i hate women like that , and if she says she staying for the kid or the family than thats a bald face lie!! , theres no love , theres no family , hes out creepin on her with her so called friends n coming back to the house hold slappin her up for stupid reasons ...she needs to bail out and take the giving hand of her parents or who ever is caring for her situation...i could say she brought this on herself there could have been in a glimspe of him being abusive in ealier in their relationship but thats a bit too harsh sorta , so im let that be but i have no or little respect for a woman who refues to leave when shes gettin beating by "the one she loves" ..and she goes to school so , y not take that offer from the parent have thme watch the kid , while she gets the degree or whatnot and leave the abusive man at the door!! period , plain n simple n if she doesnt take that route then hey it is what it is...
@underdogtoo (9591)
• Philippines
13 Dec 08
Who knows what lurks in the hearts of men. The shadow knows. I have no idea why people choose to be unhappy. I am happy. Cheers!!
@trickiwoo (2702)
• United States
13 Dec 08
She's probably still with him for whatever reason she was drawn to him in the first place. Clearly this guy is no good for her at all! I really hope for her sake that she realizes how bad he is and gets out soon!