Ellie Wants A Huggle - Hi Guys I've Been Putting On A Front
By ellie333
@ellie333 (21016)
December 29, 2008 1:47pm CST
To all my dear friends I have been starting lively happy discussions over the past couple of days to try my best to be up and happy but I am struggling. Have any of you ever been in a crowded room and yet felt lonely. Without going into detail I have lost people I love and care for this year and on New Years Eve it is the anniversary of someone very close to me being murdered. I have tried to rise above it all and put it into the past but I don't know how to. I know it is one step at a time but I just feel overwhelmed. Have any of experienced this feeling and how should I deal with it, accept and go through what I am feeling or fight against it?
Love & Huggles. Ellie :D
12 people like this
42 responses
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
29 Dec 08
I am so sorry to here this.....huggles to you from Minnesota! I did feel that way once a long time ago....that I could stand in the middle of a large city and scream...I am so lonely! I think it just takes time....if I were you I'd check up on depression and things to do to heal yourself...like keeping yourself occupied, exercising....etc. Unfortuatly this is the time when many people fall into depression....I hope that you can pick yourself up and keep on fighting it until the feeling is gone....
3 people like this
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
29 Dec 08
I am so glad you are going to the doctor.....my sister just had something like that happen too and they can't find the source...but she is under alot of pressure too.....hopefully you'll find out....please let me know what's going on! I'd really appreciate it!
2 people like this
@ellie333 (21016)
•
29 Dec 08
Hi Jill, never replied to your email when you said you hoped it wasn't anything too bad. I see doctor tomorrow but I have very little feeling now in left arm or legs and I am scared as I need to be there for my son, that on top of everything else yes I guess they will say I am depressed aswell but who wouldn't be eh! Sorry I am just a bit of a mess at moment but it will pass. Docs think they know what problem is and although not curable can control, but I am also aware that depression can create all sorts of weird pyschical symptoms too so stay optimistic if that makes sense. Thanks for understanding. Huggles. Ellie :D
2 people like this
@p1kef1sh (45681)
•
29 Dec 08
Oh Ellie sweetheart. Of course you can have a huggle anytime you want one. You told me about the chap who was murdered. I talk about these things, even though I know that there's not a perfect answer. But just a hug and a listening ear helps. Call if you want. I'm here.
2 people like this
@ellie333 (21016)
•
29 Dec 08
Hi P1kef1sh, Thank you, I am still not at all well and I think it is all just getting to me as so used to being strong and in control. It is not like me to even comtemplate posting a discussion like this but I just needed huggles tonight if that makes sense. Just being an emotional female right now I guess. It will pass. Huggles. Ellie :D
2 people like this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
4 Jan 09
Oh Ellie, you poor little soul. I cannot iomagine how you feel but I had a boss who's sister was murdered on Christmas Day. Each year my boss would try really hard to get past it but as soon as the good cheer began she would start to fall apart. I would feel so sorry for her but there was nothing anyone could do.
I guess accepting that it will be a sad time is the first step and then reaching out to friends and loved ones is the next step. Sending you big hugs and hoping you get all the huggles and cuddles you need.
2 people like this
@tessah (6617)
• United States
29 Dec 08
maybe the reason why you cant get past it all.. is because you [/b]are[b] trying to fight against it. theres a reason its called a grieving process, and until you allow yerself the justifications for feeling what you feel.. and actually FEEL it and go thru this process.. itll continue to stay with you. give yerself a break hun.. yer entitled to feel the way you do. stop trying to pretend to feel otherwise, and just be how you are. once you do, youll be able to start putting it behind you as best you can considering. ;squishes tight; and no, yer not the only one who has ever felt this way, nor are you the only one whos ever tried to force yerself to be happy cause everyone else wished you would be.
2 people like this
@ellie333 (21016)
•
29 Dec 08
Hi Tessa, That makes sense, I suppose I am not trying to pretend because I really do have my fun moments and especially with my kids but once all is quite and I am alone with my thoughts it does all seem to catch up so yes I need to let it all go and let it all out. I know I am not the first or the last to feel the way I feeling now but it is how I am feeling now so yes I guess I just need to go woth it rather than fight it. Thanks for the squishes. Appreciated. Huggles. Ellie :D
1 person likes this
@Rosekitty (19368)
• San Marcos, Texas
29 Dec 08
Dearest Ellie..
I wish you would have said something earlier, I would have given you extra huggles to last a year at least..
I understand what you are going through and know things are tough since anniversarys of loved ones passing are very tough to go through alone..it doesn't go away but it does get a bit better each year and you will remember all the wonderful things you all did together and one day laugh at silly things too..
All my love and numerous huggles for you!!!
2 people like this
@ellie333 (21016)
•
29 Dec 08
Hi Rosekitty, Thank you, thank you so much, those numerous huggles do help darling. I've been bottling it for too long and now suddenly I can't anymore if that makes sense. I just need to get back up again and really don't know how. I know I will and others are suffering far more than me but can't stop the tears but they are part of the healing I guess. Huggles back to you. Ellie :D
1 person likes this
@Rosekitty (19368)
• San Marcos, Texas
29 Dec 08
Ellie..yes those tears are part of the healing and you will feel like you've cried a river when you think about it since any little thing can set you off..many many years ago i lost a boyfriend since my parents didn't approve of him because of his race, so i did what every good girl did back then and marry someone else but i continued seeing him. After a few years he asked me to divorce my husband but i couldn't since he was and is a good man. Well this person killed himself and i've lived with this guilt for many years of what if...If it wasn't for my kids i probably would have went insane, but i'm a fighter and what i did is talk to my husband since he knew i wasn't in love with him and tell him the truth..we got a divorce but are still friends to this day..It took me many years to get over this and some songs can make me cry but i will never again let anyone make me feel responsible for their deaths like he did..
Sorry to tell all of this to you but i know you are strong and will get through this too..Love you Ellie and many huggles again
2 people like this
@ellie333 (21016)
•
29 Dec 08
What can I say but I am so sorry to hear that and such a shame for your ex-husband who was a good man and still is but not your lost love, why should we be the ones to feel guilty though for living, we still are though aren't we to a degree. It is my children too that get me through as I need to be strong for them but it is difficult sometimes. Then there must be a resentment in a way towards your parents who never accepted the true love of your life but he was the weaker in a sense for taking his life and for the hurt he caused those left behind. Thank you for sharing. Big huggles to you and sorry if this has resurfaced any emotions. I agreee though tears do need to flow to help me accept and move on. Ellie :D
1 person likes this
@buttercup100 (23)
• United States
29 Dec 08
ellie,
Yes, sad to hear you are troubled. It is hard to lose someone we care so deeply about. Somedays we must yet pick ourselves up and brush ourselves off and go on. That not so easy I know. If you have people depending upon you, you should know they need you. Remember the good days, I would not want someone being sad over me, I would want them to carry on with a happy life and recall the wonderful smiles, hugs, tears, laughter, and love that was share for the time given. See professional help if you feel that you are not getting better. We are given some many days. Take care.
@cyberfluf (4996)
• Netherlands
5 Jan 09
I'm so sorry to hear that, Ellie. I hope the bunch of responses you have got so far have strenghtend you. When there are so many things coming at you at the same time it can indeed be overwhelming. Everyone has their own way of handling it.
I personally took a step back from everything so I could reflect from a distance, kind of looking down on yourself and making up your mind on how to help this 'other' person; it can help to take another point of view.
I hope you will feel better soon! Huggles xx
1 person likes this
@Sissygrl (10912)
• Canada
30 Dec 08
Sorry that you had to go through that and that it continues to be a sadness in your heart. . I have never had that expierence other then when i was very very depressed and if that is how you are feeling, then maybe you should see a doctor or just talk to someone about how your feeling. . talking often helps, even if its a st ranger. . or your doctor.
2 people like this
@AmbiePam (85660)
• United States
30 Dec 08
I'm sorry Ellie. I have put on that happy front you talk about and it is hard to keep it up. I don't know what to say that can make you feel better. Life in general, memories, they are just plain overwhelming a lot of the time. All I can do is pray for you, and I do hope that soon your happiness won't be pretend, but will be real.
2 people like this
@cinderella2007 (2662)
•
3 Jan 09
Sorry to hear that Ellie, It must be tough. I know what you are going through. It will be a year this month (14th) that my boyfriend suddenly lost his mum. It was totally unexpected and although I want to be there for him to support him but I dont know how as I know he will want to be with his dad and brother but yet may also want to be on his own. he hasn't made any plans for that day yet but it will tough for all.
I suggest you talk to someone, a close friend or family member about how you are feeling as if you keep them inside, it will only upset you even more. You need to remember how much this person meant to you and if it makes you sad then that's fine, it just shows how special this person was. Talk to your son, mention that you maybe sad as it was the time of the year that you lost someone and who knows he may try to cheer you up.
1 person likes this
@ellie333 (21016)
•
3 Jan 09
Hi Cinderella, I guess we all get down at times and I am feeling much better now thatn when I posted this I have received a lot of comfort and understanding from friends and also received this poem from another friend who has given me permission to share. The first anniversary is always the most difficult. I am sorry to hear about your boyfriends mum. Enjoy the poem. Huggles. Ellie :D
The Angel Has Spoken
For those who have lost
For those who are broken
The Angel has risen
The Angel has spoken
The sun will rise tomorrow
The stars will shine tonight
Keep the love within your heart
Find strength within your light
Take courage on this rocky path
Help those in need and fear
For every twist a challenge brings
And enjoy the coming year
For those who have lost
For those who are broken
Believe in your self
For the Angel has spoken.
Copyright Charles Antony December 2008
@lynettebyc (2416)
• China
4 Jan 09
Hello, ellie, it breaks my heart to see you in such a overwhelmed state, i'm sorry for late response. It will pass soon, all will pass, time will heal our injuries in life. I've be very pessimistic for quite a long time and i even don't know how to handle it. I'm trying to persuade myself to live positively everyday, and i keep myself busy from thinking those unhappy memories, maybe you shall try, i read books if i start to think at random.
Huggle, big one, wish you get through it and so will I
@TessWhite (3146)
• United States
30 Dec 08
I think all of us feels this way from time to time Ellie. I've even been at family gatherings in a crowded room and still felt all alone and lonely. I think thats normal sometimes. It is hard to lose someone you care about, especially so brutally. But the best thing to do is remember the good times, focus less on the bad, and try to enjoy those around you who still love and care about you. Hugs from me, Tess.
2 people like this
@ellie333 (21016)
•
31 Dec 08
Hi Tess, That is what I intend to do from now on but I need to release the tears I have been bottling first as it has made me ill and move on from that. I am usually a pretty positive person so this feeling has knocked me for six as it is one that I am not used to. Thanks for the Hug. Huggles. Ellie :D
@mercuryman3a (2477)
• India
30 Dec 08
it is very difficult to put up a brave front hwen you have had to suffer emotionally specially if it is soemthing whichhas happened recently. Time heals all wouds theysay and you slowly adapt to circumstances, but when the wounds are fresh it is difficult to live with it and smile too.
2 people like this
@winterose (39887)
• Canada
30 Dec 08
I am so sorry hon, feel what you are feeling grieving is important and something we all have to do, you will heal in time.
1 person likes this
@pyewacket (43903)
• United States
1 Jan 09
Awww--elle...I'll give you the biggest huggle I can...I don't think it's only you. Often many of us will put on a "cheery" front when things are going wrong in our lives and I'm so sorry to hear you've been struggling. And oh, yes I've often felt alone even in a crowded room....like I just can't relate to anyone. There's a party my friend who lives down the block is giving on the 3rd...and while I have enjoyed them in the past, I'm trying to figure out what lame brain excuse for bowing out...again...didn't go to her Halloween party and think she was pissed about that...but I'm just not the type to put on a good game face when I'm just not in the mood to "party" it up.
Hope the New Year finds you more at peace with yourself and you find happiness again. Huggles...huggles, huggles
1 person likes this
@ellie333 (21016)
•
1 Jan 09
Hi Pyewacket, Happy New Year. I do actually feel better now 2008 has gone and am looking forward to getting back to work and in a routine again, had too much time to think about stuff I guess over the long break as have been off since 19th. I am allowing tears when I want to cry instead of bottling which is releasing and healing I guess. Thanks for the huggles, appreciated and if you really don't feel up to going on the 3rd don't, but if on the day you do go and show your face, if this person is a friend she should understand rather than be peeved surely. Thanks for understanding. I guess many of us feel this way from time to time eh! Huggles. Ellie :D
@olivemai (4738)
• United States
30 Dec 08
I offer a hug!
I can only suggest a support group if you do not already belong to one.
It can help to talk and listen, either way that can help to know others have gone through it too.
I try not to think about too often, and say a little prayer when I do remember.
The prayer can help whether you believe or not.
Try to find out if the family has any needs this time of year and go with that thought.
@marketing07 (6266)
• South Korea
31 Dec 08
hi ellie,december was the saddest day for me since my mom past away..on that month i could hardly believe it coz we still have a good conversation over the phone..but still i have my kids to laugh with so i have to go on and pretend that i was strong...hope i could give you a hug...happy newyear..
@gitfiddleplayer (10362)
• United States
30 Dec 08
I'm so sorry ellie, I have been there, it was a while ago and I just took one day a time, too much thinking will drive you crazy. Its not part of life but its part of yours, its hard but its manageable. If you need to talk PM me and I'll listen.
1 person likes this
@ellie333 (21016)
•
31 Dec 08
Hi Gitfiddleplayer, Perhaps that is why it has hit now as I have been off work since the 19th and have had time to think about it all as other than Christmas day have not had any visitors. Thank you for the offer of support through PM really appreciated, feeling a bit better just admitting how I am feeling if that makes sense. Huggles. Ellie :D
@korbchng (40)
• Philippines
31 Dec 08
It's difficult to let go of depression, and I know that because I've experienced something before. But it was very pleasing to know that I've made it through. All I did is to do the things which I'm passionate about. You'll forget your emotions on the way. Sure I can give you a huggle, or a hug with snugging lol. But the best solution would always be up to you.
@ellie333 (21016)
•
31 Dec 08
Hi Korbchng, Welcome to myLot and thank you for understanding. I have been bottling these emotions for so long I need to release before I can move forward but having just addmitted the fact I feel this way has helped and I have been to see the doctor and she has helped and given me numbers of support groups in my area too. Huggles. (PS I didn't realise that is what a huggle meant and I always send huggles to my friends on here LOL) Ellie :D
