Should I call and ask or is that rude?

@mzplased (255)
United States
February 1, 2009 12:32pm CST
My husband called me yesterday on his way home from work and said that he got a call from his brothers girlfriend and she said that she was having a surprise birthday party for him and asked if he could come. He went onto saying that he wasnt sure if he could go because he would have to come home first and clean up and might not make it there in time unless he just skipped cleaning up and went right from work to there. His brother is his boss and also mine. So I was a bit taken back thinking "I'm not invited?" I just assumed I was since we are a married couple and he is our boss and our brother. So i asked my husband "Am I invited?" I was expecting him to laugh and say of course. Nope, he says "Oh i dont know she didnt say you". I asked him if he asked if we both were or just him and he said no. HUH? You wouldnt ask? So I wondered oh it must me just a guy party and he said no that there were some couples invited. So I am sitting here wondering do I just show up? Do I call and ask her? I dont really know what to think. I am thinking I will just wait and if she doesnt call and invite me then i guess I dont go. I'm a bit hurt about my husband not even asking. I mean no, its not the end of the world if I dont get to go, but geez it does sting alittle. What should I do?
5 people like this
21 responses
• United States
1 Feb 09
I would just go to the party, you should be considered a part of your husband in a way, you are all family after all. Maybe it is expected that you would go, that's what I would expect. Even if you are not invited, they will not say anything negative about you going, I doubt that they would even think twice about it. If you are not welcome, what better way to get back at her by going anyway haha .
3 people like this
@mzplased (255)
• United States
1 Feb 09
LOL, thats one way of looking at it and I was thinking that too...just try and stop me from celebrating his birthday with him! I honestly think he will be quite upset if he knew I didnt show up because I wasnt invited.
2 people like this
@Raven7317 (691)
• United States
1 Feb 09
First I have to ask: does the girlfriend know you? You know, is she familiar enough with you to know your name, your home phone number, that you are his SIL? If she's not too sure, maybe she called your hubby because it was more comfortable?? Barring that... I would not go. Your hubby obviously doesn't see your point, the girlfriend obviously didn't want to include you. I would not say anything, do anything or make a big deal out of it. I would however, go out and get a nice little B-Day gift for your BIL, with a nice little card, and present it to him simply saying, "I'm sorry I couldn't give this to you at your little surprise party the other night, but neither DH nor GF included me in the event." Or wait until the next time you are all together and purposely bring up the party. It's bound to happen: the BIL asks why you didn't go, you honestly say, "I wasn't invited to attend."
2 people like this
@mzplased (255)
• United States
1 Feb 09
Yes, she knows me. We worked together for a few months even. She calls me and texts me quite often so I am clueless on what to do. She is an indifferant person also that is why I am confused. Me myslef I would think it was just a given I am inted, but then again you never know with her...LOL I like your idea though! I honestly dont know who i am more upset with DH or her...LOL Silly really..LOL
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Feb 09
I would most definitely be more upset with DH; he should have assumed the invite was for both of you since he knew it wasn't a guy thing... He made you feel overlooked, I don't think you're being silly. But you should address it with him. For the future, if he feels awkard coming out and asking if an invite includes you, he could say something like, "Oh, that sounds like fun. I'll speak to the wife, I'm sure she'd enjoy it too." As far as the GF, if she's indifferent then I suspect that she wasn't TRYING to EXclude you. She just didn't go that little extra mile to INclude you... If that makes any sense. Knowing a little more now, I would say just go. Your BIL will be disappointed if you're not there. Perhaps you could address the GF in private; let her know how you feel, "I know you must have been so busy making these arrangements that you didn't have time to call me, but since he is my BIL, I assumed the invite to DH included me. Maybe next time we can plan things like this together, to avoid you hurting anyone else's feelings." Good Luck!
• United States
1 Feb 09
I didn't see this before I posted my other comment. If you talk to the girlfriend regularly and are friendly with her, then I feel even more strongly that you should go. If other couples are going, it only makes sense that you would be there.
1 person likes this
@sunshine4 (8703)
• United States
1 Feb 09
I would ask. The only reason being it might be a party just for the guys. If not, I am sure that you are invited because you are married to his brother. I don't think it is at all rude to call and ask. She may have just assumed that your husband knew you were invited too.
1 person likes this
2 Feb 09
I think that somewhere along the line there has been a misunderstanding. I would call and ask if she has any gift ideas or text and ask her. Also you could ask what time it starts and if she wants you to bring anything along or help. She will either continue as normal or have the choice to explain that it is limited but my guess is that there is no issue and it is assumed you are going. sometimes men just dont relay an accurate message or plans!
@rsk721 (41)
• United States
1 Feb 09
I have to say since it would be my husbands brother I would have my husband call back and ask. I have had situations with my husbands family where he didn't know and that's what I did. We always have the rule that if something uncomfortable happens with my family then I handle it and if its his then he gets to handle it.
1 person likes this
• Australia
1 Feb 09
I would think you would be invited, you're apart of the family! It's happened to me a couple times where I have been invited to friends parties and when i rocked up they asked where my boyfriend was. We have been going out for two years but he doesn't really get along with some of my friends so he wouldn't have wanted to be there anyway. I think when you're in a long term relationship it's assumed that you both with be there and are invited. Your situation I think you would definetly be invited too since that it's a party for someone now in your family
1 person likes this
@deebomb (15304)
• United States
1 Feb 09
I would assume that your invited since your married to a brother and other couples are invited. Unless your husband doesn't want you to go. Usually when one partner is invited the other is also invited unless it's a gender party. Any way I say go have an good time and enjoy yourself.
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
2 Feb 09
If you are not included that is VERY rude. I would just assume that I was since i am a part of the family! Or if u would feel more secure, just call and ask if you should bring something to the party =))))
@Sanora (23)
• Canada
2 Feb 09
Well, I would advise you to go. Because, like it was said before, you would be considered part of the family. And you don't know her exact words when she made the invitation; if she specified that only "your husband" was invited. I can see that happening to me: I could call your husband and make the invitation and assuming he would tell you and you both would come; at least, in my mind, for something as simple as that, I don't have to call him and then call you separately. She couldn't possibly expect you not to show up; he's your brother-in-law, he's also your boss, you're going to celebrate with him too - end of story.
@Lilli810 (13)
• United States
2 Feb 09
I think I would call and strike up some sort of conversation about what to bring to the party or a present or something. Then I would casually ask if this was a couples party or a guys only kind of thing. If she asks why you ask, just say that she wasn't really specific about who was invited and you didn't want to ruin anything. This way, you sound like you are trying to prevent being rude rather than just blurting something out.
@kguru1979 (381)
• India
2 Feb 09
You can just make a call to her and ask why you are not invited. We should always not to think loike friendship is good and pure. Sometimes it may be decayed too. So be careful always.
• India
2 Feb 09
well i think he should have gone because birthday comes once in a year and well if he too joins then they will fell happy so i think he would have gone.
@michmich2 (432)
• United States
1 Feb 09
I think you should just go. Since you already know that it's not just a guy thing, I see no reason why you wouldn't be invited. It's strange that she wouldn't word the invitation differently and include both of you when she talked to him. However, since it's family, I definitely think you should go. Besides, like the other post said, if she happened to be trying to exclude you, this would be a great way to get back at her. I'm sure your brother-in-law would expect you to be there if your husband was there.
1 person likes this
@okoyskabo (186)
• Philippines
2 Feb 09
maybe that girlfriend doesn't like you or maybe, she's jealous of you. if i were you, i have to get back at her. i would call the brother on the phone, wish him a happy birthday and say that it would be much sincere if the greeting was made personal but sad to say his girlfriend did not invite you to his party. we'll see what happens next. :-)
• Philippines
2 Feb 09
and don't go to that party anyway. you will just be left out. that girlfriend made sure you were not invited, and then suddenly you show up, hah! i'll bet she will go crazy seeing you and might embarrass you in front of everyone!
@unuzzz (1273)
• Indonesia
2 Feb 09
Hi mzplased.. I'm sure you're invited It'll be very very ridiculous if you're not invited Especially you're his younger brother's wife Sure you're invited ?? My father won't come to a party if my mom wasn't invited He thought if my mom wasn't invited, so he wasn't invited too And so does my mom think I'm sure you're invited .. :D Cheers !!
@SomeCowgirl (32191)
• United States
2 Feb 09
How well does your brother in law's girlfriend know you? Maybe she was a little embarrassed about calling or maybe she just assumed for herself that you would be there as well. I would call, if you don't I think you'll be more hurt because you missed out on all the fun.
@celticeagle (162940)
• Boise, Idaho
2 Feb 09
I would be hurt too. It would be like me to just show up. I would be too curious not to. And if it was termed as a 'surprise birthday party' why is she telling him? Why wouldn't you not be invited? I would definitely wonder why your husband didn't ask. Have these folks been weird about other things also? Do you think your husband doesn't want you to go? I would definitely have words with him over this. It doesn't seem like he is thinking about the two of you but rather just himself. And for him to be so flip about it when he replied to you would make me wonder where he was coming from too. Hmmm!?
• United States
2 Feb 09
I think unless she specifically said you weren't invited that it is to be assumed that you would ...erm...assume you were. So if you were to show up and she was angry about it, that's her fault for not telling your husband, "Just you." With married couples, I think, unless you specifically say one spouse is not invited you should expect them both to appear. Unless it's for something like a girls' night out or a baby shower or poker night.... that sort of thing.
@bamrahkirti (1821)
• India
2 Feb 09
I think you should rather wait and watch.She knows you well.She has worked with you and has been in your peer group.If your invitation is still a confusion then you should wait for her phone call.She could have said for you to your husband only and even if she had forgotten then she should have called you up. Do not get hurt,may be it is a little misunderstanding and things turn out positively. Happy Mylotting.
@nikky28 (1572)
• India
2 Feb 09
Since your husband wasn't sure that he could arrive there in time, ask him to call your BIL's gf if you could go there earlier and help her out with things. Your husband could finish up the work and arrive later. This way, you don't have to explicitly ask if you were invited and also would get to know what the gf really feels about your presence in the party.