Need relationship advice...should I break up with him?

United States
December 14, 2008 1:19pm CST
Here's the situation, I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year and we have talked about long-term things (like living together when i finish school in May). Now, when i met him, he was 1) Very active (crew team, gym, ice skating, etc.) 2) Loved the outdoors 3) Very assertive (he could make decisions and plan dates) 4) Very interested in physical stuff 5) Would text me just to say he was thinking of me. Here's how he is now 1) Lazy as hell (except when he's partying with co-workers at happy hour or his cousins til 5am) 2) Wont even take a walk with me 3) Tells me "i don't care" whenever I want to make plans 4) Completely dissintersted in physical stuff 5) Can go days without talking to me I have talked to him about this for MONTHS. He says nothing is wrong he's just "tired" from his job/ finishing school (he just finished college this week). I am frustrated and he keeps promising to try harder, but nothing has changed. Should I end it?
4 people like this
38 responses
• India
14 Dec 08
Well firstly, I think its not just one person responsible for the relationship going bad. I think its time for both of you to spice up life. I suggest, go on an outing with him somewhere. Talk to him about everything. Take him away from his busy life for some day. I bet both of you need some relaxation and fun. :P And yea. If you end it, its gonna be very bad for both of you as you are serious about this relationship. I suggest just be careful in every decision you make. Ending it is not a wise decision.
• United States
14 Dec 08
thanks for the advice. I have talked to him about this stuff at least twice before..and i wish we could go out somewhere..but he never wants to DO anything..he wants to take a mini vacation in a week to his aunt's summer home..but when i asked what we'd do there..he was like "i just want to lay and do nothing in front of the fireplace all week"...how dull!
• India
14 Dec 08
hey there i think i might have done the same to my girl, i used to be very affectionate initially, i used to send those smal sweet messages just to let her know im thinking of her, but after 6 months that all stopped i dont talk to her regularly though she gets upset i dont. I just dont feel upto it ths not that i lost interest in her just that she took up too much of my time or rather wanted too much. So much so i needed space n since i didnt get it i took it. I do try to make a lil extra effort to call every night but i cant sustain a conversation for more than 15 minutes get frustrated... May b a break would help... a lil time away... distance does make the heart grow fonder... it worked for me i have become a lil like my ol self n shes really happy... How things work out for u... all the best...
• United States
14 Dec 08
As hard as it will be to end it and be done with him, if I were you I would. Possibly by ending it with him and cutting off the line of communication for a while will be a wake up call for him and he will realize what he had. If so then maybe you can get back together and if not, then be thankful that you saw all of this before moving in with him and or getting married to him. Its alot harder once you live with someone or are married to someone. Remember there is someone out there for all of us. Maybe God is showing you these signs for a reason and he has a different plan for you!.... Hope things work out for you ! Shihtzumama
• United States
14 Dec 08
I forgot to also mention, I have a surprise birthday / graduation party planned for him on tuesday...I set it up more than a month ago..do I wait until after to talk to him about all this?
• United States
14 Dec 08
Yeah I would. Its already set up, so I would just go with the flow and then talk to him about it a day or so later. You will know the right time to talk to him! I think it will be a wake up call if anything to him!!! Hope it works out and enjoy the party!!!!
• India
15 Dec 08
What a situation you have gotten yourself into? Just out of school and seen it all. Loved and fallen out of love too. so fast so much has happened. go slow my dear. Take things easy. do not rush things in this manner. What will you do for the rest of yor life? You are just out of school. Finish your education, get a job and get some financial stability and then there is plenty of tiem for love. Concentrate on your studies for now. I hope you have not gone and gotten yor self pregnent? Please don't. plenty of time for it. Your boy friend too is still too youg. he may not be knowing what the want s in life. Give him a chance to stabilise. Relax and divert yor mind to more productive things.
• India
15 Dec 08
Sorry due to poor connectivity this response went twice
• United States
14 Dec 08
I think it's probably time to break up. If you are meant to be, best case scenario is he will realize what he had and will want you back and make more of an effort-if you are still interested! Don't break up with him just to get him to come back to you-I'm just saying this is a possible option. Normally I would say if you loved him, to overlook his being tired and less active (life can be stressful and as we get older it's hard to stay active, etc) but not talking to you for days is kind of ridiculous! No matter how busy you are, you can stay in contact every day! I don't think that is acceptable. He is either bored with the situation, possibly interested in someone else, or taking you for granted. Bottom line is you aren't happy, and you have discussed your feelings and he doesn't take it seriously, than you deserve better. He knows how you feel, yet he hasn't made any effort to at least meet you half way? Not good. Relationships are about compromise and making an effort! It doesn't sound like he is! If you want to put up with that, than go ahead, but I think you will look back and regret the time you wasted waiting for him to get his life together. I know I have in the past!
• United States
14 Dec 08
Oh, and another thing...unless you can't find anyone else to go to that event with, than I wouldn't worry about not going with him. If you keep saying, I'll break up with him after....insert whatever event/holiday...than you will NEVER break up with him. It's never a GOOD time to break up with someone, so it's best to just get it over with!
@Aurone (4757)
• United States
14 Jan 09
yep. time for him to go. Sounds exactly like what happened to me with my soon to be ex-husband. When we first met and married he was great, he went out with me, emailed me all time, thoughtful, sweet--you name it. Then when work started to pile on he completely changed--so much so that he walked out on me (without really explaining why) about 2 months ago. So get out before it happens to you. No one should go through what I am going through now.
@deeken (73)
• United States
12 Jan 09
wow this sounds like my marriage I have been married since 2001 , been with him since 1997 the past 3 yrs has been very bad he has become so depressed due to not being able to work since 2005 due to work related injury to his spine he has isolated and cut me and everyone else out all he does is sit and watch tv no interest in nothing I have tried to help him but he refuses it he also see`s nothing wrong with the marriage well I am done being ignored here
@ronaldinu (12439)
• Malta
18 Dec 08
I would challenge his behaviour. If he is more interested in his mates let him have them. If he is still interested in you he has to work harded to keep you interested.
• United States
15 Dec 08
If you keep asking him to change and he says that he will and never does then maybe it is time to move on. I mean there has to be a reason for the change. My husband done the same thing, but then promised to change and he has. There's no point in staying in a relationship if he won't do anything with you.
@pmspratik (202)
• Nepal
15 Dec 08
The problem you are facing are common to most teenagers. They break up at this very moment which is not really a good thing to do if you ask me. You two are so close together and have spent time together that you don't like staying with each other anymore. But this is not just a reason for a break up. May be you people need to focus on why these things are happening. Living together after school isn't such a good idea as most people even start hating each other if they live together. Sit down, relax and talk with your partner and ask him if something has been troubling lately. Try to share your feelings with him. And if you really think that he is not the person you want the only breaking up is reasonable thing to do. Otherwise try to improve your relationship with him.
@alexlsp (85)
• Singapore
15 Dec 08
Hi Chasingsunlight, I think it's time that you make the final decision in this relationship and breakup with him. Based on my experience, when a question like 'should I break up with him?' pops up in a relationship.... It always means you SHOULD breakup with him and you WILL break up with him sooner or later. Let's just go back a little bit on 'what is LOVE?' I have always believed that LOVE is when the 2 right person find each and with each knowing the other better, they will brings out the best in each other. I have went through 1 failed relationship after another being a horrible girlfriend or having a horrible boyfriend. In fact I actually describe myself once as an officially old & battered veteran with too many scars and too tired to go through the same ordeal again. Then I met my husband... And what I've always believed in has finally comes true albeit in a slightly different version. hehehe... The first time I express my love to him, I told him that I like him just the way he is because he makes me like myself just the way I am. I don't really know what happened between you and your boyfriend. There's always your story, his story and the bystanders' story. But if things are no longer working out, he's no longer being the better person, you are no longer happy about the way he makes you feel.... WHY waste time anymore? For your sake, just cut off and move on...
@max1950 (2313)
• United States
15 Dec 08
finish school, so your about 20,21,honey i'm sure working and going to college is a drain,sit him down and talk to him tell him the situation and if things don't change move on.your still so young,you need to be happy there's enough crap people your age have to go through especially nowadays
@ljy559 (181)
• Malaysia
15 Dec 08
oh...I'm sorry, but I don't know how to advice you on this matter, but I sincerely wish you all the best of luck, and hope that you can settle this problem soon! have a happy life :)
@EvrWonder (3575)
• Canada
15 Dec 08
I am sorry for you to in this situation. I see it like this: 1.) School and work is a huge load 2.) He is neglecting you somewhat and would be a cause for concern So, what are you going to do about it? One very important factor that in eliminated in your post is the duration of you relationship with this guy to date. This would be very valuable. However, there is still neglect. Perhaps relationship status is on a back burner while he is focusing on school, not to mention work. Although, he does have time to party with his pals. I assume this is without you by his side. This too is a cause for concern. I am thinking that maybe he is playing the field possibly. That would be worst case scenario. If this were me, I would take him aside. Plan a nice dinner for the both of you in a quiet and intimate setting. If you live with your folks, talk to them about wanting to plan a nice dinner for the two of you. Maybe give your parents a gift certificate to their favorite restaurant and plan the dinner for the two of you for the same evening. Be sure he is free to attend first before setting it up. Once you have made the date(s), make his favorite meal or order in. Set candles, or at this time of year the intimate lighting of Christmas lights is nice as well. If you have a fireplace, light a fire. You get the idea. Keep the greeting light and initiate small talk. Enjoy your meal together. Plan after dinner beverages and or dessert. Once the meal is finished, you will want to keep his attention and gently bring up how you have been feeling. Tell him exactly how you feel as you have written to us here. Let him know that over time you have noticed this change. Tell him how you feel about him as your preferred partner and tell him how much you care about him. Ask him about his school and work as being a possible factor in the changes you have noticed. Ask if there will be more one on one time towards your relationship in the near future. Tell him how you feel. Obviously you would like to be with him more, hear from him more. Know that when there is markable changes like this in a relationship it does not come without a two way input. Perhaps ask him if there is something that you have said or done that is keeping him from paying more attention to you like he used to. Use your own words. Basically, I would plan an intimate evening, without any distractions. This includes people, t.v., video games, computer and music that will energize the setting. Keep it simple and to the point. Use as little of words as possible when going into the planned discussion. Be frank but respectful. Don't give him ultimatums. Just bring up the noticeable change, how it makes you feel, how you feel about him, presuming that you are still heavily attracted to him and what changes you would like to see. Be sure to let him know that you are wiling to make concessions if necessary also to bring the relationship back to a mutual happy point. I hope this helps. You need to confront this head on and as soon as possible. If there is anything in the past that you have said and done to drive him away sort of speak, you need to recall this to yourself, be honest and consider those factors. After all a relationship is not one sided. It always works both ways and has an input from both sides. Like a fire, it need air and fuel to burn. If it lacks one of those factors, it will go out. You need to be honest with yourself as far as your own contributions. Always treat the other with the utmost respect and consideration. When one in a relationship begins to slip away, there is a good reason for it. Stand back and look in. Then make your move. Be nice. Do not make the discussion into a heated argument. Just be frank and be polite about it. Be honest and let him know how you feel. At the same time listen to what he is saying in response and respect what he has to say, even if it is something that you do not exactly want to hear. Sometimes, for the best interest of each other, we need to just move on. Check it out and decide together what is best for each of you and the relationship itself.
• Ecuador
15 Dec 08
On one hand, people in general get lazy and change once they are in a relationship. Maybe he IS just tired from his job and school. If you have graduated to the need to ask perfect strangers whether or not you should still date him though, I would say it's time to break up with him. Obviously you don't have a strong bond of communication or trust with him. Tell him, you don't think the relationship is working for this, this and that reason. If he says, okay, then walk away. If he gets really upset and begs your forgiveness AND you actually really care for him - give him another chance. If the behavior continues and continues though, dump him. People change when you date them, but the "after 3-months" person you are dating, is usually the person they will stay.
@angelface23 (2496)
• United States
15 Dec 08
I would maybe give him an ultimatum. Have you already done this? Maybe if he knwos that youa re fed up to the point of leaving him he will relaize that he has to change or he will lose you.
@LCHBheart (167)
• Singapore
15 Dec 08
maybe it is really just him. whenever I have bouts of depression, I act that way as well. The question is, is he still in love with you? Or is he acting like a jerk to try to get you to break up with him? Confront him. Ask him to not waste your time. Give him one last chance. Let this last chance be a deciding factor whether or not to continue.
• Philippines
15 Dec 08
hi! dont decide when you are confused and fed up. most likely you will regret your decision. better to talk to your boyfriend about your feelings, your observation and your thoughts. ask what about him? then if the feeling is mutual then both of you should decide on what to do next. being together is a mutual decision so splitting up should be the same as well. sometimes women are too sensitive if the guy is not paying attention to us. better understand that sometimes guys are busy too with their own lives. try to give some space. when he misses you then you will see that he cant live without you but if not better ask him. hope you and your bf can work out the relationship
@gracie04 (4554)
• Philippines
15 Dec 08
if i were in your shoes, i would talk to him( nicely) regarding your concerns.. i mean, let him know how you really feel.. you shouldn't just sit there and pretend you're doing okay.. if he ignores you then that's the time you make your next move.. think 100 times before you make your final decision.. ask God for signs..
• Philippines
15 Dec 08
I think your boyfriend is not okay. Just talk to him, and settle everything, don't make decisions right away. Just give him time, and your relationship to work. If nothing changes and you think the two of you are really hopeless then I think it's time for you to move on alone.
@piya84 (2586)
• India
15 Dec 08
hiiii der!!!!! Hey i think so u shud think about ur desion realy.I am telling u from my own experiance dat it realy happens.And its perfectly normal.What i am trying to say is we are nt jolly,outgoing,active all the time in the life.sometime we get realy bore with everything.Or if we are at major turning point in life ..then ya we tend to sit at one place more.. thinking about future plans.Its just a pause in life.I think so he may b in such a phase.Let him go where ever he wants.Leave him alone.Just tell him u are there standing for him whenever he needs.