He doesn't like to do what I want to do..
By breepeace
@breepeace (3014)
Canada
January 31, 2009 3:47pm CST
My boyfriend has been doing something that is really getting on my nerves, lately.
A few weeks ago, a friend of mine and his wife invited us over for drinks, so they could meet my boyfriend finally. Just before we got there, my boyfriend started acting bizarre -- giving me the cold shoulder, being really quiet, making a big deal when I wanted to stop to get wine. I finally asked him what was up, and he told me he didn't want to go meet my friends, he just wanted to spend the night with me watching a movie and cuddling. Well, tough cookies, I thought. I'd already made plans, we were due there in 15 minutes, and I was not giving in because he wanted to act like a spoiled child.
We got there and he ended up really enjoying himself. I, on the other hand, wasn't feeling super warm towards him for being such a brat before, so the night was less than glowy for me, even though I enjoyed seeing my friends again.
Then a week later, I wanted to go see a friend of mine who was visiting a town nearby, and who happens to be gay. We drove there, and when we rolled into town, and I called my friend to find out where to meet, my boyfriend pulled the bizarre act again. We ended up getting into a big argument, and my boyfriend finally admitted he didn't want to hang around my friend because he's gay. I sent my boyfriend off to go shopping for car stuff, and went to visit my friend and to have lunch. My boyfriend took HOURS shopping, and finally came back about 20 minutes after my friend had left. I felt really hurt because my friend is very close to me, and I really wanted him and my boyfriend to get on.
Then last night, another friend invited me to go to the bar. Since I hadn't been in a year, and really needed to let loose, I said sure and asked my boyfriend if he wanted to come. He kind of hemmed and hawwed, but ultimately decided he would go. Then he decided he wanted to see the movie that was playing last night, so I said fine, and he called up a bunch of his friends to meet us for the late show. We didn't get out until about 11:30pm, and then they stood around for 20 minutes saying goodbye so it was almost midnight before I could call my friend and arrange to meet somewhere. After we left, my boyfriend wanted to go home to use the bathroom, and then took his time so it was well after midnight. Impatient and really ready to go, I shuffled him out the door and upon driving to my friend's place, he pulled the tantrum act again. Fed up, I got out of the car and told him just to go home then, because I didn't have time for the act. He called me 10 minutes later all repentant, and said he wanted to go if I wanted him there. So he met us at the bar, and again, he had a fun night, while I was in a dark mood for having to put up with the childish act in order to get out of the house for the night.
In all the time we've been together, I've always done things for him that I don't necessarily like or enjoy. I go out trekking through the snow and the cold to look at old cars in a junkyard. Go to parties where he knows everyone and I know no one. Go to car auctions where he and his buddies stand around and talk cars and I stand around and nurse a beer. Last weekend I spent my entire Sunday in the cold while he and his buddy shovelled out the cars in his 'boneyard' to take pictures, and then we went for dinner at his parent's place and stayed until almost midnight (which really made me feel like a burden). I do all these things because I know he enjoys them and it makes him happy, and I always do it without complaint (well, except for being cold.. I do complain about that).
What can I say or do to make him understand that in relationships you have to compromise and you don't always get your way? I honestly think he was far too spoiled growing up, and I'm getting to deal with the fallout.
9 people like this
19 responses
@Ravenladyj (22904)
• United States
31 Jan 09
O.M.F.G I would have slapping my man right in the mouth for acting thta way then left his silly a$$ at home BOTH TIMES and not even felt bad about it....Harsh? Yea maybe but why should you NOT have a good time just because he's being a child..thats just crazy!!
I would seriously suggest that next time you are invited out with friends you DON'T invite him..GO HAVE FUN!!!!! deal with his whining (cause I'm sure he will whine) AFTER your night out...I hate to say it but it seems to me that he's intentionally trying to sabatoge your fun maybe in hopes that you wont want to go out anymore wiht YOUR friends which IMO is just straight up B.S
3 people like this
@phoenix25 (1541)
• United States
1 Feb 09
LOL. I love your response. I admit, I probably would have slapped my husband a good one before leaving his whiny butt at home. However, me and my husband don't have this problem. If we even get to go out, we take the opportunity to have fun. Me and my husband haven't been out together in over a year because he works all the time and we have no babysitter. You're right, though. It does kind of sound like he's trying to pull some psychological sabotage so that she won't want to hang out with her friends and that is NOT cool. That's a hop, skip, and a jump away from him trying to control her...it's actually an underhanded and sneaky way of trying to control her (if that's what he's doing) and that is not something that needs to be in a relationship.
3 people like this
@phoenix25 (1541)
• United States
1 Feb 09
Oh, and by the way, do not condone or practice the slapping of significant others. I would still leave his butt at home though.
2 people like this
@ladynetz (968)
• Canada
31 Jan 09
You don't mention how long are you in this relationship.
I'm pretty sure he's having problems "sharing "you with others.
He's very possesive and gelous.
You have to be with him at all times, he is supposed to be "all your life" and "all your interest".You are not supposed to have a life of your own, do only what he wants and needs.
Did you have that talk with him about compromise and have faith in you?
You should.The faster, the better.
He has to understand that you are a human being exactly as he is. There are things he likes to do and there are some that you like to do.
If it happens to be the same one, that's great.
If not, the compromise is the only way.
being in a relationship means to be there for the other.Do things that the other enjoys , even if you don't.Enjoy just because it makes pleasure to the other.That's a relationship.Give and take.Not only take.
3 people like this
@Ravenladyj (22904)
• United States
31 Jan 09
[i]You don't mention how long are you in this relationship.
I'm pretty sure he's having problems "sharing "you with others[/i]
Even though I could SORT OF see it if the relationship is somewhat new its still childish nonsense IMO...BUT I wouldn't be AS ticked off if it was a new relationship I suppose..I still wouldnt put up with it mind you but I'd be a LITTLE more understanding...maybe LOL...then again I have low tolerance for that so maybe I woudlnt now that I think about it..
3 people like this
@EvrWonder (3571)
• Canada
31 Jan 09
You could be right that he was spoiled growing up because it seems that you are getting to deal with the fallout.
I would just talk to him, tell him similar to what you just told us.
When you go with him to his functions, that you may not be 100%thrilled but you go and make the best of it. That when you want him to accompany you to functions, he puts up a fuss but later gives in and has fun after all.
Explain that it takes two to make the relationship work.
That sometimes we have to make concessions, put up with things and do things that we are not always exactly thrilled about.
Ask him to please be more considerate.
maybe try to make the plans sooner than later so he has time to think about it before hand.
Give him time to think about it.
It seems he goes, then changes his mind and then changes his mind again and turns out he has fun. You say he has enjoyed himself, each time so bring that to light also.
Sounds to me like he may still be somewhat immature rather than spoiled.
It sounds to me like he would rather spend time with you one on one.
Let him know that that is fine [if it is] but that sometimes it would be nice if we could socialize together, with each others friends, together.
Best of Luck.
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
1 Feb 09
To me it sounds as if he wants to be in controll and that he doesnt want to share you with anyone else.
Have you tried talking to him without it ending up in a fight? I mean really sit down and talk - make him listen?
2 people like this
@breepeace (3014)
• Canada
1 Feb 09
Sadly, ever time I've tried talking to him, he immediately goes on the defensive and I have to drop it or deal with a fight.
Last night I decided he's got some growing up to go, and ended things. I won't be able to deal with this for the rest of my life.
2 people like this
@AnnieOakley1 (5596)
• Canada
1 Feb 09
Sounds like he is trying to control you and keep you away from your friends. Isolate you to only his friends and family so you will have nobody.
I don't blame you for being pissed.
2 people like this
@LadyWinter (195)
• United States
1 Feb 09
Others have given a lot of good advice but here is the part that bothers me....Does he not care for your happiness?
Knowing you went with him to see a movie when you really wanted to be with your friend, and knowing your friend was waiting he was rude and made you wait even longer to see that person? Knowing how important it was to meet your friends he thought only of what he wanted?
I think this guy is very selfish. I think if you stay with him unless he does some major changing you are in for a whole lot of giving and no taking...and doing a lot of stuff you dont want to do. If you stay with Mr. Wonderful....whatever you do...dont let him make you give up your friends. You blowing off your friends because of his action could eventually lead your friends to drift away. Make your friends a priority. Everyone needs good friends. Good Luck!
2 people like this
@breepeace (3014)
• Canada
1 Feb 09
Actually, we split up last night, and I'm moving back to my old city now. Enough was enough.
2 people like this
@shooie (4984)
• United States
1 Feb 09
I do the same as your boyfriend sorta. Even though I go many places and do things with my husband and him with me when it comes t meeting new people I ride and when we get close I pout but end up having a good time. It's not that am trying to dampen his day and or outting. I'm kinda shy sometimes. Give him the choice. Like say we have been invited do you want to join me. You may have to do what I do ever so often sit my husband down and to explain to him that it's not all about him. It's a give and take. I now don't go as much with my hubby when he goes to his friends but I know I am invited if i choose to do so. As far as meeting the gay friend wouldn't hold that against him. I have gay friends as well and my husband does not care to meet them and doesn't. What can I say I was born in Cali and he was born in the South. Sit the boyfriend down and talk. He keeps it up don't give him the power of wrecking your night because if he doesn't want to go he doesn't have to and if he doesn't want to don't try to get him to or quilt him or argue with him just say okay if you don't want to go see you when I get home. You take the power of the pout away from him when ya do that.
2 people like this
@StrawberryKisses (2833)
• Canada
1 Feb 09
Well i think what you are doing is the right thing. You are not giving in to his behavior which is what he wants. You can either let it happen and make sure you stand your ground and he will eventually stop or you can talk to him and make sure he knows that you are not going to put up with it anymore and you want it to stop.
2 people like this
@raphael_volts (1131)
• India
1 Feb 09
Yeah, it seems like he is a bit of an attention seeker and gives a little more priority to himself. You gotta tell him what's important to you and how much you need him to get along. You have always been by his side at all the occasions he wanted you to and so yo deserve the same, he really needs to know this and yo9u must be the one to tell him.
Ya it will take time for him to really learn the thing, but ya if he loves you, he will learn eventually.
Take Care
God Bless YOU
@suspenseful (40193)
• Canada
1 Feb 09
It sounds like he is a bit nervous about going out in company. He is probably afraid that he will not get along (I will be more careful about inviting him to meet your homosexual friend -because your boyfriend would be nervous about him hitting on him. I mean it would be the same as inviting him to meet your best friend, Mary, or whatever her name is especially if she is a looker and is notorious for going after other women's men.) As you said, when he went to friend and his wife, he enjoyed himself and also to the bar, he also enjoyed himself. It is not that he is being mean, you have to get him used to the idea and get over his insecurity.
2 people like this
@maddysmommy (16230)
• United States
1 Feb 09
All the more reason why I've stopped asking my husband out to things like that, because he always give me the run around before we are due to leave. I don't mind meeting his friends and going out to dinner and sorts, because I enjoy that type of thing, but he doesn't, and will only go if he really has to. So I just go on my own (which is not often). He doesn't mind and I have a good time LOL.
2 people like this
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
1 Feb 09
Wow, you have done such a good job understanding and stating your own feelings here. I think you need to just have a heart to heart talk with him.
I have an odd thing that happens to me when I find myself in a certain situation and I wasn't aware of the way I was expressing it until a friend pointed it out to me. Talk to him about figuring out what brings out that unpleasant brat that he becomes.
2 people like this
@kezabelle (2974)
•
1 Feb 09
If it is happening every time you want to see a friend then yes id say he needs to grow up if its just certain friends he has never met before well maybe he just felt nervous, my man doesnt always want to go and meet new people I dont make him unless its really required although he does act like an adult when we do go and is friendly and polite and always tries to have a good time inwhich he usually succeeds, talk to him tell him how its making you feel and go from there!
If he continues then next time just say fine dont come but im still going and see what he says its ok to do things for each other that we dont each enjoy sometimes but its not always required just do things seperatley time apart is always good!
2 people like this
@phoenix25 (1541)
• United States
1 Feb 09
Well, it sounds like you need to do something about his behavior ASAP. What is his deal, anyway? I would suggest discussing it with him, first of all. Tell him that it really bothers you when he hems and haws about hanging out with your friends, but he has no problem making you hang around and be bored while he hangs out with his friends. If he tries to tell you that he doesn't know what you're talking about or if he says he'll change his ways and doesn't, I would suggest giving him a taste of his own medicine. Do this only after you've talked to him about it, though. After a few times of you complaining to go see his friends, he'll probably get mad and ask you what's up. Then, say something along the lines of "I wanted to show you how annoying it is when you do this to me." and you can add that you tried to talk to him about how he does the same thing, but he wouldn't listen (if you have talked to him and he has either denied it or not stopped). It's a good way to show him how annoying it is if he's not willing to seen reason. Either way, you need to take care of this. I have seen marriages fail over one person liking to be social and one person being a homebody, though it sounds like he's not a homebody...he just seems to have a problem hanging out with YOUR friends. I hope you get it resolved. If no, you either have to live with it or move on.
@KrauseHome (36448)
• United States
31 Jan 09
Like others have said, you did never share how long you have been in this Relationship and such, but if I were you, you need to Stop and imagine this is 5 yrs. down the road. You are Married, maybe have a kid or two, and everytime you want to do something he never wants too, or worse yet goes out with his friends leaving you always alone. I seriously think this is time you start giving your relationship a little more thought, and decide what is best for it all. You might be best to just walk away from things and move on to someone else who you in turn could be more Happy with as well.
2 people like this
@skysuccess (8858)
• Singapore
1 Feb 09
breepeace,
Amidst of what you have shared so far, I cannot help but notice that there is some last minute notice to your boyfriend for the meetings with your friends. Pardon me if I am wrong because it seems like he is actually having other plans each time you want him to go along.
Perhaps, it would be better to let him know in advance or at least as early as when you are informed of a gathering or meeting. I just feel that it is only fair here. There will be occasions that you cannot help it so, you will need to talk this one out with him. Tell him that you cannot help it and if he is to remain his old errant ways then he will not be expected to be informed and worst be part of your last minute plans, even when you dearly loved to have him. In a relationship like yours now, I just cannot stress just how important communication between the both of you is here. So, do have a heart to heart talk out with him.
Cheers.
P.S.
It would be fair that you voice your dislikes and putting ups so that he is wary that he is hurting you indirectly and that you have been lovingly compromising all this while.
@breepeace (3014)
• Canada
1 Feb 09
No, not at all. He had advance notice of a week to meet my friends for drinks, and advance notice of about the same to meet my friend in another town. Neither was last minute in the least. As for going out, I asked him in the morning if he wanted to go out that evening. He's the one that chooses to make plans himself when he knows I already have them.
I have mentioned that I have been compromising, and all I get is a pouty boyfriend who turns it around and makes it like I believe he's such a terrible person/boyfriend for making me do all those things. I don't attack him either, I just can't let him know I'm ever unhappy without getting a guilt trip.
2 people like this
@celticeagle (159058)
• Boise, Idaho
2 Feb 09
It doesn't sound like he is ready to be in a relationship. And compromises are not always easy but they are needed in relationships. If two people are not going to give in then maybe they need some time apart. Time to see how really important they are to one another. I think you may be right.
1 person likes this
@lanlan011 (701)
• United States
31 Jan 09
Wow. Your boyfriend is a handful. A relationship is all about compromising and making sacrifices. You have had to sacrifice your warm Sunday so he could go talk about cars but he can't hang out with your friends for a couple of hours. I believe he is acting spoiled. You both should be able to do the things you want to do. Have you talked to him about this before? I think you should point it out to him if you haven't already. And maybe the next time he wants to do something just tell him no and stick to it. Let him know that you want to do something that you want to do and that he can't complain. Point out all the different instances. He needs to learn that life isn't fair and that he cant always get his way. Also, don't let him spoil your mood if he starts having fun.
2 people like this
@CRIVAS (1815)
• Canada
31 Jan 09
My advice to you, would be to sit down and have a serious talk with him about how you feel. It might be that he is insecure and feels that if you spend time with your friends, he is loosing time with you. It could also be that it's just not his thing. My husband and I love eachother very much but there are just certain things that we like to do alone. He doesn't like all of my friends and that's fine, you can't expect to like the same things all the time. Perhaps it might work if you and your friends got together at a time when him and his friends can go out too. That way you both get what you want and you don't have to fight. I personally would make sure that he knows how he is making you fair. It's not fair for you to do anything for him just to make him happy, and then not have him return the favor. I hope that all works out and that my advice helps you a little, good luck.
2 people like this
