My Son Saw His Father For The First Time Since Last Easter

It is really tough for you. You did right to keep a positive image of his father in the mind of your son. The physical separation should not and could not sever the relationship between the dad and son. Sometimes a good will lie will help deal with the problem. Better off both for you and your son to put off revealing the truth when he is grown up. He can feel better now, and will appreciate your good will when he gets older.

my son doesn't know his father, his father moved back home to his own countries, he is also schizophrenic, I know how you feel, I would not have deprived my son visits with his father if he wanted to see him but I would have made sure he was supervised as well. It was not out of spite my x is a good man but he has so many problems, he is not in touch with reality.

I can completely empathize with your turmoil over this Ellie. ((((hugs)))) It's been over 1 1/2 years since my boys last saw their father, but apparently they have talked to him on the phone during their last few visits to their grandparents (nuckfuts' family). I don't mind them talking to him on the phone, and in fact, I encourage it. Like you, I don't want him to even think about visiting with the boys unless he can prove some consistency... and telephone conversations on a regular basis are an excellent way to start. I think you've done the best thing for your son, to keep communication lines open with his father. Your son needs to know for a fact that YOU are doing everything you can to encourage the relationship. Otherwise, he may choose to resent you in the future, blaming you for the lack of relationship there. This way, there is no doubt... the onus is on the father.

My son and daughter have different fathers. Neither father was really ever present or in contact. I never denied the fathers access to the kids. They chose not to come around. I never said anything bad about their fathers to them. I figured i would let the fathers make their own impression to their kids. When my son keep getting in trouble the courts in my home state desided to send my son to his dad, who had not seen each other from age 1yr to 14 yr. My son having ran away from his dads house a yr after going there. Has no contact with his dad today. My daughter a couple yrs ago contacted her father after doing an online search. He finally came to see her and her kids last nov. He also had not seen her since she was about 2yrs old. I think she wants to know him better. One thing is he promised to come for a yr and 1/2 before showing up. Is that impressive or what? Well, like i said im leaving it up to dad to impress thier kids.

Hi ya ellie333 This is a bit of a tricky one isn't it? Well firstly I think you did the right thing. You supervised the visit and that was important. Why don't you do the same in the future? As and when your son wants to see his father you can simply call him and set up a supervised visit so then your son know's that he can see his dad when he wants to. It might be months on end or weekly who knows but at least there will be no pressure for your son to see his dad if he doesn't want to and you can make sure his dad makes the meeting. It can't be easy for you and you have to do what is best for your son and not what is best for yourself, it's hard being a mum!! Good luck ellie

Hi Ellie!! I personally think that you did the right thing for your sons benefit and in the long run yours also. After all, your adorable son that loves to cook doesn't understand at his age the full extent of the problem and probably won't for many years as he is so young. But I Do Know that you are a very good mother and that you kept a very close eye on him during the visit with his father and instead of crying now, he seems to be happy, which is great because he was so sad not long ago and I know that broke his heart as well as yours, and that is what I think a good and caring parent would do. While it may not..Is Not, the ideal situation by any stretch of the imagination, you are very well aware of the mental problems of your sons father and when it comes to breaking your sons heart or giving in a bit, even though you don't want to, I think we both know which way you will lean as long as you think it is safe. It is a hard situation you are in but you also know your Ex and his mental problems and as much as I Hate to say it, with the problems that he has, he probably is not going to be the best example as far as showing up every time he is suppose to, but at least the times he does show up you have a very happy little boy on your hands and I know that does your heart good as well as your sons As you can tell you and I have had this type of discussions before! Talk to you very soon...[

I deeply feel for your situation. I don't know what is worse not knowing your father or constantly feeling let down by him. Sounds like your son enjoys his time with your father so I can see how it would be hard to severe ties. Maybe you can distract your son so that he is not thinking about it as much and I would explain it to him in the best way possible if you haven't already. It's not that his dad does not like him it is that his dad does not like himself, he sounds mentally ill which I feel for his soul as well. My son is 10 months and has never met his father and unfortunately I doubt he ever will. I consider this a blessing in disguise for he was a sick man as well leaving me in an abandoned apartment awaiting eviction while I was 4 months pregnant to go and live in Las Vegas. Some people are just inevetibaly not all there in the head which on the positive side gives us an example of what happens when you don't try to relate and be kind by others. Maybe it is a good thing your son does not see him all the time, he won't learn unhealthy ways, a blessing in disguise. God bless your son and his father and you for watching your son go through this.

Hi Ellie333 I think you are a good mother and I do agree with your decisions wholeheartedly. Even though if your relationship with his father has failed, your son should not suffer from this. Even though your son's father might have mental problems, he is still his father. It is a natural thing to have a desire to know who your parents are and to have some type of relationship with them. I am glad that you went an extra mile and agreed to meet on a neutral grounds to enable your son to meet his dad. I am sure that your son will be grateful to you in the future that you did not severe all contacts with his dad

I don't know ellie we just get snipets of info from time to time on your ex. You are the one that knows him best. I think that as long as he is not harming your son in ANY way it's okay for him to see him. Likewise since your husband has a dementia problem I wouldn't let my son alone with him and me out of earshot. You have no idea what he is saying to your son. This would really worry me. What kind of things is he telling your child? Does he say things off the wall to him or that is not true. Ellie this would worry me badly. When and if you allow him to see your son again I'd be with them on their visit what I mean by this is I'd be "with" them right there not out of hearing distance but being able to see what's going on. I'd be within earshot and close enough to correct what is said at that time or later. Many times the ex will say things against the mother to the child or other non essential things to the child that they have no business hearing. It sounds like your ex may say things that would not be good for your son to hear. As for letting him see him, if he is not harming him you wouldn't want you not letting your son see his dad become a problem between you and your son. Don't worry about this if your husband says and does things that will harm your child in any way. Your childs best interest is what matters.

Ellie dear, actually I am afraid to put in my thoughts about this one because they might annoy you. Actually, how you raise your kids is entirely up to you. If you feel your son should know his father, that's fine! There is really no harm in letting your son see his father and interact with him. But, honestly, I feel that a child can grow well even without a father around. :) Cheers and happy Mylotting

Hi ellie. I trust your judgment on this one. Only you really know what has gone on between the 2 of you (you and estranged father of your son). I think it was a great idea to meet him out in a public place (the beach) where you could give him some alone time with your son, while still observing for your son's safety. These types of situations can be emotionally painful for everyone involved. It sounds like you are faring pretty well. Extra huggles.

I agree with you completely Ellie that it's really important to keep lines of communication open with absent parents, even when it's hard. Kids can then make their own decisions when they're older. Whilst I appreciate that there are occassionally circumstances where parents should not be given access to their children, in the majority of cases this is totally unjustified. Dealing with an ex partner and absent parent throws up all sorts of difficulties for anyone who has to get involved with it, but juggling an ex partner with mental health problems must be even harder. I'm sure there will be those who don't agree with your stance, but I applaud your good sense. As your son gets older you can take your lead from him, but when our kids are small we can only do what we think is best for them.

its a good idea that they see each other Ellie.father is always be a father.just likemy little girl,when her dad was in hopsital she wanted to gave him a kiss but it was not allowed.then they see each other its like theres no tomorrow.how about you keeping the hubby in your life?

This certainly is a tough situation, for both parties. I myself know exactly how you feel as I have a 2 year old who only sees or spends time with his dad when it suits him. His dad has a mental illness also, he says and does strange things. He and I still are together, in a manner of speaking, but, he is more interested in spending time with both of us and not with his son alone. I do trust him with our son as he has proved in the past that he can look after him quite confidently. My son and I do cope a lot better without him around, but at the same time it is important for him to spend quality time with his father. I strongly suggest that you stand your ground and do whatever you feel is the right thing. I also suggest that you talk to your son about how he feels and to prepare him in a way that is not going to upset him or make him think that his dad doesn't want to be involved in his life. I feel that is so important to discuss issues like this with the children involved, it helps them in more ways than you think. You need to protect yourself as well as your son. I stress this because situations like this if not dealt with sensibly can have very harmful effects in the future. Just always make it known to your son that you love him very much and you only want what is best for him and he will respect you for that. I hope that my thoughts on this have been of some help to you. Good luck.

It was right for you to let your son see his father, and for you to supervise them. I guess because he is not playing with a full deck that he cannot work steady so I gather you were glad for the money for the Christmas present. You can tell your son when he is older that his father is not that well, and that it is not his fault. (Kids often think it is their fault.) I hope that your ex gets some help so that he can have regular visits with your son. By the way, is your ex on any medication? If not, you could persuade him to go a psychiatrist. It would make it much better and you can watch him interact with your son in a home setting.

I know exactly what you mean. I have had to deal with this with my daughter. Her father wanted nothing to do with me or her since the day I told him I was pregnant. He had no contact with her for 6 years and then came in her life for about a year off and on. He has not seen her since then. He never calls her, sends her a card, present or anything. He has never one time told her Happy Birthday or has ever been there for her for anything. I am so glad that he does not come around. My husband had been a very good father to her since she was 9 months old. I wanted to give my daughter a chance to know her dad also but he ruined it. she now sees I did not keep her from him though. He keeps himself from her.

hi ellie333, you did the right thing he should no his father wether he have problems are not.you didn,t have this baby by yourself let him shoulder some of the responsibilty.and as long as your baby father treat him right and loves being with him let them have a relationship together.there are to many children without there fathers in their life these days.so go ahead keep the line of communication open.this will keep your child from wondering what his father is like because he will know his dad.you really did a good thing.

I think you did aboslutely the right thing. My son is thirty. He never got to have much to do with his dad either....and it still bothers him. His dad passed on a few years ago not having saw him since he was four. So in my mind...you did the best thing for your son you could.

I think your doing the right thing, your son should be with his dad as much as possible and it sounds like you can keep an eye on them. You have a very unique and special situation, and you are making a great effort to make sure your son is happy and everyone is safe. Someday your son will thank you for it and as he gets older he might be able to spend time with his dad without you having to be there. I think it's very healthy to your son and his dad to see each other. Love sees no mental illness.

Ellie, I think it's lovely you were able to arrange the beach visit - and especially that you were nearby and could supervise from a distance whilst still allowing your ex and your son to have special time together. Your son now has a happy memory to tide him over until the next time - and hopefully there WILL be a next time, as your ex has had an enjoyable visit with his son and obviously felt happy with the location - while you felt happy and that your son was safe. It's best to play things one day at a time in these circumstances - if your ex has mental health problems, maybe sometimes things just feel too difficult for him - so it's nice you can facilitate the visits when everyone's ready for them. It's hard on your son not having the visits as regularly as he'd like, but as he grows older and gains awareness of his dad's health, etc., he'll be happy you did everything you could to help him have a relationship with his father.